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Tx,

Any reason you didn't answer my questions? Just curious.

Look, what you are saying makes sense to me. My MC has helped me to understand that not all Ms can survive an A. I honestly don't know if mine will either. However, if I am going to end this M (and family) it will not be because of a mistake that he made, it will be because we both can no longer reconcile, and live with, our differences in general.

What I do know is that your posts don't read that you are happy and have forgiven her. There is a disconnect there. Because if you have forgiven her then you would not still describe it as tainted, right? Just think about that, you owe yourself that much.

IMHO, if a M is not going to survive after infidelity, it should not be because of the betrayal alone. If both people worked together, reconciled their differences, gave it time, and truly learned to grow and change their ways, and they still wanted to part, then that is understandable. And not just seeing the fault of the one that had an A, but that the LBS understands why it ever happened. That is the hardest part of being the LBS--seeing past the betrayal and realizing that we need to change too. Everybody does, especially over the decades of the M. If you are saying that the M is over because of the A (that it is still tainted) then I would challenge your thinking that this work was not completed.

Innocence and newness only lasts so long and does not survive any relationship over time. I hope for you, that you can find more than that with the next person.

I just want to challenge you to think harder about what you are saying--please don't get defensive--if you read your posts (here and to others) it does not sound like you have forgiven her and are happy about your sitch. If you don't want to be with your W, I can only hope it is because you are not compatible and no longer desire the family you created, and not due to that one time period.


Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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I've done IC, MC, all that jazz. I have no anger for her but she is permanently tainted. It's like being convicted of murder, paying your debt to society, and being released. You're always a convicted murderer the rest of your life. Permanently tainted. My stbxw is a good woman. With another partner in the future she won't be tainted. She hasn't cheated on them and hopefully won't. I don't think she will. I don't think she would ever cheat on me in the future but then again, almost all BS's say that about their WS's before they catch them cheating.

I have zero anger for her but, and this is important, I have no tolerance for infidelity. I tried to find tolerance for it but I can't without allowing myself to be brainwashed. I can't reconcile the fact that a person you took vows with would break those vows and cheat. She and I said for decades that would be a deal breaker. Turns out, it is. I'm looking forward to my future. Maybe my future partner will cheat. If so, I'll end that relationship and find another partner. At least I've learned from my experience. I think that's the most important thing about any life experiences.

If I seem angry in any post here, I'm not. I'm just blunt about cheating. If the person is trying to win back their cheater, and being very weak, clingy, crying, etc., then I may speak bluntly to them but only because I'm trying to snap them out of it. That approach never ever works. It actually has the opposite effect and makes them look weak and pathetic as a contrast makes their AP look strong and self-assured.

I said for my stbxw not to bother db'ing me because I know the program and would know all the techniques. If she detaches and starts moving on that would be awesome. That's what I want her to do so she can find happiness.



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What is her position right now? What is she asking for?


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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I understand about the perceived taint, and I must admit in my own situation that I have felt it may be easier just to move on. Have the freshness of something new with someone new, without having to work through and overcome the difficult experience of infidelity.

As you say, your W is a good woman. A good woman who made a significant mistake. Is it possible to love and rebuild with someone who has made a significant mistake. Yes possible and no, not easy.

The important thing in my situation - whilst I felt the way I did - was I didn't have the decision to file on my shoulders. Being able to live with that decision and feeling at peace that you truly gave an important relationship and situation your all is so important.

I hope you don't mind me saying that there does seem to be a note of anger and dismissiveness in your posts. One thing I think it is important to think about is - yes she made the mistake of cheating, and yes she realised the mistake and did all she could to put that right. We can't unring that bell once it has rung, but we can do all that it takes to try and heal ourselves and help our partner heal too.

From what you post, she has done all of that, so is it more that you have found it hard to forgive and move past what happened? What more could she have done for you and for your marriage?

Also, I think the single most important thing about moving on from a R is also learning the lessons from it. And normally those lessons relate to ourselves and how we manage ourselves and our relationships with others. Can I ask what you feel you have learned about yourself that you can take forward into a possible new R?

Finally, I would say if you have decided to proceed with D, I hope you will give yourself plenty of time to heal, learn and healthily move on from that R. I have chosen not to date until a year after our D finalised, and I don't regret the wait....there is plenty of life to be lived without a new partner in the mix after all...

I hope you don't mind me posting these thoughts. I've been through the same awfulness of betrayal, though didn't get the chance to try and rebuild - so I understand how difficult it may have been for you..and feel free to discard anything you don't find useful..

smile


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Originally Posted By: BluWave
What is her position right now? What is she asking for?


More time. More IC/MC. Convinced we're still soul mates. The fact she still uses that term makes me question if she's learned anything from all this. I know I have. I fear she's going to waste energy that could best be spent moving forward in a different path than I am. That's why if she shows up here the best advice anyone could give her is to let it go and move on. Detach, GAL, move on. That's what I did. DB'ing saved me even if my M couldn't be saved. That's the point, I think.



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I can honestly say, that there are many people on these boards that wish their W's wanted to heal and rebuild their R, but as many have said on here..."you" will have to decide what you want when and if they come out of the fog. You have made your decision and just as she will, you will have to live with those consequences.

I know that I, for one, wish that I even had a chance to try and make things work with my W who I have known for 25+ years. Yours seems to be there, but I don't know all of the dynamics either. I have never strayed from our MR, but I know I am not perfect by far. It takes two to make something work for sure. If you are out then you are out.

Texas is a big place and I am sure that there are many fish in the sea for us all, but I also know that I made a commitment to my W...that was for better or worse. It didn't specify what the worst part would be, so I figure you & I are probably in it right now. I wish you the best, but remember that forgiveness goes both ways. I mean, she needs you to forgive her for her betrayal, just as much as you have a need to forgive her. One day maybe you will get there.

God speed my friend...I will keep you in my prayers for your own peace!


Me 49 W46
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S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
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Tex,

I won't pretend to know much, I still need almost daily guidance from the awesome vets here. But I do know about forgiveness and what you describe is not forgiveness. I recommend watching "The power of forgiveness" a TED talk by Sammy Rangel. Seriously. I was lucky to come across it.

Hope you and your W find some peace.


M-32 W-32 (both military)
T-8 M-6
PA Oct/Nov 16 (happened twice)
Discovered PA 11/30/16
S 12/1/16
MC 12/1/16 - 1/18/17
BD 1/18/17
A continues? 1/24/17 texts resume with W & OM
W Filed 3/8/17
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Tx

here are 2 questions I just want to ask, (and I'm assuming everything you say is true.)


You mention turning 50, which is when a lot of MLCs or WAS's act out.

Ever wonder if you guys had some issues, and maybe you needed an excuse to quit & explore, and she gave it to you?

Your signature says the grass is greener where you water it, but aren't you kind of saying the opposite?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Thanks for posting this Tx. There is so much that resonates with me in this thread and gave me so much pause in reading it and then thinking over my current situation.

My wife is in an active PA right now and I would consider myself fortunate if she would eventually break it off and we could give MC a try. Even if we reached D after MC that would be infinitely better than filing during the A. I have a fear right now of not reaching any closure on our marriage of 25 years if we go straight to D.

And yes I agree that I married her for better or for worse. I am deeply into a 'for worse' that I never ever imagined could take place and I'm not at a point of giving up either even though she has treated me far worse than I could ever imagine and it continues.

Having said that, I feel I could still forgive like you but I want to get to the point where I can evaluate if I can move forward even in a tainted relationship and with a spouse that has the capability of such selfishness that I never realized she possessed. This is not the person I knew 4 months ago.


Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs
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ILYBNILWY 1/30/17
PA confronted 3/6/17
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I understand forgiveness. I completely forgive her for the past. I hope she moves on and has a wonderful life. I hope she finds true happiness. I really do. I plan on doing the same thing. I've been seeing professional counselors for 4 years now. Everything I'm planning comes with the blessing of the IC and MC. I'm not in any type of fog, I just don't want to continue this marriage. Nothing wrong with that.



The future is as bright as you demand it be.
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