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Sandi,

Dann that is hard pill to swallow. Could you read up on my situation and let me know what you would advise?


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PEW1974 Offline OP
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Sandi2,

I respect your thoughts and opinions highly. You have brought a lot to this forum and I appreciate all you invest in it. I do agree with you in all you say. My issue
Is that I really am trying to change myself regardless of what my wife thinks. I am trying to be less selfish and more caring towards my family and yes my wife. Doing what I have been doing is actually making me feel more confident and positive about who I am becoming. Don't get me wrong in that I would like for her to see the changes but she has actually stepped up her responsibilty around the house too. She has become more involved in the day to day activities of my kids and the needs of the house. It really hasn't been one sided.

I could be off base here but I see my wife's affair as an exit to a failed marriage. Make
no mistakes but things were not good between us. Neither of us changed and our arguements went through the same routine every time. I don't know if I see her as a typical WW just a selfish woman who is ready to move on and focus only on what she wants.

I am not disagreeing with you in any way. I look toward to your thoughts. Hopefully you can shed more light for me.

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Actually you are right about her being a WW. I reread a few of your threads and see where I was wrong. Could you tell me how to proceed since financially it will be hard to move out if I have to. I do not want to clkick her out as she does take care of our kids and I am in no position to be able to care for them and work.

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Sandi2,

One more thing about setting boundaries. What type of boundaries need to be set if we must live under the same roof or is it imperative for one of us to leave. I want to have the talk with my W but I need to have my plan together like you said. Just so it's clear I haven't been whining or even brining up the affai with her. I have Ben GALing and have been really enjoying it. Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated from your perspective.

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So sandi2 has really made me think about my life and where I am In it. To all new posters or people who are reading and have not participated yet, she is the voice of you conscience. If you read any of her posts then you will know she knows what she is talking about because she was that woman.

I have made a decision to confront my wife after my daughter graduates high school this June. I do not want to ruin this experience for her. After her graduation party I am going to have the big talk with my W. I am going to calmly tell her that I am not going to live in this type of open M and constantly be disrespected. While I value that she is free to make her own choices I am too free to make mine. I will no longer be a part of this situation and that I wish her the best in life but the time has come to move on for me and to focus on me and what I need to do to become whole again.

I have to start figuring out where I am going to live because right now my son needs to stay in his house and live near all his friends and keep playing his sports. Question to anyone out there, can I lay down this boundary and stil stay in the house as my finances couldn't really support an apartment. I am looking into friends that I can stay at their house and control bite financially for an extended time. Just trying to figure out how to follow through after the talk. Also, how long should I wait for her to process it or is that not something I should consider. This is a whole new approach for me so any comments are welcome.

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Whatever you do never be the one to leave the home. She is having the A, she should leave. At a bare minimum W should move out of the marriage bedroom. It isn't a punishment for her if she is still living in the home that you still have to pay for. Don't know anything about the OM your W is seeing. But when does nothing to help her out, then that will be the first sign if reality kicking in for her.


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My immediate advice is get through the next week without making any big moves. You are still learning and trying to make decisions about what to do.

Before you do anything else, you need to see your situation with a different view point. You talk as though you would be the one leaving. But you are the faithful spouse, so why would you leave the marital home? She has no job, and maybe no source of income other than what you provide.........yet thought nothing of cheating on you. Isn't that kind of like biting the hand that feeds? She removes herself from the umbrella of your provision and protection when she chooses another man over her H. Maybe she thought she would be set up in her nice home, while her LBH worked to continue providing her with the nicer things in life.......especially if she has a sense of entitlement. I doubt she was thinking about how she'd support herself when she began an A. What I am saying here is that she should be the spouse that physically moves out of the marital home........and should not expect any spousal support (unless the law deems otherwise).

Where she lives and how she gets by, should not be your problem. Yes, you still love her. Tough love is not when you stop loving that person. It's doing something that is tough for you, but with the intent of letting go of the emotional rope around your loved one and allow them to deal with their issues without you helping/rescuing them. I understand that that may be the furtherest direction from who you have always been as a person. If you decide to go the tougher love route, you may need to learn to see some things outside the box you've been in for a long time.

Actually, I do not recommend in-house separation. If you have to live under the same roof, then do not refer to it as separation.......b/c you aren't separated from anything but the beds. Being under the same roof and your W calling herself separated from you, doesn't work, either. Cake eating could not come in any bigger slices than a WW in an A living at home at her H's expense. One thing we learn in life is that we don't get everything both ways.

Quote:
Doing what I have been doing is actually making me feel more confident and positive about who I am becoming


Who/what are you becoming? Who/what were you when she fell in love with you? Would you have done the same actions if a girlfriend had treated you this way?

Acting like her unpaid employee is not good for her! From what I read, you went way overboard. No husband should do everything around the house, if his W is physically capable. Her respect will shed worse than dog hair. With that said, she may be the type of woman who enjoys teamwork. And if that's the case and it helps her step up more.......then pitching in to do your share is fine. It is okay to work "with" her doing chores. It's just not okay for you to do her work for her. It makes for a lousy wife, and she's already batting low. You guys need to realize a "normal" W would appreciate extra help around the house..........but if you are M to a spoiled, self entitled princess........this will just add more to her sense of entitlement. You were working 70 hrs a week, while she had no little kids during the day and yet had time for an affair. Just saying.........Something's not right with that picture!

I want to add another verse to that line of thinking. Men show their love for their family by providing as good of a life as financially possible. However, women often forget that tidbit when they are lonely and feel they never have one on one time with their H. Everything is not about a job or working around the house (although important). It is about what two people put into the relationship.

If your W respected you once, she can respect you again. She has to see that she can't manipulate you or treat you badly. Guess who is responsible there? Whenever she does something that is disrespectful or clearly showing her selfishness.........that is when you need to call her hand on it. Not getting into an argument or whatever, but let her know you won't tolerate disrespect.

There is a link about boundaries on Cadet's post.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thank you sandi2. You are opening my eyes to a very different perspective. I wasn't doing all the chores in the house. I was only doing the amount of things that any normal spouse would do. For me the last few years working these hours I had become numb to trying to help around the house with chores. So in reality, I am doing a personal 180 where instead of focusing on me and how tired or stressed I may be, I chip in and help. I was never doing her share. Yes, I probably did a little extra but I felt better for it. I was actually taking pride in the fact that I was not as self centered as I was in the past.

How do I take care of my S7 if I kick her out of the house. It is impossible for me to work so many hours and be there for him. There really is no one around me that can help with that. That is why I was saying I would leave or separate but stay in the same house. If you wouldn't call it separation what would you call it? What would I need to do in this case to prevent any cake eating?

In looking at what you said about letting her know when she has disrespected me and not tolerating it, my question is without going the route of one of us moving out, is there an approach of me being firm with both of us living together and yet still getting the same results. I will take time to read Cadets links but I am really trying to figure out my best course of action.

Th

One more stupid question if you don't mind. After really working on myself and doing 180s and GAL, why would she go from being ok with not talking and being next to me to texting and calling me at work and wanting to start to do activities with me. She was perfectly content without doing this and I was still here paying for the bills and everything. Why start to open herself back up to me when it didn't matter before. Can you shed some light as to why she has gradually eased herself into this new mentality. This is probably what is most confusing.

Thank you very much for taking time out of your life to try and help me. I deeply appreciate it.

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Just because you kick the W out of the home doesn't suddenly make you the only parent. You two will have to come up with some kind of arrangement in regards to the kid. He can be with his mother when your working, then you can have him afterwards or what other deal you two come up with.


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I get that but me trying to prove a point and get respect while turning my son's life upside down is not a trade off I am willing to make. I love my W with all my heart but I will not have my children get caught up in this drama. I know they will be affected one way or another but I would like to minimize it as much as possible.

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