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I'm starting to feel angry that WAW is throwing me under the bus to anyone who will listen.

I'm not going to react. I'll just take it in stride.

Use your anger as a shield, right Mach?

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Sometimes I have these moments of clarity where I realize that I just might be better off without W.

The person she has become is not he W I know or want to be around.

She will literally bad mouth me to friends and family and then will be nice to my face. Then she reverses course and acts very angry around me and avoids me. I just leave her alone. I say hi and goodbye when I leave the house and stay out of her business.

Also, my mom took a pic of WAW with the family cat on her shoulder. WAW immediately got defensive and asked who she was sending the picture to. My mom told her she was going to send it to W's sister because it was a cute pic. W flipped out and said she does not want her picture sent to anyone.

Basically, W does not want anyone to see that she is still smiling in this house. She has painted a picture for everyone that will listen that she is a victim living here and it's awful. The last thing she wants is for people to see her having fun with a cat while in my parents house.

My mom also showed me a text from W that said she needs to get out of this "abusive situation". Ummm... if I'm so abusive, why are you staying in this house until your daughter finishes school? And why do you let me help your daughter with homework and build Lego sets with her for hours at a time?

I feel my anger and resentment building. I will not react and give W the justification she is seeking. I feel like it's a character assasination. I know I shouldnt give a damn what her family thinks of me. And I know I'm not abusive. Why then, do I feel compelled to defend myself?

W has everyone convinced that she is some sort of abuse survivor. I know I need to let it go. It just upsets me that this is the same person a few weeks ago, that was losing her mind to be buying a home with me.

My family has been nothing but accomodating for W and her D. Her family views my family as the enemy while W lives here rent free.

Honestly, I dont know if I could look past this stuff if W ever wanted to try and work things out.

One thing I know for sure, I will not react. If W wants out, she can leave. I want her last memories of me to be of someone that wanted things to work out but respected his partners wishes to leave. I need to know that I did the absolute best I could to try and make things right.

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Originally Posted By: Thornton
Sometimes I have these moments of clarity where I realize that I just might be better off without W.

The person she has become is not he W I know or want to be around.

She will literally bad mouth me to friends and family and then will be nice to my face. Then she reverses course and acts very angry around me and avoids me. I just leave her alone. I say hi and goodbye when I leave the house and stay out of her business.

Also, my mom took a pic of WAW with the family cat on her shoulder. WAW immediately got defensive and asked who she was sending the picture to. My mom told her she was going to send it to W's sister because it was a cute pic. W flipped out and said she does not want her picture sent to anyone.

Basically, W does not want anyone to see that she is still smiling in this house. She has painted a picture for everyone that will listen that she is a victim living here and it's awful. The last thing she wants is for people to see her having fun with a cat while in my parents house.

My mom also showed me a text from W that said she needs to get out of this "abusive situation". Ummm... if I'm so abusive, why are you staying in this house until your daughter finishes school? And why do you let me help your daughter with homework and build Lego sets with her for hours at a time?

I feel my anger and resentment building. I will not react and give W the justification she is seeking. I feel like it's a character assasination. I know I shouldnt give a damn what her family thinks of me. And I know I'm not abusive. Why then, do I feel compelled to defend myself?

W has everyone convinced that she is some sort of abuse survivor. I know I need to let it go. It just upsets me that this is the same person a few weeks ago, that was losing her mind to be buying a home with me.

My family has been nothing but accomodating for W and her D. Her family views my family as the enemy while W lives here rent free.

Honestly, I dont know if I could look past this stuff if W ever wanted to try and work things out.

One thing I know for sure, I will not react. If W wants out, she can leave. I want her last memories of me to be of someone that wanted things to work out but respected his partners wishes to leave.
I need to know that I did the absolute best I could to try and make things right.




Fixed that for you Thor....

Jus sayin...

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Yes I agree with Mach - you're focusing way too much on her! All of that - that's her sandpit. Now, it's a bit difficult at the moment, because she's playing in the sandpit right next to you and flicking grains over the barrier. But that will change and things will become easier.

So - enough of her. TBH (and you may hate to read that) I'm not really interested in her at all right now - just you!

What are you planning for yourself this week Thornton?

smile


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We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Thanks, Mach and Sotto.

This detaching business is extremely hard to do.

I know I can't make sense of something that makes no sense. But, I just want answers! Answers I'll probably never get, I know.

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Originally Posted By: Thornton
This detaching business is extremely hard to do.

Go do something, even if all you can find to do is end up playing D&D with a pack of nerds like me. smile

If nothing else is occupying your mind, then what's going to be?


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Just saw WAW's daughters last concert for the school year. It will probably be the last time I get to see her perform.

I can't believe W thinks it's better to uproot D all over again. I'm so pissed at W's selfishness. It's getting hard to keep grinning and playing along like everything is normal.

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Originally Posted By: Thornton
Just saw WAW's daughters last concert for the school year. It will probably be the last time I get to see her perform.

I can't believe W thinks it's better to uproot D all over again. I'm so pissed at W's selfishness. It's getting hard to keep grinning and playing along like everything is normal.



I really like the question "What would you do if WAW had died?"

When someone dies it doesn't mean you don't get angry. Anger is a stage of grief and we go through it on any monumental loss. But with a death, your anger isn't directed at someone specifically. It's just angry that the world works the way it does, anger at God, anger that there can be so much pain in the universe. It's just anger without target. Realize your anger now is no different, only you have a target, you can blame all of the pain and anger and hurt and everything wrong with the universe all on WAW's choice to leave the marriage.

First of all, from WAW's point of view, does that sound appealing? I can already hear her, "He did x, and y, and z, for so many years, hurt me so much, yadda yadda yadda, and none of that matters, he doesn't care at all about any of that for year after year, then suddenly he hurts for a few weeks and BOOM!, now he's upset, and everything that has ever been wrong is my fault?!? Screw that. He can blame me, I don't care, I know the truth, if he wants to make me the bad guy he can go right ahead, I know that I didn't want to do this and wouldn't have if it wasn't the only option..." Not saying I agree, but this anger at her doesn't make her feel accountable and guilty, it just makes you look crazy and reassures her that she is doing the right thing. This is assuming any of it leaks out towards her in any way, but if you are still living together it almost has to.

So how do you let go of your anger? The answer is really easy. APPRECIATION. Appreciation is like kryptonite to anger. Anger can't exist in an appreciative soul. Again, anger has a role to play, it's an emotion on your team (Have you watched Inside Out yet??? You're an introvert, fire it up bro!). But it can't take over your entire company.

The mantra that saved my life was this: If God gives me my health, my children, my family, food to eat, a job to do, friends, gifts and talents that I can bring and share with the world, music to listen to, a nice car to drive, a comfortable bed to sleep in...ALL OF THIS...and I STILL look up at the sky and say "Screw You God, without the woman and relationship I want the way I want it when I want it I think all of this is total bull$hit and you can stuff it and take it all back!"...If I was truly THAT ungrateful and miserable- well, let's face it, one screwed up woman wouldn't really make me any less of a miserable prick.

So, I get you're angry. Hear your anger. Make any adjustments to your behavior that you need to make for you. Then after you hear the anger speak, tell it that you appreciate it's contributions, but now you're going to let some other emotions talk as well. Let appreciation have a turn. And then YOU lead on. Let's go! smile


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Originally Posted By: Thornton
Ok, I'm going to do my best to respond to all of your posts.

25 - regarding my convo with W, you're right. I should have just listened and validated. I know it's not W's job to make me happy and I honestly thought I was doing MUCH better with that during the 10 months we were piecing. I have spoken to C about this and will see if we can dive a little deeper into it.

Regarding soothing myself, I dont think I ever developed that skill.


it's not too late, Thornton.


When I was 10 years old, my sister (16 years old) was killed instantly in an auto accident. My mom was put on tranquilizers for a year and my dad started working 80 hour weeks. I felt not only abandoned by my sister, but my parents as well.

I spent the 4th grade in home schooling because I developed agoraphobia and refused to leave the house. The house was the only place I felt safe and every time my parents walked out the door, I thought it would be the last time I would see them.

Because I wasn't getting any better, my parents put me in a psychiatric hospital for 3 months. I felt even more abandoned. I developed some issues with anxiety and panic as a result.

^^^^ this is probably why I pick the relationships I do.

Okay, sounds rough. What can you do to change this dynamic, now?



Like Zeus, I would pick women with equally sh!tty self esteem and figured if I could rescue them and save them from their issues, they would think of me as a hero and never want to leave.

Unfortunately, this thinking never got me anything but heartbreak.


so it's not working for you, by a long shot. Again, what can you do about it? (I'll answer that question - The answer is, you learn new ways and get new tools and change yourself so the path of your life is not circular with you in the same position again...) You change the trajectory of your life...


Regarding abandoning myself, this is definately something I do. Typically when I feel my anxiety building, I immediately look for something to take the edge off instead of sitting with my feelings and letting them pass. Sometimes, I'll even come to the DB board as a distraction.

Sitting alone with my thoughts and feelings feels like I have no skin. I'm exposed and raw and I feel everything. It literally can feel like I'm jumping out of my own skin. Often it brings up the exact feelings I had when I was 10 years old.



Thornton, I ache for you. And I feel that you are not really in a great position to be working on the marriage, so much as needing urgent help with your own sandbox. You need to change your view of yourself, get some skin, and equip yourself with tools to build a newer stronger self.

I hope you'll consider that personal growth workshop I mentioned to you so that you'd be in a safe supportive environment and make some breakthroughs...("Essential Experience" in philadelphia, and no, I don't get a kickback for suggesting it!)

Also, How is your dear daughter coping with all this?

What would you like to model for her, as a man and as a father
?


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X = "ALASKA 2.0"
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Zeus and 25 - thanks for your responses.

Zeus - I totally understand what you are saying about anger. I haven't let W see me angry at all. I've subscribed to Mach's methodology to use my anger as a shield and not a weapon.

Honestly, Im trying to keep it together for W's daughter. We are so close. Although she is not mine biologically, I have loved her like my own since she was 3 years old. Watching her perfom last night with all of her friends and having such a good time really upset me that she's going to have to start all over again in a new state. I just wish I could make it all better for her.

25 - I get what you're saying about needing to work in my own sandbox. I've been dealing with this stuff since I was 10 years old. Honestly, I don't think there isn't anything I've tried to get better, except, to be alone and sit with my thoughts and pain without a partner to distract me from it.

I really don't have many other options except to be alone. I hate it because I want companionship. I love spending time with my partner and I love the security that I get when I know my partner is there for me through thick and thin. Ironically, WAW is a love avoidant. And she has hardly been there for me when things got rough. She's the first person to hit the eject button, everytime.

So why do I idealize her? In the beginning of the R, she idolized me. I fixed her issues and she made me feel like Superman. I felt like I was doing my job as a good partner and being there for her, taking things off her plate to make her life easier. I remember one time I drove 1.5 hours in a blizzard to bring her some soup because she was sick. Took me 2 hours to get home because I couldn't see the road. 3.5 hours of driving to bring her some soup???

I thought I was being romantic. In actuality, I was being codependant.

25 - my daughter is almost 17 now and doesn't seem affected by anything. She has her own life and friends. In all honesty, I think she would prefer if W would leave. They have had some issues butting heads in the past and don't really speak to each other much anymore.

Im trying to think positive thoughts about what my new life will look like but it's hard because I've been through some things in my life that have re-enforced the fear response I get. I've conditioned myself to expect the worst because that's what's most likely to happen. And if I expect bad things, then I won't be taken by surprise when they do happen.

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