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giftd #2740708 04/26/17 02:56 AM
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70Cuda Offline OP
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Oh how I hope so....

I am trying really hard not to get eager. When the topic of the future comes up I try to word it to not include "us" nor include individuals. just a generic "the house" not ours or yours. But she is the one saying when we fix up the kitchen, when we restore my pickup (she has a 67 GMC project truck also)

It is so hard to give her the space she needs. but I think I am doing a decent job of it.

70Cuda #2740712 04/26/17 04:41 AM
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Originally Posted By: 70Cuda
But she is the one saying when we fix up the kitchen, when we restore my pickup...


70Cuda,

My wife (now XW) was updating our kitchen and she was planning on giving our master bathroom a facelift as well. And, as far as I know, she was doing all of that while she was planning to separate. I don't understand why she was doing that.

My best guess is that she thought she was going to get the house so she was going to upgrade the house as much as possible while there was still a second income.

doodler #2740718 04/26/17 05:22 AM
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True, never thought of it in that light. I don't want to believe she is using me. but it is a very real possibility.

The only thing that I mentioned was that we ought to hold off on larger purchases like that until we are farther along and more sure of what we are going to be doing.

doodler #2740743 04/26/17 06:36 AM
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Originally Posted By: doodler
Originally Posted By: 70Cuda
But she is the one saying when we fix up the kitchen, when we restore my pickup...


70Cuda,

My wife (now XW) was updating our kitchen and she was planning on giving our master bathroom a facelift as well. And, as far as I know, she was doing all of that while she was planning to separate. I don't understand why she was doing that.

My best guess is that she thought she was going to get the house so she was going to upgrade the house as much as possible while there was still a second income.



Mine did the same thing...she had all these plans for the house...tile the kitchen, new cabinets, hardwood floors...all that while actively pursuing divorce. And I got the house in the settlement...she stopped talking all that when things were done. Means nothing but that she wanted it for herself.


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Dawgs #2740752 04/26/17 07:04 AM
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Mine jumped around like a kid when she found out we had a new house under contract and started texting me pictures of couches and things she wanted to buy for the house. 2 weeks later, she left and I had to cancel the purchase of the house.

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Ok, so just a harsh realization that I am being used right now.

I said that we should hold off on large purchases such as that for the time being. I though long and hard about it last night and came up with that is the best course of action.

70Cuda #2740761 04/26/17 07:22 AM
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Maybe you are being used, but maybe not. Everyone's situation does not necessarily mean it will turn out to be yours! That said, I think it's good that you are cautious and not get blindsided. Protect yourself in these unsettling days. Those spouses who've seemingly lost their minds for a season can by very sneaky. I hope yours turns out to be coming from a "together" motive. smile


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

70Cuda #2740766 04/26/17 07:33 AM
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Originally Posted By: 70Cuda
She already knows about this site. I don't hide anything from her. Really this is just for support and advice when needed.

None of the conventional methods I have tried worked. but doing it my own way yielded the best results by far!


Your "own way", versus what? I mean no offense, but hasn't your "own way" gotten you here?

DB says at its essence to do what works, (if you know what that is)

monitor for results, change as needed. In a general sense, it's as good as it gets.

It's the 'what will work?" part that gets hard to know

and in terms of implementing your approach, be mindful of trying too many things at once

or not giving a long enough chance to a strategy.

And finally, there are some who pick and choose among different approaches from other sites, and then wonder why "their situation is different,"

(I think they do what they want to do and claim it was the advice they got. I don't know you, but that's what I've seen around kind of a lot. And we are all human so if there are 2 ideas to try and one is easier, we tend to choose the easier one first. )

*If you are going to try the MWD Div Busting approach, then try it without mixing in other opposing approaches.

We advise against sharing this with your spouse b/c we know that every action or behavior you try to change will be seen as a tactic that won't last, instead of authentic change. We give this advice based on more than a hundred thousand posts here...

Is the reason you shared it with her b/c you wanted her to see effort on your end, because you are reading the book?

Are you digging deep within to see what you want to change in Yourself and how you'll heal the anger issues and manage the bi-polar mood swings and the rest?

Wanting to hurt your ex wife at the expense of your present wife, I know it was 5 years ago but that's the type of behavior that reveals some underlying crap you need to own and repair so she feels safer with you emotionally. AND THEN that can prove change is possible so her own work will be more hopeful and likely.

Does that make sense to you?

As for which approach, try DBing OR try a different approach. But mixing them or winging it, or using your emotions to steer you without considering the likely consequences probably helped get you here.

I know one thing for sure, and that's - if you Only focus on her behavior (the wrongness or craziness of it) and not your own stuff in your sandbox, you will not save the marriage and worse, you will not save yourself.

You have things in yourself to work on. Are the medications helping you?

How would you be a different/better h now, than before?

How would the marriage be different or better than before?

If the answers to these 2 ^^ questions are unknown, your task is to change that.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Originally Posted By: 70Cuda
She already knows about this site. I don't hide anything from her. Really this is just for support and advice when needed.

None of the conventional methods I have tried worked. but doing it my own way yielded the best results by far!


Your "own way", versus what? I mean no offense, but hasn't your "own way" gotten you here?

Very true, But advice from other places has all backfired. I haven't received the book yet, when I do I plan to read it front to back and then again. implement the lessons in it for me. Not for us right now.

DB says at its essence to do what works, (if you know what that is)

monitor for results, change as needed. In a general sense, it's as good as it gets.

It's the 'what will work?" part that gets hard to know

and in terms of implementing your approach, be mindful of trying too many things at once

or not giving a long enough chance to a strategy.

And finally, there are some who pick and choose among different approaches from other sites, and then wonder why "their situation is different,"

(I think they do what they want to do and claim it was the advice they got. I don't know you, but that's what I've seen around kind of a lot. And we are all human so if there are 2 ideas to try and one is easier, we tend to choose the easier one first. )

*If you are going to try the MWD Div Busting approach, then try it without mixing in other opposing approaches.

We advise against sharing this with your spouse b/c we know that every action or behavior you try to change will be seen as a tactic that won't last, instead of authentic change. We give this advice based on more than a hundred thousand posts here...

Is the reason you shared it with her b/c you wanted her to see effort on your end, because you are reading the book?

No, the reason I was up front is because in the past honesty was an issue. I am being fully transparent with her. Anything she asks I answer fully and honestly.

Are you digging deep within to see what you want to change in Yourself and how you'll heal the anger issues and manage the bi-polar mood swings and the rest?

In counseling we are digging down now. It will be a process but worth doing for me.

Wanting to hurt your ex wife at the expense of your present wife, I know it was 5 years ago but that's the type of behavior that reveals some underlying crap you need to own and repair so she feels safer with you emotionally. AND THEN that can prove change is possible so her own work will be more hopeful and likely.

Does that make sense to you?

Yes it does. Again through couseling we are dealing with past emotions, and abuses that add up to all of this. I have made some good progress in this as some of it I have dealt with, and talked about to rid myself of the anger from it.

As for which approach, try DBing OR try a different approach. But mixing them or winging it, or using your emotions to steer you without considering the likely consequences probably helped get you here.

I know one thing for sure, and that's - if you Only focus on her behavior (the wrongness or craziness of it) and not your own stuff in your sandbox, you will not save the marriage and worse, you will not save yourself.

You have things in yourself to work on. Are the medications helping you?

I will be seeing the DR on Thursday to reevaluate my medication. will know more after that.

How would you be a different/better h now, than before?

I will listen more without judgment/criticism. control my anger through self awareness and forgiving what happened in the past. Be more affectionate. more open emotionally. Communicate in a better fassion and not let it get to an angry yelling match.

How would the marriage be different or better than before?

We will communicate before the issue gets out of hand. hopefully be more loving and caring for each other. more attentive to each others needs and wants. Listen to each others dreams/ideas. give each other a chance to voice opinion and then come to a common ground together.


If the answers to these 2 ^^ questions are unknown, your task is to change that.

70Cuda #2740863 04/26/17 02:08 PM
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well guys, the W made it pretty clear today that she doesn't give a damn about how I feel nor any emotions I may have....

The counselor got in touch with me because I wrote in my online journal. she was proud that I made the realization of what triggers things. And said that perhaps I should call and share this with the W because I was emotional unavailable to her.

I called her and let her know, the answer I received was a cold callused "OK" and i sat there silent. she asked what more I wanted. I said I didn't expect much but "OK" was a little cold. she then started to raise her voice at me and was saying that is how she felt for 9 years.

I informed her that I didn't call for a fight, just to open up. She just said that "I can't do much over the phone, what do you want me to do" so I said that I had to get back to work. Bye.

Kinda cut and dry if you ask me. I guess the counselor was wrong in that it may help to open up to her.....

I guess as soon as the book gets here I will use it as my guide and try it out.

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