Sotto....I totally agree about focusing on my side of the street. I am watching him live his life, make his decisions and continue to watch him spend money he doesn't have. Now...the reason it does affect me is because if we do end up together at some point, how is him having all of that debt going to affect our situation?
For me, this is not about letting him go and live his life, this is about protecting me financially.
Blu (my sister from another mister)........
OMG.......you have totally hit the nail on the head for me....thank you
It is about not seeing change from him. I feel that I need to see something different from him. He knows the money/spending has been an issues, and obviously still is an issues. So why can't I expect to see some changes, and especially since we both know how it affected us in the past?
It doesn't mean that I am not still working on me, or am not thankful for the changes he has made, and the work he continues to do. I have not discounted that at all.
Thank you all again for all of the words of wisdom.
Personally I think it is too early for you to go for a targeted hit on his spending or anything else really.
I think you can talk to him in general about what hurdles you see to reuniting and what obstacles you might have together, as well as the boundaries that you have set.
For example, H thank you so much for your thoughtfulness in greeting me with breakfast and taking the car in. Those sorts of things show me how much you care and that you want to make me happy. I think we both know we have some obstacles in terms of trying to come back together. Some of them are obvious, such as third parties and communication, others are more logistical, including things like our financial goals.
I think laying these things out there for more generally and making him a partner in solving them would be more beneficial for you both. Otherwise I think you risk coming across as a harpie or a nag, neither of which would be good if the ultimate goal is to come back together.
I don't think MLC can be stopped suddenly, so what happens to the MLCer that suddenly turns back to the spouse without finishing their journey or while finishing it
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Cali, I thought the same thing, but simply laughed inside and decided not to post anything. It's nice to see even thru strife we all manage to keep our strange sense of humor.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
skm...just checking in. I hope and pray all is well with you. Have a great week.
One day at a time...
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Not too much going on here. Just working and living life.
H and I spent last weekend together, and we had a really nice time. We spoke about how things are going with the two of us. We did have a few times where things could have gotten out of hand, but we both have learned that how we used to react to each other isn't going to work if we want to continue to move forward. I guess we are becoming grown ups
I still have issues with whenever I am at his house, he becomes someone different. The only way I can describe it is he becomes more closed off, or he retreats back into his hole. He doesn't invite me in, or if I end up inside he doesn't ask me to sit down. He doesn't make me feel welcome in his house.
One night after work, I went to his house because one of the dogs was hurt and we thought we were going to have to take her to the vet. I checked her out and we decided that we would just watch her and determine the next day if she was still not acting right we would take her. But, while at his house, he was distant, wasn't really talking much and acted like he was ready for me to leave. I got up, said I was leaving, he walked me to the car and tried to kiss me good bye.....I turned my face away from him. I told him everything I said above about not feeling welcome, and he of course shut down, but did say he could see why I felt that way. He said he didn't know why he does that, and he is "still working on things and being better about opening up." I was upset when I left and I could tell he was upset that I was upset. I just feel like he should be trying harder with this "working on things" stuff.
The next morning he was in the hospital parking lot waiting for me when I arrived at work. He had bought me a snack to eat. He then proceeded to apologize to me for the night before, and said he didn't want us to have any more conversations like that and he wants us to continue to move forward. He gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. He even called me by a nickname he used to call me before BD. He even acknowledged that he hadn't called me that in a while.
I sometimes feel that I have to get upset, or tell him I don't want to see him for a few days, or tell him that how things are going are not working for me, etc, and then he freaks out and shows up at my work with a snack.
He left today to go on vacation with his family for 10 days. So we wont see each other for a while. He did say that he was going to try and have some serious conversations with his parents/brother about how they don't show emotion, or express how they feel to each other, and how he was raised as affected him in his adult life.
I think this will be a good thing with him being gone. I need some time for me to decide if what he has been doing is what I need from him in order to continue to move forward. Sometimes I question whether it is. I don't know if I am seeing the changes in his behavior that I need to continue doing this. He still is secretive, and is not always forth coming with things, and tells half truths.
Be careful about falling into destructive communication patterns and resuming pursuer/distancer.
For a couple of years as my H was wallowing and falling deeper into his MLC I could go at him and eventually get a reaction. It was only in those moments that I saw the old him emerge. Eventually even that brief glimpse went away. I always felt terrible afterward.
I think yours is doing this in reverse. My H will not let my daughter see his house even when they are driving near his town. She has even asked to see it twice and he ignores it. Maybe he doesn't like seeing you physically in that space because it brings the two worlds together for him and makes him own more what he has done, where in other places he is back to the older and better times.
