Maybe you need to figure out where you are, b/c there are elements to piecing that are not in reconciling.
And If I read your thread right, You are open to reconcile, but not there yet, correct?
How do YOU FEEL about his spending issues? If he were OM you just met, would this be a red flag and if so, how would you deal with it or would you just move on?
Also, you posted something on your thread that was written by Raine, I think. It's Food for thought.
I feel like I wasted so many years of my life during all of this, just worrying and hoping and thinking about how it's going to end. Don't do that. Step away from it and find the joy in your journey right now. Because this truly is a gift. You're really going to like the person that you become on the other side of all of this. That's who you are saving. When you wake up from this life transition, you're going to realize that what you really want, what makes you happy, is not the same thing you're hoping for right now. And that's a really good thing.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
OwnIt.....I never thought me being in his home as bringing the two worlds together. When he is at my new place, he is so relaxed and acts like it is his home too. Neither one of us has lived together in the places we currently live in. I just want us to be comfortable in whatever environment we are in.
25....you are correct when you say that I am open to reconciling with H, but I am still not there 100%. I feel like I still need to see some changes in his behavior before I can fully commit.
As far as his spending.....I am still concerned that he continues to feel that it is okay to spend money on things he doesn't need. Or that he thinks it is okay to go to the movies, or wash his car, or go out to eat and put it on his credit card. For me, these are all things that he could go without.
If this was a different man...not a man who I had been married to for 10 years, and I knew he couldn't afford to do certain things but he did it anyway, it would definitely make me think twice about continuing a relationship with him.
I love my H, and I really do want to see him make changes and to make better choices with his money. In our relationship before BD, I was the one who was putting money away for retirement, and paying for vacations, etc. If things progress with H and we do reconcile, I know that will continue to be the case and I am okay with that. What I am NOT okay with his him not being willing to make changes with decisions he makes to spend money on frivolous things. This is where I am struggling.
He is on vacation right now (paid for by his parents). He mentioned that he shouldn't really be going away because he needs to work because he has bills he needs to pay, but he didn't mention that to his parents. This man is 44 years old and still can not communicate with his parents or have an adult conversation. They have no clue how much debt he is in.
I continue to work on me, and work on my reactions to things, and I am trying not to let his decisions affect me, but they are.
Have been keeping my distance.....still reading along though. But I have had some things come up and would love to hear opinions.
A week ago H went out of town. I drove him to the airport, and on the way we had a conversation about his besties.....who has been an issue in our marriage for some time. But that is a different topic I will speak about later.
We got to the airport, H was very affectionate hugging me and kissing me good bye, saying "try not to miss me too much" and "I will call you while I am away"......things of that nature. The first few days he was making effort to at least text me every morning to tell me to have a good day. I spoke to him once and it was a good conversation. The issues started when he would text and say he was going to call at a specific time and wouldn't, or I will call you after dinner, or before I go to bed......and he wouldn't. One evening, he sent me a text saying he would call me before dinner. I did not hear from him, but then several hours later he called me. I could tell he had either been drinking or was extremely tired. I could tell he was falling asleep and was having a difficult time staying awake. He said "I have had such a busy day spending time with my family on the beach, and doing fun things with my nieces and I am so exhausted." I told him I was going to hang up the phone and let him go because it sounded like he was tired and didn't sound like he really wanted to speak to me. He said "I do want to speak to you" but by that time I was annoyed that he didn't call when he said he would, and that he made me feel that I was not important enough to call when he said he would, and not to mention he made sure to tell me how tired he was because he was having so much fun with his family on vacation. I hung up the phone
I sent him a text the next morning and told him that "his behavior the evening prior reinforced to me that I was not a priority in his life and that I wasn't sure if I ever would be." He texted me the following day saying he was sorry the phone call was frustrating for me, and he hoped I had a good day. I never heard from him anymore after that. Four days have gone by and I am supposed to pick him up from the airport. Today I received a text saying...."here are my flight details, I land at 4pm, let me know where I should meet you."
A part of me doesn't even want to go to the airport to pick him up. I feel like he continues to do things that I am not okay with. If he can't even call when he says he is going to, then why would I think he is going to do the hard things I know I will need him to do later. When he left for vacation I told him I was worried that him being with his family would come between us......and I feel it did. It takes 5 seconds to send a text saying I am tired I'm going to bed, or dinner lasted longer then expected.
And......I also found out a few days ago that if I want to buy a new house, H will have to be either on the mortgage or the deed because we are still married, and it is considered community property because it would be bought with money that was acquired during the marriage. I am so upset about that because I do not want that, I want to buy it all on my own. My H never made one mortgage payment on our other house.....I did, and I know he isn't capable of making any mortgage payments on the new one either. I also paid for any and all repairs or upgrades that were done to the old house. Now, I have to put his name on my new one..
This leaves me in a situation I did not want to be in.
We got to the airport, H was very affectionate hugging me and kissing me good bye, saying "try not to miss me too much" and "I will call you while I am away"......things of that nature. The first few days he was making effort to at least text me every morning to tell me to have a good day. I spoke to him once and it was a good conversation. The issues started when he would text and say he was going to call at a specific time and wouldn't, or I will call you after dinner, or before I go to bed......and he wouldn't. One evening, he sent me a text saying he would call me before dinner. I did not hear from him, but then several hours later he called me. I could tell he had either been drinking or was extremely tired. I could tell he was falling asleep and was having a difficult time staying awake. He said "I have had such a busy day spending time with my family on the beach, and doing fun things with my nieces and I am so exhausted." I told him I was going to hang up the phone and let him go because it sounded like he was tired and didn't sound like he really wanted to speak to me. He said "I do want to speak to you" but by that time I was annoyed that he didn't call when he said he would, and that he made me feel that I was not important enough to call when he said he would, and not to mention he made sure to tell me how tired he was because he was having so much fun with his family on vacation. I hung up the phone
Ok so the blue text ... as long as he was doing as you wished things went smooth. Once he did not do as you wished ... or as he said .. that's when you became upset.
Lets just look at this for a second. You are putting expectations on when he will do and when he will do them, when he does not perform then this upsets you and it almost seems like you have to punish him .. i.e. hanging up the phone.
We can not control what anyone thinks nor what they do ... all we can control is how we react to it. I am all about boundaries ... ^^^^ this up there is not a boundary, its control.
Originally Posted By: skm0619
A part of me doesn't even want to go to the airport to pick him up. I feel like he continues to do things that I am not okay with. If he can't even call when he says he is going to, then why would I think he is going to do the hard things I know I will need him to do later. When he left for vacation I told him I was worried that him being with his family would come between us......and I feel it did. It takes 5 seconds to send a text saying I am tired I'm going to bed, or dinner lasted longer then expected.
Look into this feeling further. Insecurities are a relationship killer and your posts do have several scattered around ... not surprising given the details of whats happened but its something you now must deal with and not try to force him to fix this for you. My case ... my wife had an affair .. destroyed me .. but she can not be the one to fix me even though she did the damage because she has no idea where the pain is nor how severe ... I have to fix my own vessel if I am going to avoid sinking down into the depths of the ocean.
Originally Posted By: skm0619
And......I also found out a few days ago that if I want to buy a new house, H will have to be either on the mortgage or the deed because we are still married, and it is considered community property because it would be bought with money that was acquired during the marriage. I am so upset about that because I do not want that, I want to buy it all on my own. My H never made one mortgage payment on our other house.....I did, and I know he isn't capable of making any mortgage payments on the new one either. I also paid for any and all repairs or upgrades that were done to the old house. Now, I have to put his name on my new one..
This leaves me in a situation I did not want to be in.
This is common, and something you will have to come to terms with or just hold off if you intend to D. Seems there is a scorecard forming here about all his short comings .. be careful keeping score as its a very destructive practice for any marriage let alone one with the issues we see here.
Skm .. you have to reach a place of peace. You have all these expectations of what he should and shouldn't do .. alluding to what he will be required to do later like you have his homework all laid out for the next several years. Thats not really how things work, nor how a marriage should be is it?
Set your boundaries, for you ... not for punishment. If what he is doing upsets you then calmly tell him. I need you to communicate with me, and if he does not do this then you go about your day and do your thing. You are in a serious push-pull cycle that needs to be broken preferably by you.
Caliguy is spot on, but wouldn't the first part of any reconnection process be to have expectations of some sort. If not, what are you reconnecting.
I feel your pain on the deed thing. I am living it at the moment. Mine won't sign the separation contract or file for divorce so I can't even count the money he gives me. Mine is a new business and I'm self-employed. Mortgage killer right there. Waiting to hear back from the one bank I think will work with me. H is going to get a piece of mind quite soon. Thankfully he works and his income is about 4x mine at this point. He is either going to sign that bloody contract or get the financing for me. If he does neither, I'm done playing nice and I file. Waiting is fine until it starts having consequences for you.
skm...they are both correct. What has helped me is to get to the point of zero expectations. My W is gone, pushing the D thru, with no signs of remorse, but for my own sanity I have to keep all of our interactions to NO expectations.
I know it is easy to say, but let go and let God guide you. Ask for peace daily and see if that helps. All it takes is faith the size of a mustard seed.
I know you want your M to take a turn for the better...trust me I know, but you can only do you. He says he wants to work on things, so have patience and see if he gets to where he needs to be...both for him and for your M. It will take time for sure.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
I'm sure it does seem like I have expectations from him, but in my defense I did not ask him to tell me he was going to call me or do a certain thing at a certain time, he did. At what point do I just stop taking what he says as truth and just think "he doesn't mean it when he says that"
This is not about me getting everything that I want, and when I don't, I get upset....this is about him having the integrity he speaks about, and him telling me very frequently that he wants to make changes in his behavior. I feel like he is saying one thing and doing another.
I feel like it is 2 steps forward and 10 steps back.
I didn't hang up on him. I did tell him goodnight before we hung up the phone.
I told him I would pick him up from the airport, so that is what I will do.
As far as the house is concerned......me wanting to purchase a house on my own, is not a score card. I work very hard and have paid for everything in relation to our previous house, etc. I asked my H to move back into that house a while ago with me, knowing I would continue to pay for it, and he did not want to do that......so WE sold it. I want to make a clean start with a new home, in my name. This does not mean he can not live in it with me, or cant call it his home too. He has even gone to look at houses with me, and I have taken into consideration things he has pointed out about certain things in the ones we have viewed. It simply means that financially it is my responsibility only. And, given the fact that H is in debt and his credit is not good, I don't want them to even consider him on the mortgage for interest rate purposes, etc.
I know I have things I still need to work on, and I am doing that daily.
Oh SKM, I feel your frustration and disappointment, I really do. I can imagine if we get to this stage there is the expectation of the relationship following along similar lines to when we first started dating. All the excitement and the endless phone calls. But I don't think it will ever be like that again because you already know each other.
I don't know, this all sounds very stressful!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
I only say this because its all a long journey. What I think people fail to realize is it did not all start when BD happened ... in fact it all started most likely a year or three before that timeline, so just following timelines and the way things flow with MLC re connection and piecing also do not suddenly happen. Its gradual and in my case a touch and go or 2-3 in between before we really get to that point they are not only willing but able to give the LBS what but actually be able. They have not been capable of having a full relationship with anyone for some time so as we the LBS have to learn how to drop expectations and heal .. they also must learn how to have a healthy relationship with the fog no longer clouding anything.
As brutal as it all is ... you lead the way in this. You have to guide it ... push when needed and pull back and allow him to stack his own boxes when needed.
Seems he wants to do the right thing .. so he tells you he will do this and that .. but when the time comes he may very well just not be able to perform to that level just yet. Patience will be key for you.
