I need as much help as I can get. This May will be 17 years married. We have had a rocky marriage with good times and bad ones. The last 2-3 years have been really rough. Me and my W were stuck in this vicious cycle of arguing then finally making up and then repeating it almost every other month. The last 7-8 months we just completely disconnected from each other. It got to the point 6 weeks ago we were ready to divorce and I was going to move out. I slept in my car for 2 days at work with no distractions. Just me and my thoughts and as if a giant light bulb went on, I realized where I have failed in our relationship. I was able to get see through my frustration and hurt feelings and saw what I needed to do to try and make things right instead of blaming her.
I went home to talk to her after this and we had a conversation. She said "I am not in love with you anymore" and it broke my heart. I remained calm and strong and we decided that it was probably best for me to stay in the house financially. I have come to realize through these last few weeks that my wife is having an affair and it seems she is in love with the OM. I have thought about this long and hard and know that I can and will forgive her if given the chance. I lover her so much and just want her back but don't know what to do. I have read a lot on the internet and have not begged and pleaded for her to come back. I have gone through many changes internally and physically. I have lost 22 lbs and been taking care of myself. I have been respectful to my W and have showed her nothing but sincere love without saying love her. We are actually at a point where we are talking nicely to each other and she actually let me come sleep in the bedroom again as long as I stay on my side. I know she goes out once a week and sees him and I have been trying to go out once a week to reconnect with old friends. Trying to get a life again but the OM constantly texts her he misses her and loves her. I haven't told her that I know. Stupid me was going to try and wait it out and just be there for her when she needed me. I am slowly dying inside. I have my good days and my bad days but I am making it through. I am wondering where do I begin. Please help.
Last edited by Cadet; 04/20/1709:53 AM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
My mind is all scattered right now. I forgot to mention that we have to children. A daughter who will be 18 and going to college this year and a son who is 7 years old. Just trying to add more details about our Marriage.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Sorry you're here, but your in good company. On Cadet's post with the links above, you should probably start with the link under "For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2". If you know there's OM involved, this is where to start.
Keep up the good work on yourself and do focus on your relationship with your kids. It's a great outlet to improve one's self.
All the best.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
I will read up on that now. Thank you everyone for your responses. From what I have seen over the past few weeks this is truly a compassionate and caring community.
There is no where to begin. This isn't about the marriage anymore. This is all about you and your kids, nothing else. Honestly, given the fact that your "wife" is in love with the OM should be fuel enough for you to realize that she is on her own road and that road does not have room for you, nor does she want it to. So, where does that leave you? Work on yourself and yourself only.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Healing from infidelity is achievable with the right support and tools.
What were you like when the two of you met? Focus all of your time, effort and energy on yourself and your children.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
