The journey does make us more compassionate and patient, but we also tend to gain, in some respects, a far better sense of humor. We also learn not to sweat the small stuff.
If your statement "housekeeping" caused him to have scratches, I just wonder what he was up to. Manscaping perhaps? He is a man full of secrets and one day, he's going to slip up and say something that will give away his hand of secret cards.
I think you've been handled everything exceptionally well. Now, let's see how your h behaves w/company in the home.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
As for me, I've known for a while that this all has changed me. The landscape of my life has been altered forever, whether my m survives or not. I will never be the same. I won't think the same way ever again either. I always thought this would harden me. It some ways it has. However, I now have times where I really believe that for me, this is making me a better person. I have a compassion for people in that I truly understand that bad things can happen to good people. I have re-learned a level of self reliance and assuredness that I lost when h started picking at me like a vulture. I have learned to compartmentalize my troubles. Okay, a and b in my life are bad, but c - z is pretty good.
This...
You have come so far and become so strong.
I had to choke down my laughter with the MLC Spirit Animal and refrain from pondering what mine would be as I fear I might enjoy that trip far to much.
Your resilience is inspiring. I have no idea how you do what you do.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Looking forward to hearing about how the time with your family went. Until then best wishes and have a good weekend
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Bttrfly - no, h wanted to be the one in 3rd grade watching Scooby-Doo.
Job - yes, I am sure he does have many secrets. In his hazy fog days he told me just what he wanted to do. I wonder how far he took things.
Cali - Thanks for those reassuring words. They mean a lot.
Gordie and Ownit - I appreciate the kind words.
Roist - thanks for the check-in.
Well, family is here and they stay for 2 more days. How is h handling it? Well, 95% of the time he seems to work pretty hard to be by himself.
Day 2 of their arrival, the guests asked where h was. He was in the dorm room (of course). I played dumb: hmm, not sure where he is. Day 3 was the same scenario. Guests ask where is h? I look confused and play dumb. By day 4 they no longer ask. I have no idea if they put together that he sleeps downstairs as they go to bed super early.
My niece also visited. And for most of that portion h also was in the dorm room. She did not ask about it. Maybe with all the commotion she did not notice?
The good news is more paranoia has not bubbled up and h did ask how he can help. He took over some tasks with the kids that allowed me to focus more on the guests.
The bad news is he is not a host at all and that is super weird. The guests are doing x and need help and h just sits and watches TV (a few times he was in the livingroom watching). H seems to be in his own little world.
Once though he did mimic hosting. I made a new tea for my cousin's wife and told her to tell me if she disliked it so I could make her a different one. A few minutes later I heard h ask if she liked the tea and should he make her a different one.
He seems to work hard to be out of the home, too. He reminds me of a kid who just got his license and is always willing to run errands. He must be desperate to be out of here because tonight he even took s13 to buy new shoes. Hah!
Between finding excuses to get and being in that dorm room, he has had minimal interaction with family. It's sad as he has missed a lot.
He did play a bit with my cousin's little girl and he really came alive during that.
Unfortunately, he most came alive when we were all out and ran into his MLC bestie. This is the Viagra popping guy h started hanging with all the time. When h saw him he made a bee line to the guy and h sure seemed like a different person: animated, laughing, etc. Of course when he is with us he looks like he is a pallbearer in a funeral.
I went over to my nice and talked to her for a bit. We walked and thank goodness for sunglasses because a few traffic roll down my face. Remnember h wrote me a letter that intimated that he realized this guy was gross and he said he no longer associated with him. Clearly that was a lie as he was practically chest bumping when they ran into each other.
H looked over at me at some point when he was talking to loser friend. And his body language changed. The guy is a trigger for me, reminding me off the hardcore replay days.
The sadness hit me like a wall. I know h wants this guy's single, responsibility free life. And that really hurts.
Yesterday we were all in the dining room and my cousin saw our wedding photo and asked me how long we'd been married. I answered and I felt h's eyes on me. I answered matter-of-factly and gave nothing more. It was probably awkward because I was detached in my response--I gave no cute story of detail. But actually, I didn't feel uncomfortable. It just felt like a fact, nothing more.
There was one off moment where my niece saw h's MLC car. She joked she wanted to borrow it unless h was going on a midnight joy ride. H got visibly sullen and said no he wasn't. It was hard to tell if he was sad those days have passed or if he was worried niece knew about the replay days. I couldn't tell.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Your post was very heart wrenching for me. I don't know what to say. Part of me feels like if H got what he wants, Viagra guy's life, within a short time frame he'd realize that's not what he wants at all, but by then where would you be?
You are in a very difficult situation and as usual you are handling it with grace.
Here i my question to you: what do you want, separate from h and the boys? Please think about that.
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Your guests have most likely figured out that your h is going thru something. They are intelligent people and can connect the dots. It's very difficult for him to "act" like the old h right now and he's going to avoid, as much as possible, being w/people who knew him and expect him to be the old h.
As for the meet up with his MLC bestie. My xh did the exact same thing. His eyes lit up, he became so happy and his body language completely changed. Back in my presence and the presence of others...yep, like a pallbearer once again. Now that my journey on the MLC path has ended, I can sit back and observe this "flipping". I have found it fascinating to observe this behavior because it just happens and it's not thought out at all. Please do not take it personally.
Just a few more days and things will settle down once again. I do hope that you and your sons have been able to enjoy your visitors in spite of your h's behavior.
At some point, which may not be any time soon, you will need to decide what you want in life and also for your sons. You've been a trooper throughout all of this, but there will come a time, if he doesn't start making some strides to grow up, that you will need to decide what to do w/the rest of your life. You will know when that time comes...until then, live your life to the fullest the best way that you can.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Guests have gone and dust is settling. The last few days the guests were here were weird. On Saturday morning I woke up to make them breakfast and entertain them. They were early risers and big breakfast people.
Afterwards I was blow drying my hair when I hear h coming up. That in and of itself is noteworthy as who knew he even remembered there was a second floor. He was not around for breakfast and of course the guests were trying to figure this all out. H popped into the room and said he picked up x food and I should make it for them. I could care less. I told him we ate hours ago. I was very flat. He is days late and a dollar short. He said I should make it tomorrow AM. I tried to be cheerful but I feel over it all.
Then I noticed a text from him from hours earlier saying he was out on a walk and picking up food for breakfast. He said to text him if he was missing anything pertinent. Of course I never saw it as I was too busy cooking for the guests and entertaining.
The next morning (their last here), as I was making breakfast h asked if there was time for him to take a walk. I said do whatever you like and meant it. I could care less. Seeing him with his MLC bestie forced me to see something I just can't unsee.
He decided to stay and then as I was 99% done with the meal, h went to grab forks and knives but announced it: "OKAY! Forks and knives." I just ignored it. It was so obvious that he was reading my being over this all. The guests seemed confused, too. Then, h really showed how lost he is. This being their last day (they were leaving in hours) h asked: how did you sleep? How is your bed?
Umm, that is a question you ask their first morning not their last. And if their bed was awful, what can you do about it as they are leaving? Awkward all around.
I do feel after processing it all for a few days, that I have felt things shift in me. I have struggled with how do I move forward when he is still "here?" Answers came when I saw him chum around with his loser bestie and by seeing how self absorbed he was when the guests were here.
He is so not the person I agreed to marry. I was thinking about how all our marriages die a different death. The live-in MLCer is a horrific, drawn out Alzheimer's death. I suppose the vanisher who disappears is probably like a freak catastrophic accident?
Anyway, it became clear that I need to put more distance between me and him. I have felt a shift within me. Things became clearer. It's like when you go for an eye exam and the doctor switches between all those lenses. Is A better or is B better? I can some clarity in my sitch. I just see how I carve out more of a life for me.
Last night I made cookies. The kids and I were up in my room hanging out. H called up saying his stomach hurt and jokingly asked if I put cyanide in the cookies. I gave a pat answer but found I could care less. He's already accused me of murdering him and I know it was not my cookies that caused his stomach ache. I am so careful with all his allergies, I don't even think about it anymore. It's just the way I live. I paid him no attention.
Today while I was at work, he texted me to say the kids had practice (which I know) and was I coming home to make dinner??? (I make dinner every night.) Just weird.
Tonight H was talking to the kids about something for a while. I wasn't paying too much attention. H asked my opinion; a first in a long time. I answered but found myself thinking about how do I get myself out of this mess with the least amount of ripple effect on my kids? It feels like some kind of tricky medical procedure.
Since family left I have seen him doing various acts that I know I should validate. He has been announcing that he is doing them! Like he'll go to do something for the dog and say (very loudly): "OKAY, come here dog so I can do x for you." And then he does it right in front of me like it's a TV show I am watching. But I just don't validate. I see the guy chumming with his MLC bestie and remember the replay and I am just over this nonsense.
I want to be living in the real world not on fantasy island.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho I don't know how you've done this for so long. My H comes over for a half hour after months of being AWOL and he is on my last nerve.
My kids are a little older. They both let me know that they didn't want my H in the house any longer and that gave me the power to make him go. I'm not going to lie, they have suffered. D is in her senior year and failed a class at midterm and got a D in English, in which she has always had As. Fortunately it wasn't a disaster because she is going to a conservatory and all they care about is her musicianship. She is going to the best one in the world, so it worked out OK for her. My S was a straight A kid who cried if he got less than a 97. Now he doesn't turn in work and gets a smattering of As, Bs, Cs, and even a D. I'm still hoping for a turn-around before 9th grade. I wish my H had done his disappearing act in the summer. I think it would have been easier. Instead he did it at beginning of October--worst possible time.
Kids are bouncing back. Ds grades are back to normal. She has 3 weeks left. All looks good for graduation. S is coming back more slowly but when she is away next year I'll sit on him for a while.
I guess I'm trying to say if you do decide to give him the heave ho, the kids will survive. Having one parent who loves them and supports them unconditionally helps. They know I have their back. We are the three musketeers.
