Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 303
Likes: 7
S
sjohns6 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 303
Likes: 7
Thanks Gordie and Ownit. That gives me a lot to chew on.

Ownit-Your last line really made me think. What they want is often more than they can handle. I never really thought about it like that, but it seems to be very much the case. Helps to realize that just because she thinks she may want it, in reality it might be more than she can handle.

Gordie, you really touched on something that has been bugging me that I haven't really fully verbalized. That is regarding the infidelity. I do feel like it although it has been very lightly discussed, it has mainly been brushed under the rug. But to follow up on some of your other points...

-First, I don't have an IC and I only called a DB coach once. I probably really need to follow up with that for my own sanity. R talks have died down as my depression with the situation has lifted a bit. Before I HAD to talk about stuff every 2 to 3 weeks so I wouldn't have a meltdown. My emotional state is much better now so I don't feel the need to pressure her in to talks about things. I've come to realize that I don't really like what she says anyways. All they do is show me how twisted her view on things is. Not just the R, but just life in general. Her thinking is a bit twisted on how she interprets many things right now...regardless of how normal she acts at times. So, I think not initiating R talks is going to be much easier going forward.

-I am not sure about how distancing affects her. I admit that I might not be doing it right. I feel like not calling, emailing, texting, or initiating conversations is distancing. I feel like trying to allow her space within the house without trying to get her to engage with the family is distancing. The issue I think is my mindset for doing it. I am normally (before all this) light hearted and jovial. Making jokes and whatnot. When "distancing" I imagine I seem quiet and detached. I think she views this as unhappy and judgmental. Hard to say for sure. I am trying to be more "normal" with my distancing, and when I am successful she seems more "present" with me and even nice. I wouldn't say loving, but not as cold and distant. I have not been asking her on dates recently because when I did it before it did not seem to draw her in. So in that sense, I stopped what seemed like wasn't working, despite what she said. What I am unsure of is when or if that should change on my part (Iie: if she says she wanted/wants that when DO I start that?)

-I will work on figuring out EXACTLY what I want and what I think it will take to get there...from her and myself. I feel like I have an idea of that in my head already, but I think I need to work that out a little more.

-As for the infidelity piece, that bothers me. I do believe that it was only EA and nothing more. She has expressed regret and has said she was sorry, but that seemed very difficult for her to say. It also seems to me that she is expressing regret for her decisions, but not as much remorse towards me for the betrayal. I think that is key. Because of that, it seems more like it was kind of swept under the run. Like she is TRYING to just go back to normal without much acknowledgement of what we just went through. But things AREN'T normal. I recently looked through some pictures of us in previous years and was reminded how happy she used to LOOK. She still smiles, but the happiness doesn't seem to touch her eyes these days. Its like she is wearing a happy mask. I know that I don't want things as they are, and I won't consider us better until there is some kind of reckoning. I don't need her to grovel at my feet and I don't want to hold it over her head for the remainder of our relationship, but it does need to be fully addressed before there is any chance of us moving forward.

Sadly, she has never initiated any kind of R talk...which is why I have at the intervals I have. I am worried that if I stop, she never will and will try to move on like nothing happened. I do not see that as something that will last. It is always possible that if I give her enough time without initiating my own R talk that she would eventually. I think the longest I've gone so far is about a month and she didn't initiate anything in that time. I do realize that it is pointless when I initiate because it doesn't really go anywhere.

What would you consider frequent R talks...any at all? Just curious. I'm going to try not to initiate any more at all, but curious what might be considered frequent.

Thank you so much for helping me figure this thing out (as much as it can be anyways).


Me: 45 yrs
W: 43 yrs
Together: 20 yrs
Married: 15 yrs
Son: 19 yrs
Daughter: 18 yrs
BD: Jan 2017
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 303
Likes: 7
S
sjohns6 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 303
Likes: 7
I had to take some time off the boards. When things seem to be ok at home, it seems to be a little easier not to read up on all the horrible things happening to us. I kind of feel selfish in that regard and I am sorry for that. I know everyone here needs support, and I know I can help with that...even if only a little here and there.

So, I am back because I feel like I need to journal a little.

To catch up from my last post, things have been going well lately. Oh we aren't all better or anything, but she seems to be trying to make things work so home life has been ok. The problem is, and I saw it coming this time, is that she is still cycling up and down. I'm trying not to start any R talks, but occasionally conversations get close to something of depth and I get to see how twisted her thinking still is...despite her attempts to play nice and wear her happy mask. Its so hard to read because she doesn't have an OM, she isn't living elsewhere, and she isn't going out partying all the time. This is what she was doing at the beginning of replay, so when that stopped I felt that she was transitioning to another stage. I now feel that her replay behavior has just shifted to other things.

She still doesn't wear a wedding ring because she feels like she would just be wearing it because I want her to because I don't trust her and am jealous. She tells her friends and family that she loves them, but never to me. Not even to reciprocate when I do (not that I am doing that anymore, but every once in a while). She will say she loves me if we have a R talk, but those are getting fewer and further between. She suggests that I don't ever ask her on dates which is why we don't spend time together, but when I do she reschedules till we just don't go out. She schedules all kinds of things for herself and does not invite me (bike rides, museum events with her brothers, etc). She also does little things for me which keep me confused. She will bring me coffee in the morning or ask me if I want a glass of wine in the evening. Nothing big, but slightly caring.

I say all this to express that although I didn't see it before, I am now realizing that her replay actions have just gotten a little more mild...but I think that's still where she is. I don't think hers is linear though. I think she is experiencing overlapping stages back and forth.

Its just hard because things seemed to be going well, but the last day or so seems to have caught her on a down cycle. I wish I could just detach more. Her moods aren't affecting me as much, but I do often think about leaving. I don't think I can, but i often think it might be good for me. I just don't want to live in a loveless marriage and I don't think I can get passed this without her being remorseful towards me...and that isn't happening right now. I have always seen my future with her in it and us growing old and happy together. As the days go by, that is becoming harder and herder for me to envision. I feel like I have to talk myself in to getting a grasp on things every single day. It is so hard to distract myself.

I don't want to cycle with her anymore but I just can't quite detach. I guess I am better than I was a few months ago, but I am so tired of feeling like this!!


Me: 45 yrs
W: 43 yrs
Together: 20 yrs
Married: 15 yrs
Son: 19 yrs
Daughter: 18 yrs
BD: Jan 2017
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
SJohn,

I feel like the least qualified person to be doling our advice. But let me say you are not alone. You are now unhappily married. What can you do about it? What can you control? What can you change about you? About the situation? What makes things better? What make things worse? Go back to basics. Start with a beginner’s mind. What do you choose to do today?

You say you are thinking of leaving. Why/what is your goal? Where would you go? What about the kids?

She said she doesn’t want dates so listen to her. She’s still telling you to back off...way off.

One day at a time. Thinking of the future is too much right now.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 303
Likes: 7
S
sjohns6 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 303
Likes: 7
Thanks Gordie. I know how you feel about not feeling qualified to give advice, but I'm glad you do it anyways. I always appreciate your help and feel like I know you from keeping up with your sitch. The back and forth with you and others on this site does help me to feel less alone in this situation.

Yeah, getting back to basics seems to be what I need to do. I think about the only thing I can control is me, but even that seems hard. I was not a bad husband to begin with, but I've tried to become better. I now see that although that is a good thing to work on, I think just becoming a better me in general is more what I should be focusing on, but that requires detaching and that is what I have such a hard time doing. I think that is why I think about leaving...because it would make it easier on me to emotionally detach from the situation and would give her the space she seems to need. I try to give it to her at home, but we live in a small house, it is hard to stay out of her way and when I avoid her, I know it just seems like I am avoiding her. Regarding the kids, that's why I can't move out, even if I think I want to. I love them too much and I think they really need me right now. I think it would be selfish of me to move out right now. And where would I go? I would find a place close by so that I could continue to play an active role in their lives. But thats a moot point because I don't actually see myself doing that...even though I want to.

As far as dates go, she didn't say she didn't want to, she said that we didn't do stuff together because I don't ever ask her on dates. I interpreted that as her wanting me to ask her. The result, though, is that she reschedules till we don't actually go on a date. Regardless, I think you are right that I need to just back off again, regardless of what she "says".

One day at a time is about all I can handle, but that has never been my MO. I'm a planner...I am always prepared. I am always ahead of the game in things. That does not seem possible in this situation so this DB process is so hard for me to maintain, even though I understand the wisdom in it.

I feel emotionally starved and I'm not sure how long I can go on like this. I see people on these boards deal with this for years...I don't know if I have that long left in me. Every day is a struggle for sanity. I get there, but how long can I keep it up? I keep thinking that if I could just detach that I could do it longer, but even though I have a little, I am not there. ugh...


Me: 45 yrs
W: 43 yrs
Together: 20 yrs
Married: 15 yrs
Son: 19 yrs
Daughter: 18 yrs
BD: Jan 2017
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
S John,

I think you need a break from d b. I think Roist gave me that advice when I felt like you. You know how you can exercise at max effort for very long? This is the same. Can you go on vacation or to a friend for a few days or if not, can you just say I’m not going to d b for the next 48 hours. I am just going to live without worrying about detaching or planning for the future? Try that so you can rest and recharge. This is a marathon and you only have to live today. Let go of planning right now... you didn’t expect this...and you have no idea what lies ahead. Peace.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 303
Likes: 7
S
sjohns6 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 303
Likes: 7
Not sure if I can go on vacation, but I can try and take a break from things. Not sure how well I can do that, but I'm going to try.

Just so hard to wrap my head around...last week things seemed to be going well. She was being nice, we were talking, she even initiated sex which she hasn't done in quite a while. Now the down cycle...which I guess I expected but hoped wouldn't come.

Gonna try and let it go for a day or so...


Me: 45 yrs
W: 43 yrs
Together: 20 yrs
Married: 15 yrs
Son: 19 yrs
Daughter: 18 yrs
BD: Jan 2017
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
Take the kids out to dinner. Go to the movies by yourself. Go get a masssage. Meet up with a friend. See a concert. Do something you don’t normally do. Pamper yourself. Put this out of your mind for just a few days. You can do this.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236
Originally Posted By: sjohns6
Yeah, getting back to basics seems to be what I need to do. I think about the only thing I can control is me, but even that seems hard. I was not a bad husband to begin with, but I've tried to become better. I now see that although that is a good thing to work on, I think just becoming a better me in general is more what I should be focusing on, but that requires detaching and that is what I have such a hard time doing. I think that is why I think about leaving...because it would make it easier on me to emotionally detach from the situation and would give her the space she seems to need. I try to give it to her at home, but we live in a small house, it is hard to stay out of her way and when I avoid her, I know it just seems like I am avoiding her. Regarding the kids, that's why I can't move out, even if I think I want to. I love them too much and I think they really need me right now. I think it would be selfish of me to move out right now. And where would I go? I would find a place close by so that I could continue to play an active role in their lives. But thats a moot point because I don't actually see myself doing that...even though I want to.


If you aren't detached, albeit from home with her, with her gone, or thoughts of you being gone making it easier...

You are mistaken...

Even if you left, you would still be attached to her..

Detaching isn't about a conscious decision to not think about her..

Detaching is more of a way of life.

A way of just living for you, regardless what the other person is doing or thinking about.

Detaching is you removing yourself from the daily crazy, and finding out who you are on your own..

From what I have read from you, I get the feeling that you are doing these things in the name of DBing, and still looking over your shoulder to see if she is watching, or if they are affecting her.

That will keep you stuck in the wheels of HER MLC....

It is imperative for YOU, to get yourself some relief.

How can you be something for anyone else, if you have nothing left for yourself ??


DB101

GAL

If something isn't working, try something new..

Don't go down cheeseless tunnels (see below)

Act, as if




Originally Posted By: sjohns6
As far as dates go, she didn't say she didn't want to, she said that we didn't do stuff together because I don't ever ask her on dates. I interpreted that as her wanting me to ask her. The result, though, is that she reschedules till we don't actually go on a date. Regardless, I think you are right that I need to just back off again, regardless of what she "says".


Her words and actions aren't matching up...

And until they do, you will have little traction on that hill...

(cheeseless tunnel)



Originally Posted By: sjohns6
I feel emotionally starved and I'm not sure how long I can go on like this. I see people on these boards deal with this for years...I don't know if I have that long left in me. Every day is a struggle for sanity. I get there, but how long can I keep it up? I keep thinking that if I could just detach that I could do it longer, but even though I have a little, I am not there. ugh...



Find something, anything, that is just for you..

What are you passionate about, other than your situation ???

Are you willing to sell yourself, just to be able to say that you are married ??

Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 303
Likes: 7
S
sjohns6 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 303
Likes: 7
Originally Posted By: Mach1
If you aren't detached, albeit from home with her, with her gone, or thoughts of you being gone making it easier...
You are mistaken...

That makes sense, it seems like if one of us were not around it would be easier to move on, but I realize that's unrealistic.

Originally Posted By: Mach1
From what I have read from you, I get the feeling that you are doing these things in the name of DBing, and still looking over your shoulder to see if she is watching, or if they are affecting her.

I won't argue that. I realize I am doing this and recognize that a change is needed if I'm to get better. I want to, just not been good at it thus far. I feel like I get close to the right mindset, and then something will happen to suck me back in. I'll keep at it...

Originally Posted By: Mach1
Find something, anything, that is just for you..
What are you passionate about, other than your situation ???
Are you willing to sell yourself, just to be able to say that you are married ??

It has been a while since I have felt passionate about anything. don't really feel much passion for the things I used to be interested in. I've tried picking up a few new things, but nothing seems to hold my interest much. I think I am having an issue allowing myself to become too interested in anything and i think that is more of an issue with my mindset more than it is with finding something I'm interested in. I won't give up as I know and understand the recipe for detaching/GAL, just have an issue with implementation. I know I can get there eventually, just wish there was a button I could push that would detach me from my situation.

Thank you Gordie and Mach for helping me along. Some days I need it more than others...this week has been one for needing a supportive ear that can give advice and 2x4's if needed. I hope I can help others at some point as much as you guys help me.


Me: 45 yrs
W: 43 yrs
Together: 20 yrs
Married: 15 yrs
Son: 19 yrs
Daughter: 18 yrs
BD: Jan 2017
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236
So start small, and work your way up...

DB101...

What can you do today, FOR YOURSELF, to take your attention off of your sitch for a while ???

Each journey, begins with a small step...

Tell me about you...

Just paragraph or two...

Nothing about her...

Nothing about kids...

Just you..

What are you into ??

Sports ?

Woodworking ?

Music ???

Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard