I'm very happy that you returned to give us an update. Reconnecting/piecing takes a long time and yes, it is a completely new marriage and both of you are so different after this life changing experience.
How are the children? How are you doing? I'm glad to read that your h is in therapy and I do hope he finds inner peace and comes to realize that what he was looking for was right there in front of him, i.e., his home, you and the children.
Take care and please don't be a stranger. We miss you!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Raine......thank you so much for posting. I read through your sitch and you really are a strong person for all that you went through. You always seemed to have a good sense of what you wanted for yourself. It is always helpful to hear from previous posters who have been through the same thing.
Hopefully those of us who are here now can learn from your sitch.
job! It's so great to see that you're here, being you're wonderful amazing self. Thank you for always being there for me.
The kids are amazing. Just complete rockstars. They're doing great at school, happy, positive kids who everyone just talks about how great they are. I had them in therapy when H moved out last summer, and the therapist thought they were handling everything really well. I feel like H and I really tried to make things as smooth as possible for them. We talked about things, we didn't blame each other, we allowed them to express their feelings about it. We talked openly about depression and what that means. Yes they wanted their dad at home, yes they were angry, but I think it was good that they could express that to both H and I. I think I really just never mention them here, because I feel like they're so outside of all of this. They just adore their dad and all of them have such a special relationship with him. And likewise, I feel like I have a really great relationship with each one of them. I feel like going through all of this has made both H and I better parents and honestly, there are many ways it has completely changed the way that we are raising our kids and what things we are putting value into.
I'm in a really good place. There is a lot going on. But I'm okay with letting things go. I don't have to do everything. I can say no. I can say later. My priorities are H and the kids and nothing else matters.
What's very different about now, versus H starting to wake up in 2014, is I feel like he was doing things and talking about things, because I needed to. He wanted to be there for me, but he didn't want to talk about things. There was so much I needed to work through, but he was in no place to be able to work through it. He felt guilt and shame. He just wanted to bury it.
Now we are in a place we can talk about anything very openly, analytically. No emotions to it, just matter of fact. He can talk about things in the past and accept them, but also he is reconciling it. He will say things that he knows he needs to work on, things he needs to work through. He is very aware of those things, but he also doesn't want to rush through them. He wants to make things right in himself, but he doesn't place a timeline on that. He talks about the crisis and his depression, like recently saying to someone that he wrote everyone out of his life for the past five years, except for his work. He is very aware of his actions and consequences. But he doesn't carry all this guilt and shame about it. Just like I can talk about the things that I did wrong as a wife in the past, but I don't feel a connection to that person. It's not who I am anymore. It's a reminder of who I don't want to be.
Maybe what's different is I see where I was at fault in our relationship more clearly than I put blame on him for where he was at fault. I'm more focused on the things I do and say. I know we have a long way to go, but I don't feel this anxiety to get anywhere like I did before, like I need to resolve this and this and this before I can be at peace and let it all go. I feel at peace now, without having full resolution or any expectations of where things are heading. I was so locked into timelines, calculating how much time he had left in this stage or that stage, what the statistics were, what chance did our marriage have or reconciliation. And now I don't even think about those things anymore. I just feel so disconnected from that.
OwnIt, skwm, mirage, thank you so much for your comments. I'm glad it helped. I love that quote by Jung! So perfect!
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
So good to see you post back here after all this time. I had followed you a bit long ago and am very happy to see/hear where you are now .. sounds like such a tranquil place we all strive to arrive at regardless of the outcome.
I have merged your two threads together because they both had less than 100 postings between them.
Last edited by job; 04/25/1701:19 PM. Reason: Merged threads
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hello Raine I never write to you but did follow your story from time to time. When I asked for success stories I was referred to you and started reading the stitch since 2013. Then one day see your signature changed saying he left again and honestly speaking I was deeply affected and felt what if what I am looking for is a mirage and can happen again.
I guess there are no guarantees . So I started making myself to feel better with what I have now and my mind shifted to my blessings rather than my misfortune. And I have been doing good except for some odd days I feel I deserve better and I know I do but this is my choice at least for the time being.
I loved your notes and they resonate well with me. Our happiness is in our journey maybe he will come maybe he will not I will take the write action in its time and some how I will know when. I worked on my computer trying issues thinking I can control him and circumstance and some how surrendered to what is . I know I should be able to deal with any situation once it arises. Your latest posting was really inspiring to me. Thank you for restoring the faith of a happy ending no matter what the ending is. I wish you all the best .
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
