I definitely understand your problems. In my case we haven't been sexual in several months. Plus I know there is an emotional affair and possible physical affair going on. She has me so confused. I have been trying to keep minimal contact and not initiate any but she comes around to me or sends texts at work or even calls with really nothing important to talk about. I'm not sure if she is trying to be open up to me slowly or if she is feeding me crumbs to keep me around. I must say though it has been very nice and comforting in the house lately. She hasn't said anything about separation or divorce.
Ok. So I realize now the mistakes I have been currently making because I wasn't really willing to completely distance myself from my wife. I am going to try to proceed with detachment and just focus on myself and my children. I am going to read up on this site about proceeding down this path. If anyone has any suggestions I am open to ideas. This wasn't an easy decision for me but I need to break free of the fear of losing my W because I am finally understanding that I already have lost her.
This wasn't an easy decision for me but I need to break free of the fear of losing my W because I am finally understanding that I already have lost her.
PEW1974,
Yes! I think that's the key to all the DB stuff; lose the fear and move on with your life (and build a great life). Good for you.
Thanks doodler. I am going to give it a try. I realize now that I have been analyzing and counting all the little breadcrumbs she has been throwing in my direction but with no real change. I realize it is probably just a ploy to keep me interested. I am going to mentally put my foot down and not fall for these games anymore. I will continue to be calm, attentive and understanding when she interacts with me but I will no longer initiate any contact. I did notice that when I was trying this in the beginning she would come by me to see what I was doing. I am slowly getting to the point that I am unsure if I can wait out the affair or her to change her mind. I will not put my hopes on anything changing and just accept what is currently happening.
So I have pulled back today and haven't texted my W and she has called me 3 times about nothing really. I was short with my answers and told her I was busy at work. It is very unusual for her.
Thank you. It is hard and sometimes I think I make mistakes. Last night she comes to me after I work out and shower and asks me to rub her shoulders. So I did for about 30 min. Should I have not done that?
My W texted me twice again this morning. I have been polite and brief with responses. I am not initiating contact but am responding with briefly and sincerely when she initiates. I no this goes against going dark and NC but one of her complaints was that I was emotionally absent and unresponsive for the last 2 years. I figured if I try these methods full speed I will only continue this pattern of bad behavior. Does any of this make sense or am I continually making rookie mistakes?
My W texted me twice again this morning. I have been polite and brief with responses. I am not initiating contact but am responding with briefly and sincerely when she initiates. I no this goes against going dark and NC but one of her complaints was that I was emotionally absent and unresponsive for the last 2 years. I figured if I try these methods full speed I will only continue this pattern of bad behavior. Does any of this make sense or am I continually making rookie mistakes?
PEW1974,
When a third party is introduced into a marriage, it changes the marital dynamics. That's true even if you don't know the third party exists. Your wife tells you that you were emotionally absent and unresponsive, and you may have been, but it may not have been your fault. Just sayin...
It seems like what you're doing is working. Your wife is afraid she may be losing Plan B (i.e. losing you). You want to keep her there. I'm terrible at DB, so keep that in mind, but in your situation, I would be somewhat aloof and unresponsive (i.e. mysterious). Do some GAL activities without her; don't always be available.
