Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 10 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
KevinIn,

I was dreading my wife's move out day because I thought I'd be sad and lonely. As it turned out, I was actually able to get stuff done. It was so cool. I was sad that he boys weren't always with me, but life was good without all of the egg shells lying around.

Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 289
K
KevinIn Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 289
Its going to be hardest on the kids, who we are telling this weekend. Its going to break D6's heart. As i posted yesterday, I'm done trying and caring about saving the marriage. I tried for 5 months. Maybe this is the final thing i need to fully detach.


M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6
11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA
Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing
1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break
2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing
2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 115
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 115
Originally Posted By: KevinIn

It all happened super fast with me. Just 6 months ago we were happily married (or i thought we were). She never gave us a chance once she told me of her affair. Oh well. Her loss. Someone elses gain. Its my kids that will suffer the most.


This is almost the exact same situation that I am in. My wife's affair has been going on since late Dec and she never gave me a chance once it started and I discovered it out of the blue. She refuses even discernment counseling. The affair is still active and we're in limbo with her still living with me, just not in the MBR which she finally moved out of.

I'm not forcing this into mediation yet but I'm not holding out any hope of us reconciling either. I kick myself sometimes for not being much more forceful when it first started and telling her to end it or move out but then what good what it have done and do I really want this person anymore?

So I am just waiting and it is mostly for the sake of my kids. Waiting that possibly she'll give up on her AP and perhaps we could try MC.


Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs
4 children
ILYBNILWY 1/30/17
PA confronted 3/6/17
Separated same house
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
Originally Posted By: resolut
I kick myself sometimes for not being much more forceful when it first started and telling her to end it or move out but then what good what it have done and do I really want this person anymore?


Same here. After I discovered my wife had been texting the OM all day while we were at Disney World with the boys, I was going to tell (not ask) my wife that I wanted a divorce. After the boys went to sleep, we went outside and talked about it. She told me they were just friends and I was overreacting (it was a much longer conversation than that). I believed her. I was such a dumb@ass.

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 115
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 115
I hope I'm not hijacking this thread, but I guess what I'm trying to say is the only woman I want back is the one that doesn't want the affair and wants to reconcile with me. I have little hope that I'll ever get that woman back.


Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs
4 children
ILYBNILWY 1/30/17
PA confronted 3/6/17
Separated same house
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 289
K
KevinIn Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 289
Originally Posted By: resolut
I hope I'm not hijacking this thread

You aren't. This is definitely on topic.

Originally Posted By: resolut
I guess what I'm trying to say is the only woman I want back is the one that doesn't want the affair and wants to reconcile with me. I have little hope that I'll ever get that woman back.

That is the only woman i want back as well. It took me a while to realize the woman I loved is completely gone. Now that I know it, i realize she isn't coming back and i don't want to be married to the current version of my kid's mom. See what i did with my words there?


M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6
11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA
Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing
1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break
2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing
2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,045
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,045
Originally Posted By: KevinIn
Until now, i've been a good person about it and negotiated "fair" compromises. But, since she's the one ending our marriage and continuing her affair, I'm going to push for more than half of everything.

No one is going to look after you except for yourself.

That said, why do you think you deserve 'more than half'?

Originally Posted By: KevinIn
I also really just want to tell her off. She deserves to hear it. But, i'll probably wait until after I have signed custody and asset agreements. I just gotta stay nice until then, while also pushing for whats in my best interest.

What do you have to gain by 'telling her off'?

What are your goals? And how does this get you closer to them?

Regardless of whether or not you want to R, I dont see how doing this is good for anyone.

Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 289
K
KevinIn Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 289

Kaizen - fair questions. Just a few weeks ago, i would have had very different responses. But, now i'm in a different place that isn't nearly as positive about my future relationship with my wife (married or otherwise).

Originally Posted By: Kaizen
Originally Posted By: KevinIn
Until now, i've been a good person about it and negotiated "fair" compromises. But, since she's the one ending our marriage and continuing her affair, I'm going to push for more than half of everything.

No one is going to look after you except for yourself.

That said, why do you think you deserve 'more than half'?

Why not? Doesn't hurt to ask for it. She's getting what she wants - out of the marriage. I might as well get something I want - more than half.


Originally Posted By: Kaizen
Originally Posted By: KevinIn
I also really just want to tell her off. She deserves to hear it. But, i'll probably wait until after I have signed custody and asset agreements. I just gotta stay nice until then, while also pushing for whats in my best interest.

What do you have to gain by 'telling her off'? Personal satisfaction.

What are your goals? For my kids and I to have happy lives. And how does this get you closer to them? It will make me feel better - i've been nice about this situation too long and I need to express my feelings.

Regardless of whether or not you want to R, I dont see how doing this is good for anyone. It probably isn't, but neither was her affair.


M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6
11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA
Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing
1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break
2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing
2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,045
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 2,045
Originally Posted By: KevinIn
now i'm in a different place that isn't nearly as positive about my future relationship with my wife (married or otherwise).

Im not sure what that has to do with DBing or your comments below.

Originally Posted By: Kaizen

That said, why do you think you deserve 'more than half'?

Why not? Doesn't hurt to ask for it. She's getting what she wants - out of the marriage. I might as well get something I want - more than half.

I suppose not. Why do you think she deserves less than half of the marital assets? To me, it reads like you deserve some kind of monetary reward for the damage to your ego or self esteem. Im certainly not a lawyer, but I cant imagine asking for more than half.

Originally Posted By: Kaizen
What do you have to gain by 'telling her off'? Personal satisfaction.

Personal satisfaction in saying hurtful things to someone else?

Originally Posted By: Kaizen
What are your goals? For my kids and I to have happy lives. And how does this get you closer to them? It will make me feel better - i've been nice about this situation too long and I need to express my feelings.

Why do you think you will feel better for more than just a few minutes/hours/days?
This sounds like, again, you just want to inflict some damage as retribution for what you have experienced. Hurt people hurt people. How about instead of telling her off, you use that energy to heal yourself?

Originally Posted By: Kaizen
Regardless of whether or not you want to R, I dont see how doing this is good for anyone. It probably isn't, but neither was her affair.

So because you feel you were wronged, you deserve to be able to do or say whatever you want?

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
+1 Kaizen.

Kevin, all you are doing is showing WAW that you are a controlling manipulative bastard. Controlling because clearly the moment you decide you can't get what you want when you want it (her ending the affair and running back to you) you start behaving totally differently, making everything else you did or said after bomb drop an act designed to manipulate her back into the marriage. And now that tactic isn't working you are going to try to hurt her as deeply as you can for hurting you.

If she's telling her friends that you're an abusive monster and she needs to get away from you I'm afraid you're not doing much to challenge that.

Look- what's right is right. Regardless of what your WAW does. Whether or not she acts destructively or hurts you it isn't right to try to hurt her verbally or financially. Those aren't things good people do. You don't get to compare your behavior to hers to make it 'less bad' or justify it because you were only reacting to anger and she 'made you do it'. No. These are your choices, and if you choose to follow through on this I am sorry that's the example you choose to set for your children and that they have to live in the fallout that will be caused by the escalated tension.

Of course it's not too late to let that post just be you blowing off some steam and making some course corrections. Nothing wrong with being done holding out hope. But I've always believed that 'giving up on the marriage' emotionally shouldn't really result in any change in behavior. You still have a responsibility to be a good man.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Page 6 of 10 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard