what do you mean contradict the rules? the 180 is a complete mindset, stop chasing, begging, pleading, bargaining...
The 180
1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.
4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.
5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.
7. Don’t ask for reassurances.
8. Don’t buy or give gifts.
9. Don’t schedule dates together.
10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.
11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!
15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!
17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!
21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”
32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.
BD Oct 2016 Me 47, W 43 together 25 years S 25, D 22
What 180's do you feel would contradict the rules?
Don't buy gifts or schedule dates.
These are the things my W actually wanted to see more during the marriage. So shouldn't I make it a point to do these type of things? My W likes things like me texting "I love you" messages every now and then. So shouldn't I be doing more of this, since neglect was our marriage issues?
I believe I may have messed up this morning. Woke up this morning to W questioning me about contact the AP W last week, which is why he stopped communicating with my W once more. I admitted it. And them W proceeded to play stupid by saying she doesn't understand why I would be bothered by them trying to be friends. I explained once more that nothing good could come from having a friendship with someone she was having an affair with. W stated that I don't trust her. And I stated that I trusted her with everything, except for all things related to him. W started to yell and I simply just laid in bed looking at her. She then once again mentioned that she still had plans on BD me. I simply responded okay. W tried to explain that her reasons for wanting D had nothing to do with OM. Believe she caught me rolling my eyes, because she got upset stating what she was saying was the truth. I told her the messages I found from months ago said something different. W got mad and stated that I'm living in the past. And unable to let things go.
Also she complained about my change in attitude over the last few months. Claimed that I was only being nice was only conditional. Honestly I had no idea what she really meant by that. But it seemed like an excuse to start an argument. Whenever things start to get good, she always finds a way to sabotage the relationship. And it always involved the OM in some way. The only arguments we have had during the last couple of months involve her interaction with the OM. Needless to say W went to work upset. But around lunch called me asking if I wanted to come by her job for lunch. They were having an event. So I came by we talked, ate and even took photos together. Its been a weird day so far.
Thank you. I might just take you call soon. The difficult part in my case is doing a 180 when that will clearly contradict a few of the 37 rules.
Hello Tread,
It is common to think that many of the strategies are counter intuitive or contradictory. As you know, one size does not fit all.
It sounds like your changes have been noticed, just difficult to believe at this point. These changes need to be made for you. They need to be long lasting and sincere. Prove that to yourself and anyone else through your actions, not your words.
The best advice I can give you is to call a Divorce Busting Coach today. Many of your online friends will agree that Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best advice on how to save your marriage. Your DB Coach will be able to customize the strategies for your specific situation. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
My next question would be on how to get intimacy outside of the bedroom? We're having plenty of sex and the W has noticed and is clearly pleased with the changes I have made(which I made for myself). But still wants a BD, which I believe could be solved with other forms of intimacy on the regular (example: hand holding, hugging, kissing, touching flirtatiously, etc.). So how do I go about making these things happen? Because right now it feels like we're great friends with benefits.
Just noticed that my W was looking at some of the poetry she wrote over her sexual experience with the OM. This guy is in another state and ended contact. But yet she is still thinking about this guy. Had sex with me this morning and then invited me to church with her. Today was actually going good, then I find this. If I confront W, then its another argument with nothing but lies on her part. So I have to sit here and let it go, while venting on here. Hoping the W isn't thinking about him, while I'm doing the actual work in the bedroom.
Tread - just read your thread, and you seem to have much more of an opportunity to fix things than i do. Good to hear yiur wife is still intimate and wanted to go to church with you. Keep up whatever you are doing that she said she noticed.
M:39 W:36 - D1:2 D2:6 11/19/16 BD1: ILYBNILWY, EA/PA Dec/Jan: MC, pursuing, not DBing 1/11/17 BD2: W wants 1 month break 2/1/17: Divorce Remedy. Start DBing 2/17/17 BD3: W - separation to start D process
