I'm very glad to read that you had a wonderful time visiting w/your D.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well - it's been almost a month so I suppose it's time for a post. I've been reading here off and on but not too much. Probably a bunch of the people around currently won't remember me nor my drama.
Nothing much has been happening here. I did discover that on one of her visits to the house while I was on vacation that STBX took some of the antique glassware from the china cabinet. Annoying but it doesn't really bother me as it was stuff that I was never allowed to use anyway as it was "too good" to be used.
I haven't heard from her since her email at the start of March when she said she was coming to the house for her stuff from the front porch. She blocked me on Facebook sometime after I unfriended her. I only realized this because D24 had some comments on a Facebook post that didn't show up and I checked. This is a good thing because now I don't stumble across her name nor her activities even by accident. I expect that she is pretty intent on blocking me from her new life.
Life here is quiet with me and the cats. Spring is in full force now and I'm looking forward to getting out into the flower beds etc again. I think for this year I'll leave the plantings largely as they are including STBX's heritage plants. On the list of actions that I suggested to her back in January is an item for her to come and retrieve whatever plants she may want. Some of them are quite nice such as the back garden bed of peonies from her grandparent's farm. I've started some spinach inside as an experiment to see if I can get a head-start on that. Wish me luck. Spinach supposedly doesn't transplant well.
This morning just in case any other LBSs are having "adventures in housekeeping" like I am I found a great new pancake recipe. As AndrewP - Single Guy v1.0 I was great at making them but both lost my touch and had struggles scaling my recipe down for one person with a much lower metabolism than I had in my 20s. If you google "Lonely Girl Pancakes" you'll find the recipe I used which worked out quite well. She has some other recipes for tiny cakes made in coffee mugs too which I may try. Most of the mugs left the house with STBX but there's still a bunch left - we had sooo many.
My moods swing up and down still but not as dramatically as they used to. I'm coming out of a down swing that has lasted for a bit over a week. I can't recall the last time that I wept though - it was several months ago and that time was when I was overwhelmed by how kind people around me have been. It has been tough in the mornings waking up alone which seems to be a trigger for me. Not that there's much chance of that changing any time soon. Other than the one very nice lady I asked out back in January who was kind when she turned me down, I've not asked anyone else out. This isn't anything that can be "fixed" through a GAL activity. My life is actually rather good and as full as I want it to be currently. My barber was assuring me yesterday that there are a lot of single women our age in the area and complained that they keep hitting on him even though he's married. I suggested that he let them know that I exist
Now that STBX and OM have been "outed" I can talk to people more comfortably about where I am and why. In the last few days a surprising number of people have suggested that STBX may try to come back and have told me in no uncertain terms that I would be an absolute idiot to let her. I would agree with them. I can't imagine her changing from the person that she became almost exactly one year ago when I discovered that OM existed. I know that part of why I am down is because of that anniversary coming up. I'm trying to find Joy and comforts where I can. I still get my roses (and chat with the nice lady at the shop) and she's putting together an arrangement for my table for Easter. I still walk a fair bit usually about 4km on Sundays but now no longer do it with spinning thoughts of STBX. I do stop off for a nice bowl of soup at the end with my friend at the bake shop. Today's is a creamy potato soup I've been promised.
I did meet with my L at the end of last month and she gave me some very good advice that I'm not going into many details on here since there's a fair chance that STBX knows that I come here. In essence she did suggest that I not stir the pot and leave well enough alone. She told me that there is no legal barrier to me dating - I didn't ask her if she knew anyone who would date me It's still my hope that STBX will do as I asked / suggested and write up a simple agreement on her side and then I'll just sign the darned thing if it is reasonable. I'm not holding my breath though. The only legal things on my side that are involved is the ownership of the house - not that it's worth much and me getting married again and since I can't seem to get a date ....
I have no idea at all what is up with STBX but don't tend to worry about it. I don't hear much if anything about her. The kids don't mention her and her new life and friends don't intersect with mine. I don't wish her ill although from time to time the anger and hurt does come to the surface still. I do think that both of our lives will be simplified if she and OM have a "happily ever after" but don't know if that is her intention or not. The only stuff she has left behind in the house that I wanted gone is some exercise equipment that I have moved out of sight in the front porch in case she comes for it. From comments from others and from what I saw on the security camera she's back to her pre-OM weight so perhaps she is now happy and back to her old snacking habits.
Tonight I'm going to try a variation of Jack_3_Bean's Chicken Marsalla but doing it in the wok instead of a regular pan. Wish me luck. Since the cats don't get any and I don't tend to complain about the quality of cooking no matter who is doing it, it should be fine. My own weight has stayed pretty stable at about 100kg down from the 120ish that I was pre BD. My appetites for all sorts of things have pretty much returned which I take as a positive thing. I have a bunch of windows open right now and there's a nice cross-breeze through the house. I hung my wash outside yesterday for the second time this spring and it was nice to see the sheets and unmentionables flapping in the breeze. I still have my ironing to do today but that I've got down pat.
I hope everyone, both people that know me and those who I've not met are doing well. This place was both a place of healing and pain for me but I continue to be grateful for both it and for the wonderful people I have met here who have helped and are helping to shape my new life. Thank you all for your kind birthday wishes and LouR - keep looking. You never know when an odd looking lump on the beach will be pure ambergris. A special shout out to my old friends Altair, Coly23, Westo, CT1118, ForGump and of course job without whom I would still be so very lost.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hey AP, great to see you post an update. I think of you often and wonder how you are doing.
you sound like you have reached that nirvana in your sitch which we all aspire to and that's acceptance. I think with acceptance comes the ever elusive detachment and for me I think it has to be that way around. Acceptance leads to detachment.
You are an inspiration to me in how you have followed your path and built a life that doesn't centre around your stbx. I especially love your cooking adventures! You should write a book about your cooking adventures! Maybe call it LBS Cooking Adventures in the Bottom of a Chest Freezer... !
I know it can still be very painful AP. I'm struggling a lot with my emotions these days but I think that's to do with getting closer to acceptance and the realisation that I may not get the resolution I desire so much.
I'm going to say this now and I hope I do not upset anyone but from experience second marriages/relationships struggle so much more because of expectations. Although I don't regret marrying my H I now see I was not ready to marry as I had not done the work on myself following my divorce from my first H. I regret making sure I didn't make the same mistakes so all I can say is take your time. You will only be lonely if you let yourself be lonely.
Please come back and update us often (((AP)).
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Well - another month is pretty much gone by and yet again not much to report.
News of STBX and her activities both current and past continue to spread. By this time though I would imagine that it's gotten normalized though just like me being alone has been I am sure. There are still occasionally people I encounter who are surprised. Generally people are quite kind.
I'm not sure what S22 / D24 think of it all. They've both been very kind and supportive of me although S22 continues to be depressed and withdrawn. I've largely left him alone. He did come up for Easter with his mother which nobody told me about but we use a location sharing app and I happened to check. I chose to take no notice / make no comment. My own Easter was reasonably good. The flower shop did me a nice centre-piece for my table which the cats only nibbled at a bit before deciding that it was a bad idea. I cooked up a ham, had a nice bottle of wine and it was reasonably good.
I think we are slowly dragging along to the eventual end of things. It turned out that STBX left what she thought were my car keys here when she was here in March but in fact left her's which made me giggle. I packaged them up with an apologetic note suggesting that it was my mistake in not getting them back to her. Also I had asked at the post office about getting the locks changed there and a week or so later the guy who runs this (STBX's boss) mentioned that he had my spare key. That was probably awkward.
Yesterday one of the several good causes that STBX has volunteered with left a package at my door so I emailed her that she could come and pick it up. She replied and mentioned that she would also drop off my car key for which I thanked her. She came by around noon today and was in the house for a total of about 30 seconds according to the security cameras and yes, the keys are here now. I don't know if she still has a house key or if she used the spare one that I haven't moved. I'm not planning on emailing her a separate thank you. She knows already.
Some of the people around me are pushing me to be aggressive in getting her to complete off the separation. There are still banking ties which are annoying etc but really, I don't think it makes much difference. Based on the advice from here, leaving her to continue her journey at her own pace while I am here on the Far Shore on my own journey is probably for the best as far as making this amicable.
Some people whose opinions I very much trust have suggested that she and OM will never get their "happily ever after" since if it was going to happen it should have already. I do dread the possibility of her knocking on the door one day and asking for forgiveness and to come back. I have indeed searched my heart long and hard for this forgiveness and cannot yet find it. I find no hate though. The anger is still there but the passing of time has dulled it just as it has dulled the memories of the sharp and nearly fatal pain that I felt this time 12 months ago.
I don't like being single but feel no burning need to dash out and try to start something. I certainly won't be logging on to Plenty of Christian Harmony Fish or whatever those sites are to try to find love. Many of the people around me know that I am alone, that I'm a decent guy and that I am open to finding a kind and caring (and probably necessarily patient) woman with whom I can share my life at some point. Many of those people have been very positive that such a person will come my way if I just let things happen "organically". I am enough of a farm boy to know though that even organic crops need fertilizer.
So - the Earth has gone full circle around the sun now since my old world was destroyed. The grass is turning green and has actually had to be cut once already. The flowers are bursting out of their beds as is the rhubarb. I don't care for a number of the flowers but on my "list" is an item for STBX to come and get cuttings / roots of whichever heritage plants she wants although living in an apartment it might be difficult for her to propagate them. In a couple of weeks I'll pull the winter cover off my sloop and check to see if I need to make some new sails for "the bear" for this season. She hasn't been on the water in a very long time but I think this year she'll get her bottom wet a time or two.
A lot of me wishes both that this never happened and that it was all "over" with. I still am living largely day to day. Jack and eric gave me some excellent advice a long time ago here to make the decision every day on whether I would continue to Stand or not. I chose a while ago not to Stand any more. Each day I continue to be comfortable with that choice.
I hope all are well. I still read from time to time. More in the last couple of weeks because I'm in a bit of a down cycle. Most here I don't know and am not familiar with your stories. I am grateful for this place as a place that was indeed a light for me in a very dark time. I have found the ability to make my own light now and have found other lights shining in the darkness that help guide my way.
Music is very important to me as anyone who has "played the home game" may know. One song that always fills me with Joy was put together by a very good charity called Playing for Change. It is called Satchita and is sung in Portuguese and Sanskrit, two languages that I do not know at all. I found the English version of these lyrics recently and thought I would share them for the more spiritual ones among us. Knowing what the words actually mean make the song even more special for me. The floor is wide open, feel free to dance.
Originally Posted By: Playing For Change
I pray to God that men are lost in your footsteps And that dreams awaken these dormant eyes That love overflows and we live in peace The days end with tired arms and that luck just wants to be by your side. And that pain will not haunt you or cause you despair, I pray to God
Primordial sound that which is formless, omnipresent, Pure Consciousness Manifesting in love and divine bliss, Supreme creator beyond space and time, Supreme soul guiding mankind, Supreme inner energy that manifests as all powerful mother nature along With the unchanging and constant father I submit and submerge myself, I become one with.
I pray to God. Send us from heaven much wisdom and true love. That no one goes hungry. A hug from his arms to live in Peace ending wars And poverty. Find joy from sadness and that light illuminates the lost souls towards a Better future.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
AP, great to hear from you! The board had changed quite a lot over the part few months but there are still a few of us familiar posters who continue to visit.
Sounds like you continue to move forward with your life which is as much as we all hope to do. Although I was sad to read that your son came up to see his Mum at Easter but didn't stop in on you. I think it's on these occasions that the split in the family is at its most noticeable.
Just one very tiny 2x4 from me and that is to say that it no way should you have apologised to STBX for her error in picking up the wrong key. I know you are such a gentleman but she does not deserve your chivalry at all.
Like you I love this time of the year. As someone said on here previously it is a time for new growth and new beginnings and it fills me with hope for my future even if it is on my own. I hope you get to take advantage of the warm, sunny days in your sloop messing about on the river....
Wishing you lots of Peace AP. X
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Well - I didn't expect to be posting again any time soon. Just cruising along, making some plans for the summer and living quietly alone. But as job posted to Altair Life has a way of changing very quickly
On Saturday night I was on the phone with a good friend enjoying an adult beverage when a text comes in from S22. He asked if he could move home the next day "for a short time". I knew that his lease was up and both his mother and I had been unable to get information from him on where he was moving to so this was more than a bit of a surprise. He's not working and left school some time ago but had been living in "student housing" just off-campus.
So - Sunday rather than being spent going to the local home and garden show and doing my ironing involved driving about 1/2 way across the province, helping to clean his apartment, loading the trailer and then driving back in heavy rain. I now ache in all sorts of places. On the way back he answered a text from his mother asking for his new address. A small part of me is curious as to how she took that news. I believe he responds to her text messages but not mine in part because she gets upset when he doesn't.
When I had talked to friends about S22 and any move he might have made I had presumed that his "best" option would have been to move in with his mother. I presume that they are close - he was wearing his souvenir hat she got for him on her high end vacation with the d@@chenozzle (punch me in the gut again please - I expect he didn't think). I have of course over-analyzed all of the "whys" but know that they don't really matter. She would have presumably pressured him more than I would, she knows lots of construction guys who could use an extra man and then there's OM who has a delivery company that might have given him a job. Shelving my ego and emotions is necessary in this case.
I need to try to figure out now something that I didn't expect to have to deal with. Co-parenting. He's under my roof but his mother lives 8 minutes away. He is also an adult too. He seems in a fairly positive mood and was open to some suggestions I made like getting his driver's license. He talks on one hand about a "short time" and on the other about being there for a couple of years. Thinking it through I don't see any need to reach out to his mother. When we were together we weren't able to help him, perhaps in part because we expected the other to take the lead and also perhaps because things were deteriorating between us. If his mother wants to be involved, that's up to her. Mother's day is coming up so they will probably spend that together and maybe they will talk.
He seems to be looking forward to us being two guys living together although it's hard to tell after one day together. Wednesday we're going to do some grocery shopping because I don't have enough food for both of us for the whole week and because he probably will want some different things. On the weekend we'll be refreshing his wardrobe using the rent money I gave him at the end of last month that he didn't need. I have to figure out a way to have some constructive discussions with him on turning his life around and getting some traction but am planning on giving him the week to get settled in and comfortable and safe. One thing I'm going to push a bit is for him to get in to see a therapist who can perhaps help him with his depression etc.
Without a driver's license there's not a lot of opportunities for him in my village so we need to figure out the balance between healing and growing. I don't know those answers and he probably doesn't either. He could move into the small town about 20 minutes away. There's no transit but there are lots of opportunities for a keen young man - which historically he's not been. He also has expressed in the past that he never wanted to move home and work in one of the local small businesses because that would have been "failing". Staying in my village creates some logistical problems as well as I'm not generally easily available to give him a lift to wherever working 2 1/2 hours away from home 4 days/week. Taxis are available and reasonably cheap or he might ask his mother who is much more available.
Since he's home I've turned off the security system. No clue if his mother will stop by the house to visit him while I'm away and in many ways it's none of my business if that happens. There's not much left for her to take out of the house anyway.
He's been gone for 4 years so it will be weird to have him as a permanent resident again. I did promise him that he could move home at any time with no questions asked and I do keep my promises.
Just when you think you've got it all figured out ....
Last edited by job; 05/01/1711:25 AM. Reason: edited language
It's still my hope that STBX will do as I asked / suggested and write up a simple agreement on her side and then I'll just sign the darned thing if it is reasonable. I'm not holding my breath though. The only legal things on my side that are involved is the ownership of the house - not that it's worth much and me getting married again and since I can't seem to get a date ....