Sure, that's terrible if someone is like that in a marriage. You deal with it by giving an ultimatum (marriage counseling or I'm out) then by exiting the marriage if it can't be saved.
What you DON'T do is use that as an excuse to have an affair.
I think neglect is a way of checking out emotionally. Sometimes it's just being oblivious to what a R is, sometimes it's passive-aggressive, or it could be laziness/selfishness. Once someone has checked out emotionally, the groundwork is laid for an affair.
Then it's really up to the neglected/cheated on spouse to decide when they give up hope to fix the R.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Oh - and you take that story with a HUGE grain of salt if it's being told by the WAS.
Don't get me wrong - there ARE bad spouses out there. But more often than not, a couple is caught in a downward spiral of each not feeling like their needs are being met, then withholding from the other.
Don't get me wrong - there ARE bad spouses out there. But more often than not, a couple is caught in a downward spiral of each not feeling like their needs are being met, then withholding from the other.
Oh - and you take that story with a HUGE grain of salt if it's being told by the WAS.
Don't get me wrong - there ARE bad spouses out there. But more often than not, a couple is caught in a downward spiral of each not feeling like their needs are being met, then withholding from the other.
Absolutely, the answer isn't cheating. If you really tried everything ad nothing is happening and you need to leave for your own sanity, you leave.
My point is you have two violations of the vows. I think it's a matter of perception of which is "worse" But the cheater will always be branded as the biggest wrongdoer. Then you have someone who checked out of the marriage, maybe not through infidelity, but only decides to shape up when the other spouse is out the door and this person is the poor person who was cheated on and "doesn't want the divorce" and the cheater is portrayed as the root of all evil.
It's just 2 huge wrongs in my opinion, but that cheating always seems to wash away the neglectful spouses wrongdoings.
I actually took the wrong quote, I apologize for that. But yes I agree. There is a particular sitch on these boards that really got me thinking of this. And one IRL.
I do not think it is ever ok to cheat. It is being weak. And like someone said, its all a matter of perspective.
The neglectful partner could be exhausted from working 2 jobs to support a family. Sure, the stay at home partner might feel neglected and have a reason to feel so, but life is hard they need to toughen up. Even if the neglectful partner was neglectful intentionally or because of an addiction, the neglected partner should look at other alternatives other then cheating. Cheating is never ok. Thats why its called cheating.
Now another question is, if a partner that is neglected intentionally or due to an addiction should leave the relationship? That's a tougher question. And a harder line to draw. Because again, its a matter of perspective. I guess, its a personal decision that should have really been discussed between both partners before marriage. Probably none of us established clear cut boundaries as to when its ok to end a relationship.
I have a different question. What do you believe the ideal divorce rate should be (between 0-100%)?
Great question
MHO is around 5% in only extreme abusive cases where your life is in danger. But reality is that we have a no fault system in place in all 50 states and one partner can terminate a marriage without the others OK. So love still remains a choice and so does marriage.
Hello, my sweet friend. Sorry again that we couldnt meet today. Long story.
Anyway, I just read about what happened with FF. You know, G, how I feel about feelings...you feel as you do and none of them are invalid.
Yours got hurt. Knowing who you are and how you love, I get it completely. Whether or not he meant to hurt them, and I dont think he did, doesnt cushion the feelings.
I think that he views you meeting his parents as a very big thiFor yong and he got spooked a bit. Doesnt mean he doesnt care about you, but, just as you have triggers regarding holidays, he seems to have some regarding relationships.
I still think that you were right in telling him how you felt. As I said, they are your feelings and they matter.
I had to have a tough conversation the other day with R. For us, that stuff is difficult. You and I for different reasons in how we grew up, dont always think our feelings should matter. We worry about the other person before we think of us.
So, you told him. He told you how he felt. I dont think this should be a deal breaker in any way. I think you were given a small gift. Knowledge of where he is at and so you can adjust accordingly.
I dont mean punish him for how he felt. Nor do I mean that you have to roll back your feelings for him. I do mean that you need to think about taking it slower in terms of things like meeting parents, etc.
Doesnt mean he no longer cares. Doesnt mean you arent worthy of his feelings, G...you know you are. It just means that his feelings are also valid. And I guess in his mind, while you two were getting really close, that step was too big to take at this time.
As far as your girl, stop beating yourself up. You are a wonderful mother who would never do anything to intentionally hurt her. I think it is important for her to see that there are people who want to be with you and who treat you with respect.
If by chance it doesnt work out, you will explain to her in your wonderful, honest way and she will be ok as long as you are.
By the way, those triggers succk, right?One of the ways I have in dealing with them is to do something different when I am confronted with one of them.
Could you do something different around Easter next year? Make it a happy time the day before? Plan to go out?
As far as your ex...he is an a$$ to the thousandth degree. I know what it's like to have a parent always put you down. She sees who he is, G, and she is so smart. And she has you....
I am always rooting you on and praying for you...I also know, without a single doubt, that you will be ok. You are an amazing woman..who is not afraid to look within. That takes true strength. Don't ever forget that.
Enjoy life's stuff, G. The little things...the important things. Try not to get ahead of yourself too much.
