Wife moved to parents on opposite coast #2

[Cali08]

OK all this is the final of my first draft of a letter I wrote to my wife. I could use all of the help I can get on it. I am hoping it will help bring understanding and hope for our relationship. I want to make sure that there isn't anything in the letter that might be viewed in the wrong way. I would love to hear from anyone who would care to comment on it. Any WAW wives would be especially great to hear your opinion on it. I can still whittle it down a bit, but I did a ton of that already and this is what is left for now. As it is it's just over a full page in a word document. Do you think I should hand write it and mail to her for a more personal touch?

Wife (I will use her actually name here),

I know we have been apart for a while now, but distance had been growing between us for even longer. It’s been enough time for me to take a step back, reflect and realize the mistakes I’ve made with you and with myself.

I let time go by before writing to you because I felt your need for space and to re-find yourself.

Through this letter I’m not only striving for your forgiveness, but I need to tell you something different from what I told you during our latest discussions. I have trouble expressing myself on the phone with you; this is why this letter is so important to me.

I was unable to see and come to terms with your unhappiness and the fact that our relationship was going downhill. I’ve come to realize that I didn’t know how to listen to you and understand your feelings and that, despite our love for one another; it was hard for me to communicate with you and discuss our paths. I could neither understand your fears nor see the solutions you proposed for our relationship.

This breakup, I accept it because I have to, but mostly because it symbolizes your discomfort. I didn’t know how to act quickly enough, and I was not able to get over my fear of losing you. In all, I did things backwards.

Instead of acting, I closed up. I isolated myself thinking that doing nothing and letting time go by would be the best solution, or at least a good one. But while time was slipping away, I became more and more focused on my fear of not being able to fulfill your needs, my fear of not bringing you what you needed, my fear of not providing you the life you deserve and simply the fear of losing you.

You’re such an intelligent and beautiful woman. I was unable to absolve your doubts and bring you the support you needed so dearly. I was unable to help you to be yourself in our relationship.

Sadly, I understood this all far too late. Worst of all, I thought it was your fault.

I know that some of my actions and words may have hurt you, and I am truly sorry for that, but I think that you know me well enough to know that it wasn’t my intention. During those times I acted this way because I was not able to control my emotions and to think about the consequences of my actions.

I ever forgot the basic element of love: Being happy and helping your partner be happy.

Yet, every night I lie in bed asking myself how we got here. After all the moments we’ve shared and the connection we have, we find ourselves apart and hardly communicating.

You know (HER NAME), I never choose to be attracted to you, but you attracted me. You are a loving, fearless woman with an enormous amount of courage and worth. This is a fact, a reality that I understand when I think back on when we first met or on any point in our relationship. It’s heartbreaking that all this went down due to our words and our actions.

I wanted to tell you that, thanks to you, I was given the unique opportunity to experience a wonderful relationship filled with connection, excitement and serenity. All this reminds me that we share the same ideas and morals. It reminds me that you can accept the fact that relationships can go through hard times.

I have matured in the past couple months and I have realized many things about myself thanks to this time apart. Our separating and the unsettling situation following it triggered within me an understanding that I never had until now, and I am completely confident in my ability to continually act on it.

Today, I know that I am capable of changing, not only because I have learned from my mistakes, but because I now know how to amend them with actions, actions you deserve from me. You are still a very important person in my life. The time you afforded me for personal reflection was positive. In all, this was a great lesson which has shown me that I should NEVER be like this again and always act positively in the future.

I would like to see you again and to show you the new man that I am, or the former – the one who initially seduced you!

With all my affection,

Cali

[MoveFrwd]

Wife (I will use her actually name here),

I know we have been apart for a while now, but distance had been growing between us for even longer. It’s been enough time for me to take a step back, reflect and realize the mistakes I’ve made with you and with myself.

I let time go by before writing to you because I felt your need for space and to re-find yourself. So are you suggesting now that she doesnt need that space or is finished 'finding' herself?

Through this letter I’m not only striving for your forgiveness, but I need to tell you something different from what I told you during our latest discussions. I would focus on you here.
I dont think you should ask for forgiveness, because putting some expectation on to her. It's putting the onus on her to do or say something in response to this. My understanding is that your goal is to apologize or explain yourself - focus on that. I have trouble expressing myself on the phone with you; this is why this letter is so important to me. Im confused - the letter is important to you because you have trouble talking on the phone...? I thought it was important to you because you wanted to express your feelings/thoughts?

I was unable to see and come to terms with your unhappiness and the fact that our relationship was going downhill. I’ve come to realize that I didn’t know how to listen to you and understand your feelings how does writing this letter show that you understand that she wanted space? and that, despite our love for one another; it was hard for me to communicate with you and discuss our paths. I could neither understand your fears nor see the solutions you proposed for our relationship. I think this is very vague. Its a lot of words, but it doesnt really have much meaning, at least to me? What does 'discuss our paths' mean? Like 25 said, I think you want to specifically address issues vs. write in generalities.

This breakup, I accept it because I have to, but mostly because it symbolizes your discomfort. I didn’t know how to act quickly enough, and I was not able to get over my fear of losing you. In all, I did things backwards. These dont seem like complete thoughts. Again, what do you mean specifically?

Instead of acting, I closed up. I isolated myself thinking that doing nothing and letting time go by would be the best solution, or at least a good one. But while time was slipping away, I became more and more focused on my fear of not being able to fulfill your needs, my fear of not bringing you what you needed, my fear of not providing you the life you deserve and simply the fear of losing you.

You’re such an intelligent and beautiful woman. I was unable to absolve your doubts and bring you the support you needed so dearly. I was unable to help you to be yourself in our relationship. Again, I thnk I would put in something specifically.
It sounds like this is you writing this acknowledging that you are losing her and hoping for a hail mary.

Sadly, I understood this all far too late. Worst of all, I thought it was your fault.

I know that some of my actions and words may have hurt you, and I am truly sorry for that, but I think that you know me well enough to know that it wasn’t my intention. Be careful here -
around here, it's said that anything 'before the but' doesnt count.
Like you are not really apologizing but rather justifying.
During those times I acted this way because I was not able to control my emotions and to think about the consequences of my actions.

I ever forgot the basic element of love: Being happy and helping your partner be happy.

Yet, every night I lie in bed asking myself how we got here. After all the moments we’ve shared and the connection we have, we find ourselves apart and hardly communicating.

You know (HER NAME), I never choose to be attracted to you, but you attracted me. You are a loving, fearless woman with an enormous amount of courage and worth. This is a fact, a reality that I understand when I think back on when we first met or on any point in our relationship. It’s heartbreaking that all this went down due to our words and our actions. Focus again on you - I wouldnt bring up anything blaming her in this letter.

I wanted to tell you that, thanks to you, I was given the unique opportunity to experience a wonderful relationship filled with connection, excitement and serenity. All this reminds me that we share the same ideas and morals. It reminds me that you can accept the fact that relationships can go through hard times.

I have matured in the past couple months and I have realized many things about myself thanks to this time apart. Our separating and the unsettling situation following it triggered within me an understanding that I never had until now, and I am completely confident in my ability to continually act on it.

Today, I know that I am capable of changing, not only because I have learned from my mistakes, but because I now know how to amend them with actions, actions you deserve from me. You are still a very important person in my life. The time you afforded me for personal reflection was positive. In all, this was a great lesson which has shown me that I should NEVER be like this again and always act positively in the future.

I would like to see you again and to show you the new man that I am, or the former – the one who initially seduced you!

With all my affection,

Cali

Cali -
I understand your sentiments here and I can certainly feel your love echoing through your words. I know that there arent positive comments up ^^. I say these things, because I am worried that you wont get the response you are hoping for with this. In my opinion,
this letter is full of expectations; a plea from a man begging for a chance to make things right. My concern is that you arent really addressing anything as to how it will be different. You give adjectives and descriptions through your words, but what actions will you take? How will things actually be different?

Im wishing you luck, but I hope that you really consider your aim in sending this letter. In reading it, I found it a little scattered -
What is your goal in sending it? What are your expectations?

[Cali08]

Wife (I will use her actually name here),

I know we have been apart for a while now, but distance had been growing between us for even longer. It’s been enough time for me to take a step back, reflect and realize the mistakes I’ve made with you and with myself.

I let time go by before writing to you because I felt your need for space and to re-find yourself. So are you suggesting now that she doesnt need that space or is finished 'finding' herself? I'm not sure how I am suggesting anything other than giving her time and space before I decided to write her. That is what I was thinking when writing it anyway.

Through this letter I’m not only striving for your forgiveness, but I need to tell you something different from what I told you during our latest discussions. I would focus on you here.
I dont think you should ask for forgiveness, because putting some expectation on to her. It's putting the onus on her to do or say something in response to this. My understanding is that your goal is to apologize or explain yourself - focus on that. I can rethink this part and see what I can come up with. I have trouble expressing myself on the phone with you; this is why this letter is so important to me. Im confused - the letter is important to you because you have trouble talking on the phone...? I thought it was important to you because you wanted to express your feelings/thoughts?Really that have should have been the word had, because we only had one conversation that obviously no one here was a part of, so I can understand some of your confusion on things. She knows that I told her I wanted to write her because when I was on the phone with her I told her I had so many thoughts going through my head that it was hard putting them in the right order and I wanted to be clear with her. I said writing would help make things clearer for both of us.

I was unable to see and come to terms with your unhappiness and the fact that our relationship was going downhill. I’ve come to realize that I didn’t know how to listen to you and understand your feelings how does writing this letter show that you understand that she wanted space? I'm not sure how you got that I understood she wanted space out of those two sentences?and that, despite our love for one another; it was hard for me to communicate with you and discuss our paths. I could neither understand your fears nor see the solutions you proposed for our relationship. I think this is very vague. Its a lot of words, but it doesnt really have much meaning, at least to me? What does 'discuss our paths' mean? Like 25 said, I think you want to specifically address issues vs. write in generalities.Again, you are not part of the situation, so I can see the confusion. What I mean is that I would assume my wife will understand what I mean by that. Basically discussing our future plans as a husband and wife, which she has mentioned to me before.


This breakup, I accept it because I have to, but mostly because it symbolizes your discomfort. I didn’t know how to act quickly enough, and I was not able to get over my fear of losing you. In all, I did things backwards. These dont seem like complete thoughts. Again, what do you mean specifically?Again I think she will understand this. What I mean is that I know I am only now understanding the things she was trying to get me to understand while still in the relationship. I am learning them now instead of then, so backwards.


Instead of acting, I closed up. I isolated myself thinking that doing nothing and letting time go by would be the best solution, or at least a good one. But while time was slipping away, I became more and more focused on my fear of not being able to fulfill your needs, my fear of not bringing you what you needed, my fear of not providing you the life you deserve and simply the fear of losing you.

You’re such an intelligent and beautiful woman. I was unable to absolve your doubts and bring you the support you needed so dearly. I was unable to help you to be yourself in our relationship. Again, I thnk I would put in something specifically.
It sounds like this is you writing this acknowledging that you are losing her and hoping for a hail mary.Not hoping for a hell mary in the least, but hoping to open up real discussion between us that leads to better understanding and solutions.


Sadly, I understood this all far too late. Worst of all, I thought it was your fault.

I know that some of my actions and words may have hurt you, and I am truly sorry for that, but I think that you know me well enough to know that it wasn’t my intention. Be careful here -
around here, it's said that anything 'before the but' doesnt count.
Like you are not really apologizing but rather justifying.
OK, I can re-think this too and see what I come up with, but I see your point.
During those times I acted this way because I was not able to control my emotions and to think about the consequences of my actions.

I ever forgot the basic element of love: Being happy and helping your partner be happy.

Yet, every night I lie in bed asking myself how we got here. After all the moments we’ve shared and the connection we have, we find ourselves apart and hardly communicating.

You know (HER NAME), I never choose to be attracted to you, but you attracted me. You are a loving, fearless woman with an enormous amount of courage and worth. This is a fact, a reality that I understand when I think back on when we first met or on any point in our relationship. It’s heartbreaking that all this went down due to our words and our actions. Focus again on you - I wouldnt bring up anything blaming her in this letter.A simple wording change should be suffice here, thanks.


I wanted to tell you that, thanks to you, I was given the unique opportunity to experience a wonderful relationship filled with connection, excitement and serenity. All this reminds me that we share the same ideas and morals. It reminds me that you can accept the fact that relationships can go through hard times.

I have matured in the past couple months and I have realized many things about myself thanks to this time apart. Our separating and the unsettling situation following it triggered within me an understanding that I never had until now, and I am completely confident in my ability to continually act on it.

Today, I know that I am capable of changing, not only because I have learned from my mistakes, but because I now know how to amend them with actions, actions you deserve from me. You are still a very important person in my life. The time you afforded me for personal reflection was positive. In all, this was a great lesson which has shown me that I should NEVER be like this again and always act positively in the future.

I would like to see you again and to show you the new man that I am, or the former – the one who initially seduced you!

With all my affection,

Cali

Cali -
I understand your sentiments here and I can certainly feel your love echoing through your words. I know that there arent positive comments up ^^. I say these things, because I am worried that you wont get the response you are hoping for with this. In my opinion,
this letter is full of expectations; a plea from a man begging for a chance to make things right. My concern is that you arent really addressing anything as to how it will be different. You give adjectives and descriptions through your words, but what actions will you take? How will things actually be different?

Im wishing you luck, but I hope that you really consider your aim in sending this letter. In reading it, I found it a little scattered -
What is your goal in sending it? What are your expectations?

I certainly didn't write this with a feeling of begging because I will simply never do that. I am trying to be more tender towards her and not so strong in my actions and win so to speak. She has mentioned that she always caves into me when we are in discussion and especially face to face. Here is my dilemma with writing a letter and the suggestions about how to do it. First of all this is a very watered down version of what I originally wrote and I basically just kept deleting things from the letter to make it much shorter, less wordy and to the point. With a lot less context I had to do my best to make it make sense. My goal is to open up real dialog between us that means something.

This letter is among the first that I want to send, but it's my opener. Like suggested I don't want to make it too long and lose her in the sauce so to speak. I did do a lot more of addressing real issue in the original letter, but it made it way to long. I figured maybe that multiple letters would be better, but I also figured a response from her to this first letter will better help guide me in my second letter. I hope that makes sense, but all in all you really didn't rip apart the letter to badly in my eyes. Thanks for your input. If you have any suggestion or things to add to it I would always appreciate hearing it.

[MoveFrwd]

I figured maybe that multiple letters would be better, but I also figured a response from her to this first letter will better help guide me in my second letter.

Im still a little confused. The goal of this is to open a dialogue? If so, I think you are still way too long by at least 50%. What kind of dialogue are you opening if you spill your heart onto the page like this? This seems like a lot of pressure on her if you are throwing all of this out at her with the expectation of her responding.

If your goal is to apologize, then I think you should put it in one note that you have no expectation for ever even receiving a reply; it is for you to apologize only. If so, then I think you need to reconsider a lot of the content, and again, youre probably too long by at least 50%.


I will say, one comment you made struck me. At the beginning of your note, you said this: "I let time go by before writing to you because I felt your need for space and to re-find yourself. "
So, now, are you suggesting she doesnt need that anymore? Or that you dont respect that need anymore? What is causing you to write this letter now when you already say that you know she wants space? I believe it's showing that your wants are more important than hers if she says she wants space and you are writing her to open a dialogue. Again, just my opinion.

[Cali08]

I figured maybe that multiple letters would be better, but I also figured a response from her to this first letter will better help guide me in my second letter.

Im still a little confused. The goal of this is to open a dialogue? If so, I think you are still way too long by at least 50%. What kind of dialogue are you opening if you spill your heart onto the page like this? This seems like a lot of pressure on her if you are throwing all of this out at her with the expectation of her responding.


If your goal is to apologize, then I think you should put it in one note that you have no expectation for ever even receiving a reply; it is for you to apologize only. If so, then I think you need to reconsider a lot of the content, and again, youre probably too long by at least 50%.


I will say, one comment you made struck me. At the beginning of your note, you said this: "I let time go by before writing to you because I felt your need for space and to re-find yourself. "
So, now, are you suggesting she doesnt need that anymore? Or that you dont respect that need anymore? What is causing you to write this letter now when you already say that you know she wants space? I believe it's showing that your wants are more important than hers if she says she wants space and you are writing her to open a dialogue. Again, just my opinion.

Well if you followed my story you would have seen that she initiated a relationship talk a few weeks ago. I'm not sure how writing this letter is a disrespect of her time and space, especially when I told her I was going to write her in the first place. So I am still confused at your view of this. I think she would like to have some closure in one way or another and this is at least moving in that direction by opening up some dialog. I also believe that she continues to talk to me because there are feelings still there between us. I would think that if she really wanted nothing to do with me then all communication would cut off, especially since there is nothing tying us together at all.

[Cali08]

My goal is to apologize, but also to start a talk to get somewhere. Again, that's all I have with her is talking. The real goal is to get face to face time with her so she can actually see changes that I have made and what I have learned from this experience. Do you think that isn't a good goal? In my opinion the best way to work on a relationship is together, not apart. At the moment I text her a picture late Monday night and then she responded late Saturday night and I haven't text her or heard from her since. I am thinking that I will break the silence when I get this letter to a place I want it to be.

I do want to really get into the things I have learned and explain myself to her in a letter, but like I said I want to not be to long and this is what I came up with. I am kind of using this to lead into that goal of expressing the things I learned. It's hard to do because explaining things to her isn't going to be a quick or short thing to do in a letter, in my opinion.

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Cali08]OK all this is the final of my first draft of a letter I wrote to my wife. I could use all of the help I can get on it. I am hoping it will help bring understanding and hope for our relationship. I want to make sure that there isn't anything in the letter that might be viewed in the wrong way.


you can word things carefully & with clarity, but you cannot control how the recipient receives it. That's how it is.

[Cali08]

[quote=Cali08]OK all this is the final of my first draft of a letter I wrote to my wife. I could use all of the help I can get on it. I am hoping it will help bring understanding and hope for our relationship. I want to make sure that there isn't anything in the letter that might be viewed in the wrong way.


you can word things carefully & with clarity, but you cannot control how the recipient receives it. That's how it is.

Very true, so what is stopping me from sending it the way it is. Since you were the one who mentioned for it not to be to long, what do you think of the length and content?

[25yearsmlc]

First, I think it's way too vague and too long. There are general sentiments without almost any specifics at all.

Second, HOW specifically would the marriage be different or better than before?

Third, don't say things like "IF it" or "MAY have hurt" you...

of course something you did or said or did not do or say, hurt her.

You know this. Just own that part. No more qualifications to it.

You said you want to apologize. Just do that. Validate her and apologize for your shortcomings. If you must, then disclose some specific insights you have.

My goal is to apologize, but also to start a talk to get somewhere. Again, that's all I have with her is talking. The real goal is to get face to face time with her so she can actually see changes that I have made and what I have learned from this experience.

did you go to see her? What do you think Her love language is? And yours?


Do you think that isn't a good goal? In my opinion the best way to work on a relationship is together, not apart.

Not always, not all the time, but I get your point.

At the moment I text her a picture late Monday night and then she responded late Saturday night and I haven't text her or heard from her since. I am thinking that I will break the silence when I get this letter to a place I want it to be.

I do want to really get into the things I have learned and explain myself to her in a letter, but like I said I want to not be to long and this is what I came up with.

what specifics have you learned? So much of this is vague "didn't help you be happy", "Didn't see your discomfort"...what does that mean?
You worked too much? You were gone too much?

Too tired or irritable or didn't show your desire for her enough or what??

Sorry. I just feel like it's really general and almost syrupy. Humility is fine if it's coupled with a plan for change and or, just an insightful apology.


I am kind of using this to lead into that goal of expressing the things I learned.


So, why not just list 2-3 specific behaviors you would change, based on what you have learned and regret?

It's hard to do because explaining things to her isn't going to be a quick or short thing to do in a letter, in my opinion.

well, that's obvious.

[25yearsmlc]

please post it again in a modified version

thanks