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FightOn #2739224 04/17/17 09:54 AM
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Originally Posted By: FightOn
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First, keeping him home does not impact his day one bit. It changes absolutely nothing for him. I don't understand why he wanted to argue with me about this? Why pick a fight about this? I am at a loss for understanding. He was hostile and a little aggressive in his tone. I felt like I was being attacked and severely criticized for my decision.

Second, it saddens be a great deal that this is the type of parent he is being. Rather than allow S to stay home and get some rest, he would rather him go to daycare? I cried on the way to work thinking this is how H will likely parent S when I am not around. S will get sent to daycare or school because it is more convenient for H. This breaks my heart. It absolutely brings me to tears every time I think about this.

I am trying to be strong. I am trying to pray to God for more patient and understanding and compassion. I am trying to understand what exactly is the lesson I am suppose to be learning in all of this? What is it? Should I be detaching from S too? Is this something God would be telling me I need to do or is it something else?


[color:#993399]FightOn ....slow down. You went from a question posed from your H to a whole imagined future of doom for your child that had you in tears and questioning whether or not you should detach from your own, young son. Whew! That escalated quickly!

So, step back. Take a breath. You have a sick child. You made a decision to keep him home, made arrangements to have him cared for,
and your reasons are not only valid, but keeping him home for those reasons is encouraged by most schools and daycares (and work sites!). Ask yourself this: If it doesn't affect your H, why is his question affecting you, no matter what tone he uses? It is ok to stand by your logical decision and simply answer his question, nicely. Assume nothing about his intent or motives for asking. Many people (adults) believe you s*ck it up and tough it out...and think even small children should. You may have felt he was picking a fight, but that's an assumption. And assumptions are mind reading...and who can do that? Really, even if you know what he's thinking, does it affect your decision? Probably not.

A question is just a question and requires nothing more than an answer. Nothing more, nothing less. Our emotions about what's going on with our H do not need to come into play and effect our reply. Just the facts, ma'am.

As to assumptions about parenting when you're not around...your child will be fine, although maybe uncomfortable at times. If he's sent to school sick, most likely there will be a call or comment from the daycare about the appropriateness of this. It might even be a topic you bring up with XH or even the daycare as to a protcol...in the future. But that future hasn't happened yet, and you've made a decision for today. Be strong and simply stand, calmly, and answer the question...and leave it behind.

Pray to God for strength and patience...but as to what lesson you're supposed to learn from all of this? Maybe its just those two things I just suggested you pray for. It seems to be a recurring theme on these boards; praying for those two things is usually granted by becoming the lesson learned. It will get better.




M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
ciluzen #2739377 04/18/17 09:08 AM
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Thank you Ciluzen for the reminder to slow down. I have a bad tendency to escalate things in my head.

Thank you Job for your quick reply as well. I called the doctor's office and went in. All is fine. Just a bad cold. Per usual suggestion, if it worsens, call back.

In the meantime, H told me this morning that I am going to be served. He graciously added that he won't do it to me at work. What a nice guy, huh?

The conversation came up in the context of putting the house up for sale. He said he was going to have some minor repairs completed this week and then contact the listing agent. I told him that I am not agreeable to that.

Of course, he became angry. Per his usual M.O. he put on his work supervisor cap and began talking to me like I was some kind of minion in his employ. He went on and on about how he has no idea what my plans are and that I haven't share them with him. (Yup, totally own that) He also went on and on about how I don't talk. (Yup, totally own that.) I let him vent and he then he said, well, we can take care of that in the divorce. In my mind I thought, damn right. That's when he made the comment about not having me served at work. Lol!

After S woke up, a ton more PA behavior. He asked S to pick up his toys and then told him that it is good training to stay clean and orderly for when he joins the Marines (something he knows I have reservations about). Later on, more comments about sugar content of food and more preaching about the virtues of eating clean. (Insert eye roll here.)

Then when we weren't ready to be out the door by 7:15 a.m., he told me that in the future he would like us to be ready to leave at that time so he can be present when we drop S off at daycare and he can be on time for work. Otherwise, he can't be there for the drop off. My only reply was that I will continue to do the best that I can.

I didn't reply to any of his remarks, comments, rants. I just let it all flow through me. There is no point. And really, at this point, if I take position A, he will take position B. I don't see any point telling him anything just so he can contradict me or argue.

I am trying to focus on my future and the things that I need to get done.

I still find myself ruminating about H and the OW and wanting so badly that they not get back together. Them being together would just be another dagger to my heart. I don't know how much more can I take. I also find myself thinking that I want him to be unhappy. Intellectually and morally, I know it's wrong and selfish. I find myself wanting or thinking I need it to validate the way I see things (i.e., the marriage wasn't as he has rewritten it, I am not a terrible person/horrible partner).

While I know THEIR relationship has nothing to do with me; it feels as if it does. I don't know why.

I don't like that some outside event, completely out of my control, is something I am looking to help make me happy. It's like hoping a certain team loses so your team can advance. I've never liked that line of thinking.

Throughout this journey I have believed that the chances of H changing his mind were slim. And seeing what happens on these boards has confirmed it. Nevertheless, I charged forward with every ounce of my being to make change. In some respects I have succeeded and in that regard I am grateful. I won't be able to save the marriage and that is okay. I think I have slowly come to terms with that. What I still have trouble with is the thought that I am also losing my son. And that I cannot bear.

FightOn #2739403 04/18/17 10:55 AM
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I am so very sorry that he's acting out. He has no control over anything in his life, so he wants to control you and your son right down to what he eats.

Don't believe a thing he says about not serving you at work. Some of them say that and then turn right around and do it. My papers came in the mail several days after Christmas with nothing but one cents stamps all over the envelope. How's that for a lawyer's office?

He really is trying to justify what he's doing, but it's falling on deaf ears because you know that you are doing the best you can dealing w/everything.

Think of the ow this way...right now, it's a fantasy and one that both of them have been dreaming about. The sooner that they are together all of the time, the sooner they will see the flaws and warts of their situation. She's not getting a prize by any means, i.e., he's miserable and he's a "used" model. You had the best of him and now she's getting the shell of the man he use to be.

Take care of yourself and your son. You've done the best you can w/what you've had to work with. Continue moving forward.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2739408 04/18/17 11:37 AM
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Thank you so much Job. I am struggling right now. Your words are so helpful as I am so desperate for validation and support.

You really think he is out of control? He just seems so in control. Like he has everything figured out. I guess I am only seeing what is on the outside and what he is saying.

When I think about it the control thing does seem really important to him. For example, this morning I sent him a text asking him about his schedule for the weekend. He texted back, why do you want to know. I thought that was a hostile response, but responded politely that I am thinking about things I would like to do this weekend. Then he asked me if I had plans to take S on a overnight visit somewhere. (H is purportedly working an overtime shift Saturday evening into Sunday morning.) I sense a control issue. I had no overnight plans and politely responded.

Why do MLCers have such a strong need to control everything around them?

Should I hand over the reigns with regards to some things? Or should I do as suits me? Would it matter if he weren't going forward with D?

Thank you everyone. I am having a hard day and could use the support.

FightOn #2739414 04/18/17 12:23 PM
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MLCers are operating on pure emotions. When a person is very emotional, they can't always think straight and do things that they normally may not do. MLCers are that way. They may appear in control, but really they aren't. They want to control everything. They want to know everything you are doing, and yet, not share anything of their lives.

You have to remember, as children, they were seen, not heard, nor validated. They were "controlled" by authority figures, so w/going back in time, they need to be in control over something, be it you, the divorce, your child etc.

The way I read his response back to you is that he felt like you were trying to find out he is doing for the week. In his mind, he doesn't think he needs to tell you everything he does or what he has planned. Your request was a simple one, so I would suggest that you ignore his response back to you. It's really not about you, but more about him and how he's dealing w/his own life crisis.

I would only hand over the reins on things that you feel comfortable with. No matter what you do, it would still be the same reactions/behaviors w/him even if he weren't going forward w/the divorce. Once the divorce is finalized, you will need to think about having some Plan B's in place for child care and other things. Co-parenting w/an MLCer is difficult on the best of days.

Continue as you have been. Don't allow him to see you sweat! The calmer you remain, the better. If he sees that he is rattling your chain, he may very well continue to do so whenever he wants to control your situation.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2739435 04/18/17 02:02 PM
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Oh FightOn, I'm so sorry about being told you will be served D papers soon. I actually felt sick reading this especially how cold and clinical your H makes it seem. Like there is no emotion in it. Like telling you he won't serve you at work makes it better and you should be grateful. The whole legal system surrounding divorce is ridiculous and antiquated. It does not treat the people involved like living, breathing human beings. Being told you are going to be served is like asking if you can just stand still by that wall over there whilst I aim this gun at your head!

You are very brave to continue as you are. If that was me I would be a heap of nothing, fit for nothing. I'm absolutely dreading it. When my first H served me it was just a big brown envelope sent in the post and I didn't know it was coming. I still remember the sick feeling I had and if I had known then what I know now I wouldn't have been so quick to sort it all out. I thought legally I HAD to do everything straight away.

Thanks also for visiting me. I'm going to over to my thread now and respond to all the lovely messages.

Take care.


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Coly23 #2739447 04/18/17 02:35 PM
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Flight on,
I'm sorry your h told you about being served this week. It's not a good feeling, but I can tell you that everything your h is doing is just par for the course. There's nothing you can do about it. My ex also let me know that he went out of his way not to serve me at work. What a guy!

If I asked my ex a question, he hated answering, especially if it was to a question that would garner the slightest bit of control on my end. " hey Ex, should I pick up the dog registration on this date or this date." The response I would get was completely disproportionate to the question. I would get back a scowled face with a "I don't know, I don't know" response. Ahhh the aliens.

As Job said, continue to be the cool calm cucumber.


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
Pax_luv #2739546 04/19/17 07:57 AM
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I definitely think Job is right about the control. The beautiful thing here is that he thinks he has control by filing and proceeding with the divorce, but that very act will cause him to lose the control he seeks with you. I know this is hard. I am living it too. Right now you are feeling the fear. On the other side of that is freedom. You just have to go a little further into that uncomfortable place. Lean into that fear. Embrace it. You are going to survive and flourish. He and OW will likely not be happy as Job says. In time that won't matter to you because you really will not care.

OwnIt #2739585 04/19/17 12:12 PM
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Oh thank you all for your responses!

Getting all this feedback and clear perspective helps steady me. I really do count on it to get me through.

Sorry this post is so long; there is a question at the end so feel free to skip ahead. Lol! I find writing this all out really helps me to see all of his anger, which I find puzzling. He is the one who cheated. He is the one who wants to quit. He is the one who is giving up; yet he has all this anger and hostility directed toward me.

My family and friends think it is because I refused to file and now he "has to be the bad guy" by filing, so here he is the "family" man who had an affair with a younger woman while his wife was pregnant and how he's leaving us. I also exposed his true self by exposing the affair. He is angry at all these things and blames me for all of it.

I realize it's all speculation. I guess I am just trying to understand something that is really completely irrational, emotional, and inexplicable.

When I am around him, I do the cool calm cucumber act. I find it actually really helps to try to remain detached and look at him objectively.

From this vantage point it is easier to see him spinning. It is almost like the calmer I am, the more ramped up he gets.

Last night when he came home, he saw S and I dangling our feet in the pool (we live in Southern California). It was a beautiful day and the water was warm. He walked up and startled me because I didn't know he was home. No introduction. No hi. He immediately launched into "do you think it's a good idea to have him put his feet in the pool since he is sick?" He apparently is of the school of thought that you can get sick from being wet or being cold. Ugh. I have tried in the past to explain to him that this is an old wives tale, but to no avail. Yesterday evening, I just pointed out that he was well enough to go to school and he is energetic and eating well, it's just a nasty sounding cold. He gave me the old geezer "hrmmmp" and then sulked.

He then proceeded to follow me and S around the backyard while we played. He didn't say anything. He didn't do anything, just followed. All the while he was also appearing to "inspect" the exterior of the house. He put on quite a good show. I completely ignored him. Funny thing is, so did S.

During dinner he made a quip about the mashed potatoes I make having too much "stuff" in them. He said next time he will make mashed potatoes with just mashed potatoes. (I put real butter, whipping cream, and some salt in mine.) His obsession with food is just nuts. I just ignored it.

When we put S down, S didn't want H. S kept crying and holding his arms out to me. He pitched a fit about H. H got angry, and said, I know, I know, you don't want me; it's all about momma. But remember S, you're stuck with me. Oh my. I ignored it.

After dinner he retreated to his room and hunkered down.

This morning, more snide remarks about the "sugary" breakfast cereal I was feeding S. Nevermind the vegan sausage, egg, and fruit that went along with the cereal. I ignored it.

I can't help but wonder if S also notice something unpleasant about H because there was more "no daddy, no daddy" from him this morning. He wanted nothing to do with H. H of course noticed and made some more angry/grump remarks. I ignored it.

So here is my question . . . H and I have different priorities and styles of parenting at this point. After we divorce, I know I will have no say in what happens in his home and vice versa. He claims he wants to "co parent" but the reality I expect is more of a "parallel" parenting scenario (he does his thing, I do mine).

I feel like he is trying to shove his style/preferences/ways onto me. Or maybe he is just trying to incite me or control me. Whatever it is, the reality of the situation is there will be two separate set of rules (for example, I don't care of S leaves certain toys out all over the living room overnight - H feels differently).

I may be speculating, or mind reading, and if I am, please feel free to tell me. I get the feeling he thinks/expects that I will follow his rules in my house. I am not sure he realizes that after the divorce, I no longer feel I have to collaborate with him on these types of issues. How he chooses to run his house is entirely up to him and how I run mine is up to me.

This may be a double edge sword of course because there might be something down the line that I would like him to do in his home. But the way I see it, I can ask him to enforce certain rules, but he doesn't have to. Moreover, the likelihood of him doing so, even if he disagrees, is slim. At least that is my expectation.

So, should I even point this out to him in some way? Is it worth it? Part of me does want to show him the reality of what this will be like, but I just don't know if me saying anything would be worth it or would even matter. I would want to tell him something along the lines you can do what you want in your house, and I will do what I want in mine. Since you fired me, there is no need to collaborate on these types of issues.

Now of course, I wouldn't say it exactly like that. It would be more diplomatic/neutral/matter of fact.

Lol, as I write this, I think, ugh, why bother. He has to learn these things on his own. Me telling him won't change anything.

What do you all think?

FightOn #2739588 04/19/17 12:53 PM
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I agree FightOn, I wouldn't say anything to him just now. Once he is out of the house the reality of him not having any control over you will hit him. Until then just continue to be the nice, cool as a cucumber FightOn!


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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