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BRAVO, you hit the nail on the head with one more powerful stroke. I am still talking to my W even though she has moved out and taken our children, been gone for about three months. I told her that I realized that our R was dead and that if I had to start over I would really like to do it with her. She seemed releaved that I had admitted to the death and a little open to starting over. This was 3 weeks ago and we have still not done anything together but talk on the phone. I am not pushing or pulling her, I am simply baiting the hook and hopefuly she will nibble so I can set the hook. We loved each other at one time so the foundation has still got to be there. I just have to be her friend until she can see that there is something worth saving. After all I am a great guy and other women tell me she had got to be crazy for taking the chance on loosing me, so I will just hang in there. I have never given up on anything in my life and I don't plan on starting now.

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JJ

Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
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Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
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sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
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Quote:
Someone once told me that in a marriage you have to remain your own person. You cannot let the marriage consume you and change into something that you are not.


And therein lies the problem as they say. I have taken off my ring. I decided if my H wanted to stay, we would need new rings that were a symbol of a new marriage. He had taken his off so many times to be with OW (she stole it a one point) and then he replaced it with a look alike. I decided those rings were meaningless.

The other hard thing I struggle with is the affair. I do think I can forgive it. However, it is still on going. If I am true to myself I have to admit that infidelity goes against all I believe in. I think if my H were to stop, I could handle going on. But right now he is proclaiming his affair to be "real relationship" I almost feel like I am the OW. It messes with my head.


me 54
WAH 53
M 26 yr/T 30 yr
S 18
Sep April 07
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As for snooping, I have tried a couple of times, but it just isn't in me. Then I realized after reading on here that I would just be causing myself more pain..

I had the om's wife come to me one day, she had been snooping, and tell me what she had found. That was the last day I had any contact with her, that was a definite lose-lose situation. And it only served to make me feel worse. Besides it seems to me that too much can misinterpreted when you are in our emotional state.

As for the ring, when w dropped the bomb I took mine off. I put it back on a little while later, but she had seen me with it off so she took her off and said that she didn't want to wear since we are S and I took mine off first.. Walked into that one didn't I...

We have been communicating and actually had some discussions about R. I have thought about putting the ring back on, but I am not sure yet. Part of me wants to, but I want to have a new relationship with her and the ring represents the old one.

I had always been pretty uptight about always wearing our rings, cuz they represented our marriage. Brief history: my Mom passed away when I was 2 and my Dad wore his wedding ring every day of his life, said it was the promise he made to her.. So wearing the ring is an important thing to me because of that...

One day when we were talking she said "when we get back together if I want a new wedding ring how will you feel about that"... I was fairly vague, mostly just blown away because she said "when we get back together"... I said that I would have to think that one through...

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2 things Frye.

Are you married to your wife in your heart and mind?
That should dictate what you do with your ring. Regardless of what ANYONE else says, including your wife.

A new ring...well if that happens, would you want a 'new' relationship with your wife, or the old one?



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Yes I am Jack, you make an excellent point.

I have thought alot about it, and I am putting my ring back on.

If she wants a new ring for a new relationship I think I can do that, but for me I am wearing mine...

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I took my ring off when I found out for the 2nd time he'd been lying to me about OW, over a year after I first discovered his A. By then H hadn't worn his for years. He said it was problem in his line of work - he would take it off then put it back on. After awhile he'd forget (he said), then I never saw it on his finger. Sometime in there he'd started his A, but I didn't make the connection.

When I took my ring off, in my mind my M was over. After that, for 2 mos H slowly worked me to the point of considering reconciliation. Then again I found out OW was still around. I didn't put my ring back on since discovery 2, and I won't until H starts to come out of the tunnel, probably until he moves back home, if that ever happens.

The ring meant nothing to H for a long time, but it meant something to me. Me taking mine off was a signal to him that I was ready to move on without him. If we reconcile, that is when I put my ring back on. You don't wear a wedding ring before you get married, and though I'm technically married, I am not living as someone's wife. Sound petty? I hope not. It's DBing to me - acting as if I'm getting on w/ my life. What I'm NOT doing is sitting around pining for my H, wearing a symbol of my undying devotion to him, showing the world that I'm married.

I do want H to know that I'm hopeful we will reconcile, so I let my other actions speak - my touch, my smile, my eye contact when he talks to me. We still spend time together (dates, if you will), and we ML once in awhile, when the right times come along. I ask him about his day, his games, his friends and share the joy of his "wins". I talk to him about our D, her successes, her challenges. I thank him for any nice thing he does for me. When he says ILY, I say ILY2. Sometimes I say it first. Right now he is my friend, albeit a very special friend. My actions reflect that, and these are the actions that I will use to show my H where my heart is, not a ring on my finger.

FA


What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.

FA:43, H:42
D:7
M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs
EA:?, PA:1/06
S:3/07
EA/PA ongoing
Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
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any of these that had an actual divorce from WAW and reconciled?


M 43 W 45
M 10.5 T 15
S 26 D 17 (previous relationships)
ILYB 12/25/15 + asks for D
Confirm affair 1/10/16
W has D ready to sign, but agrees to wait for refinancing to go through (I get a house!)
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