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Well - my four year romance with Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome has ended, not with a whimper or a bang, but with a nuclear event.

Some background - Mr. TDH was a recovering addict. He won me over with his self-awareness, his loving kindness towards me and my family, and he spoke my love languages. He made me feel cherished and loved in a delightful way. He seemed grateful for every day of healthy living and worked hard to maintain his health.

He had some quirks but I wrote them off as residuals from his addiction history or due to learning how to function as a sober adult.

He's been sober for 7 years, we were together for 4.

Well, at the beginning of April he relapsed. In a spectacular, "suddenly depressed, I'm going to go smoke crack on skid row to kill myself " sort of way.

The last three weeks have been a long saga including three psych hospitalizations, I've had to call the police on him twice to take him in, psych meds, all the kinds of crazy stuff you might expect. At first I fought mightily to try to get him a two week mandatory psych hold ( no luck - our system is terrible) and proper care and treatment.

In the midst of all this, I discover - wait for it - he's had a side chick for the LAST THREE YEARS!

Wow - was I snowed. I never would have guessed; he adored me more than any man I ever dated.

You'd think I would be devastated, but oddly, I'm not. I feel like I've done everything possible to get him help, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. It almost feels like a get out of jail free card. I might feel compassion for the addict, but the sociopathy involved in lying for three years? There's no fix for that character defect and I want no part of it.

Luckily for me, the side chick is pretty codependent, and I'm hoping she will care for his immediate needs so I can just quietly back out of the room. He's clearly got issues WAY beyond any I ever imagined. I feel stupid for being deceived, but not heartbroken. Before I knew any of this stuff, I would have said he was a pretty great boyfriend; I'll just remember the nice parts and move on from the train wreck.

So glad that I never lived with him, kept our finances separate, etc. My life is full and happy without a man, and the good parts of our relationship actually highlighted for me what I would like in a future relationship ( minus the sociopathic deception of course).

Fingers crossed that he leaves me alone as he moves along whatever his path is going to be.

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Oh my goodness KML, that is quite an implosion and I'm so sorry to read that. It sounds as though he has some significant difficulties and I hope he manages to work through these.

As you say, it is good that your living and monetary arrangements are separate. That's a lot cleaner and easier to walk away from. And ugh, to find there has been OP in the mix for most of the time you were together...I can see why you would want to walk away without a backward glance in all those circumstances.

I'm glad to read you aren't devastated, and I know from reading your posts that you are an independent woman with plenty of resourcefulness and a full life. Still, healing time is important and take all that you need for yourself because that's a rough turn of events for sure.

((((((Big hugs))))) xx


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We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Oh no Ellie!

I am so sorry to hear this. Addiction is a very hard and scary thing and you are quite a woman for doing the best to do the best to help him. The side piece for 3 years however? Wow. Some people are scarily deceptive.

I admire your attitude and that you are taking the good pieces, leaving behind the bad and moving forward. You sure are one strong woman.

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Oh No!

I'm so sorry! Addiction is terrible. I know you were quite happy w/ Mr. TDH so I'm very sorry you don't have that now. However, you are right in that it is good you never lived together. Much harder to unentangle.

I finally really broke up w/ my contractor/Aikido sensei guy... It has been a long go of trying to work things out but in the end he has way too much work to do on himself.

For the sake of my relationship w/ his 9 y.o. daughter I still have meals with them about 1x a week. It is hard to maintain boundaries w/ the dad..but we try.

The most annoying thing is that friends are immediately trying to hook me up with somebody (totally not interested at this time).

Hope you feel OK and are able to move on quickly. It sounds like that's the case.

Take care! (((((hugs)))))

SG


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"The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker






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Originally Posted By: kml
You'd think I would be devastated, but oddly, I'm not.

Glad to hear this.

Life has a peculiar way of giving us more than we can handle.
Sorry he couldn't keep it together but maybe you are
better off that this happened before you made a
more permanent commitment to him.

It is pretty shocking that he had someone on the side.

I guess I will never understand that.


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Hey SG -
Sorry to hear about your guy, but I know last time you visited that you were sounding like it was winding down for you. Frankly, at this age, if a guy isn't adding something important to my life, they may not be worth the trouble.

One silver lining to the fact that I dated all those Love Avoidant guys before Mr. TDH - I still have a roster of guys who would be more than willing to have me come over for a fun casual date-with-benefits, so long as I don't expect anything more from them. Not that it appeals at the moment, but if I get lonely it's good to know they're there.

In fact, I could see myself turning into one of those Love Avoidant types myself if I'm not careful. Maybe this is how it starts!

Anyway, not in any kind of mood to date anytime soon, that's for sure!

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Frankly, at this age, if a guy isn't adding something important to my life, they may not be worth the trouble.

So true! I do have to say...my guy was great for me in that he really boosted my self esteem. He was so appreciative and attentive...in the beginning. His own depression and complicated life were intruding on MY life way too much. So he was adding something important for the first few years. Then the relationship started sucking the life out of me. <sigh>

Last night I was thinking about Mr. TDH and the side chick. What an @ss! I'm glad you're doing OK. In the GAL department you are really shining! I think that is a great thing about DB...GAL really allows you to weather various storms.

Take care!
SG

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So sorry to hear this KML..R after a divorce are hard. I can't understand the cheating. I really don't get it. Do these people know the hurt they cause by cheating?


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John Wooden





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So sorry, KML. Betrayal is always devastating...along with the rest of it. Wish I could say more but...hang in there and heal. We're thinking of you here.


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
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kml Offline OP
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Yeah, betrayal and deception are rotten. Yet after my ex's betrayal, stuff like this seems like small potatoes. I'm just looking for the best way to extricate myself while still helping him get into the treatment he needs first.

The peculiar relief I feel helps me to know that he was a stressor in my life even before all this started - he just needed a lot of guidance, it was almost like having another kid sometimes. He could be a really good shoulder to lean on in bad times, I'll grant him that - but he also had a lot of needs and could be a bit erratic. Of course, now I wonder how much of what I attributed to residue from his past, was actually a consequence of the double life he was living in the present.

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