You're right about the movie theatre incident. I'm not sure why I didn't give the "FredG" treatment (No offense Fred), cause I'm sure I would have felt better. My wife even "thanked" for not beatin the livin' shit outta him. I do have have the plate # of OM's truck but have not pursued that avenue. I think it would only lead to alot more pain, and there's enough of that goin' around already.
Tuesday when the wife was "cleaning out" our house she asked me for her rings. I think she was going to sell them, as she is need of money. I told her I have them in a safe place, but not here.
I'm all for the beer party, we could buy enough to last a week. Just gotta know when and where, hopefully somewhere warm. I'm gettin' tired of all this snow.
[This message has been edited by StuartN (edited 01-19-2001).]
Hi gang About the rings, mine has not worn hers since 9/2000 whem I moved out { said she was in daily pain with me being there- It probably was the biggest mistake I could have ever made} I have continued to wear mine but she has never said a word about it. She does continue to wear a birthstone ring on that finger? When I look at her hand it pains alot. She told me she had been unhappy for many years{ married 25yrs.} but PA was the icing on the relationship failure.I have changed but really am unable to prove it but I still have hope/faith that miracles can happen. We all seem to want our marriages to recover and are ready to do what it takes to heal them. Love to hear from someone /those who began to feel different about spousal betrayal and began to walk the path of forgiveness and recovery. What kind of behavior improvements/changes were you looking for when you did not want to really hear or see us {"it's to late- can't ever forgive you- you knew I was unhappy- but we have to remain friendly for son"} I am perplexed at how to improve a " very long emotional distance relationship" I love her dearly but it seems this will never get better. Any insight /ideas would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, hanging in there Jmike
Great thread Kent! I did a lot of heavy duty snooping, spying, etc. when I first found out about the EA but later found out I was misinterpreting some of the things and the things I did find out only hurt me and didn't in anyway help toward DBing.
My wife wears ring somtimes and sometimes not. I've kept mine on.
I agree this is a great thread. My 2 cents worth. As far as rings... H stopped wearing his before he moved out and about the same time I know affair started. I have done about everything, worn it on my right hand, not worn at all and worn it on the left. Sort of represents my state of mind for the day, but after reading this I realize I bet I'm really messing with H's mind becuase he's seen me with all three different ways. So it's back on the left hand and it's staying there.
I snooped like crazy because my inner gut told me there was an OW and he lied over and over about it. I ended up finally telling him I knew during a counseling session and since that time we have started to become frinds again. For me, I had to have him admit the truth before I could stop building up the resentment. He's still very much with OW but there is less tension between us. Maybe I would have eventually gotten to the point where I didn't care about OW, but at that juncture it was what enabled me to stop resenting him for lying stop the snooping. Just my situation however, many spouses react very differently. And both of us acknowledging it did not end the affair or bring him home... yet .
I think one of the best actions is the 180. Do something the S would never think you would do. I did this and I don't know the effects of it yet, (haven't seen W since) But I feel my actions started to make her think.
W drop the big bomb om me a week ago. I looked at her and let her finish what she was saying and then without changing my PMA I tolded her how I felt about the bomb and said my peace. She had to stop me and ask if I heard what she had said and if it had hit me or not. I relyed and said I did and it hurts a great deal.
This is somthing I would have never of done. I would have put up the biggest fight and may have broken down a cried. But I showed her someone new a changed H and with a strong PMA. I have not heard from her as of yet. But I feel great about it.
So I guess the actions I did that night not only made her think about things, but made me feel better as a person and with myself.
So actions speak louder than words to you as well as the other person....
So keep DB'ing and think about the actions that can change you for the better.
TH, I read about your incident at the C where W bombed you big time. I was proud that you did not freak. When my W said she thought she wanted and S at the C session, I fell apart. That night was my final night of doom and gloom. Everything was different the next day.
Action was what pulled me out of the abyss. Action and keeping my mouth shut.
For me this was where I quit whining, crying, pleading, suspecting, resenting and installled a new PMA. It's been almost 4 months now and it sure works. Removing the pressure from W allowed her to see a little more clearly.
Anyone else out there have BIG 180's that had positive results?
My 180 experience so far has had mixed results. I have stopped initiating all contact w/ my WAW, and she almost immediately started contacting me every other day. The mixed results are that sometimes the calls I do get are filled w/ resentment and bitter hostility. I always play it cool, not allowing myself to be sucked in to an arguement that is unwinnable. I'd say that for the most part, the old 180 does work, just unpredictable sometimes if not all the time.
I did the same. I didn't call my W even if she didn't call me on the selected day to talk. She end up calling me on a day when we were not setup to talk. She said sorry I didn't call you last week I was busy. I said no problem and left it at that.
One thing I did that I was happy about. In the C session she said " If I said I wanted to come home last night you would of said sure anytime, or if I said I wanted to come tonight you would taken me back in". I replyed by saying "No I would not, I do think coming home would be that easy and we would have to talk alot more a get our R back on track before you come home, You have been gone for 2 months. I don't know what you have been doing or anything" She sat there and look at me with the stragest look on her face like I was someone else.
Now granted I have not talked to the W since then. That was a week and ahalf ago. But the feeling I got from that was well worth it. She past the ball and I slammed it back at her. Now I just have to see what happens next.
Just some food for thought.. I hope everyone is doing well.
One other thing I forgot. I did alot of snopping. Since I'm the one in the house still. One night when her car was parked across the street I went and started snopping to see what I could find. I found some letters she had writen to herself about the both of us. It made me see some things that I had not seen before about myself. After that night I had stopped snopping. I felt myself slipping into a strange place and I didn't want to go there. I felt that if I keep doing this I would never get anywhere and become the person I never wanted to be. But marriages will do that to a person.
Someone once told me that in a marriage you have to remain your own person. You cannot let the marriage consume you and change into something that you are not. I failed, I let the marriage and the world change me. Now I have to change myself back for me. Maybe some day the W will see this and maybe not. Be at least I know I have done anything I know how to, to make myself feel good about who I am as a person.....
I do have have the plate # of OM's truck but have not pursued that avenue. I think it would only lead to alot more pain, and there's enough of that goin' around already.
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