Should I start sending my wife simple text just to keep in contact or be sending hardly any? I was thinking of just sending her a simple good morning and a good night kind of thing and maybe a hope your day went well. Im going to do it with no expectations out of it other then communicating with her more. I know I have said it many times, but it's something she complained about before was the lack of talking while I was on the road. Is this a bad idea? I'm not saying no contact is the route. My problem with this^^ approach is that it's not designed to generate conversation, or if it is, it's putting the burden on her to be interesting or upbeat or whatever. Just a thought.
By the way I was actually able to get a short of amount of time to read DR last night and I am in about 60 pages so far. I am hoping to do about the same tonight if I have the time.
its well worth reading
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I have been looking at my wifes tumblr page which I have never been on or even have my own page, but I have been reading all the quotes she has been posting and I am learning a lot about her sadness that she was going through. It has been eye opening for me in a sense. I was very open when reading the things she was posting and sharing and it breaks my heart to see a glimpse of how she must have felt. She is clearly a person who has been desperately trying to find herself. In all honesty I don't think she lost herself like she has claimed to me, but I don't think she has ever really known who she is. I am finding empathy for her through this and it's helping me understand things better. It's something I have never had to deal with and I think she saw and knew that and it probably made her feel worse about it.
I am looking at my wife as being more in a midlife crisis then anything else right now. It adds up better to me then anything else when trying to understand why she left. My wife is only 29 so it seems a bit weird calling it a midlife crisis, but it fits in my opinion.
It makes me more than anything to want to reach out to her. I have been reading the DR book and I read through Step number 2 and 3 which are know what you want and ask for what you want. As far as knowing what I want, other than our marriage to work, is wanting to understand my wife. I want her to talk to me and tell me about things so I can understand her better. I am also willing to open up to her the best way I can if she asks, but that isn't my goal really. I just want her to talk to me as a friend would and let me know of her struggles that she has been dealing with. So I am strongly thinking of writing her an email or hand written letter to ask her to talk to me a bit. I think writing her would be easier then trying to first talk to her about it since I actually think she would read it all the way through. My wifes loves to write and read both so I think this would appeal to her.
I have also thought about writing the forgiveness letter I talked about earlier. It will have nothing to do with me forgiving her, but me asking for forgiveness as to how blind I was to everything. I would post my letters up on here for you guys to proof read if you would and help me change things that might be damning. I don't expect anything from her other than for her to read it and just get an understanding of the realizations I have went through and what I have learned in her absence. What do you guys think? I will post up some the quotes she has posted too.
This ^^^ post has really moved me. Disclosure builds intimacy. It will need to go both ways at some point. Soon, I hope.
Let her in, and maybe she'll let you in.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
The post about her sadness hits home for me, it's similar to a lot of what I'm learning about myself and the relationship. I wrote that forgiveness letter you are talking about, it was good for me but in the end I decided not to send it to her. Once you can see the sadness she feels it can hit you hard, keep yourself realistic and don't take all the blame.
This led me to read "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown. Maybe you'd get something from it too when you are done with DR.
Together 7 years Married 3 Said she was taking long way home late January Left to get some space 2/19/17 BD 3/1/17 ILYB
I love Brene Brown, a recent gift I discovered. She has some TED talks about shame
and it has helped me to understand h. Cali...
-- while guilt makes us feel bad about our actions even if no one else knows
shame is worrying about others' finding out. Many MLCers and WAS's have shame issues which prompts their
Over the top charades or parades of "I'm SO HAPPY NOW!" claims. Like it is as always the LBSers keeping them from happiness.
It hurts, I admit.
Cali, your w may be dealing with depression (and whatever her episodes are) and the one thing she can "easily" change, is her partner.
Every one of us is flawed. So. Why not remove the flawed character from our lives and...and...
see, I think your w's confusion is a semi good sign. She's not posting on FB or tumblr about how great things are now that you are out of the picture. On the contrary, she's posting about pain.
I'm going to repeat something I really want to point out b/c you mentioned how you'd "try" to open up... Disclosure builds intimacy.
I think the guys she is posting to, well maybe She's reaching out to them b/c...
well, you tell us? More importantly, what can you do to help her open up to you?
maybe try opening up to her without any parental tone, or judgement or agenda.
Just tell her some things about yourself that are authentic, including fears and things Unrelated to the m.
Just an idea...and if you get to that EE workshop I think you'll learn a lot about this.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
The post about her sadness hits home for me, it's similar to a lot of what I'm learning about myself and the relationship. I wrote that forgiveness letter you are talking about, it was good for me but in the end I decided not to send it to her. Once you can see the sadness she feels it can hit you hard, keep yourself realistic and don't take all the blame.
This led me to read "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown. Maybe you'd get something from it too when you are done with DR.
Thank you for the recommendation on the book. I am pretty realistic about it and realize that she has to find happiness with herself before she will ever find it with me or anyone else for that matter. A very depressed person is hard to make happy no matter what and I am realizing that, yes, I didn't help matters, but I was far from what her real problems are in my opinion. I just hope that she can learn to love again like she has before and stop relying on me others to make her happy.
I love Brene Brown, a recent gift I discovered. She has some TED talks about shame
and it has helped me to understand h. Cali...
-- while guilt makes us feel bad about our actions even if no one else knows
shame is worrying about others' finding out. Many MLCers and WAS's have shame issues which prompts their
Over the top charades or parades of "I'm SO HAPPY NOW!" claims. Like it is as always the LBSers keeping them from happiness.
This makes a lot of sense and I can see this in a lot of her actions. She has always been a very moral person, but now she seems to have dropped some of her morals too. I also think it's a way of coping with things that she knows is wrong. When I went to visit her awhile back she acted like she was just so happy, but it was a facade. My mother is always sending me things about my wife, which honestly gets a little annoying, but she only means well. She can see what my wife posts on instagram, which I don't have. Like today my mom send me a pic she posted of her being at the beach and the told me about a video of her lip syncing a song while in a car. Makes my mother mad because she has a duty as a wife yet she is acting like everything is great and has no care in the world. Basically like she is a single woman. I take it as an act because if all of this was the truth and she is so happy without me then she would cut the relationship off in my opinion and ask for a divorce, yet she doesn't.
Cali, your w may be dealing with depression (and whatever her episodes are) and the one thing she can "easily" change, is her partner.
Isn't that the sad truth! Although I don't think it was all her own doing. I am quite sure she had help from people over there who convinced her this was the right move and who continue to distract her from dealing with it. When it's said and done she will miss me and all I did for her. The realization that the grass isn't greener on the other side will hit her hard one day and I won't be there for her when it does. At that point I wonder who she will blame and where she will run to. I pray for her every night that she will find happiness.
Every one of us is flawed. So. Why not remove the flawed character from our lives and...and...
see, I think your w's confusion is a semi good sign. She's not posting on FB or tumblr about how great things are now that you are out of the picture. On the contrary, she's posting about pain.
Well she was posting about pain before she left, but what she has been posting about as of 2 weeks ago is more on the line of being free and getting away from things that hurt her. Still depressing things though.
I'm going to repeat something I really want to point out b/c you mentioned how you'd "try" to open up... Disclosure builds intimacy.
I think the guys she is posting to, well maybe She's reaching out to them b/c...
well, you tell us? More importantly, what can you do to help her open up to you?
maybe try opening up to her without any parental tone, or judgement or agenda.
I plan on just writing to her about how I have realized things that I done wrong and show empathy for her. I will also apologize to her for my side of things, but it won't be in a parental tone or judgement at all. I will just be giving her some insight to how I feel about things now and that is it. I think I will feel better about giving to her. I kind of look at it as farewell in away. She has told me she doesn't want to live on the west coast or be away from family or friends anymore. She quit her job, which she struggle so hard to even get the decent one she dropped. She is spending a ton of time on the phone with other guys, which is exactly how new relationships are in the beginning. She cares very little for any of my family or friends she left behind and it shows because she never reaches out to them.
It breaks my heart that 6 years of my life was wasted on this woman and I shared so many things with her that were meant for the one person who I was to grow old with. She is throwing it all away and not even giving it the chance it deserves. In other words, the letter is like my final detaching phase from her. I will get to clear the air and tell her what's on my mind and then close this chapter and start a new one. I still will not be the one to ask for the divorce, I will leave that ball in her court, but after the letter I will be making all my decisions based on being single. I don't mean that in a bad way to where I'm suddenly going to go out and date and all, but for instance I have a chance to go to Germany for 3 months for work. I will be there all the way up to Christmas and I am not going to wait for her to make a decision, which I was holding back on going because of her. I just feel that I now should be fending for myself and not two people anymore.
Just tell her some things about yourself that are authentic, including fears and things Unrelated to the m.
Just an idea...and if you get to that EE workshop I think you'll learn a lot about this.
Real quick update, my wife just text me and wants to talk..... I am not sure what it means, but I have a strong feeling that it isn't good. I am calling her as soon as I'm done typing so I can get it over with. I will hope to keep level headed, which I am sure I will do, but there are things that I really want to say to her. I was hoping to send her my letter before she ever wanted to do this, so is kind of taking that one thing I wanted to do away from me I feel. I was really wanting to get my thoughts organized before we had this talk.
