Figured I was getting close enough to needing a new thread.
I ended up going to counseling last night with H. I kept pretty quiet and didn't bring up much except for what I was asked by the C.
I left not feeling any different then when I went in. The C said he just wanted to meet with us to touch base before the baby was born but that he didn't intend to listen to people fight or hash things out. He said that H and I have had enough of that the last 6 weeks and that we need some positive in our relationship. He basically wants us to focus on being parents and come back for marriage counseling in a couple weeks once we get settled at home with the baby. He said we can decide to split up or work things out at that point.
He did ask H directly if there was someone else (not that he would admit it anyway) but he asked if there was someone he was talking to, texting, calling, having an emotional relationship, or any female that he was spending time talking to.
He spoke a lot with H about trauma and how I cannot unsee or forget things that have happened in the past. And that while yes we are moving forward, if H gives me reasons to go back to the past then thats where my brain is going to go. He told H he is absolutely giving me a lot of reasons to be concerned. He said he understood. He said that he feels as though I feel like he is my third child and that it is hard to go to work and work hard every day and come home and be accused of things you aren't doing.
C asked H about changing the password on his phone. He said that he had been talking to a friend about things and didn't want me looking and getting upset about them talking about us. I called BS because H told me he wasn't talking to anyone. But we didn't dive into it any further.
The C asked me to tell H what I need from him to trust him again. He said that I am very anxious and wanting to talk because I am in fight or flight mode and that H is the opposite and shuts down. And we are both pushing each others buttons and pushing each other further away. He said we both need to meet each other's needs to not continue pushing one another away. So i said that I needed him to change his passwords to the passwords they've always been. Not because I want to look through his stuff but because then I can feel that he has nothing to hide. I said I didn't want to be in a relationship where I had to snoop and that isn't why I care about the passwords that I just care that he felt he has a need to change them secretly. I said what was more important than that was the way H treats me. I said I have never cared about the passwords or looking at the phone because H always made me feel number 1 and like a priority. I said I don't feel that way and that's what makes me the most uncomfortable because he used to always make me feel that way. I also said that I didn't feel safe in this relationship because this is our first issue we have had since reconciliation and he jumps to I'm done, I'm moving out after the baby. The C told H he cannot use words like that. H said that he said it in a moment of anger because we were fighting every day and it felt like the only answer. I reiterated that H has said it multiple times. The C said H is done with feeling unhappy and not trusted but if he was done with the M he wouldn't be sitting next to me in the office. Neither of us said anything.
He asked me to not bring anything up to H about our M. In turn he told H that he needed to treat me as his wife and be affectionate toward me (not kissing my ass) but just to let me know he's still here in this marriage. So we both agreed to that. H told me last night he understood some things better but still isn't sure how he feels and that he is just going to do as the C said and we can go back in a few weeks and 'see what happens' He kissed me goodbye when we left C. Came in the room at an earlier time last night to watch TV with me and kissed me and told me he loved me.
The counselor wants me to be loving in return. H brought up that I push him and say he's not trying but that he has done things for me (the mulch and the pool stuff he specifically brought up - the damn mulch will be the death of me lol) and said that he did that to show me he's trying and instead I focused on what he wasn't doing.
The C said we are both playing the game of chicken, like who is going to do what first. I said that H used to always text/call me ask me how my day was etc but he doesn't do that anymore. H told me now I know how it feels to do something and it not be reciprocated. So the C said we both need to be doing these things to bring us back closer together.
So here I am, no further away or closer to my goal. Like I said before, I know that I need to see a change in H's behavior to trust him again. So I'm going to continue to not engage in R talks and be polite and see what happens.
I'm not entirely sure what I am supposed to be doing. The C wants me to be 'loving.' I don't know if I'm in a place where I reach out to H and ask how his day is occasionally or if I leave him be. I guess I am still left feeling super uncertain.
Call me crazy, but that sounds like a pretty good session and as productive as things can be right now.
You seem to think you are no closer to your goal because things didn't go from one extreme or another. You wanted a "yes I'm having an A and I'm done" or "I want to work on this marriage and recommit fully right now"
You know realistically that it doesn't work like that.
Real changes are slow and gradual. A change overnight I believe cannot be trusted.
The C said what we have been saying. Table big decisions and big actions until after the baby is born. This is a totally sensitive time and that's where the focus needs to be.
Maybe he will change his secretive behavior. You say you don't know if you can ask him how is day is in a loving way right now. Well, lets be honest, why would he act that way with you if you cant act that way with him? I mean, I get what the C is saying. You want him to treat you like a priority. But you aren't willing to even ask him about his day?
He's hurt you very badly and lets be real, I'd want to smack him if I were in your position right now. But you also want change and you want your M to work. For that to happen, you both gotta work.
You have your shower this weekend right? Have fun! It will be wonderful being surrounded by your friends and family all who are excited for the baby's arrival.
The C said we are both playing the game of chicken, like who is going to do what first. I said that H used to always text/call me ask me how my day was etc but he doesn't do that anymore. H told me now I know how it feels to do something and it not be reciprocated. So the C said we both need to be doing these things to bring us back closer together.
So here I am, no further away or closer to my goal. Like I said before, I know that I need to see a change in H's behavior to trust him again. So I'm going to continue to not engage in R talks and be polite and see what happens.
I'm not entirely sure what I am supposed to be doing. The C wants me to be 'loving.' I don't know if I'm in a place where I reach out to H and ask how his day is occasionally or if I leave him be. I guess I am still left feeling super uncertain.
TO - This all sounds great to have it out there. This cr@p is so slow and painful and I'm not pregnant about to give birth to a beautiful baby!!!
The balance of reaching out on your H day while going dark. Being loving while withdrawing. It's all difficult to manage and monitor and we all know the struggle is real.
You've got to do what's comfortable for you so only extend as far as you feel like you can and maintain control of your emotions. I have no idea how you do that at 9-months pregnant. My youngest is 10, I'm a dude and I'm feeling emotions as a pregnant woman in reading your story, so I have no idea how you're handling this. As echoed by many, we're all with you. :-)
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
The counselor wants me to be loving in return. H brought up that I push him and say he's not trying but that he has done things for me (the mulch and the pool stuff he specifically brought up - the damn mulch will be the death of me lol) and said that he did that to show me he's trying and instead I focused on what he wasn't doing.
I think a lot of men are like your H. They see going to work every day, mowing the yard, washing the car, etc........as signs they love us. And if we say anything about the pool or mulch, and they take care of it.......OMG! They think they've hung the moon for us! We look at it as just work around the house that has to be done.....just as we have work that has to be done. Difference is, they usually have to be told what needs to be done.
I think men need stars on their helmets, medals around their neck, stripes on their arms, and a variety of things on their chest........for their accomplishments and/or services. Even if it is cleaning the pool.
In my M, my H's love language = acts of service.......and I appreciate what he does, however, acts of service is not my love language.
I'm wondering when you tell your H you need to see him trying to work on the MR, or doing more/better to assure you he loves you.....if he is processing the correct image in his head. You know how the LBH's on the board are always saying their W did not speak plainly enough and in a way the could understand she was unhappy and what she needed from him? And we women are saying to ourselves..."un-huh". As one man said, "Men are very simple minded. We need you women to draw us a picture of what you want, b/c we can't understand what you are saying". From the look on my H's face when I am talking......I agree with that person's statement! They don't get it. We might as well be speaking a foreign language.
The two of you seem very compatible when it comes to the physical affection, which I think is fantastic. So many MR break down in the bedroom. There is something else you need from him to assure you that no other person takes priority over you. Does he need to verbally tell you more than just ILY? Does he need to be more romantic? Does he need to send you flowers or buy something specific? Does he need to spend more time with just the two of you? These are all love languages.
Draw him a picture, honey. Color it and put arrows on it, if necessary. Cause he just doesn't get it. I know, I know......how could he be that dumb, right? What can I say?
(I hope the guys on the board will take my poking at men with good humor).
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I told him what I needed and I have been telling him that and he hasn't done it.
I read these posts and still feel like there's such a generic nature to what you say in terms of what you need/want from your h. "H has to Make me feel like a priority" and "make me feel safe", means, What, specifically?
If your h were here, how would he describe how you are "working on the m" & how it's going?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I hope the guys on the board will take my poking at men with good humor.
I don't understand.
good one
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
