If life gives you lemon....do lemonade

[Lana_71]

Latest update... today kids and H did the 3rd Skype call in a week .before that he didnot talk to them since September except for some sporadic shallow txt msg.

It really feels different when he is doing things I used earlier to guilty him to do it and although he might have but seems he could not keep it. When he saw I stopped pushing him to do anything seems it started to make him feel he has a choice ...I suppose . ( it took him more than a year to figure that his relationship with his kids is his responsibility not mine)

This make it easier for me to think my travel was good for my kids...

[OwnIt]

I'm so happy that this is happening for your kids. It is a good model for me to step way back and let him see what he can do on his own with them. We will see him again Saturday in NY for my daughter's recital. I will not help him again in finding time with her. It will be up to him to ask.

I hope your H remains checked in and begins to feel better about himself through that involvement.

[job]

Lana,

Would you please try to use a hard return between your paragraphs? Spacing between paragraphs makes it easier to read your postings. Thanks!

[Lana_71]

Hi
Today I have been edgy most of the day ... I just feel like I want to finish it... I know I will not gain anything with divorce but I just feel like I am such a fool. I really can't explain my situation to anyone.

I keep saying he is depressed , financially struggling, and physically not in the best shape. I know I saw all of this when I went he was on a cane and painkillers. He didnot have extra money to even pay for us hence I paid most of the time. And of course he was depressed... but what if he has s girlfriend what if he is just enjoying his life. I know he misses the kids at least now he is showing them.

His last msg two months ago said he wants to be a better father and husband then why do I get stupid silly msg only ... like how is it going. I am fed up I do done . I deserve more , I deserve to love and be loved ... he is incapable of doing any of this and he is stubborn . I know I am too emotional I wrote couple of emails to him telling him I am done u want D then I deleted them . Not because u am afraid just because I know I am too emotional .

What do you think how should I write that. In one I want is short or should I put reasons . I want more I want s relationship. I want my kids to see a healthy relation . If nothing will change I don't wNt him no more . We have not spoken on the phone since September .. just stupid msg . I hate SMS I hate emails .

[Lana_71]

Sorry I guess one of those days.

[OwnIt]

Lana, you have every right to have one of those days. You have been so kind and patient and understanding for so long. It would be unnatural for you not to feel used, abused and discarded. I'm not sure what is worse. I know for certain that my H has had multiple women in the time he has been gone (and at least two during the marriage). Perhaps always assuming and not knowing is worse. I will admit that in reading your story I have always assumed that he has been with other women. Either that or he has a seriously debilitating depression.

I have been emotional at times and felt like sending that email. My suggestion would be to type out what you want to say and then sit on it. If you send that message, do it when you feel strong and capable. Do it when you are least likely to regret it later on.

Or do something less drastic. Tell him, I really want you to call me. I have not heard your voice since September. If he blows you off, maybe it adds fuel to your fire, if he does call, maybe you could tell him that you want to figure out if you guys are going to turn in or turn away. Maybe you could agree to a weekly check in to discuss things for a while and see where that leads. You've been doing the same thing a long time. Maybe it is time to experiment and note.

But, don't do anything when you are feeling low. Just know that it is understandable and I'd be more worried about you if, given your circumstances, you never felt that way. Know that you are not alone and that there are people here who care about you and your girls.

[Lana_71]

Hi
Well today feels much better at least I am not centered in my head and emotional. Yesterday was really awful day I have no idea what triggered it.

Thanks ownit for your lovely words . Yes it is very weird not knowing whether he is really working to make it or having fun on the side. I know his back is still hurting but less than before as he said he has lost weight but he is still on some medication and need a surgery. My analysis is that he is extremely depressed guilty and ashamed. But then again I honestly don't know and i could just be the fool.
On one side it maybe better on the other what if I am the naive wife who is being fooled twice.
Job - Don't know if there is a difference of how we should treat an Mlc in depression and withdrawal Vs an mlc in replay.

Ownit/ Ok so I have not sent anything which I am happy not to in that state. I like some of your suggestions especially the call me. I'll use it once I feel I got centered again.

The issue is I know D will not get me the relief I think it will but yesterday it was the only thing I was able to think of . I wrote at least 5 email spelling out my feelings and wanting a different relation. Just the act of writing was maybe good anyway I didnot send any. I think the day I leave would be s short msg with no explanations .

Thanks again ownit for watching my back.

[Sotto]

Hi Lana, glad you are having a better day today. You have already been given some great advice. I just wanted to chime in and agree. Those days (and we all have them) where we spin, feel low, feel angry, antsy or whatever other strong emotion - are the days to do nothing I respect of our marital situations.

They are a great time to post here, lean on forum friends, vent, cry - and not a great time to be in touch with our WAS/MLCer. In my situations, there were some times I found it really hard to do nothing. But I have never regretted doing nothing, and I have come to find strength in that restraint.

Or if we feel the need to do something, it is good to do something for ourselves at that time...

Take care and it sounds like you are doing well, given all circumstances..

xx

[Lana_71]

Hello Sotto
Thank you for you words... I am happy I vented here that day. Not that he doesnot deserve it . But honestly speaking I think he is in a very dark place . I wish him well and I don't think in his place he can think of what I need or I feel. I realize that we can't loose our expectations if we care. Once we don't care then we completely have no expectations from our spouses.

Yesterday I met a Buddhist monk and he was talking about desires that now we desire one thing now and once we get it we desire another and so on. Human being can't be satisfied with what they have. What if What we think makes happy now would not. Then we will continue on this journey trying to fulfil unsatisfied desires.Apparently this monk was earlier married and got divorced according to him he could not keep up with pleasing one person with desires keeps changing..

It was interesting although I don't think that is true but I bet my H uses this as an excuse in his mind that satisfying me is difficult. Sometimes he used to say that me and the kids deserve better . Dah I know that.
Anyway seems after that day turmoil things got into place again ... nothing is situation changed only how I view things more objectively .

[Lana_71]

Hello ...
life has been great lately although I miss my kids but I know they are doing fine with my mom. Two weeks and I will be having them with me . On the other hand I am going mediation cycling , I joined some Meetup group for hiking and canoeing . Inaddiotion to having my night/dinners with friends.

I am feeling stronger and in a way life might be better solo without him . New possibilities I guess.

I have been doing well after my fiasco so I wrote an email and decided to sleep on it.. been editing it a bit but basically the theme is requesting for D . Maybe I will paste the email later so I decided to stir the pot a bit and get angry to send my final email.

I have not heard much from him lately ... but this time I am done . So I sent him an email with kids travel itnarary as I want his letter of approval for travel. Which I know he will send it. At the end of the email I wrote . "Note
I would still want to talk to you to discuss the future. I am still waiting for some plans from your end. I would appreciate to have clear specific dates . Let me know if you want to discuss anything and if you don't I guess I would have gotten my answer. "

Ok so no answer ,, I expected that , I honestly don't care what happens. I just want a closure I guess. So I sent a msg
"
Question - is this silence cry for help or a msg to xxx off . Don't bs me that you are busy . Maybe I will contact your mom or email your office to check"
"I would like you to call me my tomorrow Saturday Phone xxxx or skype Xxxx towards the night .. I have something to discuss. I would rather we talk about it rather that through emails."
I guess got scared that I call his mom or office not sure which one. But send me immediacy this msg
"Hi, no I will not BS you about being busy.... and yes let's have a call.... hope you are doing fine"

Ok so I am not sure if he will call but it has been a long time since we talked. Not sure where to start. Here are what I want
- I don't like this distant relationship and the silence
- I want to know what is his current situation work/bank/ health
- I want to know what kind of relationship does he has in mind and wether it is what I want or not. Any suggestion actually now that I am writing it I want to feel where in the spectrum of midlife cycle he is... is it still reply /denial /anger . My worry is that is depressed/suicidel if he is fine and just being stubborn then I can send my email with clear concious .

Does that make sense ?
Any suggestions ?