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25yearmics,

Thanks for breaking that down for me. It's clear now. Anyone have any idea on how imitate intimacy other than sex? Trying to get to the point of holding hands, kissing and etc. That's what she wanted during the marriage that got neglected.


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PEW,

That's exactly I've been doing with detaching. Doing my own thing and GAL, but when she calls and text, I make myself available to her. I've noticed that if I am in another room to myself, W makes a point to find and inquires what I am reading, watching, etc. Sometimes it feels like were in high school. And I am ignoring a girl to gain her attention. Wondering how long does it have to be like this.


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WshlKnl,

I made that mistake initially when I first discovered the A. Followed my W into every room trying to spend time with her. Because I knew she wanted attention throughout the marriage. But looking back a few months later, I provably came off crazy to her. And she hated me doing that.


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Originally Posted By: Tread
PEW,

That's exactly I've been doing with detaching. Doing my own thing and GAL, but when she calls and text, I make myself available to her. I've noticed that if I am in another room to myself, W makes a point to find and inquires what I am reading, watching, etc. Sometimes it feels like were in high school. And I am ignoring a girl to gain her attention. Wondering how long does it have to be like this.

Yeah. I thought I could relax after several years with my wife, and I did, and it was awesome. But often I've felt like I've been dealing with a teenager, since BD.

I got too relaxed when we were together, and couldn't read her because of her putting on a happy face. But I've learned a whole lot.


M: 33, W: 30 @BD
M 7, T 10
BD: Early Dec
W left: Late Dec
W got stuff: Late Jan
W sent S papers: Mid Feb
OM cnfrmd: Late Feb

Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
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The one thing that I have come to understand from this forum and a lot of internet reading is that the situation you find yourself at hand did it happen overnight so it will not be repaired quickly either. My M and a lot of other ones here broke down over time and I feel that if we truly love them then we owe it to our S's to invest a great amount of time into making it whole again and in the process realize our shortcomings and failures and become better people who can actually have better relationships. Just use this time wisely and you won't focus on the negatives as much. I have my moments of weakness but they are for ny eyes only and the occasional time my best friend is around. Other than that I try and remain strong and happy in front of her. My W was getting ready to leave to go out tonight and she came downstairs where I was getting ready to workout and she said what is wrong with me and that I have had this happy look for awhile and I just told her that I was just staying positive. She left wondering why I was happy. I find that truly ironic.

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I definitely now believe that the only person you can change is yourself. I'm in the second in the DR book now. And the first part itself explained my marriage perfectly. I can see exactly where I went wrong. Glad that your W is noticing.

The thing I also find interesting on the part of my W. Is that she used "I need to be by myself to better myself. But since this DB/A been going on. W has done nothing to improve herself. If anything she has become a worst person. Going out drinking and lying. Myself on the other has improved a lot in the first quarter of this year. Life is funny like that.


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Last night I noticed that my W mentioned the OM. Had no idea what it was about. But it amazes me the obsession with some other W husband. When all they had was sex a few times on a cruise ship. And everything after that has been conversation via FB messenger and text. The OM hasn't even bought my W a drink and she can't seem to stay away. I'm so bad, but now she's chasing after married 'Serial Cheater' who never been able to stay faithful to his own W. Not seeing how she can view this as an improvement or some kind of hard decision to make.


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Originally Posted By: Tread
Last night I noticed that my W mentioned the OM. Had no idea what it was about. But it amazes me the obsession with some other W husband. When all they had was sex a few times on a cruise ship. And everything after that has been conversation via FB messenger and text. The OM hasn't even bought my W a drink and she can't seem to stay away. I'm so bad, but now she's chasing after married 'Serial Cheater' who never been able to stay faithful to his own W. Not seeing how she can view this as an improvement or some kind of hard decision to make.


Ive never really done drugs, so take what Im about to say with a grain of salt.

But I kind of think of affairs like starting on some type of illegal drug. You know going in that its bad for you and that youll only wind up in trouble. Youve seen the "Intervention" shows and read the stories. But someone gets you to try it once and then you are hooked.

This isnt a logical decision of you vs him. This is a decision of who makes her 'feel good' and the logic is out the window.

My advice is to stop comparing yourself to 'prove' you are the better choice. Instead, just BE the better choice.

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Originally Posted By: Kaizen
Originally Posted By: Tread
Last night I noticed that my W mentioned the OM. Had no idea what it was about. But it amazes me the obsession with some other W husband. When all they had was sex a few times on a cruise ship. And everything after that has been conversation via FB messenger and text. The OM hasn't even bought my W a drink and she can't seem to stay away. I'm so bad, but now she's chasing after married 'Serial Cheater' who never been able to stay faithful to his own W. Not seeing how she can view this as an improvement or some kind of hard decision to make.


Ive never really done drugs, so take what Im about to say with a grain of salt.

But I kind of think of affairs like starting on some type of illegal drug. You know going in that its bad for you and that youll only wind up in trouble. Youve seen the "Intervention" shows and read the stories. But someone gets you to try it once and then you are hooked.

This isnt a logical decision of you vs him. This is a decision of who makes her 'feel good' and the logic is out the window.

My advice is to stop comparing yourself to 'prove' you are the better choice. Instead, just BE the better choice.


I forget where I saw it, but someone on the MLC board just recently posted that they spoke to a couple of women who were the "OW" to some married men. They described it to her as just that...a type of high. They knew it was wrong, but they were hooked on the feeling that it gave them...I guess some type of rushes are irresistible.

In my case, my W is from a very addicted family...ranging from drugs to alcohol. She has never indulged in any of those things, but I can now see addictive tendencies in her with this OM and her extreme desire to move on with either him or whatever. This will never make sense to any of us that are thinking normal.


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S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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Kaizen,

I hear what your saying that A is like a drug. And I understand that it is caused by chemicals in the brain. Also know that there is no logic behind it. But this is a long distance thing being held together by messages and the occasional short conversation. The drug like influence you would think would be at a bare minimum. Still plan on being the better choice when its said and done. But this situation is causing me to learn so much about my W and other people as well.


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