Here again part 5

[Ginger1]

Can you go back to remember simply being a warm and loving wife when things were good between the two of you? be like that. Block out all the crap going on and bring yourself to a time when you guys were a married couple not on the brink of divorce and be that warm and loving wife you were.

[leahsue]

What Ginger said. But also, can you try to not see every single thing he does or doesn't do as code for "he's done" or "he's not done"? HE has said to you over and over, that he doesn't KNOW if he's done or not done. I know you think, well for crying out loud, either someone's in or they're out.... and I thought that too about my own sitch, when I kept saying, but either you want this marriage or you don't, and he kept mumbling, I don't know what I want. That just didn't make sense to me. And I sense that is how you are feeling too. But the further I get away from those conversations, the more I truly think he was being honest. I don't think he DID know. And my trying to decide for him, or pushing, pushing pushing him to declare one way or the other, pushed him further down the road in the OPPOSITE WAY.
I see in you that Type A, who wants their food brought to the table in a timely manner, their photos developed and delivered within an hour, the dry cleaning dropped off and ready for pick up the same day, etc. And there's nothing wrong with that. I think we all do, to a certain degree. But relationships are not like that. As much as we want answers NOW, sometimes we just have to sit with it, be still, and give them time.
When you feel like you are going to scream, "JUST CALL IT ONE WAY OR OTHER"- have a back up plan, whatever works for you. Walk away, get in a closet and take 10 deep breaths, get on here, call a friend, take a shower and scream it there. Then collect yourself, and move on.
Just my thoughts. I want you to be at peace with yourself, no matter what happens to the marriage. (((( )))))

[T384]

Thanks ladies ,

He did say he was done at C ... so that's why I'm feeling this way now. Before at C he told the counselor he only said he was done when he was angry but didn't mean it. But this last appointment he said he's finally feeling his decision is that he's done.

Yesterday I just acted as if everything was fine. I didn't hear from him like the C asked but he did text me about something related to the kids. So after I answered that I asked about his day. I didn't call to see when he was coming home or say anything when he came home later than usual. I had dinner ready and the kids taken care of. I went to cuddle with him in bed because that's something I would normally do. I kissed him and we talked for a little bit just about nothing important and went to bed. He kissed me again this morning before he left for work and said ILY and that was it.

I don't think I'll text him today. We are supposed to be going to a graduation party this evening. I'll just be my normal self ... with possible a drink to take off the edge haha.

I'm trying to eliminate my negative thinking and I probably do it because I'm trying to protect myself from getting my hopes up. I'm feeling super discouraged because of his words in counseling. That he's done. It really discourages me and I feel like it means a lot that he said it out loud to the counselor instead of saying he didn't mean it like he had I previous sessions. Combining that with him not doing any of the things the C asked really has my head spinning. What ocelot and I'm trying not to let it consume my thoughts or drive my actions. Typing it here helps

[25yearsmlc]

I need advice as this next 2 weeks continues

Who am I supposed to be and what am I supposed to do?

I don't know how to be warm and loving without coming off as pursuing.

Also, he hasn't done anything the C asked. No two texts a day. Yesterday was the first day but if he doesn't today I feel that's my answer that he's done

Stop this^^^ thinking. It's 2 weeks. Please drop the scorecard. Just get through the next 13 days and Not do any r talk till you see your C again.

It's not easy but it's not complicated...

more later

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks ladies ,

He did say he was done at C ...

Omg he said to YOU when you asked, "to be honest, I"m done" and yet 2 minutes earlier in front of you and the C, he said he was 50/50." The C saw him give 2 semi different answers, as did you. But here you only mention the negative. This is a huge pattern.


so that's why I'm feeling this way now. Before at C he told the counselor he only said he was done when he was angry but didn't mean it. But this last appointment he said he's finally feeling his decision is that he's done.

The revision continues and you are ignoring the red flag piece that he says he's "done" when he's angry...

How do you ask the question when you ask him, b/c I don't think you ask, rarely.

If my h were upset with me and THEN asked me if I felt committed, I can see saying "I don't know"...or worse.

CONTEXT matters and here^^ you have your h admitting he says it when he's angry, AND it's not what he said to the C in front of you.

I would just stop honing in on that, b/c it's not nearly as significant as you are making it, imo.

Yesterday I just acted as if everything was fine. I didn't hear from him like the C asked but he did text me about something related to the kids. So after I answered that I asked about his day. I didn't call to see when he was coming home or say anything when he came home later than usual. I had dinner ready and the kids taken care of. I went to cuddle with him in bed because that's something I would normally do. I kissed him and we talked for a little bit just about nothing important and went to bed. He kissed me again this morning before he left for work and said ILY and that was it.

this^^^ all seems good and positive to me.


I don't think I'll text him today. We are supposed to be going to a graduation party this evening. I'll just be my normal self ... with possible a drink to take off the edge haha.

I'm trying to eliminate my negative thinking and I probably do it because I'm trying to protect myself from getting my hopes up. I'm feeling super discouraged because of his words in counseling. That he's done.

Forget the words in counseling and focus on the 2 weeks. Otherwise you could use those comments for the rest of your life.


It really discourages me and I feel like it means a lot that he said it out loud to the counselor instead of saying he didn't mean it like he had I previous sessions.



Pffft!
I'm a wordsmith, yet I am just lost about when he said what, and when he meant it and what he said in front of the C, then to you, etc. Can you just Stop asking or pondering the past questions/answers, since they are confusing/confused

and now, in the past?


Combining that with him not doing any of the things the C asked really has my head spinning. What ocelot and I'm trying not to let it consume my thoughts or drive my actions. Typing it here helps

There was affection and peace. You didn't ask him about his expected arrival time and then you didn't say anything about him being later than usual...um, okay well, no offense, but is that something you are upset about or feeling disrespected by?

Because I don't get that. I'd see the evening as a win.

[T384]

I wouldn't say disrespected... but our son had a project H was supposed to help him with. He said he would be home by 7. He walked in around 830. Normally I would call and see where he was or when he was coming home. It's definitely a lot to juggle making all the teachers gifts, cupcakes for end of the year parties, a newborn eating every 2 hours (in a pro at breastfeeding in any parking lot in the car lol) and running the boys to soccer practice, making dinner feeding the dogs etc etc. The last time H left me with a list like that and didn't come home til late with no heads up I called him and we got in an argument because I said I felt very alone and needed help. BUT today is the last day of school and the boys are so excited!!

Normally he would text and say he's running late or text on his way home. He doesn't do that anymore. So I guess just a little frustrating about the project. Normally I would step in and do it and be angry inside about it but instead I left it be and H did it with him when he got home. I thanked him when we were laying in bed for doing the project (making a rocket) with our oldest. I said I know it meant a lot to S and you guys did a really good job. Joking about how it might have looked if I did it.

I'm trying not to focus on him saying he's done. I promise I asked it the same way the C asked him. That's when the. C said for someone to be able to answer that question like that it means a lot. He told us we're going to end up getting a divorce. But he also said he's a marriage counselor and doesn't want to give up just yet.

[OwnIt]

TO,

I think if you don't stop these negative behaviors of yours you will have major regrets some day. Why not do as others have said and just take a break from all this stuff and try to remember the man you fell in love with and pretend that he is standing there (he is, he just has a lot of crap covering him up right now).

The fundamental rule we are told is to believe nothing they say and half of what you do. Yet, this is now your mantra. He said he was done. He said he was done. Guess what, he also said he would give it another two weeks.

You sit there criticizing him for every mistake he makes and for not following the counselor's instructions. Yet, you are the one who first violated that by refusing his kiss and being snotty to him. You seem to be very good at holding him accountable and letting yourself off the hook.

I'm not trying to be harsh here. I know you've been through a lot and you have postpartem hormones coursing through you. But, your marriage seems to be at a critical juncture. You are not behaving as someone who wants it to continue. Where is everything you have learned here? I see no DBing go on whatsoever. Just bratty, negative talk and actions from you.

Spend the rest of the time you have with him being the girl he would be an idiot to leave. You know that. Now do it and stop whining.

[sandi2]

Also, he hasn't done anything the C asked. No two texts a day. Yesterday was the first day but if he doesn't today I feel that's my answer that he's done

Just a guess that he saw your rejection of the kiss as you rejecting "him". You weren't really rejecting the man, you were just punishing him for telling you he was done.

I see you both punishing each other. He doesn't do what you think he should.....so you react in some way that punishes him. He sees it and thinks there is no pleasing you. So, both of you are in this vicious cycle. You love each other, but both of you are stubborn, and waits on the other one.

You are angry at him b/c he has not done what the C said to do. You are standing with your hands on hip and tapping your toe. And he is doing what he does when he is frustrated.

Do you want the man, or not? No "if, and, or but" attached. Don't say you want him under certain terms, b/c we get it. Truth is.........it isn't working. If you don't want him, then tell him to go. If you do want him............then you've got to behave like a woman who accepts him just as he is right now. You have got to stop the attitude of being "done"...... if you want him. Why? B/c he is not going to try and live by some standard you lay out for him to fill. IMHO, that is what he's fighting against. He believes he has given his all for you since his affair (whether you agree or not), but somehow he senses you standing over him with a ruler in your hand. I don't claim to know a lot about men, but I know enough to tell you he is through living with a W who he feels has a criticizing/negative attitude toward him. He will find someone who makes him feel good about himself!

Who are you suppose be and how do you act positive for two weeks? Stop measuring everything he does. Stop closing your heart to him and showing him cold hardness. Start thinking about the time you fell in love with him. Who were you then? Who did he see coming down the aisle on his wedding day? Who was that woman? I can almost hear your answers before I send this post. I do not disagree with your arguments, b/c I am like you in some ways. Of course, I can see your stitch more objectively than I could see my own.

I am not telling you the decision you should make. I am only saying what I think it would take to show him a positive W for the next two weeks.....or longer. Someone will have to bend..........or there will be no M. I don't think it will be him. I'm not suggesting you turn your head if he is being unfaithful or anything else you are not willing to tolerate.

[T384]

Hi ownit - I had a long response typed while the baby was sleeping but he woke and I forgot to hit submit !

I'm not being negative or anything to him anymore. I'm going to RBI I like you all and the C said. There's no point in mulling over the past it happened here we are let's move forward. So I'm starting as if yesterday fresh. I'm
Not going to say I'll be perfect but I'm going to do my best. I will come here to jot down my feelings instead of saying it to him. Thank you for your words. I really appreciate them. I know the man I fell in love with is there somewhere. We are both ugly people right now. The C said we are both hurt and both waiting on the other person. He emphasizes that H needs to be that person to jump in but he hasn't so I'm taking it upon myself. The C said it's hard for. S to be warm and loving because I'm anxious and H refuses to give me any reassurance. So I thought H would come around and be that person but he hasn't. So I'm going to take the leap of faith and open my heart to be warm and loving I feel it's my only chance.

Hi Sandi thanks for coming by I always appreciate your wisdom and words.

I am angry at him for everything in the last 3 months and I know it has radiated from me. I sat back the last 2 days since C and thought about everything that has happened as objectively as I was able. I thought back about the things to me that aren't a big deal but it was his olive branch. He drove over to the condo in the middle of the night to bring me my special breastfeeding pillow. When we got in an argument and I left and refused his help he called my family to make sure someone came down to help me bring all my stuff up. He was texting daily to see if I needed things on his way home. This was all just 2 weeks ago. Then we had a big blow out about me catching him in a lie and him refusing it. That's when everything changed for him. He realized no matter what he did it wasn't good enough. I stopped asking questions in those last 2 weeks but wasn't necessarily loving. I was kind but didn't go out of my way to be affectionate

I said it counseling it hurt me to continue to reach out and he didn't reciprocate. He said 'now you know how I've felt'.

I'm going to be that girl. I think it will help school is out for the boys. Less stress for me and soccer is on break so really all I have to worry about is school and the rest is just fun for the boys and I.

I was thinking of suggesting a date night if he doesn't in the next few days depending on how things are going... I know the C said he wanted him to do it. But if he doesn't I don't mind asking if you guys think that's not out of the question.

So my answer is yes I want this man. I don't want the M the way it is but that can be worked on at a later time.

I just am afraid/scared me doing all of this won't matter to him.

[OwnIt]

There you go TO. The date night sounds like a good idea if he doesn't bring it up, but don't wait too long. You may have to do a little damage control for a bit and put yourself out there more than you have. You wouldn't have so much emotion about this if you didn't care, so yes, vent to us and be loving and kind to him no matter what he does now. If you can begin to turn the ship here you will have lots of time in the future to deal with the anger and the rest. For now, just be kind, loving, affectionate, thoughtful . . .