PEW, I don't think you're off base when you say you're not thinking of her- I mean my Lord she's having an affair! I think simple like the others said. Here's the key though~~~ HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS ABOUT HER REACTION. Then you won't be disappointed. You do the thing that feels right to you, for YOU. Just my 2 cents.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
So I was rereading all of Sandi's threads and I realize the good that I was doing and the bad too. I do not think I am going to address our anniversary coming up. There is nothing to celebrate because of where we are at this point. I also think I need to pull back a little more. I have not been initiating contact but maybe I have been a little to receptive to when she finally does contact me. All I know is I need to somehow do what I can to put an end to this A.
I guess I am looking for answers/ideas on what I can do short of leaving the house. I still believe my best chances at changes are if I still have a presence in the house. Does anyone have any suggestions? I am looking to further change the dynamics at play.
My 16th anniversary was last August and I didn't say anything to my wife. And my wife (now XW) didn't mention it either. I'm glad I didn't say anything. But, if I had to do it over, I might cook a homemade tart and tell her that I was thinking of her. It may not be DB, but you know...
You do NOT leave the house under any circumstance. Do not leave the MBR either. Focus on detaching, GAL and 180's. That is what you need to be doing. I know it feels like there should be something more tangible that you should do but this is what you need to be focusing on right now.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
I am still doing my 180's and I am still GALing. I am trying to continue to detach but I might have to kick it up a notch. I agree with staying in the house. She has been noticing my changes and has made comments about my new focus on my appearance and well being and like I stated in an earlier post she has noticed this odd happiness about me. I guess some days you just question yourself when you see the current situation progressing in the same direction.
As far as the MBR I have a different take on it albeit right or wrong. You see for the last 6 months I have slept on the couch. The MBR became her room and I do not feel I have the right regardless of what is going on to just take it from her because I feel I am entitled to it now. So this is a sticky subject for me. Not sure what is the right way to handle it.
I guess the last topic that I am going back and forth on is the affair. Not sure If I should address it or leave it as unknown for now. I was waiting on this cause I wanted to really work on my 180's and GAL first. Then when I was in a more confident and stable mindset confront her about it. Like I said I am doing so much better but I still have my moments of confusion.
I guess the last topic that I am going back and forth on is the affair. Not sure If I should address it or leave it as unknown for now. I was waiting on this cause I wanted to really work on my 180's and GAL first. Then when I was in a more confident and stable mindset confront her about it. Like I said I am doing so much better but I still have my moments of confusion.
PEW1974,
I don't know how you can just sit on that (knowing your wife is having an affair) without saying anything. If I knew what you know, I'd have her sh*t out of the MBR, and probably out of the house, and she'd d@mn sure know that I know about the affair. I don't know what the issue is with that, but I know if it were happening to me, the gates of hell would open up and my wife would know it. I mean, golly-gee, be a husband already.
Deep down I know your right. I know I have to confront her about it. I have been trying to figure out what exactly I want to get out of that confrontation and how I want to handle it. I don't want to just fly off the hip. I want to be as prepared as I can be.
When I confronted my W, I simply told her "I know you are having an A with OM. I dont really want to talk about it today, we can discuss it in the coming days. When we are done here, you are going to gather your things and you are going to leave." The actual conversation was only about 5 minutes. First she tried to deny it. Then she accused me of having an A. It took her 45 minutes to actually leave the house because she went into her closet and tried to pack but ended up crying on the floor. She called OM and a friend. I ended up sitting there with her after letting her have her phone conversations and talked quietly with her. She went to a hotel for 2 nights and then moved into the rent house she was planning on moving to anyways.
The confrontation doesnt have to be ugly or actually confrontational. But its imperative that she knows that you know and that you will not accept that kind of behavior from your W. Her options are to leave or to stay and work on the M. The choice is hers. She does not respect you but you need to show her that you have enough respect for yourself that you will not be treated that way.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
