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You are much better off than where I was two months after my wife left. But mine left for someone else. Yours seems to be just figuring things out and getting space. Mine quit acting the way your wife is acting probably after about one month after leaving, if not before that.


M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
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giftd Offline OP
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Reading these other threads, I feel guilty posting here sometimes. My situation could be so much worse than it is and yet I feel devastated still. I still believe we can move forward and create something better than before and I believe I have made so much progress on myself. The fact that work and her boss are slowing down her progress is just so frustrating. I always have a down swing after our interactions.


Together 7 years
Married 3
Said she was taking long way home late January
Left to get some space 2/19/17
BD 3/1/17 ILYB
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 355
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Interacting with my wife is hard. It makes me miss her. If she is mean to me, it's worse.

Don't feel guilty. You are not in a good situation, either. It just seems to be a lot better than some people's. But keep your hope and confidence up, because that will make you cheerful and attractive. I think you have a lot to be hopeful about, too.

A lot of people around here would say to have zero expectations, though. I'm still figuring it out. So take my advice with a grain of salt.


M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
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Originally Posted By: giftd
So today I was feeling terrible. Mornings are the hardest, just waking up and she's not there I can't get back to sleep and I know I'm not getting enough.

Stayed at a new friends house and when I got home I went to put on netflix and saw she was using our account for the first time since she left. I had assumed she started her own account to just rush through separating our lives because she gets gung ho about some decisions she makes.

my h is still on the family netflix account I pay for. I didn't want to look petty and take him off, and I didn't want our kids see that. So i would read nothing into it.

It's neutral.



This is something we would use everyday, we both use noise to sleep. I know I shouldn't look into things and have to detach but it gives me some hope.



you have to apply the principles here for them to help you.

Have you gotten the DB books and started to read them yet?

Also, just curious, are you from similar cultures?


Made me feel like maybe she's finally starting to calm down, stop being angry.



what are YOU doing for YOU? Not about getting her back, but about becoming the man you were meant to become?

To become a man only a fool would leave...?

Okay....you need another viewpoint here rather than just your fears and pain.

Here's a 2 x 4 that is meant to help you see HER perspective b/c she is not just going to "Stop being angry" and I don't think she needs to "calm down"....I think you need to step up to the plate and own your life and bring something to the table.

Her potential views...
I think she's been the giver in this m, and it physical and emotionally drained her...

You use anxiety and depression as themes as to why you cannot hold a good job or finish school, or pick her up after LONG hours, or emotionally really be there for her

(and suicidal thoughts you expressed to her) but you are not seeing someone or on meds for that?


Oka this^^ is huge. That would make me so insecure as a wife. It would make me think twice about ever having children with you too...& that is a lot to give up.

What avenue was there for her life to improve? I mean, seems like she just worked harder and harder while you stalled out on her, repeatedly. I know you're not well but it sounds like that's not something you are up for changing either.

See, arguably, if you are not going to get help for your problems, there's no way she can expect change in you. So, can you see why she'd think there's no real hope for a better m, in her eyes?


This ^^ is up to YOU to change. That's great news! See this as empowering b/c it is.

Believe it or not, the worst news in this ordeal is that you were a perfect h and yet, for no apparent reason, your spouse wants out.

^^^That would mean you are powerless to change things.


So when you know you have crap to own and thus, crap to change/work on,

it's a gift.



Maybe even remember some good things watching a show we used to.

I am 100% sure I shouldn't read into it but I'm going to and use this boost to hopefully take a nap.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Thanks for the reply 25. That post you quoted is from a little while ago. What you say is true. I needed to step up in the marriage and take responsibilities for my problems. I've spent the past 2 months seeing a counselor and making life changes to address my mental health. Working on GAL and am graduating in less than a month. I continue to see the counselor on my own and just switched it to every other week because in her words "you've made such tremendous progress you don't need to see me every week unless you really want to".

I feel more confident in myself and what I bring to the table. I feel like I know who I am and what I want in life, I've made a plan on how to get there. It's really not much different than it was before I've simply "manned up" for lack of a better term. I'm taking charge of the things I can including the animals (medical things and general care), the bills that I have control over, my medical health (eye doctor next week, seeing a counselor), working out and yoga, changed some of my clothes (less college-esque), I'm reconnecting with my outside hobbies (fishing, hiking, gardening) and I'm going to do some clamming soon.

All of this has been good for me, I feel good. But it doesn't stop the days when I just want to cry because she left.


Together 7 years
Married 3
Said she was taking long way home late January
Left to get some space 2/19/17
BD 3/1/17 ILYB
Joined: Apr 2006
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it won't stop those bad times, but those times will get farther apart, and they won't last as long and they won't feel as bad,

in time...and someday you will be healed


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 97
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giftd Offline OP
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Yeah, I'm doing my best to make it through those days. My biggest issue with this is that while I want to be better with or without her, I very much want to be with her.


Together 7 years
Married 3
Said she was taking long way home late January
Left to get some space 2/19/17
BD 3/1/17 ILYB
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 97
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giftd Offline OP
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So yesterday I texted her and said I'd like to come down to Mass to have lunch with her and bring some things she left the last time she was here. She replied with lunch won't work because she's busy with work (only one at the store currently) but I could meet her when she gets out. Then this morning she texts to say that she is going to be super busy and that it doesn't make sense to drive 3 hours for 10 minutes of time when she will be up Wednesday anyways and then she can see the animals.

I'm sure she is working stupid hours still, it's her falling into the same habits as before while denying to anyone who mentions it that it's the same. I've done my best to avoid any talk about work because she just gets defensive. Part of me did wonder if this was her thinking it through and wanting to maintain a boundary?

I had looked forward to the drive because it's a nice day and I've never been to that part of Mass, never driven through it either so it'd be a good chance to work on my anxiety and show her something she thinks I can't/won't do. I suppose I will just enjoy the day with some yard work and look forward to seeing her Wednesday, I didn't know she planned on coming up. I find myself frustrated with the fact that she hasn't changed anything with regards to her work/life balance, I've come to realize that if she can't change it, we can't be together. It's important to me and I won't compromise because I'm worthy of time with my wife.

There's no counseling this coming week as we decided I'm in a good enough place to not need it every week. Should be interesting to see how it goes as most of the sessions have been good for identifying things to work on and venting frustrations.


Together 7 years
Married 3
Said she was taking long way home late January
Left to get some space 2/19/17
BD 3/1/17 ILYB
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 97
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So today went poorly on her visit. She had a headache and was tired from work. I got frustrated about walking on eggshells with everything I said and told her I was frustrated that she wasn't in a place to talk. Made a few mistakes but she is clearly overworking herself and it frustrates me. Biggest mistake was that I assumed she wasn't working on herself. This bothered her and when she left I had gotten a smile but she was still mad.

accidentally called her trying to call back my mother... she called and left a message but I was on the phone with someone else. Called a few people to run some ideas, get some other points of view. One said that I deserve something akin to an or get off the pot statement. Essentially after 2 months of giving space I need something so I am not assuming feelings and holding in all this frustration.

I started by telling her how I felt, evidently I was yelling and she said if I didn't stop she'd hang up. I apologized, I honestly had no idea I had raised my voice. We than expressed various frustrations, she accepted her role in some things and said she has been working on herself and how to feel validated by herself and not by others. This is great to hear, I applauded her for doing this. I did my best to acknowledge her feelings. She said that if I wanted to know how she felt I should have called and asked. I expressed my desire to give her the space she asked for. more miscommunications/assumptions by us.

Perhaps the most amusing part was that she said that she felt I held all the cards. I literally laughed out loud. She said I had the pets and had the locks on the house changed and the stuff that was still here she couldn't get if she needed. She said she was upset because she had to go buy a can opener. I laughed because This is exactly how I have felt. She holds all the cards on the relationship. I can work on myself but it's ultimately her decision to have the courage to open up and try again. She laughed. She also said that just because she thinks I have all the cards doesn't mean we are getting back together.

As the conversation progressed her phone started to die and I offered to end the conversation, she said she could plug it in and to keep talking. She at one point said that she needed to set up boundaries. I asked what they were. 1. No talk of casual sex with her. 2. If I have relations with someone else she doesn't want to know (this made me happy to hear). 3. If we continue to progress toward whatever relationship we end up with, she won't be calling just because she is bored and needs to talk to someone. This is because she is trying to do things because she wants to, not because she needs some kind of validation. I'm perfectly fine with that and she knows my boundaries.

She expressed that when we would talk on the phone in the past I would not give my full attention (often times when she was venting about work I would glaze over, I should have redirected the conversation instead). At the end I expressed that I would call her in a couple days, she said "sounds good". I see this as a great conversation for several reasons:

She never used any finality when it came to our relationship like she did in the beginning.

We both got to air out some issues that we had misunderstood.

She continued and wanted to continue the conversation, it wasn't one of us venting like a couple calls before had been.

I was able to identify more problem areas to work on.

She admitted that she lied about not knowing a book title I had asked about, she felt it would be used against her if I read it. She told me the title, she opened up at least a bit.

She really seemed to want me to call her. Knowing that I wasn't the best on the phone I now have a 180 I can focus on as well.

So the night started as a backslide, then I followed my gut and tried to utilize the skills I've learned from all my readings. I'm proud of how it went. I literally feel lighter than I did before.


Together 7 years
Married 3
Said she was taking long way home late January
Left to get some space 2/19/17
BD 3/1/17 ILYB
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 97
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Called tonight and she didn't answer. Got a call back an hour later and talked for about 8 minutes before she had to have a conference call. Conversation was light and I had questions to ask her since I'm going to Vegas for bachelors party next week and need her to watch the animals. Got outside today and got a new CD I wanted and mowed the lawn. the sun was great. Still having a hard time overthinking things


Together 7 years
Married 3
Said she was taking long way home late January
Left to get some space 2/19/17
BD 3/1/17 ILYB
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