Now I'm just trying to get an active handle on how I should interact with her when I see her (not fall victim to pursuit games while remaining cordial)...and how to live for myself without focusing on her in my head all day.
Hello sjohns6,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal.
You are so smart to recognize that you need to not focus on her in your head all day. Put all of your time, effort and energy into being the best sjohns6 and Dad that only a fool would leave.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I want to start by thanking all of you. I have posted once before, but in a less watched forum...but I have been lurking for months. I have gained tremendous support just by reading all the posts and suggestions for others. I am trying to do the rights things for my situation...but as you know, it is very hard.
After reading a lot of posts by Sandi, I understand that my wife is wayward. She has been moved out in her apartments for about a month now. Initially I stopped reaching out to her via call/text/email...letting her contact me. That seemed to help.She started reaching out to me a little. Asking me how my day went, what I had for dinner, etc. She also started hugging me when she left, and sometimes giving me a kiss.
At first this seemed like a step in the right direction and I was feeling a little better about things. I wasn't pushing, but I accepted the small things she was doing. After a short time, though...I realized it just didn't feel right. After pouring over these forums, I now thing she is/was temp checking me and cake eating. I could be wrong I guess, but she is still doing her own thing and living in an apartment, so I am not so sure she is actually getting any better. After all she has done to hurt the family, I would think that getting better would look more like remorse and regret with a promise to make things better. Are we really getting anywhere if it doesn't look like that?
So, the last few days I have gone a little more dark. I have not been initiating any contact, and have been slow to reply to hers. When we did talk the other day, I was short with her. Not rude, but not oversharing or asking her any questions. I was just cordial. This is a slight variation to what I was doing before. Before, I wasn't initiating contact, but when she did I was actively participating, sharing my day with her when she asked about it. Since the conversation where I was just cordial, we have not spoken.
We are in counseling, but in counseling she talked about losing a connection between us and wanting to develop our friendship because she missed her best friend of 20 years (me). While I admit that I miss our friendship too, I don't think being her BFF is what I want out of our relationship. Should I be trying to develop that again as a step to fix our marriage, or is that a step in the wrong direction?
This has been difficult for me because I love her, and when it seems she is trying to reach out, I want to be receptive to it...even through it may be the wrong thing to do.
I had a weak moment today. I looked at the phone bill (have not done that in a while for my own sanity). I saw that she had texted OM (see original post, EA that she said she stopped) until 1 in the morning. My guess is she is cycling right now. I am guessing she feels depressed about our interaction and is getting fulfillment from OM. I know I can't be thinking about that right now...and I really wish I hadn't checked the phone bill. I have been good about it, but I did have that weak moment.
So I will see her today and my sons award ceremony at school and I really just don't know how to behave around her or what to say.
I need to GAL. I have really been trying, but I just can't seem to get my head in to it. I've been exercising/working out, been hanging out with friends a little, started piano lessons, and a few other things. It helps sometimes, but mostly I feel like I am just going through the motions.
I feel like if I were reading this post as someone else's post, I would know just what to say to them them based on all I have read here. But instead I feel so lost and confused and depressed.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I am in counseling because she suggested it and I thought that a good sign. Also, she isn't admitting its an EA, she says they are just friends. So...probably going just because I am confused about what is really going on. Do you think I should stop it? I mean, would I not have to tell her I don't believe she isn't in an A (EA or PA) to justify quitting counseling? What would that do if she is claiming just a friendship?
Ugh...she just texted me and asked how my day was going and if I was going to our sons award ceremony. Do I reply to that? I am normally a quick thinker but I feel so scattered right now.
thank you. That makes sense. So how, in your opinion, do I go about it? We have a counseling session scheduled for next week. Do I just cancel that, or do I go to that one but bring up during it that while she is carrying on with the A we should stop counseling?
During counseling in our first session, W said that she would stop communication with OM to focus on R. When I brought him up in another session, the MC suggested that we had decided not to focus on that and work on our R, so I dropped it. I knew that was wrong, but didn't know what to say at the time. Now I realize that the counseling isn't doing any good, but have felt compelled to go because it was her idea and that seemed like a good sign.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
