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SKM

I think while the MLCers share similarities they are also different
Many MLCers would not be concerned about spending time close to anniversary with LBS
not to mention the OW would have a fit

MY XH never asked me to dinner-never said many of the things you're h is saying

Seems like he is thinking about things
I guess he does not have an oW either
b/c he seems preoccupied with calling you and wondering where u are and if you will pick up

You may want to step it up a notch to being just a bit less available to see what he will do


married 14 years
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D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Good luck finding a lovely place!

He might be starting to realize that if he doesn't treat you with care you will be gone. Taking you out for dinner and telling you why is really a big step forward toward a more positive relationship, for once that dinner was not centered on him but you.

You are on the right path, you mastered the art of detaching. The more we pull away the more they want to engage.


Me 52+ WH 57+
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skm0619 Offline OP
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Just a bit of journaling.....not much going on. A very non eventful day for me today, which is just fine as I had a pretty long. emotional day at work yesterday frown

SBJ....I know in the beginning of me coming to these boards I was wondering what everyone was saying, GAL, 180, NC, etc. I thought "this can not apply to me." Well, I guess I was wrong. I really don't do that much GAL activities as my job sometimes just makes me want to have peace and quiet. But, I do go out every once in a while. I find that I am so much more at peace with being home by myself, and don't find that I am as sad or emotional as I used to be when I think about my sitch. I am just going to keep a healthy distance between H and myself and see what happens.

OwnIt.....I do find that I am a happier person these days. Not sure if it is me finally doing what I have been told to do for all of this time (I am a bit hard headed) or is it the anti depressants wink. I went back and read through several of your posts. I always think to myself that I have no idea how I could have done this if I had children to think about. There were times I could barely get myself dressed in the morning. I am always so in awe of those of you who are going through this with children.

Peacetoday.....I am not 100% sure, but am pretty darn sure, that ever since BD there has not been OW. Now, again I can not say for certain, but we do have some of the same friends and none of them have mentioned anything like that to me. And, H was adamant that I knew there was no OW any longer after BD.

He definitely has started to initiate communication, which is very new for him. I make sure that I don't answer him back as quickly as I used to, and I think before I speak smile

He is also really opening up about his thoughts about his life growing up, how his parents raised him and how that has really had an impact on the person he has become today. He really is a very sweet, caring and sensitive man. I think now he is seeing that it is okay to show those emotions, where before he thought it showed weakness. He even made a comment the other night about not having a good role model as a man growing up. That was something I NEVER expected to hear from him.

Skyhigh.....I never thought about it until I read what you posted about H taking me out for dinner and telling me why, and how it is really a big step forward toward a more positive relationship between us, and how the dinner was not centered on him, but on me. That made me think that he really is trying.

I am not getting my hopes up because he still is elusive at times and still does things that make me question his motives. I still see him trying to hold on to some control. I asked him the other day if he liked his freedom, and he was honest and answered that he does. He also said that he has put the distance between us because he needed to figure out what he wanted. That makes me think he could continue on like this for a very long time. I did tell him that I would not do that, and that I am not some weak high school girl, who has no confidence in themselves, and is going to be willing to wait around for him.

Hopefully I didn't overstep by telling him that. But, I am the kind of person that "means what I say, says what I mean."

Hope everyone is well smile

One day at a time......

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Hey SKM, great update from you. You sound so positive these days and I for one can't wait to have that feeling. Still feeling like a negative Nancy over here!

I'm so glad your H is starting to intitiate contact the with you. It's strange because although I know so many LBS's have S's that don't contact them it sometimes feels like I'm the only one experiencing it! I don't know how to describe it but I guess it's hard to understand that this is par for the course even though they are different people living in different parts of the world! I just wonder if the all get together like we do and discuss what the are going to do ensure they don't give us any hope!!

With your question about whether he likes his freedom I feel it was a bit of a loaded question. I think you were hoping he was going to say no and then that would have been validation that he made a mistake. I don't think he is ready to admit if he wasn't enjoying it but IMHO I think he can enjoy living on his own but still miss you and want to move closer to you. Anyway you don't want the reason for him wanting back in because he didn't enjoy living on his own.

Also I think the word 'freedom' makes it sound like living with you was like a prison sentence which I am sure it was not! I'm not sure I would have been brave enough to ask that question in the first place!!

I think all theses baby steps are positive SKM. Just keep doing what you are doing because it seems to be working...

(((SKM)))


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

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Coly.....for a long time I had absolutely no contact with H. He made darn sure that he did not answer me if I called, nor did he respond to any texts. He has definitely gotten much better about it, but sometimes I still feel like he is still trying to control some of that by waiting to call back or respond just because he can smirk

I love what you said about all of them getting together to discuss what they are going to do to ensure they don't give us any hope......that made me laugh smile

I re-read what you wrote about asking H about his freedom, and I really appreciate what you said. When I asked him if he liked it or not, I definitely was asking to see if he would respond and say he preferred living with me, and when I didn't hear wanted I to hear it reinforced that I still have some work to do. I know he made a mistake, and so does he, because he has told me numerous times what a huge mistake he made. He has apologized to me several times, but I guess I have not totally accepted it because I ask questions like that smirk

I know he likes living on his own because he gets to do what he wants, and come and go as he pleases, and doesn't have to explain certain things. He is still not forthcoming about things he does. I need more from him in order to start to accept his apology and start to trust him again.

I borrowed his truck on Sunday to move some things out, and he of course got my vehicle. When I went to pick it up, he had some friends over, and politely asked me in, but then quickly took me to the garage to get his truck. When I was leaving he hugged me and kissed me. I told him I don't know what I am supposed to do around him....he said "do whatever you want."

Today reinforced that I still don't trust him. I have an in car security feature that tells me where my car is at all times. It came with the car when I bought it. I looked to see where my car (H) was, and when I saw that it had been at a Starbucks for over 2 hours my mind started racing. I did something that I am not proud of. I drove to where my vehicle was and sat in the parking lot and waited for him to come out. After about 15 minutes H and a female came out of the coffee shop. They hugged and spoke briefly, then went on their way. This was upsetting for me to see.....but I am not surprised. This is what I mean by still being deceptive and untrustworthy. I doubt he will tell me he spent 2 hours with a female at a coffee shop.

We had a conversation the other night and I asked did he find it interesting that he has so many female friends, and not many male friends? He gets quite a few texts throughout the day from these females. He said, "would you still think it was interesting if I hadn't cheated on you?" My answer was "yes I would." I asked him if he would like it if I had cheated on him, and then proceeded to have mostly male friends. He didn't answer. But, he did say that maybe the reason he spends time with so many females is because it has something to do with his mother, and how he was raised growing up.....like he didn't get something he needed from her, and is now trying to find it.

I don't see this type of behavior changing from him, and that is something I strongly need to consider before I continue on this with him. I feel like this is just one of the reasons he likes living alone so that he can see whoever he wants, and have as many female friends as he wants.

He called not long after he got home from that time at Starbucks, but I didn't answer because I didn't know if I would have been able to not mention it. I have not called him back.

I am supposed to see him tonight to exchange vehicles, and I really hope that I can keep my mouth shut about what I saw today.

LORD HELP ME frown crazy

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I agree with you that behavior of being in touch with so many female friends is troublesome specially in regard of what happened. I told my WH that having close female friends was not an option anymore, because usually that's how things start. Also, I am very suspicious of those women who are "open" for that kind of friendship, knowing a man is not " fully free" or "still married"; it's just looking for inappropriate attention leading to trouble.

I would recommend that you not to mention anything, he might think in his twisted MLC mind that you exchanged vehicle for the purpose of spying on him.

I have a hard time buying his theory about why he is so "close of women", for me it's just another way for him to try excusing his behavior and to "force" you accepting it. Another manipulation...

Be very careful, it seems that his boundaries are according to his standards not yours, a relationship should be balanced and respectful. Be very cautious!

Keep the great job you are doing at staying detached (so tough... specially when you start to have hope and boom... something happens).


Me 52+ WH 57+
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Skyhigh......wise words as always.

I failed to mention that when H called (after meeting at Starbucks for 2 hours) he said he would be finished with work around 7pm, that he would call me after, and then we could exchange vehicles. Well....7 pm came and went, then 8pm, then 9pm and then 10pm and no phone call. It was a little after 10pm that he called me. I did not answer. He left a message and said he was "on his way over because he had not heard from me and he was worried." What ever that meant.

I made sure I was not there when he got there, I was out walking the dogs. He literally drove around the neighborhood looking for us. He approached me as me and the dogs were walking. He said "did you get my message" and I said "yes, I did." I told him I wanted to finish my walk, and he could meet me at the house. I was so shocked because I NEVER thought he would just show up like he did. I guess pulling back and not pursuing does work wink crazy

I got to the house, we went in.....
H: "sorry for disturbing you on your walk"
Me: "you didn't disturb me at all"
H: "how are you doing"
Me: I looked him in the eye and said "do you honestly care how I am doing"
H: "I wouldn't be here if I didn't."

H: "I have called you twice today and you didn't answer, and I never heard back from you"
Me: "I got your messages"
H: "is this what it's like to be ignored, because if so, I don't like how it feels"
Me: "I'm not ignoring you, you said you would call me when you were finished working and you didn't, so I just went on about my evening"

There was more small talk. I asked him how his day was and then ......
Me: what did you do today?
H: not much, just worked out and then went straight home
Me: you didn't do anything else today
H: I did go to get a battery but then went home and your car stayed in the garage all day until now
Me: I looked at him and said "you are lying"
H: no I'm not
Me: are you trying to tell me that you went straight home from working out, and you didn't stop at Starbucks?
H: Oh yeah, I did meet a "friend" at Starbucks....I forgot
Me: not sure how you 'forget' that you spent 2 f'ing hours at Starbucks, with a female friend and 'forgot'
H: I was just about to tell you where I was, but you didn't give me the chance to tell you that I was at Starbucks
M: WTF!!!

I tried to remain calm and I was proud of myself because I never raised my voice. Of course I got the "she is just a friend speech.

I told him that I am really struggling with all of his female friends and I am not sure if that is something I am going to be able to handle moving forward. No response of course

Anyway, a lot more was said, but I wont bore you with the details.

He did say that he really wants me to trust him. I told him "you might not feel like you are lying to me, but for me you are still deceptive, elusive and not transparent and for me that is an issue."

Anywho.....he went home, hugged me and kissed me before he left. He is always the one who initiates the affection.

I am continuing to focus on me, staying detached, trying not to let his "SH!T" bother me.

I liked this comment "it seems that his boundaries are according to his standards not yours, a relationship should be balanced and respectful" ...... I need to remember that smile

I am exhausted with all of this CRAP!!!

Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can play these games with him frown

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Well done for standing your ground SKM and telling him that he needs to be transparent. Hopefully he will start to see that this is what you need from him to build your trust.

My H a lot of female friends too and before I met him he hung around wth a group of girls two of which were in a relationship with each other and are now married. One if the girls he used to fancy and went on holiday with her as just friends as she did not reciprocate his feelings (obviously because she bated for the other side!). However she used to play on the fact that she knew he fancied her and there was a bit of unrequited love there so she flirted with him at every given chance in front of me! I hated her!!!

It will be interesting to see what our H does now..


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

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Skm

Tough call-
I think we have. a right to know where we are
MLC or not-we can Choose to play along or stand our ground

I played along for the first part of mine and It did not work out

I may have missed this in your posts but Im curious-

Is you H telling you anything about what he wants from this new R with you?
Why is he chasing you down at this point?


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(((HUGS)))

MLC is an exhausting journey... expectations are crushed so often.

Take a break away from him if you feel you need that it is wearing you down. Protect yourself mentally. It's impossible to make a decision while you are immersed in the whirlwind. Step back, breath, call a friend to talk, it helps clarifying the mind. Make a mental plan that fits you right now and since nothing is set in stone in life, reassess it later. It's totally ok to change your mind multiple times, because decision are based on circumstances too.

It seems that he stepped up his game to "charm" you, to have you under his "power again" by being nice since you decided to sell your house. He wants you back around him but without having to make too many changes to his lifestyle. What can he can gain to keep you around? What can he loose if you decide to file for divorce? Tough questions, but he seems to keep going with his omissions and lies so...

You stated your position/feeling about his relationship with other females, and you had no answer, then he asked for your trust... really! If that's just plain manipulation.

Sometimes myself I wonder: Is it worth it to plan/hope for a life with someone who betrayed me that much, who lied to my face so many times? Yes, he changed but is it for real or is it just for a few months/ a few years just to have me around his finger again and then start again? Even if I have those thoughts, I decided to enjoy my life (stay detached), not to trust him blindly anymore, keep my eyes open, stay firm on my boundaries and if later on I have a decision to make, then I will.

Life is what we make of it, so our choices have to have our best interest in mind. At first, I made the choice not to file mostly for the kids after he said he was going to change, because I couldn't stand looking at him, I didn't want to mess up with their lives, then I decided to keep going because the changes he made were having a positive impact on our relationship, my level of happiness, and the kids also. But if he crosses a line, it's over, it's so difficult to rebuild, it takes so much energy, I am done wasting my time.

Once trust has been broken and we detached, we, LBS, become also "different" from before their MLC. We cannot be smitten anymore with their words, we are now based our judgment on their actions instead, that new attitude of us is "tough" for the MLCers to handle, because they used lies and deception to keep us hooked to them and it's not working anymore.

MLC is messing up with our life, our mind, and our ability to project ourselves with confidence to the future, it's such a hug roadblock.


Me 52+ WH 57+
Married 20 +
Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
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