M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Not much to update, confronted WH about the Snap Chatting and he claims not to remember to agree to delete it. He said he'd delete it but then it's still there though inactive. He said he doesn't know if pretty, young nurse is single and doesn't really care, that he's not attracted to her. I reminded him that OW isn't his "type" yet he "fel" for her after a lot of poor boundaries.
WH is back to saying ILYBINILWY but saying he can't divorce me because of the guilt. I told him I can't continue to live like this and come summer, my plans are to move into the new house with the kids and he can live somewhere else. He seemed to think this wasn't real and kind of dismissed it. Meanwhile he's storing his motorcycles there. I am spinning in my own head, mostly feeling really bad emotions toward him, wondering if he's worth this fight and fantasizing about finding someone who will treat me like a queen. I vacillate between apathy and anger at WH, I don't even find him attractive anymore.
Financially I can't afford the retainer for a divorce (taxes just came in and WHOA! do we owe $$$$) so I am just doing nothing. Talk about quitting pursuing, I find relief now when I am not with WH. I've come to realize the only way I want to stay married to this man is if he had some sort of epiphany (like Ebenezer Scrooge) and made HUGE changes. I just can settle for this broken human who is so petty and immature. He has no depth, no desire to introspect and become better than a cheating @sshole. He's like a small child that likes shiny new things but grows bored easily. So...for now I do nothing.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Big argument tonight and voices raised on both sides. WH continues to be remorseless, arrogant and utterly unaccountable for his actions. I contacted a lawyer and will be setting up a consultation to discuss separation agreement with respects to custody and his visitation rights. WH refuses to move elsewhere (plans on moving into the new house) unless we can get something in writing. Fine by me. White flag going up, I quit.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
You didn't surrender, Leahsue, nor you, Sara. The battle is not for your H, or even your M. Your battle is for your self. What you are both doing, is fighting, and winning, for your self. Remember that. Some people are just a-holes that don't deserve you, but you love them anyway.
I said to my W very early on in our R, that love is not enough. There are a multitude of factors that need to be there. Love is just one of them, and it's not worth losing your self over.
You will both find peace and happiness, whatever your future holds.
-- Me: 47 WW: 35 SS: 17 D: 5 T: 7 yrs Engaged: 2 yrs OEA confirmed: August 17 2016 ongoing since April 2016. OEA continues (with occasional breaks) BD2 - W says will visit OM in Jan 18
Thank you my friends, I am soooo done with this roller coaster. So I got into a long argument with WH last night. He kept comparing my insults and yelling at him after the affair with the same level of disrespect he showed me by cheating. I told him he was nuts and that both our MC said he was narcissistic. He became very sarcastic and started mocking me. At one point he referred to me as an ungrateful "thing" and I lost it on him. I told him if he referred to me as an object again he would be sleeping in the gutters tonight. Now WH is saying he refuses to move out and plans on moving into the new house because he "bought it." This led to my jaw dropping as he assured me the purpose of putting the new house in my name was so I wouldn't feel he was trying to be controlling. (I expressed DEEP reservations about buying a house while our relationship was such a wreck and he continually assured me he would not use it as a pawn piece) Of course I am the idiot for trusting a man who lies as easily as others breathe.
Then he said he would not come if I got something in writing by a lawyer stating what his parental rights were and then he would find his own place. I will be calling around to family lawyers so I can get that before the move. While I was angry I was not that out-of-control-rage angry that I used to be. My anger was more primary and not covering pain. Later that night I went to bed and awoke around an hour later with WH tapping me. I turned over and he said, "I said a lot of awful things to you tonight and I am sorry." The look on my face was probably a mix of confusion and irritation. While I am surprised he apologized (I can probably count on one hand how many times he has preemptively apologized after a fight) I am also just DONE.
I bought a book tonight on how to divorce a narcissist and will begin reading it as soon as it comes in. In the meantime I am just not believing ANYTHING he says from now on. He is unrecognizable to me. I called my cousin and filled him in on the situation (he was my only relative in the know) and he offered to break my WH's face. This was funny coming from a peace lover who's never been in a physical fight in his life. But he has stood quietly by watching me twist myself into a pretzel for WH and also witnessed WH's selfish behavior. My cousin loves me and feels WH needs a "good southern @ss kicking until he cries as many tears as you have." I got to say, it feels nice to have someone willing to go to jail for you. lol
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
We continue to be cordial and aloof from each other. I have an appointment with a lawyer this Monday to see if a pre-divorce contract stipulating WH's rights as a father can be outlined. WH states he wants this because he "can't trust me." Sure. I am the one who has lied, made promises to simply break them and violated our religion to cheat. Sure. The paralegal I spoke to on the phone said we could type up the agreement, have it notarized and use that. Legally speaking it has no power though. One thing I will NEVER do is use the kids as a way to hurt WH. All that matters to me is that the kids are protected and know that both parents love them.
In the end I may just have to go ahead and file, even the retainer fee is a lot less here in Florida than it was in NY. I can't continue to live with a man who shows no true remorse, who still had horrible boundaries and has no desire to help me heal from his betrayal. I am comforted by the fact that I tried every.single.thing. Dr Phil says you have to earn your way out of a marriage and I think I've done that. I tried detaching but find it virtually impossible with WH living under the same roof. It's simply a matter of time until he cheats again to fill the massive hole inside him.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Hi Sara, You are so strong and level-headed. Of course whether you decide to file or not is a decision only you can make.... but just from what I've seen, it sure seems like you have done the "earning your way out" part. Either way, we have your back!
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
