If life gives you lemon....do lemonade

[OwnIt]

My H has been pushing/threatening me to move near him. He did this first at bomb drop on OW1 and now is doing it again with OW2 (whom he has never acknowledged). I think he starts future faking a life with these women and then freaks out that we won't be there with him on the sidelines.

I have thought about the points you raise, but in my case it is not enough for me to chuck my life and upend my s (D will be away in NY). I wouldn't cross the street to be with the guy he is now.

[exquisitetobe]

Your theory make sense.. mine was living with OW2 when this subject came up..
Another time, he professed is love to me( phone call) while OW3 was in his bed...
Sideline for sure... unfortunstely, it was, without even having to think about it, 5 NO WAY!!!!
I apologise for bringing up " what if's"
I realised it after i posted.. they are not getting us anywhere..

[Lana_71]

Exquisite sorry but that was awful . He must be completely messed up to do that. That is why I said if I can confirm a ow now it will release me from any possibility I might think of. I can't go live at his place as he need to Sponser the kids. Also we talked about that a year ago and due to his finances kids residencies on him might be an issue and we might become liable. So that is not an option. We can only visit him.
I did that last year and paid fully for that. We had good time but he was broken. In Jan I offered to join us in a trip then I also offered to go and see him but he kept postponing. I recently learned he saw his family mom and siblings in April after more than a year since he last did. And maybe two since he saw his siblings. He feels like a failure and being with family members makes him feel ashamed too.

[JujuB]

hi JujuB
Thanks for joining in. Actually this is a strong possibility. he is high functioning at work and restless. Addiction to painkillers and maybe alcohol is a possibility although when I saw him I only saw around 2 cups of alcohol a day but painkillers he used to take a lot ( around 6 or more per day)due to his back and by end of day he is un able to move.
My friend says these numb feelings and makes him forgetful and cold. I don't think he takes any anti depressant as I don't think he think he has a problem other than his back.
The question would be we are in two different countries so I cant help in that. how do they wake up if ever?

Hi Lana

I am learning. I am learning that pain killers are insanely addictive and one of the most difficult drugs to withdraw from. I think I read that if you do sober up there is a 90% chance of relapse. I am learning that people can function on these drugs a long time without the obvious junkie signs. It gets to the point where they need them just to be normal. I am learning that addicts are masters of secrecy, deflection, gas lighting. If you go on some other forums regarding drugs, you will learn from addicts themselves that if their companion knows about 5 pills a day, there is probably a significant amount more being taken.

It also seems to be a given that they are the ones that have to want to recover and they usually have to hit rock bottom for that to happen. Nothing we can truly do to get them to stop.

But I do believe Intel is important. First off, I dont know how things work legally in your country, but pain killers are 100 dollar/per day addictions. My ex had over 50 grand a year of unexplained cash withdrawals and he has depleted a lot of his IRA.

Are you protected financially? Would remaining married to him make you a partner in any debt he might have?

I always thought my was a workaholic. He is a highly educated engineer. But with some financial discovery, I have found that he was not always at work, or leaving work at really weird hours to visit bad neighborhoods to withdraw 800 dollars in a few minutes. Really scary stuff that was kept a complete secret from me.

Intel is also important for your kids sake. Prior to finding out, I was pushing for him to see son more. Now I just want to figure out a way to keep son safe but also to allow him a relationship with his father. Not an easy balance.

Vanilla likes to say, "once you know, you cant unknow" There is a difference between addiction and mlc, although it seems to affect us LBS the same.

I kept questioning myself and put a lot of blame on myself for really minor things in a relationship (things that most normal people do not end a marriage over) knowing there was something beyond my control has changed my way of evaluating our relationship dynamics.

Were there any unusual habits that your husband had when you were together?

[Lana_71]

HI exquisite , thanks for the insight. I honestly have no idea. We have been in a long distance relation for a quite a while so his habits are a mystery to me. Which he seems to want to keep that way. The only way for me to know is to spy and hire someone which I don't think is a good idea. If he wants to share his life with us he is welcomed otherwise no need. Financially he lives in a different country I am not liable for anything he does. Well technically but if he is in trouble will I be able to get away. In my culture we stay completely financially separate. This has its ups and downs. Could he be addicted to painkillers maybe and maybe not. Could he be in a relation maybe maybe not. Could he be working his ass off maybe maybe not. No idea...I am wondering about the depression and withdrawal stage, how long should I expect that to be. Could he be in that .Would he ever wake up at least to talk and discuss like adults do. Is it silly to request proper closure rather than just completely letting go with no talk. I know it is me to decide. And I am not sure if life with him will be good I feel we need to talk and I know I don't want it forced. So for that most probably I need to wait until he is ready to talk. Does that sound lame? Weak? A question exquisite ... How did your relation changed after you knew that now?

[Lana_71]

Sorry my previous msg was for jujuB . My mistake exquisite.

Own it ...I love your confidence ... You are a very strong person.. And good hearted. It is weird to live in limbo land and be able to talk about it proudly . Thanks for the shot of confidence you spread arround.

[JujuB]

Hi lana,

Great question.

My relationship changed because I now know he wasnt capable of the things that someone with an undiseased brain was. His brain chemistry is altered. I stopped taking it personally. He's empty. There's no real soul anymore. He cannot empathize or rationalize with another person. His priority had been totally different all this time from a normal man with a family. He is not going to just change. And if he does, it will be because he hit rock bottom and didn't die and even then, his priority will have to be recovery. And this will take a long time as he still has resources. And a very small percentage of them do recover. Most have relapses.

Someone told me that addicts can demonstrate sentiment at times. But it's not real love.

I see this so much. He would get teary eyed and act emotional. But did nothing to demonstrate a man that actually empathized or cared.

While i recognize that i had flaws, i realized there was absolutely nothing I could have done different. He would have just used anything he could about me to cover up what he was doing. And that is helping me to change how horribly I looked at myself after he left.

I believed him because i thought, "why else would a father walk away from his family. I must be a horrible person and wife. He wouldn't even accept apologies or my willingness to work on our marriage"

I never understood how he could be so different from the walkaways here. There was no affair thrown in my face, no temperature taking, no jealousy, or strong attachment to son. He just wanted to be left alone. He wanted to pay me as little support as possible and that was it.

Knowing is important for me. My eyes are open. I need to keep my son protected. He sees his dad, and that's important for my son, but I need to somehow figure out how to recognize when ex is spiraling down more.

It's scary and I don't know what to do, except accept it when he can't see son. I'm not sure if I should push for court drug testing. I was initially told by lawyer that court wouldn't do that based on my evidence. But now I am realizing my lawyer is really, really bad. And not sure if I want to do that either. I think son is safe with him for now. But who knows.

Financially, I know his child support will eventually dwindle down as well. So I need to keep that in mind as well.

Knowing was crucial for me.

[peacetoday]

Juju

Thanks for posting--not sure if you have your own thread
Alanon is a great place for support

there are live meetings and many other woman facing similar situations

meetings are all over the world
It is a very good idea to keep an wide eye on the addicted MLC
My XH almost fell asleep at the wheel with my 2 kids
keep posting

[Gordie]

Juju,

I was raised by an addict and don't want to scare you but have to say you won't know if your son is safe because you aren't there. My dad would pick me up from school events out of his mind. It wasn't safe. I don't know where you live or the laws involved but would definitely get a new lawyer who can provide you with better info and fight for you and your son. In the mean time, can you talk to the school or other parents who can support you and keep an eye out? The biggest thing I learned from al anon was yo not be ashamed of my dad's addiction. It wasn't my fault. And when I could be open about it and it was no longer a secret, I got the support I needed.

[Lana_71]

Hello ... some update...
so I got the kids and they are having great time. Seeing their friends, shopping, outdoor activities and registered for a camp in July... so lots of fun . Unfortunately today is Father's Day and well although he does not have father day at his city he did not contact them for more than 3 weeks. Well for me 2 as he sent the authorization for travel.
I spoke to my mom and although they are so surprised with his passiveness she thinks time to request for divorce ... I just need to prepare the kids. And send him my request only and take it from there. I completely agree.. if I couldnot fux it for last 3 years then I guess I just need to rap and give up.
Well although I was planning not to contact but I decided why not ... I don't care what he thinks as I know where I am heading nothing to fix no more.. so I sent him a ms" today here us Father's Day ... I miss mine as I am sure you might miss yours... I wonder if my kids miss theirs" my kids know it is Canada day but they did not initiate contact with him and he rarely contact unless they do. Yesterday my elder was asking about where would she be studying her high school ... and whether we will be moving ever with him.. my uncertainly must have affected them .. time to fix that and make things clear I suppose.