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WillDo Offline OP
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More investigation...

Ever since she started a permanent job, she dreamed of taking hold of the money she earned. She would always give her aunt as an examle on how she used to manage her own money. Well my mom/da did the same. However, it was my grandmother's main advice to make sure all money is joined. Maybe W felt that I was too controlling. And this is a break and as you say a way to get happy. On the other hand, yes she will hide assets and expenditure.

Thank you!


Me: 43, W: 43
M: 16, T: 18
D - 7, D - 7
ILUB: 26 August 2014
Still living together
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 284
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Journal

Kids and W away for business and term holiday. I have a business trip so had to stay behind. This was arranged before the last argument. I was unhappy about the arrangement and still am. I have mu suspicions but trying really hard to stay on track. To control things under my control.

I have been looking after myself. After some comfort eating, eating things I enjoyed I switched to eating sensibly and walking periodically. And drinking lots of water.

Regularly I check on the girls to see how they are with their granny. W sends me a few photos from where she is. I will fly on Friday.


Me: 43, W: 43
M: 16, T: 18
D - 7, D - 7
ILUB: 26 August 2014
Still living together
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 284
W
WillDo Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 284
This is the only place for me to talk.

Both of us are back from our travels. Coldness there. But she has another business trip. While speaking about how to do it, she says we need to talk. Says she has been to a lawyer at out home country. And had been advised to move out. She said because I am choosing not to end it that it will go bad and to start with proceedings she would accuse me of things. And of course we talked and talked. I tried to be calm and not really argue. As she started bringing things up I. said our method of talking these wrong that we try to think about examples and take things out of proportion. She said I should have moved out. Brought back my depression that she wants not to be a carer that she needs a partner. And that I accused of having an affair so on.

I finally said we meed to learn to be together for the kids.

I had just arrived from a long haul flight. Even if I hadn't, my reactions would be the same. I feel bad. And trying to get it right. I prepared the dinner. We spoke on other things including the new businesd trip. The kids went to sleep. I went to their room. Both of them hugged with me. They had missed me. Were very happy with the presents and I guess they felt something.

I can't control her I know. She is again accusing me. She did admit I had changed but she can't take it anymore. She doesn't want to grow old with me. She said how things were affecting her health. I said you think you are the only one. My health my work all is impacted I told her.

Another extreme down. She expects help for her new trip. I will. I will have to talk with work arrange things but I will. She wants me to read her and do things.


Me: 43, W: 43
M: 16, T: 18
D - 7, D - 7
ILUB: 26 August 2014
Still living together
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 284
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WillDo Offline OP
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I now read the past responses. I don't want to sound like I am in circles. But this time I faced her differently. I tried to watch to the tone of the argument. I didn't beg but still said I don't want D.


Me: 43, W: 43
M: 16, T: 18
D - 7, D - 7
ILUB: 26 August 2014
Still living together
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 284
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WillDo Offline OP
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This morning the tone was different. She actuslly checked on me to see if I was coming to breakfast. And during breakfast spoke more about her business trip and again we talker about the next trip. She was ok for me to drive them to a girls only picnic while I strolled into thr nearest town. Being jetlag the walk helped. So I did do something different didn't follow thr same tunnel. Still will continue to focus on the kids.


Me: 43, W: 43
M: 16, T: 18
D - 7, D - 7
ILUB: 26 August 2014
Still living together
Joined: Mar 2017
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Willdo, I read this earlier and the first thought that I had was that it is wrong to try to make them stay because of the kids. I know because I did it for about 5 years. I was really good at. I'm much better at arguing than he is and much more grounded in reality and connected to the kids. I have a bit of a luxury here that you may not, my kids are older and there was never any question that they would be with me 100% of the time. My panic was that they wouldn't have a dad, and it looks like I may be right about that. WAWs from what I gather are better at staying connected with the kids. I eventually kicked him out because my children asked me to. They said they couldn't deal with him in the home anymore. My son just said the other day how he hated going anywhere in the car with the two of us (in other words he hated being stuck with us where H couldn't wander off as usual). She needs to stay for her relationship with you. If she can't do that, then she needs to be a great co-parent. I think if you keep up for the kids, you will regret it as I do. I wish that he had left all those years ago. My children saw too many years of a dysfunctional relationship.

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I hadn't thought that way. She is a great co-parent. And deep down I believe she wants the relationship. There I see a Midlife Crisis. During our talk 2 days ago, she eventually said to me that she hated being accused of having an affair. She said she had left the previous job and occasionally seeing OM. She denies it is an affair. Again Midlife Crisis.

I have mentioned before. I have a history of depression though not been deep down for 8 years. Better diagnosis and coping techniques. That has for us has been detrimental. And others. My health is impacted in other ways. She kept on saying and observing that it was not under my control. But blames it for the demise of the relationship. I was able to get into my first proper relationship while I was in therapy And saw how therapy helped me in myself esteem. Just can't be with it all the time and it just doesn't stick. Maybe I mamaged to talk how I used to first time 2 days ago.

I don't know. I am having patient.

Thanks for writing!


Me: 43, W: 43
M: 16, T: 18
D - 7, D - 7
ILUB: 26 August 2014
Still living together
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 284
W
WillDo Offline OP
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I only come here when I am down. The idea is to not keep my mind engaged too much. But I had a down today.

So today we were out to get approval to have the Ds with us on an overseas trip where W will be attending a course. Initially she was hoping a friend with her kid will be there but that didn't work. I was happy to come along. I will and Ds will come of course off school.

As we were getting back to the train, I said the school was great to keep us all together. Then she said they want her together with Ds. She suddenly said hey don't do anything for the flat. Don't re-rent it. I want to move in. I said don't be ridiculous. Then she said look I talk to a lawyer at hometown. And that given consent.

So she suddenly put a block. Now I kept my cool. Didn't say more than bye. But I felt crap. I am really stuck I don't know what else to change/do. Getting more and more confusing and scary. I try not to believe 50% of what she says. I remind myself the 180 rules.

I don't know what my next step is other than be in limbo.

Thanks for listening.


Me: 43, W: 43
M: 16, T: 18
D - 7, D - 7
ILUB: 26 August 2014
Still living together
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 284
W
WillDo Offline OP
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OP Offline
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W
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 284
I am discourage at every step of the way. We finalise the tickets for our trip and as I submit the payment, she starts saying how much money should I transfer. Then she says she needs to save money for rent. Then she goes on about us talking about it.

I am keeping my patience and not giving up but I really really feel bad.


Me: 43, W: 43
M: 16, T: 18
D - 7, D - 7
ILUB: 26 August 2014
Still living together
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 284
W
WillDo Offline OP
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OP Offline
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Joined: Oct 2014
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She said to the kids about changing the car that she wouldn't be able to afford that I would be buying the car! I asked her about the repairs of the car. She suggested to sell and the. she is leaving me alone.

The other property needs repairs immediately. She again leaves it to me whene she is saying I move there or she will when the tentant leave in June. We willl lose money. I am having a tough time keeping up the expenses. I thooght dhe was spending from her card but she continues to use the credit card.

I am scared to say anything and continue to follow the last resort.

On the positove side, she initiates more conversation. Invites me to watch TV together. And continue to plan for the trip. It is so hard to keep a grin. When that happens I focus more on my kids.

I sometimes think I was too controlling on the money. It was one pot. Now even same bank she has it seperate and little contribution.

I really don't know still what to change. Can't get the old me I suppose.


Me: 43, W: 43
M: 16, T: 18
D - 7, D - 7
ILUB: 26 August 2014
Still living together
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