Hey guys, My wife on March 28th told me the dreaded "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" since then I have been doing the typical begging pleading etc. as of about a week ago I have stopped that and did a complete 180, I have given her the space to think, and have started to work on myself. a little backstory. Early on in our marriage I had an indiscretion with my Ex wife. nothing physical happened, she messaged me inappropriate things and I fed into it. After our divorce I was hurt, lonely, etc. But realized that I never really loved her. when she messaged me it was like I had the power and wanted her to hurt as bad as I did. So I lead her on. My now wife caught me, twice at this. once with pictures. We met up on two occasions. both non sexual, simple small talk really but still not right. she did try to kiss me, lips touched but I pulled away immediately.
I thought we had worked through it as it was 5+ years ago now. but it is coming back with a vengeance.
fast forward to now. She has stated that I don't listen, after some serious hard looks at myself she is right. I have since started to let her voice her opinion and views without me giving my two cents.
I am not emotionally available, so I have started to open up to her.
I have anger issues, I get angry quickly. I am going to therapy and starting to get back on my medication (diagnosed Bi-polar)
I had found that she has been talking to a few men online sending inappropriate messages back and forth. She has since stopped this. but it was a severe setback. I found the guy and was going to message him but thought better of it.
I told her parents about her messaging other men....I know that was wrong now.
We are currently separated, and starting to communicate now. both in therapy.
At first I was taking the advice from her family, wrong thing to do as it set us back sooo many times. now I have decided to follow what my heart tells me is right, the last two days have been amazing, I was invited to dinner, we laughed, talked etc. I was allowed to stay over as well. we have even started to open up together about the issues at hand. She told the therapist that on a scale of 0-10 her want to fix the marriage was a 4, yesterday she said she raised it to a 5!
Am I holding on to false hope that this is good?
I sent her a text saying that we shouldn't communicate but for one day a week. she expressed that this was a terrible idea, so for now I am letting her be the one to instigate all conversation.
We have been married for a little over 8 years two beautiful children S-6 D-4
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you Cadet, I have read and re-read most of that! Got some great insight as to a direction to go. and purchased the books from Michelle. they should be here next Tuesday, I live in the middle of nowhere.
I'm sorry you're here. I don't think it's false hope; I think it's a good thing. Just keep in mind that there's probably a lot of work ahead and you'll probably experience some bad days as well.
But, what I really want to know is, do you have a 70 Cuda? Does it have a 440 hemi?
I know there are bad days ahead, I expect many of them....I am in this for the long haul! this woman is the love of my life, my soulmate. Even she admits that when we are together we level each other.
Yes I have a 70 cuda that I am in the midst of restoring. It has a 440 but will be stroked to a 512.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
She already knows about this site. I don't hide anything from her. Really this is just for support and advice when needed. None of the conventional methods I have tried worked. but doing it my own way yielded the best results by far!
...but doing it my own way yielded the best results by far!
70Cuda,
I completely understand. Once you've got a handle on the situation, you've got to make your own decisions and take you own path. I think that's a real sign of strength.
She already knows about this site. I don't hide anything from her. Really this is just for support and advice when needed. None of the conventional methods I have tried worked. but doing it my own way yielded the best results by far!
Sorry you're here, but this ^^ means you get it. Its by doing the heavy lifting yourself on your own terms for you that things turn around. Does not guaranty anything in your M, but does put you in the best position for yourself.
Best of luck.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
She already knows about this site. I don't hide anything from her. Really this is just for support and advice when needed. None of the conventional methods I have tried worked. but doing it my own way yielded the best results by far!
If you ever played a team sport and showed the opposing team your playbook this is the handicap you are now working with.
Part of the point is that some times a little mystery is a good thing.
What kind or rumors? Yes, there will be setbacks, but how you handle them is critical.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
so question on this, is it a good idea that every time I am offered to go to dinner or "hang out" I do? It will definitely be hard not to. And as long as when we do she opens up a bit I don't see any harm because real communication happens then.
I'm new to all of this and have already messed up repeatedly so any opinions help.
Messing up is totally normal in all this. Learning from how you have messed up and correcting that behavior is most important. If you have opportunities, you should take them. It gives you more opportunities to do good or to mess up. You learn from both.
Hope this helps.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
So last night she invited me to dinner. we had a good time. went "home" and hung out for quite a bit. We went to bed, she got a message on Instagram from one of the guys (although she did tell this one that he was being inappropriate) and refused to open it saying "it isn't a big deal". I was a little too insistent on seeing it. the message was a harmless one. It has been shown for a while that he is just a friend but I still am leery. after this blowup I went to the guest room. she let me back in after an hour but was cold. distant. and did not want to talk about it at all! That was fine, as long as she didn't tell me not to cuddle her at that time.
Today she is disinterested in seeing me, and spending time together. I understand that she is mad, but I find it difficult that she doesn't see why I acted the way that I did. I am hurting too, but I also understand that in order to do a 180 and get her back to me this is going to be a whole lot more of giving in a sense than receiving. (I say giving but that doesn't necessarily mean physical items, etc. this includes giving her her space even though it is killing me....Letting her vent on me and not putting my thoughts in, she doesn't need that right now. Not touching her even though I desperately want/need affection too)
She has still told me that she loves me....so there is some hope, false hope maybe but hope nonetheless
I do expect setbacks, this one wasn't as bad as some of the ones that we have had since the start. so I have faith that it will bounce back. the two worst setbacks happened back to back, When I told her parents about her indiscretions (they were going for a "girls weekend" that was also supposed to be an intervention of sorts, Their idea, and I thought it was in best interest that if this was going to happen that they were equipped with all the information, not bits and pieces.) and the point at which I found the guy, I tried to friend him on Facebook and Instagram, I found his wife etc. I don't know what I was going to do with it.....More than likely nothing, but she found out that I had done this and was more than upset with it. But we bounced back somewhat!
She doesn't want to bring up the past right now because it is too much to handle. Hopefully the therapist can help with this?
It is soooo hard to give her the space that she requires. I think I had somewhat of an epiphany yesterday. I am hurting, depressed, anxious, etc because I want to see her, hold her, kiss her, tell her that I love her and everything is going to be ok. but she is depressed anxious etc and doesn't want to see me, nor have the affection right now. so this butting of heads is causing more and more conflict. I need to work on giving her the space at the right time! let her be the one to come to me for attention, not me go basically begging and asking for it!
I may come across on here as someone that doesn't care to fix this but it is because I am blunt, to the point.
It is soooo hard to give her the space that she requires. I think I had somewhat of an epiphany yesterday. I am hurting, depressed, anxious, etc because I want to see her, hold her, kiss her, tell her that I love her and everything is going to be ok. but she is depressed anxious etc and doesn't want to see me, nor have the affection right now. so this butting of heads is causing more and more conflict. I need to work on giving her the space at the right time! let her be the one to come to me for attention, not me go basically begging and asking for it!
I may come across on here as someone that doesn't care to fix this but it is because I am blunt, to the point.
Try to stop looking over your shoulder at her, to see if something is "working" ...
Do you open the lid on your washing machine every 5 minutes to see if your clothes are clean ?
good point. I have never thought of it that way, I just stopped asking if something is working.
Also I think disconnecting somewhat with her and letting her have the space she needs will help with my problems as well. I won't worry so much about it. I won't have to know what she is thinking about the progress all the time.
good point. I have never thought of it that way, I just stopped asking if something is working.
Also I think disconnecting somewhat with her and letting her have the space she needs will help with my problems as well. I won't worry so much about it. I won't have to know what she is thinking about the progress all the time.
I think that is the point anyway.
Make sure whatever you do, it is for real, and not just some "ploy" to win her back.
A WAS can smell fake actions like Oprah can smell a Twinkie...
More of a...
I need to detach, so that I have some space and time to really sort things out in my head. I cannot worry about what she is doing, because I have my own set of issues to work through. I need to back away, and figure myself out before I can give that to her anyway. For cryin out loud, I drive a Mopar, and that can't be good...
Understood. We both have inner demons that need dealt with. And everything I have done to this point is real, I don't just want to "win her back" I want her to grow old with me. be my partner for all time. I completely understand that there is ups and downs.
I need a lot of work on myself. Just going through stages right now that are extremely hard for me to deal with.
I suppose in the interest of full disclosure, I was emotionally, physically, verbally and sexually abused as a child. the sexual abuse I have worked through and forgiven the person for. They physical and emotional are another story altogether. I do not talk with my older brother and probably never will because he has disassociated himself from the entire family as "we made everything up".
the emotional abuse was different though. I can count on both hands how many times as a child I was told that I was loved. or that anyone was proud of me. Hugs were non existent, any injuries were dealt with on your own, there was no crying period. I was a boy and that was not allowed. This was consistent not only with my parents, siblings but also with grandparents, aunts uncles etc.
My dad was verbally abusive and emotionally. unfortunately he passed away about the time that all the previous indiscretions were going on. I will never be able to confront him over these and let him know the pain it caused. My mother was always a beat down woman. she usually cowered in the corner so to speak. I really hate it when my wife says she is sorry, or calls me Sir because of this. It wasn't until just before he passed that he started telling us that he loves us. Us as in my siblings and I.
Through my own therapy I am going to be working through this and other issues to help with my inner demons.
I can't think of anything from '70 that I don't like..Mopar or not..
Originally Posted By: 70Cuda
I suppose in the interest of full disclosure, I was emotionally, physically, verbally and sexually abused as a child. the sexual abuse I have worked through and forgiven the person for. They physical and emotional are another story altogether. I do not talk with my older brother and probably never will because he has disassociated himself from the entire family as "we made everything up".
the emotional abuse was different though. I can count on both hands how many times as a child I was told that I was loved. or that anyone was proud of me. Hugs were non existent, any injuries were dealt with on your own, there was no crying period. I was a boy and that was not allowed. This was consistent not only with my parents, siblings but also with grandparents, aunts uncles etc.
PTSD ??
Originally Posted By: 70Cuda
My dad was verbally abusive and emotionally. unfortunately he passed away about the time that all the previous indiscretions were going on. I will never be able to confront him over these and let him know the pain it caused. My mother was always a beat down woman. she usually cowered in the corner so to speak. I really hate it when my wife says she is sorry, or calls me Sir because of this. It wasn't until just before he passed that he started telling us that he loves us. Us as in my siblings and I.
He doesn't have to be around for that ya know...
Grab a beer or two, sit near him and talk it out. Let him know how you feel about it...
Plus, forgiveness isn't for him anyway, it's for you...
met with the counselor today. She said that in just the week since our last visit she can tell a drastic change in me. I am more open, and receptive to things. Very willing to talk about things now. And was surprised by some of my answers. stating that I am at the point of not just wanting to change, but changing for the better. Also to expect some backslides because it is hard to change 31 years of defense mechanisms coming up.
Just wish there was a magic juice, or wand or something to show the W. I know it will take time.....
The better half is still cold, and withdrawn because of the argument last night. She did tell me that she loves me, twice! so that is good! we actually talked about plans to remodel the kitchen next year! possibly another good sign???
we have two "dates" set up this week, one Thursday with the people that heard the rumors that hurt her, and one Saturday for a ball.
She also talked briefly the other day about the possibility of me moving back in before the kids come back (they went to their grandparents while we try to work on things.) that is in 4.5 weeks. so we will see.
That sounds like real progress to me! One thing I find coming up a lot in the books I've read is to make sure as you have this progress you don't start applying pressure by getting over eager. You got this far doing what you are doing, she'll believe the changes in time.
Together 7 years Married 3 Said she was taking long way home late January Left to get some space 2/19/17 BD 3/1/17 ILYB
I am trying really hard not to get eager. When the topic of the future comes up I try to word it to not include "us" nor include individuals. just a generic "the house" not ours or yours. But she is the one saying when we fix up the kitchen, when we restore my pickup (she has a 67 GMC project truck also)
It is so hard to give her the space she needs. but I think I am doing a decent job of it.
But she is the one saying when we fix up the kitchen, when we restore my pickup...
70Cuda,
My wife (now XW) was updating our kitchen and she was planning on giving our master bathroom a facelift as well. And, as far as I know, she was doing all of that while she was planning to separate. I don't understand why she was doing that.
My best guess is that she thought she was going to get the house so she was going to upgrade the house as much as possible while there was still a second income.
True, never thought of it in that light. I don't want to believe she is using me. but it is a very real possibility.
The only thing that I mentioned was that we ought to hold off on larger purchases like that until we are farther along and more sure of what we are going to be doing.
But she is the one saying when we fix up the kitchen, when we restore my pickup...
70Cuda,
My wife (now XW) was updating our kitchen and she was planning on giving our master bathroom a facelift as well. And, as far as I know, she was doing all of that while she was planning to separate. I don't understand why she was doing that.
My best guess is that she thought she was going to get the house so she was going to upgrade the house as much as possible while there was still a second income.
Mine did the same thing...she had all these plans for the house...tile the kitchen, new cabinets, hardwood floors...all that while actively pursuing divorce. And I got the house in the settlement...she stopped talking all that when things were done. Means nothing but that she wanted it for herself.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Mine jumped around like a kid when she found out we had a new house under contract and started texting me pictures of couches and things she wanted to buy for the house. 2 weeks later, she left and I had to cancel the purchase of the house.
Ok, so just a harsh realization that I am being used right now.
I said that we should hold off on large purchases such as that for the time being. I though long and hard about it last night and came up with that is the best course of action.
Maybe you are being used, but maybe not. Everyone's situation does not necessarily mean it will turn out to be yours! That said, I think it's good that you are cautious and not get blindsided. Protect yourself in these unsettling days. Those spouses who've seemingly lost their minds for a season can by very sneaky. I hope yours turns out to be coming from a "together" motive.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
She already knows about this site. I don't hide anything from her. Really this is just for support and advice when needed.
None of the conventional methods I have tried worked. but doing it my own way yielded the best results by far!
Your "own way", versus what? I mean no offense, but hasn't your "own way" gotten you here? DB says at its essence to do what works, (if you know what that is)
monitor for results, change as needed. In a general sense, it's as good as it gets.
It's the 'what will work?" part that gets hard to know
and in terms of implementing your approach, be mindful of trying too many things at once
or not giving a long enough chance to a strategy.
And finally, there are some who pick and choose among different approaches from other sites, and then wonder why "their situation is different,"
(I think they do what they want to do and claim it was the advice they got. I don't know you, but that's what I've seen around kind of a lot. And we are all human so if there are 2 ideas to try and one is easier, we tend to choose the easier one first. )
*If you are going to try the MWD Div Busting approach, then try it without mixing in other opposing approaches.
We advise against sharing this with your spouse b/c we know that every action or behavior you try to change will be seen as a tactic that won't last, instead of authentic change. We give this advice based on more than a hundred thousand posts here...
Is the reason you shared it with her b/c you wanted her to see effort on your end, because you are reading the book?
Are you digging deep within to see what you want to change in Yourself and how you'll heal the anger issues and manage the bi-polar mood swings and the rest?
Wanting to hurt your ex wife at the expense of your present wife, I know it was 5 years ago but that's the type of behavior that reveals some underlying crap you need to own and repair so she feels safer with you emotionally. AND THEN that can prove change is possible so her own work will be more hopeful and likely.
Does that make sense to you?
As for which approach, try DBing OR try a different approach. But mixing them or winging it, or using your emotions to steer you without considering the likely consequences probably helped get you here.
I know one thing for sure, and that's - if you Only focus on her behavior (the wrongness or craziness of it) and not your own stuff in your sandbox, you will not save the marriage and worse, you will not save yourself.
You have things in yourself to work on. Are the medications helping you?
How would you be a different/better h now, than before?
How would the marriage be different or better than before?
If the answers to these 2 ^^ questions are unknown, your task is to change that.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
She already knows about this site. I don't hide anything from her. Really this is just for support and advice when needed.
None of the conventional methods I have tried worked. but doing it my own way yielded the best results by far!
Your "own way", versus what? I mean no offense, but hasn't your "own way" gotten you here?
Very true, But advice from other places has all backfired. I haven't received the book yet, when I do I plan to read it front to back and then again. implement the lessons in it for me. Not for us right now. DB says at its essence to do what works, (if you know what that is)
monitor for results, change as needed. In a general sense, it's as good as it gets.
It's the 'what will work?" part that gets hard to know
and in terms of implementing your approach, be mindful of trying too many things at once
or not giving a long enough chance to a strategy.
And finally, there are some who pick and choose among different approaches from other sites, and then wonder why "their situation is different,"
(I think they do what they want to do and claim it was the advice they got. I don't know you, but that's what I've seen around kind of a lot. And we are all human so if there are 2 ideas to try and one is easier, we tend to choose the easier one first. )
*If you are going to try the MWD Div Busting approach, then try it without mixing in other opposing approaches.
We advise against sharing this with your spouse b/c we know that every action or behavior you try to change will be seen as a tactic that won't last, instead of authentic change. We give this advice based on more than a hundred thousand posts here...
Is the reason you shared it with her b/c you wanted her to see effort on your end, because you are reading the book?
No, the reason I was up front is because in the past honesty was an issue. I am being fully transparent with her. Anything she asks I answer fully and honestly.
Are you digging deep within to see what you want to change in Yourself and how you'll heal the anger issues and manage the bi-polar mood swings and the rest?
In counseling we are digging down now. It will be a process but worth doing for me.
Wanting to hurt your ex wife at the expense of your present wife, I know it was 5 years ago but that's the type of behavior that reveals some underlying crap you need to own and repair so she feels safer with you emotionally. AND THEN that can prove change is possible so her own work will be more hopeful and likely.
Does that make sense to you?
Yes it does. Again through couseling we are dealing with past emotions, and abuses that add up to all of this. I have made some good progress in this as some of it I have dealt with, and talked about to rid myself of the anger from it.
As for which approach, try DBing OR try a different approach. But mixing them or winging it, or using your emotions to steer you without considering the likely consequences probably helped get you here.
I know one thing for sure, and that's - if you Only focus on her behavior (the wrongness or craziness of it) and not your own stuff in your sandbox, you will not save the marriage and worse, you will not save yourself.
You have things in yourself to work on. Are the medications helping you?
I will be seeing the DR on Thursday to reevaluate my medication. will know more after that.
How would you be a different/better h now, than before?
I will listen more without judgment/criticism. control my anger through self awareness and forgiving what happened in the past. Be more affectionate. more open emotionally. Communicate in a better fassion and not let it get to an angry yelling match.
How would the marriage be different or better than before?
We will communicate before the issue gets out of hand. hopefully be more loving and caring for each other. more attentive to each others needs and wants. Listen to each others dreams/ideas. give each other a chance to voice opinion and then come to a common ground together.
If the answers to these 2 ^^ questions are unknown, your task is to change that.
well guys, the W made it pretty clear today that she doesn't give a damn about how I feel nor any emotions I may have....
The counselor got in touch with me because I wrote in my online journal. she was proud that I made the realization of what triggers things. And said that perhaps I should call and share this with the W because I was emotional unavailable to her.
I called her and let her know, the answer I received was a cold callused "OK" and i sat there silent. she asked what more I wanted. I said I didn't expect much but "OK" was a little cold. she then started to raise her voice at me and was saying that is how she felt for 9 years.
I informed her that I didn't call for a fight, just to open up. She just said that "I can't do much over the phone, what do you want me to do" so I said that I had to get back to work. Bye.
Kinda cut and dry if you ask me. I guess the counselor was wrong in that it may help to open up to her.....
I guess as soon as the book gets here I will use it as my guide and try it out.
I see that through this I haven't shown that I do love my wife very much, She is my life. my better half. my soalmate. I pray to God every day that things can and will work out.
that last phone call she did say that she loved me before hanging up. I omitted that.
She is a very loving woman. a great mother and an excellent wife, we are just going through a pretty serious rough patch.
We have been talking, she has really started to open up! She is becoming more loving and caring again. I can see the animosity leaving!
I might as well be back home, I have only stayed at the other place 1 night this week. Tonight will make it 2, she has an appointment for a tattoo that was previously made.
We have started to talk about the future some, she is receptive and even throws out ideas and options herself. I don't think the fridge thing was an issue. I believe she genuinely wanted to do that together.
I told her more of my past, she was extremely receptive, and full of sorrow for me. I think now she understands why I acted as I did after the bomb drop, I can feel myself changing for the better. Patience was never a strong point in me, but this has helped that!
I got the bi-polar meds refilled, although they make me feel kind of like a robot for a bit, I have already started to feel myself level out.
we were able to actually talk about things that before I would have taken to an argument, but we both stayed cool and calm for the most part. there were a few moments but we brought it back quickly so we could actually talk through it.
She told me she loves me so many times yesterday, It felt amazing!! Also did an act of service that was special between us two throughout our marriage, also amazing. I took this as a sign that things are looking up!
I am glad that I found this site and was able to read through some of the stories and get a better perspective on things, and what I need to change for myself. It has helped so much! I love her with all of my heart and couldn't imagine life without her. I will keep you updated with what happens.
That's all good stuff. Just be sure to tamper your expectations. Sometimes they can swing in the other direction really quick. Enjoy the good, nurture it, but just keep yourself in check.
I am doing what I can to nurture it along, not being confrontational as best I can. Loving her but at her pace. She is a kind, loving woman. I think it will come back, just will need time and some counseling to help work through the issues and forgiveness needed.
Thanks everyone, I think I am doing a good job at the slow and steady. Letting her take her time to process what she needs to. I will wait for as long as it takes.
I had a little breakdown today. we have argued the past couple of nights. one big one and one little one. I think that I can feel her trying to distance herself from me at times, and at other times her sweet loving self comes back out. We went to church together today, she held my hand tightly, and cuddled a bit with me as well. that was amazing, and her sweet loving self!
I know that I am not supposed to but I asked her about it. She said she is still trying to figure out what she is doing, if she is doing this because she doesn't want to hurt me, or break up the family, or really wants to try to make the marriage work. I told her that I fear my feelings are starting to change as well and I don't like it (me distancing that is) and she said that now I know how she felt for the last several years. As much as it hurt I understand. she has a journey to make and only she can do it. I love her with all of my heart and it hurts to see her that confused, and know that all I can do to help is stay out of the way and cheer from the sidelines. What really [censored] is before the big fight things seemed pretty good! but I found something again that I though was concerning and confronted her about it instead of forgetting it again. I also did another sin in the next fight, I told her what I thought she was feeling/doing.....
Just an update, no better no worse. She leaves on her trip to Michigan tomorrow. She asked for her space to think while gone. I will respect that and not contact her. It will be the hardest thing that I have ever done I believe. I love her.
I did see that she was more open to the R then before. But I keep doing things to set that back more and more. she even talked about the future and what we are going to do. then Yesterday I messed up and fought about stupid crap that didn't need brought up. Now not so much lol.
Again, setbacks are fun.
on a side note the book has arrived and I have been going through it and reading/highlighting valid points and ideas. I am not too far into it just yet but I will get there. I am not a fast reader.
You'll find that no matter what you do, you'll have setbacks. It's because you're in a no-win game. The only way out is to stop playing the game. Go out and GAL and start creating a good life for yourself.
Don't be too hard on yourself regarding past mistakes on how to handle things. Slip ups happen! The good news is that you are recognizing the slip ups and are learning from them.
It sounds like your changes have been noticed, just difficult to believe at this point. These changes need to be made for you and your kids. They need to be long lasting and sincere. Prove that to yourself and anyone else through your actions, not your words.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
You'll find that no matter what you do, you'll have setbacks. It's because you're in a no-win game. The only way out is to stop playing the game. Go out and GAL and start creating a good life for yourself.
No truer words have been spoken on here...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I have started the GAL, I have cut the Cuda to pieces as a way to relax, putting new metal on her and getting it pretty! We joined a gym, started working out together. That is a lot of fun! I love playing racquetball with her! I am going to take swimming lessons (can't swim, never really liked the water)
I see where I make the mistakes. I am trying to rectify that situation. but every time I do it she sees the old me and it is a setback, understandable.
we did go to lunch today. it was awesome, she cuddled a bit. we kissed a few times!
The changes that I have made are for my children and myself. I needed the change in order to better myself. My kids didn't deserve the grumpy, complacent person that I had become. There really isn't any reason I can't approach any situation with a smile on my face and a happier outlook than before!
I only hope that the W notices the changes that I have made. She appears to have, but I don't know if change is enough to overcome the years of hurt for her.......
I like preparing for the worst, but just hoping the outcome would be better than the worst. I try to remain hopeful without giving myself false expectations. It's a fine line.
Hope you get a good break and enjoy some time "off".
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
If I could post pics here I would show just how much metal I have cut off of the car lol
I am not too sure what I want to do this weekend that I have 4 days off. Can't really spend all the time on the car....maybe a trip is in order? go see some of the scenery around here that I haven't seen. Buy a tent and go camping? I don't know but I will figure it out.
I took an impromptu trip to Idaho to see the kids, they are at their grandparents place while things try to work themselves out at home. It was an amazing weekend. went and saw a few movies. bowling, and a few arcades.
Figured I would update this as it has been a while.
Things have been amazing! She came back from her trip and we actually started to communicate. Then we went on a trip to Idaho together. for the first 5 hours of the drive we did nothing but talk and ask questions about each other that we didn't know! It really opened our eyes. We rekindled our friendship first.
Last night she told me that we aren't separated anymore! I wanted to run outside and do a back flip. Instead we just hugged. Things have been so good the last week that I find it hard to not just dive in head first and try to swim again. we still have a lot to work on, mostly trust and forgiveness but I know we will get there. We are taking baby steps. The counselor gave us some pretty good insight as to how to trust again. Basically baby steps. give a little more, risk a little each time and see what happens. when you feel comfortable with that take another risk step.
I have really forgiven her for what she has done, the forgiveness needs to come from her side now. That is the largest hurtle we have right now. Hopefully she can find it in her heart to forgive me for the things that I have done.
Trust me. I've been where you are twice. Both times, I feel I let her back in too quickly without doing all the work that we BOTH needed to do. The same problems presented themselves within months.
So, in the meantime, do not allow yourself to get too excited. Your W can easily reverse course if you aren't careful.
