I'd like to start by saying thank you to everyone here. I have read post after post and it has been extremely helpful.
It seems that most of the situations are husband's going through MLC and the wives are left trying to cope. Not so in my case, although I know I'm not alone. Here's my situation:
My wife and I have been together for going on 20 years, married for 13. I am 39, she is 37. We started dating right after I finished high school and she was still in. We have dated and gotten married every since then, never breaking up or having marital issues. We have 2 children, 13 (son) and 11 (daughter). Our marriage has been great and we've lived a good life together. We both have good jobs, our kids are smart and well adjusted, we take vacations, we both cook, clean, take care of the kids, and share responsibilities. Not to say there might not be things to work on with our relationship, but we have been happy together. With being together so long we probably needed to work on spending more quality time with just her and I, but I think that is common in a marriage of this length...but again, we have been happy and you can't hide that. She has always been an amazing, loyal, selfless, intelligent woman. I have always felt loved by her.
About 5-6 months ago I started to notice small changes. I didn't think too much about it at the time, but I noticed. She at first started loosing weight and working out. Lots of people pick up exercising and she was looking good so I thought nothing of it. Then, over the course of the next 2 months I started to notice a little distance from her. That and she started hanging out with friends from work more. Maybe foolishly, I still didn't think much about it. I just figured that she wanted to spend more time with friends she was making...and I thought that a healthy thing since she is normally a little shy and anti-social. Good for her I thought.
Then, somewhere around 3 to 4 months in, she started going to happy hours with coworkers, but not coming home till late...and on week nights. This is not normal behavior for her and I started to become worried. One evening she did not come home till 4 in the morning. She felt bad and apologized and I let it go, but I was beginning to see there was something wrong. About 2 weeks after that, she lied about where she was in the evening. I knew she was lying and when she got home told me we needed to talk. She explained that she had met a male coworker after work to have dinner with him. She said he had just gone through a divorce and was sad and that she was just consoling him. Then, at the end of it, there was a moment that passed and they kissed. She said she felt really bad about it, didn't mean for it to happen, and wanted to be honest with me about it. She then also explained how she had not been happy recently. She said that we had not been close recently and that she wanted more intimacy (not sex, but the hand holding and date kind of stuff.)I was floored. I knew something was up, but I had no idea. I thought that even though we should do more of that stuff, that we already did and just needed a little push.
I then jumped full fledge in to what we all do. I tried to make it better by asking her on dates, complimenting her, etc. As you know, this did not work. She said she felt awkward because she thought this was what she wanted but it felt forced. I was torn up. She continued to go out in the evenings.
I also noticed that she was always on her phone. At some point, I looked through her phone to see what she was doing all that time. I found that she was texting that co-worker...a lot. I confronted her about it and she admitted that she had developed feelings for him. She said she hadn't acted on the feelings, but that she was texting him. She also said she would stop. Fast forward a week or 2 and I found out that she was now sexting with him. She still said there was no PA, but that almost seems like a moot point. At this point, I still knew nothing about MLC. I THINK she has actually put the EA on hold, but I'm probably being naive about that., but she has been brutally honest about everything when I have asked or we have had our talks. She explains that she knows it was wrong and that it isn't going anywhere. I'm leaving that alone for now cause I know there isn't anything I can do. It is easier for me at this point to believe her, and I think for my sake I need to. Who knows...she could be telling the truth.
More stuff happened, but most of it was just repeat of above. Still going out late, cold shoulder to me, and laxed with the kids when she has always been super mom.
Although I mistakenly pushed to "talk" about things and tried to reason with her, we never argued, yelled, called each other names, etc. We even continued having sex, although I admit that it seemed like she was just letting me, even though she might have enjoyed the act once initiated. Unlike others, she has come around with admitting the issue is with her. She hasn't said ILYB, but she might as well since that is more or less what she describes. She says that she knows in the back of her mind that one day she wants us to grow old together, but she just can't now. She needs her space and to find her independence.
We started couples counseling (at her request). After Easter, there were a couple late nights drinking with friends. I finally told her that we couldn't keep doing that because it was hurting the family. We decided that she should move out for a trial separation. We had only been to 1 counseling session, but the space was needed for both of us. She didn't just leave angry. We talked about it and agreed to ground rules. That was a timed separation (not open ended), still married working on relationship so no dating, worked out schedules with the kids, and discussed maybe meeting up once a week to do something together.
That was about a week ago. The first 2 days she was gone I could not believe how much better I felt. I love and miss her, but the awkward anxious feelings I was having and the walking on eggshells was killing me to a degree I didn't comprehend. Since it has only been a week I have still seen her as she has to come grab stuff she couldn't move initially as well as scheduling with the kids. Since then I have also found this site and have actively started the DBing with her. With a clearer mindset from the split, that has been easier. I THINK I have already started seeing some micro changes.
I have never gotten the opinion that she hated my guts or anything. She seems to be handling it a little more rationally than some, although she is definitely a MLCer exhibiting all the behavior.
Yesterday I felt really good and started making plans for myself. Today I am a little more solemn. I think the good thing is that my lows are not quite as low...and that I have highs at all (been a bit since I've felt happy).
Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon _________________________ Me-63, D30,S29
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sjohn6, welcome to this unfortunate club. My wonderful wife gave me the b d 9'months ago. W most days is still friendly and affectionate. She has a fantasy about an employee of hers. We still have sex and live together. She is taking d proceedings very slowly. You are not alone. Yes, she wants space and independence but still wants the benefits of m and family.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
so sorry you are here. as you have started to focus on you your children will need you so much more. MLC'r tend to forget parenting 101. I/m so glad you found this place. You will be well guided.
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Thank you guys for the encouragement. Every day seems like a battle to get through. It seems that she thinks she is making efforts to fix things because we are separated and working on things while being enrolled in counseling. She is nice when I see her for 10 minutes every couple of days to trade off with the kids. She hugs me and gives me a kiss (peck on the lips) when she leaves. She will occasionally text me to see how my days was. She has explained at times that she feels empty of emotion, and I see the things she is doing as calculated measures to string me along until she is ready to return. It seems a positive thing in one way that she wants to keep up relations. On the other hand, she is my wife of 20 years that we have had a great relationship so a quick hug after a 10 minute conversation just isn't filling the void for me.
Having said that, I am trying to just be her friend and not peruse her at all. I reply to her text, but in a short but friendly way (WAS: How was your day - Me: Good, and yours). I feel like I am doing all the right things, but I still feel terrible inside and cry myself to sleep more times than I care to admit. I will have an up day where I feel like I am on top of things, only to feel really down for 3 days after. The lows are not as low...but it still hurts.
My concern now is that if we are apart and I start to heal, are we going to grow apart to the degree that I won't be interested in fixing things?
Have you thought about not responding to her texts as quickly as you have been? Maybe take an hour or so before responding. Sometimes, it's best not to appear like you are sitting there waiting for them to ring you run, etc.
Also, live in the present, as it is a gift of time. The future is not ours to see and it will unfold as time moves along. At this time, I wouldn't be worried about whether or not you will be interested in fixing things in the future. Just focus on the there and now. Okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for that. I have been working on the reply thing. I have been trying to wait on replies...and there have been a couple texts that I didn't reply to at all. They didn't warrant a reply, but we have always at least acknowledged that a message was received, so not replying at all is something different...even if a reply wasn't warranted.
I have been trying to live for me and in the moment, that is just really hard to do ALL the time. I am really glad I found this website as it has helped so much.
When you say you are actively DBing, what does that mean? Job is right. Don't dwell on the past or the future. Live in the present. You can only control you in the here and now. You will have good and bad days. What people and activities comfort you? Friends? Exercise?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Also, live in the present, as it is a gift of time. The future is not ours to see and it will unfold as time moves along. At this time, I wouldn't be worried about whether or not you will be interested in fixing things in the future. Just focus on the there and now. Okay?
Originally Posted By: Gordie
When you say you are actively DBing, what does that mean? Job is right. Don't dwell on the past or the future. Live in the present. You can only control you in the here and now. You will have good and bad days. What people and activities comfort you? Friends? Exercise?
Job and Gordie are both correct. Focus on you in the present. Stay strong for your kids. Keep yourself healthy...it is harder when you are stressed. (speaking from experience) Get closer to God and ask him to guide your steps. She is confused and lost right now and she is on a journey that she has to walk...only, she has to walk it alone an figure out what it is that she has to overcome. You control you. We are here for you to vent to when you need to let off some steam.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
I can't thank you enough for the advice. I read these things all throughout this site, but for whatever reason, it helps more when directed at me specifically.
As for DBing, I mainly meant that I am not in pursuit mode anymore (I think...trying to understand cake eating and her maybe trying to get me to peruse again). Not actively contacting her, pushing her in to R conversations, letting her have her space without questioning things she's doing...and have even stopped snooping on my own even though I have the capabilities.
Now I'm just trying to get an active handle on how I should interact with her when I see her (not fall victim to pursuit games while remaining cordial)...and how to live for myself without focusing on her in my head all day.
I have actually started doing things for myself like exercising (lost about 20lbs through this and was not heavy to begin with), hanging out with friends, and teaching myself the piano. It helps a little but it also feels a little empty. I figure if I keep up with it things will get better. Some days are harder than others...
