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Originally Posted By: Cali08
Im just tired, tired of all of it. That is why I am talking of divorce myself.

Unfortunately, filing for divorce wont change that feeling. All it will do is change your relationship status. It wont make you love her or miss her any less. The only way forward is through. Tired or not, youre going to need to go on.

Originally Posted By: Cali08
Such a chess match that we are playing in a sense.
Yes. Its a chess match where she can change the rules whenever she wants and you are playing blindfolded. You cant win. Thats what Sandi's rules are really about. Learning how to stop playing the game.

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Originally Posted By: Cali08
Ok so she just texted me back at about 12pm her time. She said this. How should I respond??

Good evening. I hope you had a great day! You're probably at the gym working out. Have a good workout

I'm trying to learn how to respond the best way.



The way I would do it is mirror back but about at a 70% level.

Something like: "Thanks. I hope you had a good day as well."

But thats just me.

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Originally Posted By: Cali08
When they say to not believe a word your spouse says, what does that really mean? When should you start to believe what they say? For instance when I ask how my wife is doing she responds with "I'm doing OK or I'm doing OK I guess, does that mean she is really doing great? Or is it only the absolutes and the real negatives your spouse talks about?


I think it's more about things regarding the relationship. For example, things like "I never loved you", "She's just a friend", "You never do XXX", "I hate you", and so on and so on.

Lots of people that come here focus their actions on specific words or feelings that the WAS says. But thats like building your house on sand because the WAS' feelings shift so rapidly that you cant make any kind of consistent plan based on something they say. Also, add to that that sometimes they will say things to gaslight, to exaggerate, or flat out lie.

This means theres really no way to discern whats true and what isnt. If your W said she never had sex with any of the people she is talking to - would you believe her with 100% certainty? I wouldnt because theres no way right now for you to really know. It's a whole lot easier to accept that everything she says is untrustworthy right now.

As for whether she is "fine" or "great" or "terrible"....who knows!

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Should I start sending my wife simple text just to keep in contact or be sending hardly any? I was thinking of just sending her a simple good morning and a good night kind of thing and maybe a hope your day went well. Im going to do it with no expectations out of it other then communicating with her more. I know I have said it many times, but it's something she complained about before was the lack of talking while I was on the road. Is this a bad idea?

By the way I was actually able to get a short of amount of time to read DR last night and I am in about 60 pages so far. I am hoping to do about the same tonight if I have the time.

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Hello Cali
In DB we usually try to find what works. So you can try sending a msg daily or every other day . Make it different. But before you start sending don't expect an answer and don't send multiple if she doesnot respond. Keep it light entertaining. Ensure not to send too many in one go. This is something I did in the past and I regret.
Do not don't explain any situation .
Don't share how you feel, don't wait for reassurance,
don't ask her probing question. Keep it light , start that way and see. Give it two weeks and reasses if it worked or not. In the mean time detach and have a life to help you detach from the outcome.
That is my opinion . But know this is about her trying to feel good with herself .somehow she is lost and need to find some meaning to her life.
Ensure to take care of yourself ... this is a bumpy exhausting road. Enjoy the freedom time she has given you.


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Originally Posted By: Lana_71
Hello Cali
In DB we usually try to find what works. So you can try sending a msg daily or every other day . Make it different. But before you start sending don't expect an answer and don't send multiple if she doesnot respond. Keep it light entertaining. Ensure not to send too many in one go. This is something I did in the past and I regret.
Do not don't explain any situation .
Don't share how you feel, don't wait for reassurance,
don't ask her probing question. Keep it light , start that way and see. Give it two weeks and reasses if it worked or not. In the mean time detach and have a life to help you detach from the outcome.
That is my opinion . But know this is about her trying to feel good with herself .somehow she is lost and need to find some meaning to her life.
Ensure to take care of yourself ... this is a bumpy exhausting road. Enjoy the freedom time she has given you.


I already have been expecting nothing from her. It is odd how she will sometimes talk quite a bit to me, still about nothing, but she is definitely more chatty at times. She was even talking to my mother and brother the other day for a little bit of a conversation.

It's another weekend free for me in Alaska, so Im about to head out and do some exploring. I will probably send her some pics of what I find today and that is it. I might just wait until after the weekend to text her the pics, but Im thinking of not responding back to her or very little at all if she responds to the pics. I don't know this still feels like such a game to me, but I am about 120 pages into the DR book now and hopefully Ill find a nice quite spot where I am completely away from any kind of civilization to read some more before I head back down off the mountain today.

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I have been looking at my wifes tumblr page which I have never been on or even have my own page, but I have been reading all the quotes she has been posting and I am learning a lot about her sadness that she was going through. It has been eye opening for me in a sense. I was very open when reading the things she was posting and sharing and it breaks my heart to see a glimpse of how she must have felt. She is clearly a person who has been desperately trying to find herself. In all honesty I don't think she lost herself like she has claimed to me, but I don't think she has ever really known who she is. I am finding empathy for her through this and it's helping me understand things better. It's something I have never had to deal with and I think she saw and knew that and it probably made her feel worse about it.

I am looking at my wife as being more in a midlife crisis then anything else right now. It adds up better to me then anything else when trying to understand why she left. My wife is only 29 so it seems a bit weird calling it a midlife crisis, but it fits in my opinion. It makes me more than anything to want to reach out to her. I have been reading the DR book and I read through Step number 2 and 3 which are know what you want and ask for what you want. As far as knowing what I want, other than our marriage to work, is wanting to understand my wife. I want her to talk to me and tell me about things so I can understand her better. I am also willing to open up to her the best way I can if she asks, but that isn't my goal really. I just want her to talk to me as a friend would and let me know of her struggles that she has been dealing with. So I am strongly thinking of writing her an email or hand written letter to ask her to talk to me a bit. I think writing her would be easier then trying to first talk to her about it since I actually think she would read it all the way through. My wifes loves to write and read both so I think this would appeal to her.

I have also thought about writing the forgiveness letter I talked about earlier. It will have nothing to do with me forgiving her, but me asking for forgiveness as to how blind I was to everything. I would post my letters up on here for you guys to proof read if you would and help me change things that might be damning. I don't expect anything from her other than for her to read it and just get an understanding of the realizations I have went through and what I have learned in her absence. What do you guys think? I will post up some the quotes she has posted too.

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So I haven't text my wife for three days and today she initiated a text with a hi. I responded with a hi back and then sent her a couple picks of some beautiful places I have been in Alaska.

W:hi

ME: hi (sent pics) I wanted to share with you my reading spot this weekend. I thought you would like it

W: That's beautiful!!
W: Going to charge my phone for a bit in my room. Didn't realize it's at 16% shocked

ME: OK

I went to the gym to do my thing and about 4 hours later she text me again.

W: Im getting ready for bed. It's midnight and Im (personal stuff) frown

ME: OK, night

W: I took a muscle relaxer so I'm pretty relaxed
W: almost asleep
W: (Still having personal issues Lol!)
W: How are you?

ME: I'm good, thanks. Get some sleep

That was it, so how am I doing in my responses to her?

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You are doing much, much better, and as a result she is reaching out to you more. Keep it up!!

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Originally Posted By: OwnIt
You are doing much, much better, and as a result she is reaching out to you more. Keep it up!!


Thanks! This morning she contacted me again.

W: What book are you reading?

ME: Just something for myself

W: oh ok

And that was the extent of it again. Im off work early and I am about to go hunt down a glacier and find a spot to do some more reading on the DR book.

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