25 yearsMLC 10 years late I FILE part 2

[Gal522]

You are truly one of the bravest women I know. I came to the board today to update my sitch and came upon this. Thank you for being so candid. I feel for you, deeply.

I, too am at a fork in the road, and decided that D is the best option for me and my children to protect them and our future. The decision is painful yet freeing.

[25yearsmlc]

GAL

thanks for the kind words. Your name looks familiar.

the hearing went well enough today, that is that the payments continue and in late July we will assess whether he really has 'retired", or is deliberately unemployed.

You want irony? If we were married, we'd both be able to retire. But as I write that, the odds of h retiring ( i mean, without the D issues) are low.
He went up to Alaska to make his fortune.

So he's either trying to wait it out, and then going back to work

or he's really retiring to punish me & is retiring but hey, you're welcome, b/c he's a workaholic who probably won't ever retire unless "forced" by an evil 25

or the whole thing is BS and he's hiding income another way.

I don't have to figure this^^ out tonight however. Just hoping to find a check from h somewhere.

Also, btw, his filing was kind of crazy. Huge changes of position and remarks that IN MY EYES make him sound like an ass. I actually think his lawyer is slightly embarrassed but I might be reading into it.

Going to CA for the "vocational eval" this week. It will NOT be fun. But I'll see my 2 older kids, which will be fun.

[25yearsmlc]

QUESTION

our youngest and most angry child, d19, has h's old cell phone. The fool did not wipe his texts clean. Several texts are blasting me or lying to me (and some inappropriate ones to other women he works with that are, at best, way too flirtatious).

But h blasts d19 in some of his texts.

In one text to his bff, he says he "won't invest any more time" in his R with this daughter. He is "giving up on her" (b/c they fought and though she was difficult, it was 90% due to his constant neglect and long absences. PLUS she's the child and he's the parent...)

She retains these painful texts. She wants to post one on his FB page on fathers day.

(OKAY I ADMIT I LAUGHED at that one) but not in front of her...

it's sad, it's horrifying and yet...what did he expect?

I find myself wondering what h believes will happen to his r's when they've rarely seen him or bonded , and all the rest that has happened with us.

actually I do not wonder b/c

1) he does not think of it, it's far too shameful and painful & reflects poorly on him

2) IF and when he does look at the r's he has with our kids, the shame will morph into blame. It'll be my fault.

It sure has in the past.

My T had a great line today. B/c I wrack my brain trying to figure h out and "how can he....and WHY IS he...????" God knows I spent a year doing that a decade ago.

Her remark was "don't put a rational spin on irrational behaviors."

I've got to stop boxing h into my head where I really do articulate and examine what I'm feeling, working on processing the emotions and Dealing with them...

that's not what h does. And that's that.

So I need to figure out what I want and what I can do, without h in my head. The money issues loom, that's true. But not everything is about that.

I guess I'm trying to find peace inside no matter what the clouds are doing around me

[Cadet]

QUESTION

our youngest and most angry child, d19, has h's old cell phone. The fool did not wipe his texts clean. Several texts are blasting me or lying to me (and some inappropriate ones to other women he works with that are, at best, way too flirtatious).

But h blasts d19 in some of his texts.

MHO is to stay out of the middle of your childrens relationship with their father.
That is for him and them to work out and should have nothing to do with YOU.
They are certainly old enough to fend for themselves as far as that goes.

My ex destroyed her relationship with my son.
Left him on the side of the road about 6 years ago, he was around 23 at the time and drove off to another state.
That did not go over too well with him.
They are slowly mending their relationship now and at least he will talk to her now.
Not sure he will ever trust her though.

[25yearsmlc]

I hear you Cadet. She told me the part about the texts she found he'd sent about her.

And after the court thing today I didn't really expect it from her or maybe I was just too self absorbed to be aware. She said it by phone and I moved on.

I could have said something - but remember that they have also told me not to defend him. THEY asked about court today and I said minimal, like "your father quit his job but for now the payments continue."

It's a fine line between covering for him (which I did for years, and which they have specifically asked me not to do)

and just telling too much.

Finding it I guess

[25yearsmlc]

What'd you tell your son when he asked about his mom?

[180Man]

QUESTION

our youngest and most angry child, d19, has h's old cell phone. The fool did not wipe his texts clean. Several texts are blasting me or lying to me (and some inappropriate ones to other women he works with that are, at best, way too flirtatious).

But h blasts d19 in some of his texts.

In one text to his bff, he says he "won't invest any more time" in his R with this daughter. He is "giving up on her" (b/c they fought and though she was difficult, it was 90% due to his constant neglect and long absences. PLUS she's the child and he's the parent...)

She retains these painful texts. She wants to post one on his FB page on fathers day.

This hits home for me. I was about 19 or 20 when I picked up my dad's phone for something legitimate. I can't remember what, I think I was going to use it to call my mom or something like that. Doesn't matter. I saw odd texts to his old secretary (like 20 years previous) bragging about his kids and I saw calls to a weird number. I searched the internet for the number and found ads for a lady of the night.

Never looked at my father the same again. I never brought it up to him, but I was extremely disappointed in him. I knew my parents had long ago stopped any attempt at working on their R, but...this was [censored] I never needed nor wanted to know.

I never actually saw a "question" in there, haha, but I'm guessing you wanted to ask what to do about D19 having the phone? It's really fùcking unhealthy for her to have it and be reading that crap. She's not going to easily give it over to you or destroy it and you probably wouldn't want to ask her to. Posting on FB is too much. But she also needs to get it out of her hands so she can start to heal. Tell her to mail it to him, kills two birds with one stone.

WOW....shít....I just had my own revelation about something. Will write about it in my thread to avoid hijacking.

Anyways...D19 needs to ditch the phone one way or another.

[25yearsmlc]

180

I hear you. (Oh, geez I just realized I've been paying for his/her phone and mine, which was my "Christmas gift" both on my credit card. Excellent).

So now it's her only phone (a pricey iPhone & I ought to know).

So I asked her partner to take the phone and delete the messages, b/c they're not healthy for d19. She agreed.

I think d19 took a screen shot of it...which just so $ucks. She's gay and so she'll associate his rejection with that, I THINK.. D19 was troubled and had a temper, and imo, her being gay is, IN H's opinion a bad reflection on him. I think he's ashamed of her, although I have seen efforts on his end to overcome that. (Hey, I'm not giving him an award, just admitting that he's never condemned her and will tell anyone who gives her crap, that it's none of their business and I have one BIL who says "Christians must condemn gays". H and I were totally on the same page with that idiot).

My guess is it's more that d19 is angry at him b/c she saw more crap from him than the older ones did. She suspects other A's (and she might be right).

She just sent me a text telling me I'm a 'Star mother" and that she is "proud of me and so glad" I'm not with her dad.

I don't feel vindicated, but I feel sad for her and on the other hand, I also do feel loved. Oh Christ...

[25yearsmlc]

180,

that's a lousy experience to recall. (Sorry). I'm intrigued that you never mentioned it to your dad.

So, the model of marriage you had growing up wasn't exactly something positive to emulate, was it?

[180Man]

180

I hear you. (Oh, geez I just realized I've been paying for his/her phone and mine, which was my "Christmas gift" both on my credit card. Excellent).

So now it's her only phone (a pricey iPhone & I ought to know).

So I asked her partner to take the phone and delete the messages, b/c they're not healthy for d19. She agreed.

I think d19 took a screen shot of it...which just so $ucks. She's gay and so she'll associate his rejection with that, I THINK.. D19 was troubled and had a temper, and imo, her being gay is, IN H's opinion a bad reflection on him. I think he's ashamed of her, although I have seen efforts on his end to overcome that. (Hey, I'm not giving him an award, just admitting that he's never condemned her and will tell anyone who gives her crap, that it's none of their business and I have one BIL who says "Christians must condemn gays". H and I were totally on the same page with that idiot).

My guess is it's more that d19 is angry at him b/c she saw more crap from him than the older ones did. She suspects other A's (and she might be right).

She just sent me a text telling me I'm a 'Star mother" and that she is "proud of me and so glad" I'm not with her dad.

I don't feel vindicated, but I feel sad for her and on the other hand, I also do feel loved. Oh Christ...

Hmm, that's a tough one. My older B is gay. He has never told me, but my M told my W and I several years ago. I kind of figured as much, but whatever. Never talked about it with my F at all, I got the impression from my M that he initially rejected the idea but came around to accept it. My M and B are victims, that's their nature. If you ever needed to study the art of the guilt trip, they would be the first ones to observe. To my knowledge my F never said anything to my B about it, nor held anything against him. I suspect he was probably disappointed, perhaps in himself, I'm not sure. I'd ask him but he had a stroke two years ago and has been in a nursing home since. Can't talk, I don't even know how much of him is still in there. My W's step-father met the same fate two weeks after BD. MIL is now taking care of him all the time, plus working two jobs, plus trying to keep kids in line...telling my W to unfùck herself is now a low priority, as much as MIL is on my side. Wow, am I rambling or what?! Sorry!!

I was angry when I was your D's age. It took a girl breaking up with me to really calm me down. I don't know what I was angry about...it was just in there for some reason. You can't do anything about your H's view on D19's lifestyle choice. Everyone who makes that choice has to deal with it in one form another. I'm not saying that's good or bad, it is what it is. But you are a Star Mother for caring about her and asking her partner to clean out the texts!

180,

that's a lousy experience to recall. (Sorry). I'm intrigued that you never mentioned it to your dad.

So, the model of marriage you had growing up wasn't exactly something positive to emulate, was it?

Eh, it's okay. Not as bad as when my W and I drove up to my parent's house after the stroke and found a briefcase of sex toys my F had stashed in the garage which he had, presumably, been sharing with his old secretary. W and I never told my M, we drove down the street and threw it in a dumpster. She found out about the A, but the least we could do was spare her that discovery.

My parents fought a lot when I was young. Nothing physical, just lots of yelling. Consequently, I hate yelling. Was definitely a shock when I went through OCS, hah. They toned down as I got older and by the time I was in college they really seemed to get along like great friends a lot of the time. I know there was still plenty of arguing, but as much as they bítched about each other, I would watch them at dinner and they really got along well sometimes. Let's just say that I thought I had learned what NOT to do from my parents....but....my R went flat instead and now I'm here. At least the dog still likes me, I think...