So last night she invited me to dinner. we had a good time. went "home" and hung out for quite a bit. We went to bed, she got a message on Instagram from one of the guys (although she did tell this one that he was being inappropriate) and refused to open it saying "it isn't a big deal". I was a little too insistent on seeing it. the message was a harmless one. It has been shown for a while that he is just a friend but I still am leery. after this blowup I went to the guest room. she let me back in after an hour but was cold. distant. and did not want to talk about it at all! That was fine, as long as she didn't tell me not to cuddle her at that time.
Today she is disinterested in seeing me, and spending time together. I understand that she is mad, but I find it difficult that she doesn't see why I acted the way that I did. I am hurting too, but I also understand that in order to do a 180 and get her back to me this is going to be a whole lot more of giving in a sense than receiving. (I say giving but that doesn't necessarily mean physical items, etc. this includes giving her her space even though it is killing me....Letting her vent on me and not putting my thoughts in, she doesn't need that right now. Not touching her even though I desperately want/need affection too)
She has still told me that she loves me....so there is some hope, false hope maybe but hope nonetheless
I do expect setbacks, this one wasn't as bad as some of the ones that we have had since the start. so I have faith that it will bounce back. the two worst setbacks happened back to back, When I told her parents about her indiscretions (they were going for a "girls weekend" that was also supposed to be an intervention of sorts, Their idea, and I thought it was in best interest that if this was going to happen that they were equipped with all the information, not bits and pieces.) and the point at which I found the guy, I tried to friend him on Facebook and Instagram, I found his wife etc. I don't know what I was going to do with it.....More than likely nothing, but she found out that I had done this and was more than upset with it. But we bounced back somewhat!
She doesn't want to bring up the past right now because it is too much to handle. Hopefully the therapist can help with this?
It is soooo hard to give her the space that she requires. I think I had somewhat of an epiphany yesterday. I am hurting, depressed, anxious, etc because I want to see her, hold her, kiss her, tell her that I love her and everything is going to be ok. but she is depressed anxious etc and doesn't want to see me, nor have the affection right now. so this butting of heads is causing more and more conflict. I need to work on giving her the space at the right time! let her be the one to come to me for attention, not me go basically begging and asking for it!
I may come across on here as someone that doesn't care to fix this but it is because I am blunt, to the point.
It is soooo hard to give her the space that she requires. I think I had somewhat of an epiphany yesterday. I am hurting, depressed, anxious, etc because I want to see her, hold her, kiss her, tell her that I love her and everything is going to be ok. but she is depressed anxious etc and doesn't want to see me, nor have the affection right now. so this butting of heads is causing more and more conflict. I need to work on giving her the space at the right time! let her be the one to come to me for attention, not me go basically begging and asking for it!
I may come across on here as someone that doesn't care to fix this but it is because I am blunt, to the point.
Try to stop looking over your shoulder at her, to see if something is "working" ...
Do you open the lid on your washing machine every 5 minutes to see if your clothes are clean ?
good point. I have never thought of it that way, I just stopped asking if something is working.
Also I think disconnecting somewhat with her and letting her have the space she needs will help with my problems as well. I won't worry so much about it. I won't have to know what she is thinking about the progress all the time.
good point. I have never thought of it that way, I just stopped asking if something is working.
Also I think disconnecting somewhat with her and letting her have the space she needs will help with my problems as well. I won't worry so much about it. I won't have to know what she is thinking about the progress all the time.
I think that is the point anyway.
Make sure whatever you do, it is for real, and not just some "ploy" to win her back.
A WAS can smell fake actions like Oprah can smell a Twinkie...
More of a...
I need to detach, so that I have some space and time to really sort things out in my head. I cannot worry about what she is doing, because I have my own set of issues to work through. I need to back away, and figure myself out before I can give that to her anyway. For cryin out loud, I drive a Mopar, and that can't be good...
Understood. We both have inner demons that need dealt with. And everything I have done to this point is real, I don't just want to "win her back" I want her to grow old with me. be my partner for all time. I completely understand that there is ups and downs.
I need a lot of work on myself. Just going through stages right now that are extremely hard for me to deal with.
I suppose in the interest of full disclosure, I was emotionally, physically, verbally and sexually abused as a child. the sexual abuse I have worked through and forgiven the person for. They physical and emotional are another story altogether. I do not talk with my older brother and probably never will because he has disassociated himself from the entire family as "we made everything up".
the emotional abuse was different though. I can count on both hands how many times as a child I was told that I was loved. or that anyone was proud of me. Hugs were non existent, any injuries were dealt with on your own, there was no crying period. I was a boy and that was not allowed. This was consistent not only with my parents, siblings but also with grandparents, aunts uncles etc.
My dad was verbally abusive and emotionally. unfortunately he passed away about the time that all the previous indiscretions were going on. I will never be able to confront him over these and let him know the pain it caused. My mother was always a beat down woman. she usually cowered in the corner so to speak. I really hate it when my wife says she is sorry, or calls me Sir because of this. It wasn't until just before he passed that he started telling us that he loves us. Us as in my siblings and I.
Through my own therapy I am going to be working through this and other issues to help with my inner demons.
I can't think of anything from '70 that I don't like..Mopar or not..
Originally Posted By: 70Cuda
I suppose in the interest of full disclosure, I was emotionally, physically, verbally and sexually abused as a child. the sexual abuse I have worked through and forgiven the person for. They physical and emotional are another story altogether. I do not talk with my older brother and probably never will because he has disassociated himself from the entire family as "we made everything up".
the emotional abuse was different though. I can count on both hands how many times as a child I was told that I was loved. or that anyone was proud of me. Hugs were non existent, any injuries were dealt with on your own, there was no crying period. I was a boy and that was not allowed. This was consistent not only with my parents, siblings but also with grandparents, aunts uncles etc.
PTSD ??
Originally Posted By: 70Cuda
My dad was verbally abusive and emotionally. unfortunately he passed away about the time that all the previous indiscretions were going on. I will never be able to confront him over these and let him know the pain it caused. My mother was always a beat down woman. she usually cowered in the corner so to speak. I really hate it when my wife says she is sorry, or calls me Sir because of this. It wasn't until just before he passed that he started telling us that he loves us. Us as in my siblings and I.
He doesn't have to be around for that ya know...
Grab a beer or two, sit near him and talk it out. Let him know how you feel about it...
Plus, forgiveness isn't for him anyway, it's for you...
met with the counselor today. She said that in just the week since our last visit she can tell a drastic change in me. I am more open, and receptive to things. Very willing to talk about things now. And was surprised by some of my answers. stating that I am at the point of not just wanting to change, but changing for the better. Also to expect some backslides because it is hard to change 31 years of defense mechanisms coming up.
Just wish there was a magic juice, or wand or something to show the W. I know it will take time.....
The better half is still cold, and withdrawn because of the argument last night. She did tell me that she loves me, twice! so that is good! we actually talked about plans to remodel the kitchen next year! possibly another good sign???
we have two "dates" set up this week, one Thursday with the people that heard the rumors that hurt her, and one Saturday for a ball.
She also talked briefly the other day about the possibility of me moving back in before the kids come back (they went to their grandparents while we try to work on things.) that is in 4.5 weeks. so we will see.
That sounds like real progress to me! One thing I find coming up a lot in the books I've read is to make sure as you have this progress you don't start applying pressure by getting over eager. You got this far doing what you are doing, she'll believe the changes in time.
Together 7 years Married 3 Said she was taking long way home late January Left to get some space 2/19/17 BD 3/1/17 ILYB
