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Let her move out and work on yourself. She will find out the grass isn't greener and the two of them can not survive on his social security benefits. You then can decide if you want her back.

LH19 #2738652 04/12/17 10:43 AM
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Originally Posted By: LH19
Let her move out and work on yourself. She will find out the grass isn't greener and the two of them can not survive on his social security benefits. You then can decide if you want her back.


Yes thank you. This is how I am feeling right now. I'm relieved and looking forward to going dark once she is out of the house.

And yes to the other suggestion of no financial support.


Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs
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Have you set goals about working on yourself?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Yes. I have been working out, lost 15 pounds and am training to do a 5k. I'm playing a team sport with other men once a week.

I'm also working on my relationship with God and trying to learn to pray. More than anything I have been doing this has been the most helpful.

I'm also going to start working with my counselor to reflect on my personality traits and considering how I might improve if i end up moving on someday to another relationship.

In the meantime my situation hasn't changed all that much. My wife has left the MBR but this only works when my son is away at college. He'll be home for the entire summer soon so she won't have anyplace to sleep except with me.

The children haven't been told anything.

I met with an attorney to represent me once we start mediation. Essentially we will be financially ruined after a divorce. My wife was taken aback that I met with an attorney and wondering why I want to push things along so fast!?!? Ugh

I told her this isn't what I want but I'm taking steps to move on. She is still dragging her feet and its more apparent than ever that she is cake eating.

I'm thinking of meeting with a DB counselor as well to help suggest more 180's and coach me through standing up to her, hit me with a 2x4, etc. I'd like to read the DR book. I just wish it was on Kindle. It would be hard to conceal it and try to read it.


Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs
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PA confronted 3/6/17
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Just a few updates for me. I have decided to meet with a DB counselor.

I'm going back to taking things slow which I hope is part of the 37 rules. I'm not initiating topics that could easily turn into arguments. What is the point? I am just focusing on my own life and the kids. There are plenty of gray areas in this but I'm so tired of getting into conversations that just repeat themselves and me trying to re-explain things over and over.


Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs
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Sounds like you are heading in the right direction.

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Quote:
I am just focusing on my own life and the kids. There are plenty of gray areas in this but I'm so tired of getting into conversations that just repeat themselves and me trying to re-explain things over and over.


This is a behavior that seems to be common with some (not all) LBH's, especially those with the NGS. Some W bullies her H by means of her every changing mood swings. He walks around on eggshells trying not to say or do something to set her off. When she starts blasting away at him, he tries "explaining" things to her. However, she doesn't want an explanation.......b/c she wants to blast him.

I'm not sure what you mean by taking things slow. Can you explain? smile


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Quote:
I'm not sure what you mean by taking things slow. Can you explain?


By taking things slow I mean I'm avoiding conflicts. There are plenty of things I could call her out on but I've just avoiding. I guess this is walking on eggshells but still seems to be within the scope of the 37 rules.

Part of me thinks what is the rush of starting mediation on the divorce. I could push her into it. I could file tomorrow. She says there is no hope for the marriage. My behavior drove her into the A. She's never loved me. Blah. Blah. I don't believe any of it and think she is either justifying her actions or just trying to hurt me.

So I'm living with a woman that is in an active A. She is cake eating. Short of death of a spouse or family member, it may be the worst place to be. But I'm going to continue to follow the 37 rules in hopes that her affair comes to an end in some way. I'd rather end the marriage through MC than have it be dissolved now while the affair is active. I have definitely fallen out of love with her at this point.

Also, sandi2 a lot of what you are saying applies to me. Now when my W and I have a disagreement she brings so much ammunition into the argument that is purely unnecessary. Here I have to keep DB'ing and not fall for escalating and engaging with her. When both parties agree the marriage is basically over it seems ridiculous to argue over small things doesn't it? At this point we're just on the same terms as co-workers.

My final thoughts are with my children. I'm willing to put up with this pain right now because I know the fallout of a divorce is going to be so destructive on their lives for reasons I won't go into. I'm holding on for now to see if perhaps the A will take a turn or she brings us into divorce mediation.


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Just because she refuses to separate doesn't mean you don't separate. You get a say in this too. In fact, you get all the say. You just need to realize that.



The future is as bright as you demand it be.
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Quote:
By taking things slow I mean I'm avoiding conflicts. There are plenty of things I could call her out on but I've just avoiding. I guess this is walking on eggshells but still seems to be within the scope of the 37 rules.


Did you avoid conflicts in the past, or would it be totally new behavior? Yes, it is walking on eggshells. How do you see it as being within the scope of the 37 rules?

Quote:
Also, sandi2 a lot of what you are saying applies to me. Now when my W and I have a disagreement she brings so much ammunition into the argument that is purely unnecessary. Here I have to keep DB'ing and not fall for escalating and engaging with her. When both parties agree the marriage is basically over it seems ridiculous to argue over small things doesn't it? At this point we're just on the same terms as co-workers.


Here's the thing about the mindset of a wayward wife.....she does not use logic. She operates out of her emotions, and she is motivated by her selfishness.

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I'm holding on for now to see if perhaps the A will take a turn or she brings us into divorce mediation.


Do you see this ^^^^^ being a passive position?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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