Leahsue, Thank you for taking the time during your roller coaster to come give support, I really appreciate it.
Stormchasher, You would think after my PI abilities previously (restored deleted texts, put a key logger on his phone, cracked into his google history, have a tracker on his phone, found the address of AP's parents and sent them a letter exposing the affair) he would learn to avoid electronic communication. But no, he has snapchat on his phone as well as his ipad. So while he was chatting with New Nurse on his phone it was showing live on his ipad. What little bit I witnessed months ago was benign. But I didn't like the joking/heckling I was reading because with WH's boundaries it would quickly develop to something more. Well any time you open and chat with someone it time stamps it, so his Ipad was showing he has recently chatted with her. The other night he actually left it open mid convo so I was able to read what he typed (he never sent it) and the time. So he's crossed a boundary by resuming communication with this young, single (very pretty) nurse on his snapchat.
Blu, Thank you so much for your vote of confidence, I needed that. It's weird, it's like some sort of switch flipped and I've become...detached is the wrong word, just....very tightly focused in my rage. I've already scheduled three consults out of six. WH will know nothing until I've filed and I will give him the choice of choosing where he is served.
Today I went to my third consult and I really like this lawyer's philosophy. Her retainer fee is a bit pricier as well as her hourly rate but her philosophy closely mirrors mine. Her jaw dropped a few times when I described the timeline (WH proposing and having sex with AP 3 weeks after meeting her) and she was surprised at the counter measures I took to save my marriage. When I told her I was purposely consulting the top rated family lawyers to "poison the well" she burst out laughing. She also became serious and thoughtful when I told her I was not 100% against reconciliation but only if I saw HUGE behavior changes in my husband. She said she is my employee and I call the shots.
She seemed impressed that my goals were clearly defined (The house goes to me, WH can have all his vehicles, 401K, retirement, etc) I told her I was going to do everything in this process as low key as possible. I would not engage in arguments with WH but rather focus on the desired outcome. Mostly I would move heaven and earth to diminish the damage to my children. I would not use my children as a tool to hurt WH, I no longer cared if he suffered or felt "success" by divorcing me, I just wanted my children to come out of this relatively unscathed. I really want to try clean, quick mediation and the lawyer felt that was completely reasonable and said it would save an enormous amount of money. She was frank that she would litigate like a pitbull if I green lighted her but that I was the one to decide the tone. I still have more consults scheduled but I will probably go with her.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
My heart goes out to you, you tried everything you could. There so much we can handle, after all those years of trying you need may be some peace... Home should be a place when you can let it go and find peace.
It seems that you H has been taking you for granted and engaging in those conversations with another woman while still married is a huge red flag. Respect is a must. Without respect no relationship can survive.
I have been absent for a while I have been having issues on my own, I have been struggling again with anger and a few events triggered in me if it was worth it to keep going on... I still don't know...
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
My IC told me she couldn't even do EMDR therapy on me because I was basically getting re-traumatized repeatedly by living in the house with a remorseless "offender."
EMDR has helped me SO MUCH with helping me deal with my W. Turned me into a less reactive, more calm human, and to take W's mental haywire-ness in stride.
I know that you are being constantly traumatized, but after you get through a couple of the next hurdles in front of you, I hope you'll have the chance to work off the trauma.
I so wish my WAW would consider EMDR, it would help her better manage her anxieties. She has chosen meds, job changes, getting a dog, wanting a D, etc....but unless she does the work, it will be a constant case of "no matter where you go, there you are."
Sky, It's good to see you around, I was beginning to wonder where you'd gone off to. I sometimes wonder if anyone really "knows" if reconciliation was worth it after being cheated on. I am sure they deal with the niggling thought in the back of their mind for the duration of the relationship. It's like being deliberately shot by a loved one, the scar will always remain and it may hurt when the rain comes. I am sorry you are struggling but truly, I get it.
JDub, I recommend EMDR to about 80% of my patients, a lot of my patients have been deeply traumatized and thus they land in my backyard (inpatient, acute stabilization.) I hear this voice whisper (not really!) "Physician, heal thyself" whenever I am recommending it.
So Saturday WH accompanied me to the Eid festival with the kids. The kids had a FANTASTIC time, there were rides, face painting, food, prayer and tons of activities. WH asked if we could pick up his motorcycle which he had stored at his job's garage during the hurricane, I acquiesced. By the time we got to his job all the kids were sleeping. He got out of the van and I had a chance to see all three kids in their seats, face paint, the helium balloons floating around the back seats...my face just broke out in a big smile. This is what I wanted but WH never seemed to take the lead. I wanted the kids to have a HUGE blast for our holidays and when I took the reigns I made it happen. My chest felt full to bursting and I am still smiling when I think about it. Meanwhile WH was silent, stone faced and just...detached from us. His loss.
I took the kids to the mosque today and registered the two older ones for Islamic Sunday school. They will be there every Sunday for 14 weeks and learn (and be tested) on the basic Quran verses and the tenets of out religion. They also will get pizza, lol! I came home after dropping them off and finished the laundry and other sundry things. WH came home early from work as I was putting the baby back in the van to go pick them up. He looked surprised and asked where I was going, I told him to pick up the kids from the mosque. I invited him to come pick them up and he accepted. The ride was filled with silence but I was comfortable, meanwhile he kept taking these deep sighs.
I stopped by an ice cream place on the way home and WH sat with us but didn't get ice cream. Instead he laid his head on the table like some pouting child. I wanted to dump my cone on his head. When we came home WH went and took a nap, I took the kids for a swim in our pool. I felt relaxed, happy and really present while they splashed and swam. I showered them afterward and made dinner. WH woke from his nap and went into his office and played video games. I decided to walk our puppies and told WH the kids were in his care. He grunted a response and when I came home 40 minutes later he was still playing video games. Honestly, it's like I'm married to a moody teenager.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
OMG Sara, you are caring for F.O.U.R children!!!!!!!
You are not in a partnership, you're parenting (and doing a great job of it, BTW) 3 of your own children, and some grown adopted kid who can't get his $hit together.
God bless you, girlfriend. I have so much respect for you. Your kids are BLESSED to have you as their mother. And you will be rewarded for that.
Hang in there and full speed ahead with what you need to do.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
WH continues to phone in parenthood. He'll play with the kids for a bit each day then goes to his man cave and plays video games while I do all the dinner,homework, bath routines. I've seen a few more lawyers and at this point will be going with the second lawyer I saw. I like her philosophy and she is willing to put the brakes on at any time I tell her. But frankly I don't see WH really caring.
Last night one of the pups got ill and I had to be taken to the vet, she's still there and may need surgery tomorrow. I came home after a hectic day and started the evening routine. WH came to me asked if it would be possible for all of us to go to Disney water park, I mulled it over and said sure. Then I realized that we may have a pup recovering from surgery so I am unsure if this will be do-able. I also remembered that I have the kids signed up for Islamic studies every Sunday. Wh just wanted us to stay overnight Friday and come home Saturday night. If pup just needs hydration this will be possible.
I can't help but be weirded out that we're still doing things as a family while I am planning my divorce. WH is barely talking to me and I find I am fine with that. It's a relief honestly, not to worry about what he is thinking or saying. I find myself not giving a crap if I piss him off or bruised his crystalline brittle ego. I am so mentally exhausted from the last two years and WH's complete inertia with regards to reconciliation that I have lost all motivation to work towards our marriage. I still get very angry when I go over the lies, the omissions, the blame shifting. I am angry he chose to throw away diamonds for a piece of petrified sh*t. There is no doubt in my mind he will deeply regret his wayward ways but I think that will be after years of being alone (or shallowly partnered) and the kids eventually seeing him for what he is, dishonest and narcissistic. Sorry guys, not in a very positive mood tonight. This whole thing has made me jaded and realize my idea of soulmates is just a stupid fantasy.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
I'm with you, Sara. But we have to realize we are still in a place of enormous hurt and rejection. The Pollyanna in me still has to hang on to the hope that there ARE soulmates out there, who work and struggle to stay in the R, even when the going gets tough.
You are an amazing, strong woman, and you will come out even stronger on the other side of this. Don't lose hope. HUGS.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
PsySara, you will always be a warrior queen to me.
You're still fighting, but for something else - for the happiness and stability of you and your children.
I used to think that the battle would be over if only WH would come home, but your journalling has exposed how naive an expectation this is. For that I thank you deeply. We get into all sorts of problems because of unrealistic expectations, and because of your posts, you may have saved a few more hearts from being broken even more badly.
Soulmates, I think, by the way, is a total co-dependency con job. We come to this world alone, and we will leave alone, and though we may lie to ourselves of our time in between, we live alone.
He might not realize what he has until he looses it... meanwhile you need some time off to find peace again inside yourself. Your life has been a constant turmoil since 2 years.
Detach.... for good. Stop pursing him once and for all. Sorry for the 2'X4", but I had to say it. He has to want to stay, it has to come from him not by being persuaded to do it otherwise he will flip his mind again and again. By pursuing him you are giving him more importance than he has really, you are making him worthier than you. You are reducing your own worth. We chase what is worthy... not the opposite. Think about that...
You did everything you could and beyond. I truly admire you, you never gave up but may be it's time for him to feel what's life is going to be without you to make everything so easy. He needs to feel REALITY.
Remember if you accept to be disrespected once and don't sanction it it will happen again and again. Don't be afraid to stand up, it's tough, it's nerve wrecking, you will question yourself a lot but down the line you will feel empowered and relieved. You have more to win than to loose for him that the opposite.
From what you have been writing since a few months he never had to endure any consequences in regard of his behavior, he kept lying, chatting with girls and disrespecting you, crossing boundaries without having to suffer any consequences. He never lost anything, you kept losing.
Why do you want him to change or question his behavior if he can keep doing whatever he wants. I made clear to my husband when he asks me to give him another chance (I didn't really want it), if he was going to break any boundaries he was out. He needed that to force himself to resist the temptation to do it again and truly change. He knew what he was going to loose and how determined I was. I showed him how strong and determined I was, and made him understand that he had no more control over me and my life, I was not going to bend over and pursue him anymore.
Even if I am struggling with piecing and a bunch of triggers, his behavior changed drastically since last year and he didn't cross any boundaries. I kept reminding him that these boundaries are not here to punish him but to make me feel safe and also to protect him from being tempted again. Also he know that if he wants to leave I won't stop him but I don't want to be cheated again or being disrespected again in my own home, that my red line.
Whatever the decision you will make, there will always have pros and cons. You have a daughter, you are her role model. Never accept something that you don't want her to accept.
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
