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A Message from Michele
Page 8 of 9 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 >
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#2739250 - 04/17/17 12:55 PM Re: Running Out of Time [Re: 25yearsmlc]
LH19 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/17
Posts: 233
Thank you 25 years for the thoughtful insightful input.

*****Maybe she doesn't know how to find authenticity under your roof and maybe that's based on the past and she cannot envision her self actualization around you.****

I agree with this completely. She has mentioned often she feels like her identity was mainly LH's wife.

Absolutely, if we ever reconciled it would have to include intensive marriage counseling.
_________________________
M:48 W:43
T:22 M:16
S:12 D:8

"No matter how much it hurts now, someday you will look back and realize your struggles changed your life for the better."

Top
#2739257 - 04/17/17 01:33 PM Re: Running Out of Time [Re: LH19]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 12542
Loc: CA- now East coast
Originally Posted By: LH19
Thank you 25 years for the thoughtful insightful input.

*****Maybe she doesn't know how to find authenticity under your roof and maybe that's based on the past and she cannot envision her self actualization around you.****

I agree with this completely. She has mentioned often she feels like her identity was mainly LH's wife.

Absolutely, if we ever reconciled it would have to include intensive marriage counseling.






Yes. May I also suggest that in the event you try to piece and reconcile, she and you both get IC?

That's a regret I have about our piecing. It was interrupted by h's mother's cancer, about 9 months after we reconciled. Then 18 months of her illness and then death.

Point is, we tabled our issues once we reconciled, as soon as the new crisis rose. If I could go back in time, I'd have explored a lot more in depth with h, and myself

b/c it's a huge ordeal for all. In fairness, I did a LOT of work on myself then, and have often sought therapy for new issues so I'm not avoidant of that. H is avoidant, clearly. And showing signs of some veneer wearing thin and scattered thinking (per my L)

but that's not my problem. It's his.

I only mention this ^^ b/c I wish HE had done more work on himself not b/c I was perfect

but b'c he was so NOT self aware. I mean, here we are again

and now I have no reserves for it. Life is short.


_________________________
M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H solo - ALASKA, 2006
Piece 7/07
Retrovaille-M Restored 8/08

*2016*
H Alaska Again!
Groundhog Day
I File D 10/16
OW

Don't look back, it's not where you're going

Top
#2739258 - 04/17/17 01:38 PM Re: Running Out of Time [Re: 25yearsmlc]
LH19 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/17
Posts: 233
I am really sorry things didn't work out for you and your H.

I have been in IC for 2.5 years.It has helped me immensely.

Wife refuses to go even at the request of her sister.
_________________________
M:48 W:43
T:22 M:16
S:12 D:8

"No matter how much it hurts now, someday you will look back and realize your struggles changed your life for the better."

Top
#2739266 - 04/17/17 02:14 PM Re: Running Out of Time [Re: LH19]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 12542
Loc: CA- now East coast
I know how rough it is when your spouse behaves in a way that you & others see as destructive, and yet seeks no IC for their choices.

My lesson (which I still work on daily!) is that it's his sandbox, not mine.

Stay in your sandbox and work on you. Your toys, your tools, your problems and your growth, etc.

Your w has her own sandbox and if she is not working in it, or just plays, that's too bad.

We all have to stay in our own boxes b/c we all have work to do in our own. Detachment is key for you and that's probably your biggest challenge right now.

Do you think?

((( )))
_________________________
M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H solo - ALASKA, 2006
Piece 7/07
Retrovaille-M Restored 8/08

*2016*
H Alaska Again!
Groundhog Day
I File D 10/16
OW

Don't look back, it's not where you're going

Top
#2739288 - 04/17/17 04:50 PM Re: Running Out of Time [Re: 25yearsmlc]
LH19 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/17
Posts: 233
Detachment has been hard for me since day one. Control was one of the issues that I have been working on. I have been better lately since I realized divorce is most likely the outcome.
_________________________
M:48 W:43
T:22 M:16
S:12 D:8

"No matter how much it hurts now, someday you will look back and realize your struggles changed your life for the better."

Top
#2739942 - 04/21/17 08:11 AM Re: Running Out of Time [Re: LH19]
LH19 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/17
Posts: 233
My wife is pushing to fill out my divorce paperwork because she can't get a mortgage until she knows how much M/CS she is going to receive.

The fighter in me wants to fight it and drag my feet but my friend thinks that would be viewed as more controlling behavior.

If I look at this logically and say to myself "she has put you first for 20 years of this relationship and now she feels she needs to start putting herself first and is asking for me to set her free". Shouldn't I? If I truly love her, or is me holding on another selfish act on my part?

I keep rereading this post from Accuracy and feel like this is me dead on:

Why are you doing it? Why are you so obsessed with W? You were in a relationship with a woman who wasn't meeting your needs, who would irrationally blame you for anything that went wrong, and then cheated on you and lied to you. Why is that a prize worth making the focus of your waking attention?

The reason is that you are grasping to re-establish a feeling of control over your life.

When W dropped the bomb she ripped your sense of stability away from you. From your perspective you didn't do anything to deserve it, you couldn't stop it from happening, and you couldn't put things back together afterwards.

That would make anyone feel totally out of control, spinning down the drain, and that is a horrible feeling!

You are trying to analyze and understand everything so that you can build it into a rational model so that it will never, ever happen to you again. If I can avoid doing X, then Y will never happen. In addition, you want to unlock this puzzle, to deconstruct it so you can find the solution that will allow you to rebuild it. Finding that key would provide immense comfort.

Your brain has convinced itself that getting W back, or getting W to apologize and declare a desire to have you back is the very best and fastest way to restore your feeling of being in control.

With the benefit of time and distance, you'll realize that's what it's really all about, it's about regaining the ability to feel in control of your life and your future. It really has very little to do with W or who she is as a person, she's a lever to get you what you want, but that's really just an illusion.

I have fought hard for 2.5 years and I feel great about being able to tell my kids that yeah dad made some mistakes but he fought like h$ll to keep this family together.

Lastly, I was talking to a woman today who's husband age 51 was in a car accident and has brain damage and will never lead a normal life again. Can't work, sleeps 18 hours a day can't do his passions, hunting, fishing and camping. Sometimes can't remember his wife's name.

I felt horrible for her and for a long time I realized that maybe my situation is not the end of the world. Maybe my life will be better.

Thoughts?
_________________________
M:48 W:43
T:22 M:16
S:12 D:8

"No matter how much it hurts now, someday you will look back and realize your struggles changed your life for the better."

Top
#2739949 - 04/21/17 08:47 AM Re: Running Out of Time [Re: LH19]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 12542
Loc: CA- now East coast
yes to your realizations...

if the amount of support is "close enough" then remember that divorce is a piece of paper.

if it's really too much and you cannot afford it, then decide what hill you are going to fight and die on, and get a number.

LH, I've had a rough year. Not just the divorce either. Lost my mom, moved twice, have a new possibly life changing medical issue out of the blue, last child off to college, living alone the first time in my life...

lots of transitions and a "new normal" is happening. I'm in my childhood stomping grounds. And I have remained close to several of my friends.

In my circle, I felt the support of 4 good women in my life actively contacting me or hanging out. We have an active communication network of almost daily contact.

Since my mom 16 months ago, one of the 4 was diagnosed with cancer, 1 got a lung transplant that isn't going smoothly at all, and a 3rd lost one of her two children to an undiagnosed heart problem (apparently semi common in athletes)

The 4th has had 2 children hospitalized the past 6 months.

(Yeah, On the whole, I'd rather be me.)

Even though "could have been worse" beliefs only goes so far, they can remind us to have empathy and know that everyone out there is fighting a battle of their own.
Even our spouses.

How are your GAL going?

((( )))
_________________________
M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H solo - ALASKA, 2006
Piece 7/07
Retrovaille-M Restored 8/08

*2016*
H Alaska Again!
Groundhog Day
I File D 10/16
OW

Don't look back, it's not where you're going

Top
#2739976 - 04/21/17 10:28 AM Re: Running Out of Time [Re: 25yearsmlc]
LH19 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/17
Posts: 233
25,

I feel really bad you have to go through all of this at once. As you do, I also have a great support group.

My GAL is strong, gym six days a week, coach son's baseball, drinks with friends Saturday and remodeling the family's summer cottage for the upcoming Summer.

I am grateful for many of the great things I have in my life.
_________________________
M:48 W:43
T:22 M:16
S:12 D:8

"No matter how much it hurts now, someday you will look back and realize your struggles changed your life for the better."

Top
#2740377 - 04/24/17 10:29 AM Re: Running Out of Time [Re: LH19]
Tryin2figuritout Offline
Member

Registered: 03/14/13
Posts: 313
Originally Posted By: LH19
I felt horrible for her and for a long time I realized that maybe my situation is not the end of the world. Maybe my life will be better.

Thoughts?

As painful as it can be, we all know it could always be worse. The day I told my family about our separation was the day my W and kids worked a charity event for people who have had termed pregnancies or lost children (SIDS, etc.). My Sister and BIL lost their 3rd child at 36-weeks and now my brother and SIL have had two miscarriages since August.

While I am feeling control of my emotions, it was still not the greatest day, but to see these parents supporting each other for the loss of a child was overwhelming.

LH, seems like you've got a great perspective on this and need to just keep moving forward. All the best.
_________________________
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10
Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13
Reconcile: 07/07/13
Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17
Apartment Life: 04/21/17
PA Confirmed: 05/23/17

Top
#2740399 - 04/24/17 11:33 AM Re: Running Out of Time [Re: Tryin2figuritout]
LH19 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/17
Posts: 233
Tryin,

I keep moving forward knowing someday one way or another I will be happy again.

I feel guilty at times for the kids. Although it is my wife's decision to divorce, I feel like if I would have been a better husband in the past this would't be happening.

I wish when I was younger I had the relationship skills that I have learned over the last 2.5 years.

I know I will be a much better partner to someone in the future. it just drives me crazy that it will most likely be with someone else and not the mother of my children.

The biggest lessons learned come from your biggest mistakes.
_________________________
M:48 W:43
T:22 M:16
S:12 D:8

"No matter how much it hurts now, someday you will look back and realize your struggles changed your life for the better."

Top
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