Hurt, Lost and Alone

[Tryin2figuritout]

Island,

My dog has seen more walks in the last two months than she has in the last 6 months for sure. It's a great way to think and enjoy everyone's best friend(s).

It's ok if you can't find your positive self these days. Just keep digging and you will. My sitch was directly caused by not venting and dealing with things directly. We all do this, but for us LBS it's so hard to understand why now there's no time to fix.

What if we'd done this or what if we talked about that. You're terrified of what lies for you in the future and that's understandable. Your living in the past and future and forgetting about what you can do today for Island.

Worrying about regrets from the past and anxiety in the future makes us miss what we can do today for ourselves. It takes courage to do it, but you'll steadily find that it's better than not.

All the best.

[Island]

Thank you. Got home from work and just had a huge sob and cry. Don't really know why.

I had to txt him and ask if he'd walked the dogs. He said yes, but sadly I know this is just another lie as I left the leashes in a certain way and they haven't moved. It's sad that I had to do that- it sadder that he lied about it.

The haircut thing is funny. He knew I was booked in for tomorrow, that's why I asked him what time his appointment was but then he just offered to switch it - it's like an underhanded way of telling me I don't want to SEE you. It's also sad for me because since moving here, it's the first time in 7.5 years that he's not asked me to cut his hair - pathetic I know, but it's these little things I miss so terribly.

I'm going to try a pull myself together if only for a few hours this afternoon.

Best go for a walk before the rain comes.

[MoveFrwd]

Can you schedule it so that you don't need him to come and walk the dogs?

I think you need to be in as little contact with him as possible.

All it's doing is hurting you.

[Island]

I know what you are saying. Part of me thinks it would be easier with absolutely no contact, but i miss him sooooo much. I know I am not the only person out there in this situation who is feeling this pain, but this is too much.

I know I need to un-attach myself from needing him, I just didn't realize how much I loved having him in my life and now he is gone...... why is it always that way?

I sit here and wonder if he misses anything about me, our life together and its killing me.

I don't know why i'm so bad today..... I started off the day feeling quite strong and its just got worse and worse.

I think looking through the financials and trying to see where we are has gotten to me... looking at all we have accumulated over the years together. He doesn't seem to be doing anything - just telling me that he wants a divorce. He hasn't spoken with me about a separation - as in how long he is planning on being away - he just says its temporary. Does he want to do a period of separation and then file? Does he just want to get down to the nitty gritty and file????

Its his birthday next weekend - we were supposed to be going away to Miami for a few days to celebrate and I have been trying to cancel and recoup what little i could. Do I even wish him a happy birthday??? It kills me to know that he will go out somewhere on this island and have a blast - which is his right- it is his birthday, but I won't be part of it - when all I want to do is celebrate with him and hug him.

I know I sound pathetic at the moment - i feel it, and the intelligent part of me is screaming to pull myself together, but I just don't have it in me at the moment.

Today everything [censored].............

[Jim1234]

Be as pathetic as you want on this board. Cry your heart out to us. We're all going through similar experiences and can relate.

BUT DON'T LET HIM SEE THIS SIDE OF YOU.

Disengage from him. Schedule someone to take care of the dogs, and then stop being available every time he calls or texts.

Think less, do more.

[Island]

So I went to salsa tonight. Had so much fun and met new people. The night was going great and then a mutual friend of mine and the H arrived. She barraged me with questions - how is he, how's his job (she used to work with him), aren't you guys heading off soon to the uk. Just relentless questions. How am I supposed to answer???

Do I say we are separated or do I lie and say he's really busy??? Kinda ended my night on a low.

I blurted out that we have separated - I just couldn't take it. I've messaged her and said she took me off guard, but that we're keeping quiet and would appreciate her discretion.

How am I to handle this going forward? Any advice on this? I don't want to scupper any chance of reconciliation if he gets defensive by everyone knowing, but am I supposed to lie???

[Sjs777]

it is tough to announce a separation or divorce. the only suggestion i have is that at least at times I leave the awkward questions and accountability to the departing spouse as it really is a consequence to their decision, not yours. the challenge is doing so without getting 100 questions in return from your friend. it helps to let them defend themselves for their actions without them feeling you cornered them, leading to an argument/set back

perhaps, when she asked how is he and hows his job, you may have politely said its best to ask him

as for your enjoyable night, you deserved every minute of it, bask in it, celebrate it, and do it again - live life

[Island]

So today - the weather is mirroring me - just tipping it down, grey and gloomy.

Its the weekend, no plans for tonight although am going to get my hair done, but have some things here and there over the next couple of days to keep me busy.

He called this morning. I didn't answer. So much harder than I thought it would be. I've left it a few hours and have texted to say that I saw a missed call and is all OK?

Should I have done that or just left it completely? Do I just never pick up the phone again to him??? I'm really no good at games - always been an open book with my heart on my sleeve.....

On a plus, i do feel calmer today, sad, but calm.

[Sjs777]

its ok to respond, just not immediately. You responded as you should

had you responded immediately he would have thought you were at his beck and call with no life to draw his interest

[leahsue]

Island,
I had a hard time at first too, with whether to answer a call or text, even though he was cold and distant, and the contact was only about day to day stuff that had to be addressed. It was so hard to hear his voice and/or tone so cold like that. But part of me was afraid NOT to answer. I wish now that I had had a little more courage to not be afraid to let it go and keep a little more distance. Someone said on here (I think Blu or 25, maybe both!) that looking back, they spent WAY too much time wondering what he was doing or if he was going to call, etc., and ultimately all that looking back wasn't what brought him back anyway. Lots of wasted energy and emotion spent thinking about him, that could have been used on just healing yourself. I agree 100%. My H didn't show one bit of interest until I appeared to stop caring and building a life for myself that did not include him. I worried that he would not see that I was doing that, which let me know I wasn't doing it for me. So that's what I worked on the most- making sure I wasn't doing it to get him back. Of course we all hope that happens, otherwise we wouldn't be on this forum, but that can't be the focus or the only reason. We have to detach ourselves from the outcome of our situation, and really start to dig and find what makes us happy, with our without a mate. The more you read people's stories on here, as they move through sometimes years of this, is that you begin to see a pattern emerge, and that is they start to re-discover those things about themselves that made them attractive to begin with-and that starts to change the whole "I can't live without him" mentality. You can do this! Do one thing today that makes you happy. Then tomorrow do one thing.
If he needs to contact you and it is an emergency, he will keep trying until he gets you. Try not to find excuses of why you HAVE to answer his call or text. The less you hear from him right now, the easier it will be to begin to be OK not hearing from him, if that makes sense. Hang in there. You can do this!