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OK, so I had last heard from my wife last Saturday night a week ago when she returned my text from the day earlier. I didn't feel the need to respond to it. Then she text me out of the blue this Friday night around 2:00 Am her time. The text goes like this.

Wife - Hi

Me - Hi Natalie, what are you up too?

Wife - Not much. Trying to sleep but it's too hot.
Wife - It's Late.
Wife - Nia (Her friend) is here and she's going to wake me up
early..... shocked

Me - Why is she going to wake you up early?

Wife - She wake up early. She went to bed around 10.

Me - Probably be up around 6 or 7 then.

Wife - Yep.... And she's going to wake me up. lol

Me - Well that sinks. Sleep is important.

Wife - Yeah.... I have heartburn too.
Wife - cry
Wife - How was your day?

I was leaving my parents house so I text her to drive home.

Me - Driving

Wife - K

Me - (about 30 min later) You're probably sleeping, night.

Wife- (next morning) I fell asleep


I didn't respond to that because I felt no need. Then I get a text from her yesterday while I was in the movie with my family and this is what I get.

Wife - I'm sorry to do it this way but I will be sending the divorce
papers to you this week. All I ask is that you sign. I'm not asking for anything more. I'm hoping we can do this peacefully. I wish you no ill will, I feel this is the best.

Me- I'm in a movie right now, but I'll call you as soon as I'm out. We need to talk. We have a lot to talk about.

Wife - I see

Me - I only want to talk truthfully to you. I't important.

So I call her and talk to her about things for about 50 min or so, I didn't want to keep it too long. We talk about the same issue's of California not being a good fit for her. I wasn't home working and living our lives separately because of my travel schedule. It was really hard on her trying to find a job. I shut her out and didn't communicate things good enough for her. She doesn't get to see her friends and family enough. She tells me that her family does love me and that she loved my family. She tells me that I wasn't there for her enough.

She tells me that she doesn't need me to apologize to her. I told that I was still in the process of writing her a letter. She fires back with it being two weeks since I said that. I had to explain to her that one of my family members, someone who was also close to her, was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and I have been occupied with that. Oddly enough she didn't really seem to care about that information, but she prodded me for why I hadn't finished the letter yet. I can still sense a lot of anger in her when she got going talking about things, but it's always a silly little game to get her to start talking.

I basically told her in a nut shell that in the time away I have had a lot of reflection on things and how they went, but mostly on myself. I am changing, not for her or to be someone different, but to better myself. I validated everything she she said and didn't argue it at all. I told her I know I didn't do things the right way. At the time I felt they were right and couldn't see what I was really doing to her. I said what I do know is that you don't give up on the people you love. You commit to them and you work things out, you make them better and work on it together. Things like this is what makes a marriage stronger. She agrees with me on this that trials and tribulations do make a marriage stronger.

At this point she still tells me she doesn't want to be in California because it wasn't a good fit for her. She asked me if I was willing to except the fact that she may never be happy if she moved back. I told her that I want her to be happy, but these are the things we work on together. That we make seeing her family a priority for our vacations. We also would make that decision together if we need to ultimately move to Virginia. I asked her what if I moved to Virginia? She answers with, you can do what ever you want, but you wouldn't be happy here because you told me that you hate the East Coast. I responded with I wish I would have never told you that (I know, but this was using her own line against her for things she told me). Then she says I can't ask you to do that and I can't ask you to leave you're family, especially at a time like this. In the back of my head I was thinking I knew it wasn't the real issue and it's just something she is trying to wedge between us.

She also mentioned that I could have been calling her and talking to her anytime I wanted, but I didn't. I'm not sure if that, according to what I supposed to be doing with DBing, would have been the best thing for me to do or not.

I finally finished the conversation with saying again that you don't give up on the people that we love and that you work things out. She mentioned that money was already spend on the divorce papers..... Geez! That to me is such a silly thing to say. I said so what a marriage is more important then that and we should be working on things. She said she wasn't sure what to say and just doesn't know..... I said I'll let you get back to your friend because it's getting late and I'll talk to you later.

I still want to write the letter, but I think it's going to take a different turn for me now. I definitely feel better that she wants nothing and has already signed the papers. Makes me feel like I can be a little more free about what I say to her in the letter.

Anyway what do you all think about the new turn of events?

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you know what I think

her first paragraph says 90% of what you cannot get past

We talk about the same issue's of California not being a good fit for her. I wasn't home working and living our lives separately because of my travel schedule. It was really hard on her trying to find a job. I shut her out and didn't communicate things good enough for her. She doesn't get to see her friends and family enough. She tells me that her family does love me and that she loved my family. She tells me that I wasn't there for her enough.


She has depressive episodes you have touched on repeatedly. And you want to take her away from the support system she thinks is better for her. You can argue all you want about how you don't agree about what makes her happy...

you can tell her you have changed, and show better communication,

but when you still insist on removing her from what SHE FEELS IS IMPORTANT, you are telling her that

either her needs are Not as valuable as yours

and or

you know whats best.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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may I assume you chose not to go see her in person when you had the chance?

If so, why?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 417
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Cali08 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
may I assume you chose not to go see her in person when you had the chance?

If so, why?


I want her to want to see me, rather than me forcing myself on her so to speak, but yes I didn't go see her the last time I was about 6 hours away from her. I am heading back there on the tenth and can probably sneak away to see her for a few hours. Do you think that would be wise? I would rather just fly there and spend time with her then have to rush there and back because I only have so much time before I fly out.

I also understand what you think about me taking her away from her family, but when I talked about moving there she almost tries to talk to talk me out of it. And that is another reason why I think being around family and friends is bullshit. Besides that fact that she has claimed many times to not only me but others that her family life has never been that good and she really hardly knows most of her family.

I'm still going to fight the divorce. I think in the state of California I want to say it's a 6 month process before the divorce is final, but not to sure. I still feel and hear a bit of a possibility for working things out with her. What would your advice based on your experience be for this?

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What is the point of fighting the divorce if you are not going to take the corrective actions necessary to fix the marriage. You are a maddening guy. This woman tells you over and over what she needs. Everyone here tells you to listen to that and you still make excuse after excuse. She probably tries to put you off because she doesn't believe you'll do it or you will do it with resentment, which would be even worse.

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Cali08 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: OwnIt
What is the point of fighting the divorce if you are not going to take the corrective actions necessary to fix the marriage. You are a maddening guy. This woman tells you over and over what she needs. Everyone here tells you to listen to that and you still make excuse after excuse. She probably tries to put you off because she doesn't believe you'll do it or you will do it with resentment, which would be even worse.


I really don't get that feeling from it at all. I am going to still propose that I move there and I will feel her out. I told her that I would be happy where I choose to be happy. You can say I'm not doing anything to fix it and that is fine, but you really don't see the changes I have made. I don't think laying waste to everything I have fought and sacrificed myself for in California is a smart decision either and that is also according to her. The thing my wife has always been is very practical, which may be hard for you to understand because you don't know her. I said that we can make those decisions together where we choose to live.

What makes you think that I am FIGHTING the divorce? I'm fighting for our marriage, which is a different out look completely. I still believe in us and as I have said before I will put forth the effort to make it work the best I can. After I do all I can and she still chooses the same path then it tells me a whole lot about her and who I thought she was. In other words, I think she will be doing me a favor. If I really examine who has the most to lose in everything and who has put the effort into the marriage and who has really still been there through better or worse then it really be to my benefit. I will never beg or plead for someone to be with me and I only want someone who is going to be true. She is showing some different colors and it doesn't paint her in the best of light. I am still on the fence with it all and what she ultimately chooses in the end will give me the answer and tell if what I think or I am feeling is true.

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"I'm still going to fight the divorce."

This is what made me say you were fighting the divorce. Your choice of words.

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Cali08 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: OwnIt
"I'm still going to fight the divorce."

This is what made me say you were fighting the divorce. Your choice of words.


Haha! Good point, but not what I mean by that. To be clear I'm fighting for the marriage.

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but you are still saying the same thing.

Lets just say you two have an irreconcilable difference, because you do.

She FEELS she cannot be well in California, and you think you'll lose a lot of money by renting the house out, or selling it at a loss.


She thinks she can't be happy there, not b/c it's California, but b/c of the distance between CA and her support system. You think you have put a lot of energy into that house.

She has a predisposition to depression and being away from her support family, no matter how imperfect that family is. But family and her friends, are who SHE FEELS SHE NEEDS to be well, and at one time probably you there too.

You keep trying to argue her out of her feelings and saying, in effect, that you KNOW better than she feels. IT's very self serving b/c what you "know is better" happens to be what you want, and you missed a lot of her conditions when she was living with you. You had to, you were gone a lot.


In the phone conversations you have had, she says her needs were not met and you left her alone a lot. It's a theme for her, one which you have admitted.

So here, you ask if we think you ought to try and see her, and your response is you wanted her to invite you?

She's been rejected enough in that arena. Why not Show up and be with your wife b/c that's the right thing to do and to show that she matters to you.

but please do not follow this immediately with a demand for her to return. Then the :Showing up" is just a tactical maneuver. Try to job hunt for yourself and try to rent out that CA house or sell it soon (market is improving there)

But make the r to her and HER happiness & health, THE priority. Ahead of all else.

Make sense?

Otherwise, go your separate ways. You return back to your great job & take care of that very important house, let your wife heal herself, in the company of & surrounded by people who love her,

and wish each other well.

I mean, ^^this is the option you seem headed towards, though I know you'd prefer if she caves in...but I'm wondering what the most loving choice is now. I know what the most loving choice was a few months ago...

Good luck


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 417
C
Cali08 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
but you are still saying the same thing.

Lets just say you two have an irreconcilable difference, because you do.

She FEELS she cannot be well in California, and you think you'll lose a lot of money by renting the house out, or selling it at a loss.


She thinks she can't be happy there, not b/c it's California, but b/c of the distance between CA and her support system. You think you have put a lot of energy into that house.

She has a predisposition to depression and being away from her support family, no matter how imperfect that family is. But family and her friends, are who SHE FEELS SHE NEEDS to be well, and at one time probably you there too.

You keep trying to argue her out of her feelings and saying, in effect, that you KNOW better than she feels. IT's very self serving b/c what you "know is better" happens to be what you want, and you missed a lot of her conditions when she was living with you. You had to, you were gone a lot.

I honestly don't feel like I'm trying to argue her out of anything. Our conversations have been more about understanding the each other, at least for me. I am making all the effort in wanting to make our marriage work. What is the real issue of wanting her at least be open to it, especially when I have discussed with her about moving. I have been completely honest with her and when I talk to her of the things I have learn and things that I should have talked to her about openly she says things like I wish you would have told me that then. She makes it seem that things would have been totally different if I had been more transparent with her and what I was thinking. Also having more communication while I was gone would have made it much better for her in California. It just gives an odd feeling of the whole situation.


In the phone conversations you have had, she says her needs were not met and you left her alone a lot. It's a theme for her, one which you have admitted.

I agree and I haven't disagreed with this at all and I ave discussed with her my true understanding of this and how I know I should have been and want to be.


So here, you ask if we think you ought to try and see her, and your response is you wanted her to invite you?

She's been rejected enough in that arena. Why not Show up and be with your wife b/c that's the right thing to do and to show that she matters to you.


but please do not follow this immediately with a demand for her to return. Then the :Showing up" is just a tactical maneuver. Try to job hunt for yourself and try to rent out that CA house or sell it soon (market is improving there)

I certainly wouldn't want to demand anything from her. I only want my wife to continue the marriage because she genuinely wants too. I only say I would rather her invite me because how it went down the last time I visited her. She makes it sound like she will have things going on and can't just stop things for me. I will only have a hours at the most to go see her. I am thinking that I would rather fly to see her so I can have genuine time with her. Then that begs the question of rather I show up and try to stay at her parents house or get a hotel instead. What do you think the better option is for me. I feel taking the time to fly there for at least 3 or 4 days to have more quality time with her is best.

But make the r to her and HER happiness & health, THE priority. Ahead of all else.

Make sense?

Absolutely this makes sense. I have talked to her about her family, health and her in general being the priority.

Otherwise, go your separate ways. You return back to your great job & take care of that very important house, let your wife heal herself, in the company of & surrounded by people who love her,

and wish each other well.

I mean, ^^this is the option you seem headed towards, though I know you'd prefer if she caves in...but I'm wondering what the most loving choice is now. I know what the most loving choice was a few months ago...

Good luck

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