I am opening this topic of discussion for the good of all on this board. Man, has this forum been crazy lately!
I see alot of confusion about what is right and what is wrong. I presume that all on this board are primarily interested in restoring their marriages. Unfortunately, I see alot of posts on this board that are sending a different message loud and clear.
The biggest issue seems to be finding the truth about affairs.It seems that many of us are hung up on this issue. We must know the truth and we need it now. Unfortunately, efforts to finding the truth tend to exacerbate strain on an already damaged relationship. I speak from the position of experience. My spying, prying, questioning and paying to have tele #'s traced brought me and my wife great pain. It almost ended my already strained marriage.
I chose to give up my search for me. I could not handle the pain it caused and I realized that it was counterproductive to my primary mission which was restore my marriage. If trust is to be restored, someone needs to make the first move. Let it be us.
I still am not sure about my W's adventures and wether or not she had a PA. However, I no longer dwell on this issue. I figure she will tell me if and when she is ready. How can I say this? How can I let it drop? Simple, I chose to forgive, if in fact it ever actually happened.
I have also seen a number of discussions about removal of wedding rings. I know this is a sensitive topic for some. This is my view.
The wedding band has deep emotional meaning. It is the visible sign post of our committment to another human being. It is displayed for all to see, so that they know of your committment. So if you are married, why would you consider taking it off? What kind of message does this send to your spouse during a time of great confusion and distress. The signal that it sends to me is that I have given up and I am no longer committed. If this is true, great. However, don't think the action of removing the ring will help restore your marriage. To continue wearing the wedding band during one of the most terrible times in our life is a sign of strength in our committment and vows. It shows that we are the "port in the storm".
Again, Our actions speak louder than words. Much louder. Our actions have credibility when our words often go unheard. I urge others to comment and add to this thread. I think it can be a learning experience for all of us.
I'm probably the only person in my group of people that know of my situation that doesn't think W is having a PA, or at least a EA.
I made the choice when the shit hit the fan that I would not spy, follow, etc. regarding this part of my life. If she is, and if she tells me about at a later time (or I find out by accident) I'm already in the place I need to be to forgive her.
It's hard. Having thoughts once in awhile that W may be in the arms of another man. But I block it out!!!!!!!
I know that some folks here my think I'm just fooling myself with this. But, it's my way of handling it. It's working for me and I'm sure I've made the right choice. It may not be the choice everyone makes. There's already enough work here for me to do. Making my marriage work is hard.
KENT I AM NEW TO THIS FORUM AND HOPE IT WILL PROVIDE THE ANSWERS I AM LOOKING FOR. YOUR ADVICE ABOUT NOT SPYING MAKES SENSE. I DESPERATELY WANT TO TRUST MY W BUT FIND IT EXTREMELY HARD TO DO SO. I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE THAT THE PAIN OF KNOWING FAR EXCEEDS THE PAIN OF NOT KNOWING. I STILL FIND IT HARD TO LET IT GO EVEN THOUGH I KNOW IT CAUSES ME TERRIBLE MENTAL ANGUISH. THERE IS A REMARKABLE PARALLEL BETWEEN MOST OF THE STORIES ON HERE. I THOUGHT I WAS WALKING ALONE ON THIS ONE, THAT NO ONE ELSE WAS WALKING IN MY SHOES. I AM HAPPY TO SEE THAT MAYBE THERE IS A SOLUTION TO MY MARITAL PROBLEMS OR AT LEAST THERE IS SOME SUPPORT OUT THERE. I DIDNT HAVE A CLUE AS TO WHERE TO GET HELP. IM GLAD I CAME TO THIS FORUM
Thanks for the information. I agree with most of everything you said, but have something to add for people to ponder.
I think that knowing if there is an affair is part of the healing process and also needs to be known if sex is still going on within the marriage. You can bet that if the WA is having an affair on you, the last thing they care about is giving you some STD or HIV. They are too selfish and self centered to think about anything but themselves and can not see the future.
I am not saying to beg, follow, plead or anything else that may drive them further away, but there are ways to find out without the WA knowing you are on to them. I think one has to know for their own health reasons.
Kent, I agree one can choose for forgive without knowing if an Affair took place, but one never forgets. I think in order the heal and truly put it behind you, one has to know the truth, face it, deal with it, and bury it. I will liken it to an adopted child always having that wonder of who his/her real parents are. They are perfectly happy with the adopted parents, but have no closure til they find out the truth about their real parents.
Knowing the truth can bring about a healing and freedom like no other. Also, if the marriage is to survive, the details of the affair will have to come out....It is an integral part of surviving an affair....I know....I was there 4 year ago.
Kent, I agree with you on the wedding rings. I am going too wear mine untill the divorce is final or when I feel I can take no more. I need too hold down a strong front for my marriage, my committment too this marriage, even if he has given up. I know he has given up on this but he wont admit it. He says that I gave up on us a long time ago. H said I knew what had too be done too save this marriage and even though i did them, its too late now. I had a "deadline" and I went past it. also, if my marriage ment that much too me, I would have done what it took "then" too make that happen. He stands strong with the fact that hes not in love with me anymore. Says he has forgiven me but doesnt love me. Im hanging in there though. Im going on with my life and doing what I need to do here, but Im still holding on to my marriage untill the fat lady sings.
Wedding ring: to wear or not to wear. Had mine off for last couple of weeks, probably big mistake. Last night saw the W. and she had taken off her wedding ring, a new development. Guess what, mine is shined up and back where it belongs. Will she put her ring back on? Don't know, not within my control. Hope she does but the subject will not come up unless she brings it up! I love her folks, this is a not-so-suttle way to show her my committment, though I may have already blown it. Don't do the same!
I'm wearing my ring, but my W (separated 2 months) has had hers off for about a month.
Hurts to see that bare finger. Any insight into what they're thinking by not wearing it... is it to show they are available, or perhaps they take it off due to guilt... or something else?
