Another thing that has been going through my head is that I need to stop being available to her when ever she needs me. This all about detaching right? In my situation it seems she never needs me anyway and I feel that the less I am in contact with her the easier it is for her to push away and for me to leave her mind. A week ago she did contact me twice in a row all on her own with a few days in between. This would be my only opportunity to not be available to her in some way. Although, she seems just to be contacting me for the heck of it and maybe almost from out of boredom or like she is just being nice to me. I always text her back, but not to much or with any kind of haste. Would it be wise of me to ignore her text? She has ultimately never ignored mine at all, but rather just took a very long time to get back to me. I think she might take me ignoring her as not caring about her or our relationship if I did. Obviously not the message I want to make, so detaching and not always being available when she lives across the country is a hard one to put into play the rules of DBing. Any advice of how to deal with it would be greatly appreciated.
It could well be shame. If I suggest in any way that my children are hurting, in pain, etc. I get a rage. If I factually state something like "D failed her class" then all is good. If I say, "D is really hurting and as a result she isn't able to do her homework and is failing her class," then the rage is rapidly present and I am being told what a horrible mother I am and dangerous to my children.
Shame makes sense for sure. She tries so hard not to have any emotion to anything I say that relates her to me.
[quote=Cali08]So I can talk to my wife about anything as long as it doesn't relate her to San Diego. For instance I was talking to her last night about my buddy Darvey being over and his little boy Alex who is 5 years old and who loves my wife. As soon as I mention that Alex asked about her she completely ignores that anything was even said. She will answer anything else, but anything that links her to her past here she ignores. Why is that? What is the reasoning behind it? I'm not trying to mind read her or care to much about it, but I would like to understand why. well, that^^ is exactly trying to mind read. I assume she feels you are trying to manipulate her into missing SD or feeling guilt. Dig deep...why did you mention how a 5 y/o feels about her?
What was the goal in sharing that?
It helps me to understand things more when I get insight like this. What harm would it do for her to acknowledge that the little guy misses her. Dig deeper and ask yourself the questions, things like what your goal was..& why you are now examining her reactions and why you'd persist in bringing the kid up.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
It could well be shame. If I suggest in any way that my children are hurting, in pain, etc. I get a rage. If I factually state something like "D failed her class" then all is good. If I say, "D is really hurting and as a result she isn't able to do her homework and is failing her class," then the rage is rapidly present and I am being told what a horrible mother I am and dangerous to my children.
Shame makes sense for sure. She tries so hard not to have any emotion to anything I say that relates her to me.
Guilt is remorse about an action we do, regardless of what others might know.
Shame is worry about others finding out about that action. I don't think your wife feels shame. I think she's annoyed by your intransigence. Just a guess.
I think there is resentment but there can be more than one emotion felt at the same time.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
One other question I just now thought of it because I saw the draft of the video I was making on my hard drive. Anyway I made a video with our vacation footage of us in Hawaii a little while ago and she really liked it and asked me to make some more. I was in the process of putting together a video that really celebrated her as my wife and partner in life. Kind of dedicated to her more than our vacations and adventures to together. The video still needs a lot of work, but my question is if I should finish it and show it to her. My idea is showing her what she has lost and what she is giving up. The clips I have on it are of some of our favorite times together. I also have wedding footage in it. What do you guys think. I would just present it to her that I finished it if she cares to see it and that is it. I would have no expectation from it.
[quote=Cali08]So I can talk to my wife about anything as long as it doesn't relate her to San Diego. For instance I was talking to her last night about my buddy Darvey being over and his little boy Alex who is 5 years old and who loves my wife. As soon as I mention that Alex asked about her she completely ignores that anything was even said. She will answer anything else, but anything that links her to her past here she ignores. Why is that? What is the reasoning behind it? I'm not trying to mind read her or care to much about it, but I would like to understand why. well, that^^ is exactly trying to mind read. I assume she feels you are trying to manipulate her into missing SD or feeling guilt. Dig deep...why did you mention how a 5 y/o feels about her?
What was the goal in sharing that?
It helps me to understand things more when I get insight like this. What harm would it do for her to acknowledge that the little guy misses her. Dig deeper and ask yourself the questions, things like what your goal was..& why you are now examining her reactions and why you'd persist in bringing the kid up.
Im merely noticing how she is talking to me now, which is much more friendly and light hearted. I wasn't doing anything out of the normal. I always told her when Alex asked about her. She loves that little guy.... or at least used too. I simple said Alex was asking about you. This brings me to another point though. I asked her before about what to tell my little cousins and my niece and nephew and she said to basically keep them in the dark for now. Why keep them in the dark. I honestly think she should have to talk to them herself and let them know what she is doing. It's the cowards way out of it in my opinion. She runs off and doesn't have to deal with any responsibility of her actions.
Anyways I let her know when people ask about her it's only conversation and nothing that I wouldn't do before. What does she think is going to happen if she just acknowledges that the little guy asked about her. Give me a break, that seems so ridiculous in my opinion. He is 5 years old.....or am I just once again not thinking about this correctly?
It could well be shame. If I suggest in any way that my children are hurting, in pain, etc. I get a rage. If I factually state something like "D failed her class" then all is good. If I say, "D is really hurting and as a result she isn't able to do her homework and is failing her class," then the rage is rapidly present and I am being told what a horrible mother I am and dangerous to my children.
Shame makes sense for sure. She tries so hard not to have any emotion to anything I say that relates her to me.
Guilt is remorse about an action we do, regardless of what others might know.
Shame is worry about others finding out about that action. I don't think your wife feels shame. I think she's annoyed by your intransigence. Just a guess.
I think there is resentment but there can be more than one emotion felt at the same time.
What would I not be agreeing with in what she did as far as the reality of it goes? I certainly view the fact that she left and I don't deny that in the least.
My Wife left because she felt neglected, unloved, alone and misunderstood. I made the choice to withdraw and stopped making efforts to get her attention. She made the choice to leave because she thought our relationship came to a dead end. This is in very short how I see how things went down. I just wish she had the same kind of commitment I do to our marriage and the want to always work things out.
(ADDED ON TO WHAT I TYPED ABOVE) She tried to relay this to me, but as much as I was into the relationship I missed it and wasn’t able to change my behavior
Im working on the East Coast for a few days and I am most likely to have a couple off here soon. Do you think it would be wise of me to see if I could go visit her?
