KevinIn- Thanks for the encouragement. Hardest part is trying to get past her stubborn ways. But trying to be intimate outside the bedroom is where I'm stuck. Trying to be cool without possi my scaring the W off.
Tread...the affair is the symptom of the issues within your marriage. Since your W is unwilling to put much effort into the relationship, it will be up to you to lead the way.
Yes^^.
You are here trying to save the m, she's not. You said in an earlier post that "neglect on both sides" or complacency was the cause...For me that is a bit vague to help you with. To me it feels like your focus is on the A and not the cause of the A. Plus, saying there was "complacency/neglect" on both sides, well, it sounds like a scorecard you have making sure you don't own too much b/c you want her to be wrong.
Hey, affairs are lousy things to do, especially when there's no remorse yet. But it also means she has justified a lot of it and that means unmet needs in her. Can you explore those more thoroughly *even if only privately*?
Oh and I have a pet peeve of thread titles that say "cheating wife wants to leave marriage."
The label of her being a "Cheating wife", makes it seem as if the affair is the reason you are here as opposed to her wanting out of the marriage.
Plus it comes off as self righteous, almost like saying "Slut wants out"
and I'm not sure how that helps you.
You said neglect is/was part of the problem in your marriage. Can you provide us with more information on the other parts of the problems? Then we might be better equipped to help.
Have you read DR? The links Cadet has provided?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hopefully the DR book will be arriving at the library this afternoon. Been reading as much of the links that I believe apply to much sitch. Is there anything in particular that you would recommend? Other than neglect and sex issues within the past year. Whichever both have been resolved in the past few months. I discovered through counseling that I have a slight anger issue in regards to disrespect. When someone disrespect me, I have a habit of taking their heads off verbally. Whichever normally wouldn't be a bad thing, but not good to have in a marriage. Even even your W is saying things to deserve it. I have changed this behavior as well. Even though it seems that my W is constantly doing things to get me riled up. I recognize that I can only control my actions and gave remained calm.
Also I addressed the marriage as the problem that lead to the A. I gave a sincere apology my W in regards to my actions, whichever got us to this point days after finding out about the A. It's just at this I believe the urge to leave a fantasy (a word she used in messages to the OM) is blinding her. Right now I'm combating fantasy vs. reality.
Alright everyone, I picked up the DR book from the library this evening. And it is absolutely amazing. So far on page 76 and this book has literally broken down my marriage and what went wrong. Just wished my W would be open to reading the book. But I know she wouldn't be the least bit interested. So I will just keep it's existence to myself.
Your wife is also likely to view whatever you try to do to improve the marriage, including the suggestions in the book, as manipulation. So, it may just make her mad if she knew you have the book. All of a sudden, trying to impress/woo her is "manipulation", but it wasn't manipulation, somehow, when the two of you were first dating.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
It could never be viewed as trying to figure out where things went wrong. And trying to make things right. I feel like things have improved in many ways already, but every few days my W will find ways to blatantly disrespect me. My W did things to sabotage the marriage and s she continues to do so now. I know she had a bad childhood. But it's as if she refuses to be happy.
I have read your thread and in some ways it is very similar to mine. My wife is in the middle of an affair and we had very similar issues leading up to this. Over the past 6-7 weeks since our arguing had come to a head, I found this site and have been practicing a lot of 180's. My wife has noticed and she is actually getting closer to me everyday. We went from her not being in the same room as me to her texting me and working out with me. I too was in a depression for the last year and a half but this has been a huge wake up call and like you it was shock enough to snap me out of it. We haven't been intimate the last 7 months while we were fighting and we still haven't been. She has this loyalty to her AP and it is killing me. I try to remain positive and keep doing what I am doing because I focus on the small steps that she has made. All I can say is keep working on the 180 and show her the consistency of your changes. She will start to believe that she can trust that these are permanent but it will take time for both of us. Since it appears you two still have sexual relations there is still a connection between you. You realizing all the things you did wrong in the marriage regardless of what her faults were will eventually help build into a fuller connection with your W. At least that is what I believe. It is not an easy process but, like me it seems you really love your wife no matter what and you want your M to survive. I wish you the best of luck in all of this. Just keep working on yourself. It is really all we can do.
Thanks for the encouragement. The part you mentioned about the loyalty to the OM is what's killing me as well. Its as if giving accepting the marriage is somehow a betrayal to him. And the saddest part is that he is married in another with 3 children. With no intent on leaving his family. But my W was willing to simply be the OW. Even though she now claims that their just friends with no intent on going any further. Which I believe is another lie.
I discovered yesterday last night that my W is also in contact with someone else via Facebook that she cheated on me with. Apparently she claims that only a kiss happened between them and from the messages I found between them, I believe that no sex took place. But that doesn't mean that more than just a kiss took place. I have decided not to push on what more happened between them. But a few weeks ago, she removed him as a friend on Facebook, but I noticed that he liked a photo of my W and S13 when they were at the park yesterday. I checked out his page and she had liked a new profile picture of his. And when we were lying in bed, I noticed that she was following him on her timeline. But still aren't friends on Facebook. So somehow they're able to be on each others timeline without being friends on Facebook. Not sure how they do it, but it adds a whole new dynamic to sneaking around. And just when I figured that there might be some small sense of loyalty returning on her part. Do you and your W have any intimacy going on at the moment(holding hands, kissing, etc.)?
No. We do not have any intimacy going on at the moment. The last 2 years were rough and really we lost our connection in the last 6-7 months prior to me DBing. I know she has her issues too but I honestly realized all of my faults leading to where we are and what I could have done differently to change this outcome. I am a very different man today than I was almost 7 weeks ago and I am very proud of who I have become. I have been able to show my wife love and understanding knowing that I will not be getting anything in return. Yes It hurts a lot and sometimes too much. These past weeks she has been making baby steps closer to me and I feel like I am discovering my W all over again.
I have been listening to a lot of music which helps keep me calm and focused on my goals. I try not to think much about what she does and I try not to snoop as it will only set me back on my growth. Knowing or not knowing details is not going to change what is currently happening. So I try to focus on the small positives.
I don't accept her choices so far but I accept that she is free to make them. I understand the process she went through to get here because of our failing M and I accept the part I played in it. I finally do not take responsibility for her making the choice of having an affair. That one is on her and if she wants to try and save our M, she will be the one to have to accept the damage she has caused by her actions. I am willing to forgive her which I never thought I was a person able to forgive an A. I lover her and right now I just try to show it in little ways when she lets me.
I do not try to compete with the OM. I truly enjoy her presence whenever she comes to me and I try to remain happy even though I am heartbroken on the inside. I have not confronted her about the affair. I need her to make the choice to come back to me on her own. I need her to choose me first and not because she felt she had to. If she doesn't than as hard as it is I am better off out of this relationship. Hopefully I won't have to make that decision. I am giving her the time and space she needs. In the meantime I am becoming the husband that she will have to think twice about before leaving.
