I have to say that I removed my ring and gave it to H to hold on to telling him that it hurt to much to wear it. That the vows we made mean alot to me and if he ever found the love in his heart for me to bring me back my ring. I did wear my engagement ring for a while but now I have stopped wearing it too. There are times I think about putting it back on, but something always seems to stop me. I do love him and want him to come home, yet I know there is the Ow in the way. I am afraid that if I keep wearing the ring my H will not believe that I have set him free to pursue Ow, and that I want him to be happy. But I have made it clear that I will always love him, and that I care about him.
My wedding ring was just a symbol of my love to others, but the love I feel in my heart is what really matters to me.
I hope you and your W are doing great, when ever I start to believe that my H is never coming back I think of you, and others here who have gotten another chance to make their M great, and realize that I also can have faith and hope that my H will come home too.
Busted! I do care what he thinks. You're right. I DON'T WANT TO CARE what he thinks though. I still feel like the rings are for a marriage I don't have anymore. I won't change my mind on that one. You have an open invitation to come to Connecticut and beat the sh*t out of him anytime you want.
If someone was going to follow the DB rules to a T then would not it be beneficial to know the facts? So you can form a plan? Kent, you probably remember telling me not to hire a PI. I did not and will no longer obsess about what I think I'm seeing (interpreting.) Because interpretations are one thing and cold hard fact is another. For all of you who are worried about what you don't know for a fact, stop obsessing! It's so counterproductive. But, if the only way to NOT obsess is to find out the truth, would that not be better? At least you'll know what you are dealing with. But would we be strong enough to deal with the truth? Only we can answer that and hindsight is always much clearer.
W quit wearing her rings a couple weeks after leaving. The first time I asked about it she said she had been doing dishes. The second time I asked she said she was cleaning the bathroom. The third time I asked she said she wanted to feel what it was like not to be married. The fourth time I asked she said she felt it was not right to wear them since she left me. Gee I should have asked a couple more times. Before I found you guys and gals I did so many things wrong. I know now that my wife isn't committed to this marriage. She is not sure that she wants to be married. So not wearing the rings is not the most important thing for me to worry about. It's all part of giving the W the gift of time and space. I must say the first time not seeing her wearing them was devastating. But I must have come a long way since then. As for me I quit wearing mine after about a year because it was ruined from my job. It wasn't a big deal for my W as far as I know. Or was it? I would be so happy to wear it now, but I don't think that would send any good message. I do take my wedding vows very serious as does the W. It must be hard for her not to wear them.
What a great post! I have been struggling with both of these issues and have heard conflicting answers. Just the other day I decided that I want to work on my marriage regardless of whether there was a PA with my H and a coworker. I don't believe it's ongoing, more like an EA that might have gotten out of hand. I took my ring off for a day or so prior to this decision, but every time I looked down I felt awful. I also was worried that a co-worker or family member would ask why it wasn't on and I am not ready to explain to the world my present situation.
Incidently, I spoke with my H a few minutes ago and did not ask question after question about the OW, speak about OR, or grovel. I told him how busy I am with school and work and the dog and going out with my friends. He told me that I sounded great and he was so happy about that. He also suggested that we have lunch next week and maybe see me this weekend. It feels much better than my begging him to tell me if he slept with the OW, all the details of their relationship if he didn't, etc. I truly feel good about us working things out..
The point is not to just take my advice. I heard plenty of issues related to rings. My only point would be that when everyone is confused with what is going on in the R why throw a perceived negative towards an unsure spouse. There is no absolute right answer. A good way to put it is what fits your situation.
Another thought is THANK GOD OUR WAW'S AND WAH'S DON'T LISTEN TO ALL THE WORDS COMING OUT OF OUR MOUTHS. If they did we would all be divorced already. Dbing teaches us to temper our tongues and use words wisely. Stop the whining, pleading, crying, questioning, insinuating. While the WAS tends to miss the positive things one might say, The negative comments accumulate in their minds and are difficult to erase. If we are caught up in emotion, not knowing the best words to support our ultimate goal (reconcilliation), better to back off and say nothing.
Come on DBers, there are more issues related to ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. Help me out here. I want this to be an open discussion with help from the pros that are sitting out there.
OK, why don't we discuss the subject of "snooping" ?
Before this crisis, I would have said I was against it. But my W tortured me with missing phone records, secret phone calls, beeper hits, and sneaking away mysteriously. I found myself compelled to investigate, usually at 2am after waking from a fitfull sleep.
I found $220 cell phone bills to the OM's number, compromising photos of them both, discovered she snuck off to dance with him, and some phone recordings revealed they "loved" each other w/ lots of sexual banter.
Although each discovery was profoundly devastating, sitting here now I'm glad I know (more closely) exactly what was going on. I know that the purported "friendship" was much more and I am operating from something more close to reality. She'd still maintain they were "just friends" if I didn't make the discoveries. I'd rather know that she had an A and CHOOSE to forgive, than to hide from it and have it never revealed. I bet hidden lies fester over time and poison the relationship later. Guilt would take a toll.
I believe that many of the most productive actions that we can take in DBing are those that do not in fact directly relate to our interaction or relationship with our spouses. DBing is really, at its core, about self growth and development isn't it? And when we are well on the road and gaining momentum in journey of self growth, our spouses should see and be positively affected by that growth, right?
So, some of the most positive actions we can take "for our spouses" are really positive actions we take for ourselves, to make ourselves happy and enrich our own lives irregardless of what occurs with our spouses.
Some of the outward or visible, and positive, actions (and they do have to be able to be visible by our spouses in order to have an effect on them) that I have enacted in the past few months and will be enacting in the coming months: - I have become much more physically involved in my church and my daughters' school. - I have been working out, eating right, and getting in good physical shape (and dressing better too). - I've drastically curbed my use of bad language (actually greatly irked my wife the other day when she was freaking out and being verbally abusive to me by saying "shame on you" to her, rather than the usual retort she might expect). - I'm going to take flying lessons this spring or early summer (how's that for "rising above" our relationship problems? Ha!)
That's a few examples. And maybe the neatest thing about focusing on positive actions in our lives is that not only do they positively affect our relationship with our spouses but they really will have a big and lasting influence on our own attitudes and ability to deal with the pain and heartache inherent in DBing.
So, our actions speak loud to ourselves too I guess, don't they?
Survivin, I found alot of the same stuff, minus the photos and the tele recordings. I did find e-mails that crossed the line, cell phone bills with 20-30 calls per month to OM, intimate gifts. Again every situation is different. I never found the absolute proof that I needed, but in my mind, I had so much that it had to be true. Or did it? In my case the snooping almost destroyed me and my R. I decided that knowing was not going to further my goal. I have not given up or have I hid from it. If it happened, it was in the past and not the present. I hope to learn more someday and I'm willing to wait for W to talk about it.
DavidKS, Yes, An important issue for you to bring up. Lets face it, a big part of this is just survivin through it. We can be miserable and let the situation rule us. Or we can stand up and fight for what we want. Alot of it is about happiness. One of the most important lessons I learned is that I was relying on others to make me happy. I relied on others to define who I was. Not no more. A big side benefit is that our spouse sees us as a strong, happy person and they begin to wonder what they are leavin. It happens!
