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Lana_71 Offline OP
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"God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
Link to my old post

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2739177&page=1


M 45 H 45
D1 12 D2 9
BD 04/14
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Lana_71 Offline OP
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Hello ownit and job... well he stopped I think ... don't see any msg on the group.. maybe he Skype them. And maybe not. I don't plan to ask or snoop ... don't want to draw their attention on wether he called or not. Let him deal with his relationship with them. Till now I don't see them hurt or even aware or complaining hence let it be.

I am doing great, still looking for an apartment but i think will confirm one tomorrow. It is so funny my friends are jealous that I get to travel and do what I feel like while they are stuck in their routine life. Nothing in my life is routine no more and somehow I love the free spirit. This ordeal taught me a lot . First not to take good life for granted and enjoy what you have. I stopped the running and lowered my financial commitment to feel more free rather than run in this mouse race. I know some people don't understand but I don't care at the moment I am having fun. ( maybe I will be going through mic... I hope not)


Last edited by job; 04/28/17 06:14 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs

M 45 H 45
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Lana, I'm so happy to hear that you are feeling good. Sadly I'm not surprised that he has already dropped out. Mine pulls the same stuff. Yes, let him own his relationship. I think we are in the same club. 25 told me at the beginning that I could live in a legal marriage and find happiness or get a divorce and find my happiness that way. I have a huge financial disincentive in filing for D and don't believe in it. Sounds like your financial position might not change either way. Seems like you have the same choices. A marriage in name only or a divorce that you initiate. I will say that your H speaks to you in a much more kind and loving way than mine does. I have initiated no R talk since December. If I did, I'm sure I'd hear how much he can't wait to be divorced from me. If the status quo works for you, don't give one moment's thought to what anyone else thinks.

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Lana_71 Offline OP
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Hello own it ... actually I am happy I don't have any expectations no more. I think it is really nice to stop expecting stuff and only doing what you think is right. At least I don't have to consult with anyone ...(looking at the very bright side) don't have to figure a good time to open a subject about anything I want...no need to compromise.

Ok here is the update. I feel I am watching a movie from far away .. so after two days of no contact with the kids he msg them asking how is it going and he missed them last 2 days. Funny enough the girls didnot answer the msg for two days the the younger one sent him a goodnight msg he replied saying he loves them.

As I said I am not interfering what so ever unless my kids are being hurt but they are doing ok.

Found one apartment for a month . Couldnot find something decent for three so inns month time will have to move. All is good at my side..... we will be fine ownit ... I know we will be...we might be even currently happier than lots of married couples...maybe we are spared the agony ...

Last edited by job; 04/28/17 06:15 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs

M 45 H 45
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BD 04/14
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Mine texted the kids after an 11 day absence (though to be fair he did see D on Saturday). Same generic I love you. They never text him back. He hasn't seen my son in well over a month now (and keep in mind he lives 50 min away and works 7 days on and 7 days off). At least your H has the excuse of distance and resources. Sorry you are having troubles with lodging. At least this way you have some time to look for something else.

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Lana_71 Offline OP
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Hello ownit...
I've been reading your stitch yesterday and you are right so many similarities expect mine will not spew but will completely ignore what he doesnot want. I always believed he is a very clever person and always ensure he is politically correct so that you can never say he called me this or that. He used to be a meter in pushing my buttons to retaliate and guess who will be the villain then ...me. So at least for the time being I have no one to push my buttons. In your stitch there are so many great words given which are worth to be reread . The key is to detach and create your environment. I know my H was a great person but now I do believe that Mlc can change any man and become the most vindictive person on earth , hence we can't depend on our past knowledge. But the key is to ensure not to give them the reasons to justify their action. So when we get mad, angry, or even careless they have a reason to justify why they are doing whatever. And they start fighting us on everything kids, home, money everything and this is so stressful for everyone. The key is to kill them with kindness. This attitude will not give them the ammunition they need. We are the sane ones in this relation( I think) so no need to increase bitterness.

I know you are hurt for your kids relation with their father. My opinion let it go... don't suggest or offer. Let them deal with it. I tried so hard and figured it will not work I guess he felt I was trying to control him. You can't protect them from him let them figure things out and you will be there when they need you.

Ok latest update he msg them today asking about their day, then telling them that he played golf tournament and won. I suppose this means his back is doing better if he can play golf.Anyway my kid said good job and wished him good night.hahaha

My elder daughter is not communicating that much with him but let it be they will figure it out.

Last edited by job; 04/28/17 01:34 PM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs

M 45 H 45
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BD 04/14
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Lana,

Yes, it has been the hardest part about it for me, but I think I am ready now to let it go. I won't invite him to see them again or suggest that he do anything with them. If he asks I'll just give him a day and time--nothing more. I'm mentally prepared for anything he is going to throw at me at this point.

He spewed a lot in the beginning because he would poke me and I would respond. Since early December I have not responded so it is mostly Mr. Ice Cold Fish. If I say anything he doesn't like he completely ignores it and me. Boy does he not like it when I do the same thing back.

Sounds like yours is still in the tunnel (mine is still bad replay so he won't be out for a long time, if ever). He wants them to celebrate something stupid like his golf win while he probably never asks them anything about their own lives.

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Lana_71 Offline OP
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Hello..
Yes still in the tunnel... actually I always knew he doesnot have emotional intelligence . Hence he doesnot know what to say to them or to me. In addition to his ego and his standards which are extremely high he has issues with connecting to anyone because he stays on the surface of things and can't get intimate. He is very practical person who hides his emotions and run away from uncomfortable situations.

I don't think that will change , he once told me he has his demons that he need to work on and prefer us to be away. He realizes that he is having the problems and that he has to figure out stuff so in that sense I don't see him blaming me no more.. the blaming was the first year and s half of bd but I don't see that anymore. Only when he addresses some of his fault he would say we both contributed to the situation.

Anyway when he decides to get out of the tunnel and talk like adults I am willing to discuss the situation if not he can stay in his tunnel and figure out his life. At the end he is an adult and should be able to know what he wants.. yes I was affected dearly by his actions but I will be responsible to teach him what he should do. I am sure he knows it just trying to fight it or justify not doing it. I know if I get angry scream and shout he will be the worst person to work with cause he will get stubborn and vindictive while now he is confused how to handle us.he always said he is patient I will show him who is patient.

Last edited by job; 04/29/17 06:01 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs

M 45 H 45
D1 12 D2 9
BD 04/14
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Not officially separated
Joined: Mar 2017
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Lana, mine is also very shallow, has no empathy, and cannot handle intimacy. During times he was supposedly off with his OW we would become emotionally intimate and then boom, he would go running back to her.

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Lana_71 Offline OP
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Hi own it
Give it time don't expect anything now ... enjoy the extra time given and do something you always wanted to do. It is better to negotiate when he is ready if D is not want you want don't push or even draw any legal papers. Keep stalling or let him do that . This time is for you with no husband responsibilities use it to the max . Go have fun learn new skip read books party with friends. Travel, connect with familybe happy with him or without him. But he gental and loving too.
Does that makes sense to you?


M 45 H 45
D1 12 D2 9
BD 04/14
Living two different state
Not officially separated
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