WW won't separate

[resolut]

Just because she refuses to separate doesn't mean you don't separate. You get a say in this too. In fact, you get all the say. You just need to realize that.

I do and it may come to that. I'm not the one leaving the house.

She just doesn't have the money to get her own place as a SAHM. That just leaves her AP to pay for it. She's in a pickle right now.

[resolut]

Did you avoid conflicts in the past, or would it be totally new behavior? Yes, it is walking on eggshells. How do you see it as being within the scope of the 37 rules?

I would say that I didn't go out of my way to avoid conflicts in the past but sometimes. I took my share of verbal beatings from her for sure. Arguing is not what she states our issues were in the marriage prior to the A. She says I never could "see" who she really is and that my actions constantly shamed her. Maybe there is some to that and I am willing to own up to it. Some of it might just be to shame me right now and hurt me. I'm more than willing to unpack her feelings though within MC but of course the A would have to end and she would need to ask me to come to reconciliation.

I think I'm trying hard on rules 19 and 21.

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

[Cristy]

My final thoughts are with my children. I'm willing to put up with this pain right now because I know the fallout of a divorce is going to be so destructive on their lives for reasons I won't go into. I'm holding on for now to see if perhaps the A will take a turn or she brings us into divorce mediation.

Hello resolut,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Be cautious regarding telling the children. Michele has an excellent article that I'm happy to send you, no charge.

Please call or email me if you would like the link to the article.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[TxHubby]

Just because she refuses to separate doesn't mean you don't separate. You get a say in this too. In fact, you get all the say. You just need to realize that.

I do and it may come to that. I'm not the one leaving the house.

She just doesn't have the money to get her own place as a SAHM. That just leaves her AP to pay for it. She's in a pickle right now.

A pickle she put herself in and is 100% responsible for. Actions have consequences. Imagine that. You stay strong and firm on your boundaries. If she can't afford to take the kids on her own then she can leave without them and they stay with you. Problem solved.

[resolut]

A pickle she put herself in and is 100% responsible for. Actions have consequences. Imagine that. You stay strong and firm on your boundaries. If she can't afford to take the kids on her own then she can leave without them and they stay with you. Problem solved.

Yes thanks for saying that. I met with an attorney a couple of weeks ago and started putting together my plan. Our big problem is that with one income we will be financially devastated from a divorce.

This morning I woke up early and took a walk in the neighborhood. It is a brilliant, sunny day here. I'm feeling strong. I wish every day could feel like this because I know the are dark ones coming that I will need to stay strong during.

[doodler]

Our big problem is that with one income we will be financially devastated from a divorce.

resolut,

This is when the fun begins. You'll need to do a little shopping. Get a nice cutlery set with some big knives. Go to Home Depot or Lowe's and get come large contractors garbage bags, a large tarp, and some painter's rags.

Go home and create a letter from a fictitious insurance salesman/saleswoman thanking you for the recent purchase of a term life insurance policy for your wife valued at $2 million. Put the new cutlery set on the kitchen counter. Leave the tarp, rags and garbage bags in the garage (in plain sight). Put the thank you note somewhere that she'll find it, but not out in the open.

Once everything is all set, sit back and have some fun with it. These opportunities don't come around often.

[resolut]

@doodler - your post is very ironic in my situation. I thought I was in a long-term, committed relationship with my wife for 25 years and as such I made certain financial decisions for myself, her, the children. None of those decisions involved divorcing at this point and having to split my income for two households.

Its kind of like the question someone asked in another thread about whether or not you would date someone that you knew would betray you much, much later. Well, here I am 25 years into a marriage after working endlessly to provide for my family, take risks, burn the midnight oil, occasionally miss events with the kids for work, etc, etc, and I've been betrayed. Would I do it all again? Yes I would for my kids one thousand times over. The harder question is in forgiveness of the WW. Can I forgive? Was it all for nothing for her? I'm struggling deeply right now in all of these long-term decisions and things that have played out over 25 years and just changed in so little time when her AP showed up and the PA took off like wildfire.

What burns so badly is her attitude of feeling 'entitled' to everything.

[doodler]

resolut,

There's a quirky romantic comedy titled "About Time." It's an ok movie, but the underlying philosophy is really good (in doodler's opinion). All we have is the life that we've got, so we have to make the best of it regardless of what comes our way. I think that's easy to do, but we spend so much time fighting it rather than going with the flow.

[sandi2]

I would say that I didn't go out of my way to avoid conflicts in the past but sometimes. I took my share of verbal beatings from her for sure.

The way I am reading that statement is she was verbally mean, maybe said nasty things about you. If a W treats her H in this manner.....she is disrespecting him. The louder and uglier her words, the worse her disrespect runs (IMHO). For either spouse to verbally beat up the other one.....it's abuse and it cuts deeply. If you shouted at her or called her names, etc.....then you were guilty of doing the same thing. If you said nothing, or just walked away......I doubt it gained much respect from her, but it may have temporarily stopped an argument.

Disrespect is one of the major issues with a wayward wife. If the H takes verbal abuse, or any other outward signs of her disrespect.....he is helping to dig the marital grave deeper. Once the WW's respect for her H is gone, her loving feelings go with it. He cannot get her respect by showing signs of weakness (or rather, what she sees as being weak in him). Women are attracted to men who demonstrate (inner) strength and who command respect. A muscled up guy is only physically attractive, but we gals need a man who has more than just physical strength. At least, stronger than we are...and we will test him to check that strength and see if he'll stand up to us.

In my WW days, my H could work all day at cleaning house, cooking, etc.....but I didn't respect him, so I did not feel full appreciation for his acts of service. A WW has so much resentment toward her H (usually about things in the past) that it pretty much overrides everything else. That's why it bothers me when I read where LBH's are doing stuff trying to appease their WW and keep her off his back.....however, the more he tries to do for her, the more disrespect she seems to hold for him. If the tables were turned, she would not put up with it for a minute.

I think I'm trying hard on rules 19 and 21.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. (I don't want to sound as if I am contradicting that statement, however, these are simply bullet points and not a lot of explanation. As the faithful spouse, you do not have to act as if you are thrilled with the wayward spouse's decisions and/or behavior. It means you should show an inner happiness, peacefulness, and confidence that says you will be just fine....with or without her. Instead of showing what you might be feeling emotionally, you present yourself as being in control of your emotions. Instead of falling apart in front of the WW and kids, you present yourself as having calmness, steadiness, balance, firmness, and consistency. You are going forward and enjoying life, with or without your WW. You are not wringing your hands, showing a sad face, crying, begging, threatening, or showing fear of your wayward spouse). This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. (The WW usually expects to see her H crushed at losing her. In fact, they often whine if they think the H acts too happy. :/) Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. (How do you show a wayward wife a man she would want to be around all the time, especially if she doesn't respect you? How are you attractive and fun?) That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

#19 could be misunderstood by eager LBH's who are desperate to save his M, and think he is suppose to be a "yes dear" kind of H, who jumps through rings of fire to impress the W. Actually, the fastest way to say it is to be the man you were before marriage....or become better. Be your own man! Men's ideas of what a wife wants in a H is usually so out of line with what really attracts her, that he reads #19 as some excuse to be her puppet, her free employee, and her entertainer.

21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

When you lose your cool, you give away your power. A WW will try to pull the H into a relationship talk or an argument by pushing his buttons. However, he should remain in control of himself and not argue with her (it takes two people to argue), and yes.....walk away, rather than fight. Just don't walk away out of fear. Let me add something else. If a boundary about verbal assault has not been established, it is absolutely necessary. The H should not wait until she begins an argument to state his boundary. When things are calm, he should state his boundary about verbal abuse (especially when it's around the kids). Then the next time she starts......he enforces the boundary by some action.

And example: The family is having dinner at a restaurant. The WW begins speaking disrespectfully to her H, arguing, etc. The H gets the kids and leaves his WW sitting at the table alone, while he takes the kids to have dinner somewhere else. The only thing he says to his WW is, "I will not tolerate disrespect in front of others". He leaves and she has to get home the best way she can.

Another example: The family is watching TV and she begins to hammer her H in front of the children. He immediately says, "Come on kids, we're going out", and he leaves her home alone while taking the kids for ice cream, or whatever, and he does not respond to her calls/texting or tell her where they are going....except to say "out".

Of course, you could do like a former member, who had a W slamming cabinet doors and told her if she continued he would prepare to take steps in separating or filing for D. (A bit tough for slamming doors, but I suppose he'd had enough of it.

My examples may not be the best, but they are only examples to give you an idea how a boundary is enforced. You can't enforce boundaries by talking. There has to be some sort of action if they are not honored.

[resolut]

@Sandi2
There was so much in your response that I am taking in, but I want to focus on what you wrote here.

Disrespect is one of the major issues with a wayward wife. If the H takes verbal abuse, or any other outward signs of her disrespect.....he is helping to dig the marital grave deeper. Once the WW's respect for her H is gone, her loving feelings go with it. He cannot get her respect by showing signs of weakness (or rather, what she sees as being weak in him). Women are attracted to men who demonstrate (inner) strength and who command respect. A muscled up guy is only physically attractive, but we gals need a man who has more than just physical strength. At least, stronger than we are...and we will test him to check that strength and see if he'll stand up to us.

I really feel this that I have lost my place of power and respect of my wife in the marriage since the PA was outed. I think one shift back in my favor was when she left the MBR. Another shift would be to have her move out but we're not to that point yet. I REALLY don't want to be seen by her as weak because I am not. There are obvious times when I have totally slipped up and reached for her for a hug or a loving touch that are both so unwanted. I'm sure she sees me as weak at those times. They are happening far less frequently than at the beginning but I am human. They're happening less frequently because I am falling out of love with her and that tractor beam of attraction is almost gone.

It would be good to have some help on some specific 180's that I can use to not be perceived as weak. I think that my wife very much values inner strength within a man. I had/have this but as the years went by and we became so familiar with each other and just attached spouses, that inner strength may have been difficult to see. She went out and saw that in her AP. Maybe this just surfaces naturally from being active in GAL tactics?

And yes she carries a tremendous amount of hurt and resentment from the past. These are the things she pulls out of thin air when we get into a heated discussion. I get blind-sided when she hits me with these things in a discussion and I totally lose my focus because they are unexpected, mean and hurtful. I have a lot of difficulty handling these situations and they derail our conversations that might otherwise be productive.

The man I was before the marriage was 20 years old! That person was so carefree and full of youth. How can I be that now? Again its more about discovering who I am now without her at 46 through GAL.