Ok, I'm going to do my best to respond to all of your posts.
25 - regarding my convo with W, you're right. I should have just listened and validated. I know it's not W's job to make me happy and I honestly thought I was doing MUCH better with that during the 10 months we were piecing. I have spoken to C about this and will see if we can dive a little deeper into it.
Regarding soothing myself, I dont think I ever developed that skill. When I was 10 years old, my sister (16 years old) was killed instantly in an auto accident. My mom was put on tranquilizers for a year and my dad started working 80 hour weeks. I felt not only abandoned by my sister, but my parents as well.
I spent the 4th grade in home schooling because I developed agoraphobia and refused to leave the house. The house was the only place I felt safe and every time my parents walked out the door, I thought it would be the last time I would see them.
Because I wasn't getting any better, my parents put me in a psychiatric hospital for 3 months. I felt even more abandoned. I developed some issues with anxiety and panic as a result.
^^^^ this is probably why I pick the relationships I do.
Like Zeus, I would pick women with equally sh!tty self esteem and figured if I could rescue them and save them from their issues, they would think of me as a hero and never want to leave.
Unfortunately, this thinking never got me anything but heartbreak.
Regarding abandoning myself, this is definately something I do. Typically when I feel my anxiety building, I immediately look for something to take the edge off instead of sitting with my feelings and letting them pass. Sometimes, I'll even come to the DB board as a distraction.
Sitting alone with my thoughts and feelings feels like I have no skin. I'm exposed and raw and I feel everything. It literally can feel like I'm jumping out of my own skin. Often it brings up the exact feelings I had when I was 10 years old.
Her daughter's bd party is next weekend at a park and we had to reserve some tables. W checked the weather and it looks like snow next weekend. She blamed me for that "It's just another kick in the gut!" She has literally blamed me for everything, including the weather. I just listen and validate when I can.
She's also been crying alot and I don't know how to react in those situations. I hate to see her in pain. Typically I just give her an empathetic look like I know she's hurting and I'm sorry.
Honestly, I think W has bad mouthed me so much to her friends and family that she has no way to turn back even if she wanted to.
She's labeled me "abusive" but lets me play and do things with her daugther all day. Makes no sense to me.
Honestly, I think W has bad mouthed me so much to her friends and family that she has no way to turn back even if she wanted to.
She's labeled me "abusive" but lets me play and do things with her daugther all day. Makes no sense to me.
First off, pretty cool that you can control the weather. ;-)
The crazy level of emotions that our WAS go through is intense. Maybe because I've been in this before as a LBS that I feel more grounded than what my W does.
My W's ticked that I'm now being "parent of the year". My SIL told my W, "um, do you want him to not be there for the kids?".
Best of luck with the ups and downs.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
It's crazy because what she is doing now (reacting to things and blasting me for it) is exactly what she said she is leaving me for.
I'm tempted to point this out to her (but I won't).
I guess I'm confused how I should be reacting to her outburts. Currently, Im just listening for the most part and letting her get it out of her system.
To say she has me confused is an understatement...
It's crazy because what she is doing now (reacting to things and blasting me for it) is exactly what she said she is leaving me for.
I'm tempted to point this out to her (but I won't).
I guess I'm confused how I should be reacting to her outburts. Currently, Im just listening for the most part and letting her get it out of her system.
To say she has me confused is an understatement...
Hi Thornton, thanks for posting what you did above. That is such a sad and difficult thing to have happened in your life as a child, and it is understandable to have struggled. To lose your sister in that way, and with your Mum and Dad trying to cope as best they can, and then the hospital stay. I can see you would have felt abandoned.
As you know, I lost my brother suddenly when I was in my 20s, and looking back I didn't have great coping skills then. But I was an adult at least. To have tough things happen as a child, I think we develop coping strategies to help us feel safe at that time. They may not always be the best strategies then, but they work for us. However, sometimes we carry them into our adult lives too, and use them - perhaps without realising. It is good to see these patterns and understand what is happening for you. Though I understand that feels painful and you feel raw.
One thing I have seen posted here is to listen to your inner child when you feel these strong emotions. Sit on the couch with that frightened boy and hear what he is saying. Understand him, and you can then make choices to act from an 'adult' state and not be driven by fear (or inner child) state.
So, inner child may say - I need to find someone who I can fix and they will always be with me and not run away. So, that needs to be someone with some issues or damage (probably all of us to some degree ) That makes perfect sense to the part of you that is scared little boy who feels abandoned. If I can just get to a place where someone won't bail on me, I'll be okay - safe.
However, from an 'adult' place, starting a R with someone who has significant issues is more likely to lead to an unstable relational situation...
Of course, I am no expert and I'm only posting from my own experience - of therapy and of what I read and see posted here. But I hope you'll follow this avenue with your therapist. You said you felt you had got to a good place previously, but sometimes there is a little further delving to do, which isn't easy - but if you can recognise patterns which don't serve you well and make peace with the past, these are prizes indeed.
What I would like to suggest is that you have a look at Guy Winch's emotional first aid TED talk as I think there is some useful insight in there on looking after your mental and emotional health. Also, have you considered some practical, actual steps you can take to support your wellbeing and manage anxious feelings when they do come? I'm thinking journaling, meditation, yoga, gratitude journal etc. These are all things I have turned to at times when things felt overwhelming..
Hope this helps anyway my friend, and one of the great things about this forum is - it is open 24/7 and is always here if you need it.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
What I would like to suggest is that you have a look at Guy Winch's emotional first aid TED talk as I think there is some useful insight in there on looking after your mental and emotional health.
I thought Guy Winch first aid was supposed to be used to treat erectile dysfunction.
Don't know what to say about your childhood except (HUGS) and that out of that adversity, you still managed to become a good man who raised one daughter and is raising another. Never lose sight of the man you've become in spite of your past.
) That makes perfect sense to the part of you that is scared little boy who feels abandoned. If I can just get to a place where someone won't bail on me, I'll be okay - safe. 