25 yearsMLC 10 years late I FILE part 2

[25yearsmlc]

Okay

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2738458#Post2738458

just trying to link my thread, so I can share & journal "out loud" here and b/c a lot of our experiences are universal,

while also intensely personal, too. Interesting juxtaposition.


Random thought about what life throws at us...I mean, the sudden sickness of 6 months ago really took a toll on me. Even so, the divorce I filed for took me by surprise. Why?

Why couldn't I wrap my brain around it??

I think it was due in part to the length of our marriage, and because I thought we were past this obsession, and past his selfishness which I can honestly say, is so extreme as to be unbelievable,

and b/c I felt "owed" by h,

and b/c I had hid my fears and so I did not see things I could have seen if I had dug deeper.

ALL ^^ of this was a lot, and my mom had died and our last went off to college

ETC ETC

losing a parent(s) is actually a "natural" event and so is our children leaving the home. Those were triggering events for ME, not h.

So I refuse to look at those events as things that changed him back...besides, he barely processed his own mothers' death as h does not look at ugly things that are painful to him, for long. In some ways he's the hardest worker I know and in some ways, the laziest - emotionally anyhow.

Anyhow, here's todays analogy.

Our first son was born when I was in law school, 8 weeks before h began med school.

Obviously he was "premature" by like 5 years.

When I first took the pregnancy test I did it kind of on a whim b/c we were going to a big party. I knew I'd drink some, and I noticed I had not had my cycle (we had been m for 5 years).

it came back positive and I was alone, and I literally prayed on my knees, before repeating the test (they come with 2). It came back positive too. Within 5 minutes, I went from being terrified and sort of dreading it,

to being nervously THRILLED...

I am not sure when our children would have come if we had "planned' them out b/c there was never ever going to be an easy or "convenient" time. Truly, it might not have happened at all, and we for sure would not have 3.

So God invaded my life and I've never been the same. Motherhood is by far the hardest, best, most draining, most rewarding terrifying satisfying experience of my life

and my children will always be my greatest achievement.

So maybe I need to embrace this "invasion" of single hood the same way.

Thoughts?

H was "off" with me for the past X amount of time (My estimates of when he was pulling away, vary, partly b/c of my recall and his inconsistencies and maybe b/c of his own uncertainty and my own blindness and trust??)

but for sure he was not good to me for several months in 2016, leading up to me filing.

he practically dared me to file, though he seemed or acted surprised when I did.

REGARDLESS of what h thought or planned blah blah blah

there were things I wanted to do as we approached retirement and I kept clinging to our original plans --all the things I really wanted to do, presumably with h...

who knows what he really planned on doing, or with whom? H loves hanging with his heroes and bff. His bff is a good man, married happily for 36 years (and btw, he's happy partly b/c he wants to be happy. He tries to be happy and his w does too).

I think my task for now is to redirect painful thoughts and plan on what I can do that I wanted to do,

without h. And to open my heart to someone else, in time...

and never hinder nor enable, h's r's with our children. I'm getting better at that.

[bigybiz]

25YearsMLC:

I just wanted to drop by and say how moved I am by your story. I'm truly impressed by the insights and maturity your posts have.

I wish I could be of more support to you - you seem to be doing great on your own. FYI - I am amazed on how you have been able to zero in on the thoughts/feelings/etc of some of the WAW/WW in th other's posts. I wish you were around when I got to the site (too late I'm afraid), I would have loved your insights on my W.

I'll keep reading your posts and look forward to interacting with you more.

[Vanilla]

When shift happens it is quick. In an instant. Real time change works it's magic.

I call these moments spell break, once you know you can never unknow.

The whole of your life changes in an instant. A moment, no hesitation, your higher power knows to shift.

I always say, you can love another but at times you can love yourself more.

The question of happiness, it isn't that the wayward is happy or happier with another, they just feel they are. Just sayin'

V

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks guys,

I'm really working on this.

Today my L called and said H has actually "officially" quit his job and wants his support lowered by 75%. (mind you, it's temporary).

I admit I'm surprised. And yet, not. The arguments he puts forth are things like "25 can just move to another state where she was licensed to practice law 16 years ago, and pick up there in private practice"

and even though I THINK the law is on my side, I'm both concerned (afraid, I admit)

and baffled/angered by h's approach. As if he has contempt for me. Which I do resent. He requested a vocational evaluation for me, which is annoying as heck.

But it's 3-4 hours from our kids and I would have paid for a visit to see them, and he'd have saved money just by asking me, OR asking his L...but he was told and per MY L, he didn't care.

how odd. 35 years & 3 kids

Just venting.

[25yearsmlc]

When shift happens it is quick. In an instant. Real time change works it's magic.

I call these moments spell break, once you know you can never unknow.

I hear this^^^.

The whole of your life changes in an instant. A moment, no hesitation, your higher power knows to shift.

I always say, you can love another but at times you can love yourself more.

The question of happiness, it isn't that the wayward is happy or happier with another, they just feel they are. Just sayin'

V

I'm struggling, but mostly moving forward. It's so NOT linear my friend...

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks guys,

I'm really working on this.

Today my L called and said H has actually "officially" quit his job and wants his support lowered by 75%. (mind you, it's temporary).

I admit I'm surprised. And yet, not. The arguments he puts forth are things like "25 can just move to another state where she was licensed to practice law 16 years ago, and pick up there in private practice"

and even though I THINK the law is on my side, I'm both concerned (afraid, I admit)

and baffled/angered by h's approach. As if he has contempt for me. Which I do resent. He requested a vocational evaluation for me, which is annoying as heck.

But it's 3-4 hours from our kids and I would have paid for a visit to see them, and he'd have saved money just by asking me, OR asking his L...but he was told and per MY L, he didn't care.

how odd. 35 years & 3 kids

Just venting.

So questions...

when my children ask me why I cannot visit them OR why it's such a hassle

I say "it's a legal matter" right?

I don't say "b/c your father specifically wanted to punish me"?

Yeah, yeah, I know the answer to this^^^

My L said "your h is unusual in that he's overtly an a$$hole. He knew you wanted to see them...but he didn't want to pay for a 'week long VACATION'..."

who the heck was asking for that? (To be clear, if I had known, -f if he had simply texted me - I would have paid the difference and saved him and me money!!)


Of course many WAS's or MLCers ( or crappy spouses or whatever label we choose, b/c honestly I don't know what label fits h anymore. )

Since I filed, some would say I'm the WAS, and others would argue about MLC's, but I have no time for that anymore. I did what I had to do under the circumstances...ANYWAY---

Why would H assume something I never asked for ( a week long vacation?? It's just a crazy thing to say & I'd bet he tells people that...)

and then deny it?? Seems he acts as if I've asked for or expected much more than was real, which still, even now, makes me nutty?

Because it's typical for MY h to assume that a "#6 request" (on the scale of 1 - 10) would actually mean or imply, a #10, so his reaction is a #10 reaction

even though all I suggested was a moderate "#6." Sounds wacky but I don't know how else to explain it simply. If I asked for "a little over $155 for a class, he would say it was 'close to $200' and he'd mean it... As if he heard what he feared, not what was said. This was a huge problem for us, or at least the underlying problem causing it, was.

Anyone know what I mean?

You say something carefully. You mean what you say and you say what you mean. You are not secretly implying more, and you do not actually or necessarily want more

but the reaction you get is as if you were in fact demanding much more than you were


and then you feel as if you might have missed something in your original request.

Like maybe you did not word it right or maybe you said it with a lousy tone, or maybe you even did mean something that you are not even aware of (or only a part of you was)

and now you are responding to THAT, the reaction of his, instead of what you actually said or meant.

Christ, I cannot believe it. It's gas lighting in court - the most expensive form.

Ugh

And so when our son asks, which he often does, I say nothing, right?

I can say "it's part of the legal quagmire and that's all you need to know"...or what?

I hate enabling h to do more crap and pretend not to, but I hate inflicting more pain on our children more. Okay there is my answer.

Sorry for the rambling and journaling out loud. I swear it helps.

Again, UGH!!

[25yearsmlc]

25YearsMLC:

I just wanted to drop by and say how moved I am by your story. I'm truly impressed by the insights and maturity your posts have.

I wish I could be of more support to you - you seem to be doing great on your own. FYI - I am amazed on how you have been able to zero in on the thoughts/feelings/etc of some of the WAW/WW in th other's posts. I wish you were around when I got to the site (too late I'm afraid), I would have loved your insights on my W.

I'll keep reading your posts and look forward to interacting with you more.

thank you big, it means a lot.

Truly

[180Man]

If my mother said...

...and that's all you need to know"...

...it would piss me off. Even if it wasn't this subject matter and was none of my business. The nature of asking a question generally implies that the asker feels -- right or wrong -- they have a right to know, otherwise they wouldn't have asked in the first place (I know, I'm making a sweeping statement). I don't have a better answer for you, but some more neutral language may be better for the time being.

Is it possible H has had a small stroke or multiple silent-strokes? My F had a lot of micro/silent-strokes that went undetected for a long time. I'm actually not sure how long, to be honest. But his behavior changed and even though he was generally the same person, he did a lot of weird stuff. He had a small electronics company that was on the verge of closing some really big deals. I think some of them even closed and money had come in. Rather than...you know...work on the business, he decided he was going to buy some large short wave radio antennas in French Guiana and partner with a religious radio station and start some sort of short wave radio network. This had nothing to do with his business. I only talked to my F once about religion and he said he figured Jesus was a real guy who did a lot of great stuff but was probably not God in the flesh. I say this not to start a religious debate, but just to point out how completely strange and bizarre his activity was.

Anyways, just a stab in the dark based on your writings about H. As for being the WAS, don't even go there! Besides, if you are...then it doesn't sound like he's DBing very well!

[Cadet]

As for being the WAS, don't even go there! Besides, if you are...then it doesn't sound like he's DBing very well!

First of all it is not unusual for the LBS to become the WAS - in fact this is a rather normal thing to happen.
In 25's case it just took a longer time to happen.

I would not worry about the label - IMHO - no big deal.
I struggled with the same idea after my divorce but you can work through it.
DETACH and - LET GO

25 I am not sure why you are trying to make sense of something an MLCer says, you know that you can not believe any of it and if his lips are moving that he is lying.

You need to treat the divorce like a business transaction and get the best deal you possibly can.
If he quits his job then get a deal that means if he starts making more money then you have a claim to his future wages.
As it is you should get half of his retirement, social security will not be an issue as that is a matter of law, and between you and the agency.

[exquisitetobe]

"Time will tell".. One of your question just got answered.
Is he as happy as he is showing the world? Hummmm?? Obviously NOT!

IMO, he is embarking in the " who is the good guy and who is the bad one." He now wants to tarnish (reality in his mind: punish)you and your reputation. He is taking on the victim role and by doing so, justifying his Affair and misery.

Put all of this sh*t aside. Your divorce is for you and your life. It is part of GALing. It is definitely a business deal and whatever he does in his fog will bite him in the a** in his future.

How old are your children? Mine were 6-9-11-13, now 14-17 soon- 18-21 eventho they could not understand what was going on, they saw his game. they saw his wackiness. they are very protective of me now. They talk back and defend me if he trys to come after me. They vocalise to him what he has put us true. Is he a victim of his own doing? Are we the victim of his wayward life? None of it matters.. He has his life and I have mine. Our children are on their way to create their own. They are taking lessons learn from this crap and hopefully do not repeat their childhood onto their own children..

Your L knows what your next options are. He is working for you and will present you with different scenarios. The decision is yours. Do not let STBX get under your skin. This is not about him, it is about your future.

Big Hug 25!!!!

xox